Good... And Good for You

if you would all take this, fill it out and give it to me the next time you see me, or send it to: kat p.o. box 1962 orem, ut 84059 then i promise to both read it and care about how you are doing. but probably not until january.

i'm not an adventurous sort of person. sometimes i think i'd like to be the kind of person who sets off on a kayaking trip through the congo, facing off against the forces of nature, blatantly regardless of the pythons and the dyptheria. but mostly i tend to go with my strengths: eating, sleeping, randomness, avoiding dyptheria... and that works for me. presidents day weekend tends to be a time for mini adventures involving hiking and camping and rafting, none of which i have interest in. but not to be outdone by the self-righteous physically active, i felt the need to do something. have an adventure to my liking. a katventure, if you will (not the kind where i write a blog with lots of links and rewrite the plot to every movie i've ever seen. a real life one). and so along with a like minded compatriot i drove to the four corners where i figuratively climbed what might be considered my metaphorical mt. everest when i ate four meals in four different states in one day . ...

i was completely convinced while waiting in the drive thru line at kneaders, that i was being stalked by a zamboni. a seemingly crazy sentence, since zamboni's rarely venture out amongst the populace. but i saw in my rear view mirror a zamboni-like vehicle pass behind me EIGHT times. and let me assure you being stalked by a zamboni is not the joy ride you might think it to be. sure, they can seem carefree and wholesome on a brightly lit ice skating rink, but it's a whole different story when you meet one on the streets because their intentions cannot necessarily be trusted. i think i saw a movie once where this guy gets chased by a zamboni. and he's trying to outrun it, but it's the 70's and his car is large and crappy and might not have enough gas to get to the top of the hill and i think it was an early steven spielberg movie and, sure, maybe it was about a guy being chased by a semi truck, but still... anyways, that's why when i parked my car on 700 east and ...

as she sat in the hairdresser's chair, hair damp and torso covered by a tarp growing heavier with each passing moment, she realized there did not exist a moment more awkward than this. the hairdresser took a step towards her, scissors poised yet trembling, showing a glimpse of the true mental state hidden behind the hairdresser's smile, for her mother had died two days before as she had just revealed. and so she sat in the hairdresser's chair, hair damp, torso covered by a tarp growing heavier with each passing moment, and frozen in terror. 11pm-ish update: hehehe... ok. so apparently writing abstractly does not work for me. to clarify, i went to supercuts last week and when i asked the random haircutter gal how her thanksgiving had been she said, "it was ok. my mom died on monday, but it was good." and it was possibly one of the most awkward moments of my life. much more clear, yet so unliterary.

MEMO FROM THE DESKTOP OF KAT RE: THANKSGIVING Dear Every/Anyone, Kat wishes she could write to you today. Unfortunately she's in bed with a "yam related hangover" (her words, not mine). Okay, honestly? She's laying in bed watching the movie "Cocoon" and eating chocolate chip cookies. When I reminded her about writing a blog she said, and I quote, "Those suckers wouldn't know a good blog if it punched them in the kidneys". So we've compromised. Everytime Steve Guttenberg comes on screen, Kat dictates a part of this blog for me to type which basically means she mumbles something nonsensical and then laughs hysterically. For example, she's now saying something about her burgeoning love of Jason Bateman. I don't even know where that came from. I asked her for some context and she just yelled, "MY LOVE WILL NOT BE DENIED!!" so I'm going to let her do her thing and assume she's talking about "Arrested Develo...

dear friends, family, and people i'm only pretending to like in the hopes that someday they'll buy me something, there's something i've been meaning to write about and i suppose now is as good a time as any to get into it. after years of thinking i should probably do so, i finally started to get some neurological testing done. i got my first brain scan back this morning and the doctor pointed out something a little peculiar he found. ok. so this is my brain... and if you zoom in on that... wait. zoom in a little bit more... and then zoom in a little further, you see this... i know. weird, right? unrelated pet peeve of the day: the phrase is not "i could care less".

okay. let's look past the fact that the song "mack the knife" has been stuck in my head all day for no apparent reason. the truth of the matter is that i'm losing my mind. my mom made the good point last night that this at least proves i once had one. point well taken. but it doesn't change my point. that i'm going mad. i saw this old movie once where this guy decides to make his wife think she's going crazy so he can have her commited and get control of her inheritance, so he secretly moves things and steals things and acts generally treacherous and moustache twirly. and the same thing's happening to me. except i don't have an inheritance. or a husband with a twirly moustache. but my stuff keeps on disapearing and either i'm crazy, or someone out there is plotting against me. or i need to clean my room.

sorry, i don't usually do this* but does this thrill anyone else? it's like when the flip cell phone first came out and i was all "finally! my own communication device. now if i could only afford a tricorder ..." except in this case i'm picturing isaac asimov... ...doing a mighty tap dancing number in the after life while singing, "remember the three laws of robotics everyone! la la la" while michael crichton glowers in his mansion yelling, "when will it be my turn? when? when?? when will disneyland open their 'it's a cretaceous world after all' ride? gaaa!" *link to "news" articles. *comment on "news" articles. *write two blogs in the same day.

hi. the powers that be? hi. yes, yes... i know it's been awhile... what was that?... well- um- thanks, you've filled out nicely too. anyways, the reason i... what?... yes, i know i haven't kept in touch lately but... no, of course i'm not avoiding you... i've been busy, ok?... yes. busy... stop laughing... sometimes i'm busy... i don't get what's so funny... you always act like this... like what?? like an annoying little kid! and then you wonder why i avoid you... i'm sorry... no, seriously, i didn't mean it... i haven't been avoiding you... i promise... yes, i know that words can hurt... i really didn't mean it... hu? oh. ya. i did want to talk to you about something. you see, well, i mean, i understand that you're probably under a lot of pressure... and i know how much you have to do... and how hard it is for you to have to appeal to all the different little niches out there... what was that?... no! i don't hate you! that's ...

this morning i put my groceries in my car and then put my cart in one of those parking lot, cart returny things because it's one of my top pet peeves when people leave their shopping carts all helter skelter so you can't get into a parking space, or you do but you end up scratching your car on the cart because for the love! you're a driver and NOT a magician who can also sit in a block of ice for 17 days and guess the number that you, the viewers at home are thinking of, am i right? but let's gain some perspective, shall we? yes, the whole shopping cart thing is definitely a pet peeve but it stands no comparison to the rest of my pet peeve list movies about animals/babies where they use cgi to make it look like they're really talking that's right "babe: pig in the city", i'm looking at you! , nicholas cage, text messaging, and the fact that you can't ask someone who they're going to call without 30 people yelling " ghostbusters! ...

yesterday morning i had no choice but to fight to the death the kind of "fight to the death" where no one actually... you know... dies with gigantor name chosen by me and in no way meant to be ironic, like how my  cousin sometimes calls me "tiny" and then walks off laughing . i was of course forced to retreat go to work after our first meeting, for you see i had been caught unaware and unprepared and, well, unarmed . i couldn't help wondering how gigantor had gotten into my bedroom in the first place since i keep my bedroom door and window closed at all times. it may have been a miracle not a miracle in the strictest sense . or even in the lenient sense like when i was 21 and "miracles" kept on happening like the "miracle of the stray cat" and the "miracle of the snickers bar in the fridge" which all ended up tracing back to my crazy ex quasi boyfriend who had boundary issues , but i suspected foul play not foul play in the stri...

if my blog were a novel, you know... about me, i would imagine that snippets of if would sound something like this... as she sat ("she" being me. "me" being the narrator and the end-all-be-all of this blog, whose bias you have to assume is accurate) waiting for church to begin, she realized that she sat alone in her pew and was in fact alone in the chapel. examining all the possibilities she decided that the rest of her ward must have seen her walk in and hidden behind the podium as part of an elaborately cruel joke. so she went home and watched "buffy". if my blog were a soap opera, you know... about me, i'd imagine it would go something like this... me: how is this possible? how?? how??? dirk: pull yourself together!! (slaps me in the face) me: this is all your fault! you had it in for me the minute i walked through those doors and i knew it! i knew it the minute i looked into your eyes. i knew that our mutual passion could only end in ruination a...

today's emoticons are trite, insipid, and jejune. we all know it. we all sit in our cubicles, secretly im-ing on precious company time, wishing there was something to make our anecdotes more vivid, our days fuller, our lives worth living again! which is why it gives me great pleasure to offer you emoti kat s *! "just like emoticons but with kat!" ** they make even the most bizarre story more interesting. just watch... i went to a job interview on monday. jeremy led me back into a big glass office, sat down in his desk, and stared at me. "tell me about yourself", he said. i put on my "trying to make a good first impression" face... "well... i was born and raised in salt lake city but i moved out here for school and now i work at a chocolate factory where i design their packaging. but mostly i just eat chocolate." jeremy stared, his gold chains gleaming in the office light. i kept going. "um... i have one older sister who lives in boston. ...

my mother's mother's father immigrated to the u.s. from sweden about 50 billion years ago. if there is one thing i believe, it's that nothing is more important than undestanding who our ancestor's were and where they came from, because it is their influence and not the touch and feel of cotton that make up the fabric of our lives. for example, because of my swedish mother's mother's father, i pronounce "ya" as "yaw". and i'm the poster child for passive aggression. because if there is one thing i believe, it's that you should never admit to being annoyed or angry with someone. no matter what. in fact, you should probably never admit to being annoyed or angry with anything. whether animate or no. for example, i keep track of the books i read in my journal and i rate them on a scale from1-4 stars so that in the future i'll know which ones are worth reading again. however, i've yet to give a book less than 3 stars because that...

i got home from my trip to san francisco late tuesday night, and i think because i'm so used to hearing people who get home from trips say, "it's a great place to visit, but i could never live there" i've gotten into the habit of deciding on the drive/flight home whether or not i could live in the place i just visited. i loved san fran. and let me tell you why. in short, simple phrases. urban outfitters. china town. kate. the wharf. asia sf. and yes, the drivers there were maniacal at best and i had a near death experience in a cab... ... but i like walking. and yes, there were a lot of creepy old men who in one instance wouldn't let me out of the hotel elevator because they wanted me to go up to the starlight room with them and in another instance said things like, "you're just my size"... ... but i don't think you can blame dirty old men on one city because last night at 7/11 a 37 year old man i like to refer to as "mr. creeperson...

further proof that i don't have that much to do at work. it's time to play "choose your own katventure" ! yipee! hooray!! *if you have trouble with the links (hopefully you won't) try refreshing the page. **and keep in mind that i don't spell check.

dear the public , remember when i was all angsty and bitter at canada for turning me into their version of debbie gibson thus compelling me to make a grammy winning, multiplatinum album whose popularity i could never eclipse no matter how reborn and at peace and singing about india i was? ya? well, i don't know that you do remember because i've just been informed that after 10 years, album sales are starting to taper. and that's not going to work for me. there's this little thing called " a lifestyle " which i have become accustomed to- you know, taking trips to asia, heading up anti bush campaigns- and i don't understand why you people refuse to keep me in it. i've tried other methods of appeasing you. remember when i made that video where i was thanking random things and was naked the whole time and on the subway and standing on a corner and everyone was suddenly so thankful for the invention of the blurry dot? and then there was the whole "i...

but what it all comes down to is that, in the end i can fool my mind, but not my hair. plus the possibility of a muddled, backwards blog. or you might have to put effort into remembering what you're not thinking about , which involves a lot of step retracing and thinking backwards. and experience what people call a pang . you might remember it all of a sudden. but eventually you're going to have to remember what it is you're not thinking about . and worry about them later. and i'm forgetful anyways, so it's really easy to shove things to the back of my mind. especially about things i can't control. because i don't like to be stressed or worried or angry. and 2 nd , it reminded me that i repress things. 1 st , that i might have been more stressed last month than i realized. but their appearance reminded me of two things. they're gone now. *this morning i found 2 grey hairs . *maybe you should start here and read up.

last night while i was doing an indiana jones moves under brother howlett's garage door, i just wanted to be reading my jane austen book. and when brother howlett sprayed us with a hose, i wanted to be eating cake. when i was climbing up a pile of logs and jumping over a fence, i wanted to be in bed. as we sped off in our get away car i realized that i've hit a whole new level of evil. hijinks have become a chore. an obligation. a responsibility. i must be an evil genius because last night, when liz got angry at me for switching sides, i defended myself by saying that i was trying to keep everything fair. i mean sure i'm evil, but that's no excuse for poor sportsmanship.

10. i run into things... a lot. 9. i think tap dancing is cool. 8. i do funny voices for my pets (and sometimes for young children). 7. i have all the songs from "newsies" memorized. 6. i think that having a regular exercise regime means sitting on the couch, eating cereal, and watching "taebo" three times a week. 5. did i mention that i run into things a lot? i mean a lot. 4. i watch "golden girls" 3. i'm on the slim fast diet. i eat slim fast with every meal. 2. i have no sense of smell. 1. i have every single episode of "buffy the vampire slayer" recorded and catalogued