Good... And Good for You

if, like the rest of my family, you think it was nice and somewhat selfless of me to drive my grandmother home when she demanded to be taken home after only two hours of thanksgiving-ing, well then, you're a chump. crazy cousin once removed who is sitting at the head of the dinner table watching us all eat while he eats nothing. like, nothing. i'm still not sure why: you know, you can't even really prove that france exists. me, sitting next to him: what? crazy cousin once removed: seriously, how can you prove it exists? me: well, there are maps and pictures of the eiffel tower and i know a bunch of people who have gone there. like carolyn. who's sitting right there. ccor: but we saved their butts during world war 1 and world war 2. me: did "we"? ccor: and now all they do is bitch about us. me: so wouldn't you say their bitching in fact proves that they exist? ccor: [insert obligatory and poorly-crafted rant about 'nam.] me: ... ri...

in times of war, it's the custom to censor the letters from soldiers to their loved ones to assure sensitive information isn't revealed to the enemy. i don't know how long this has been in place but here's an example of a highly censored letter from 1917... history! now, i'm not saying i'm in a war zone. but if i were to write the traditional, family thanksgiving dialogue, i would have to censor out a lot to avoid getting phone calls from said traditional family. so i'm taking the safest road possible... happy thanksgiving!

grandma: are you still taking you water pills? great aunt: what ? grandma: your water pills! great aunt: vitamins? grandma: what ? great aunt: vitamins! mom: no, mom wants to know if you're still taking your water pills. great aunt: oh... yah*. grandma: what ? great aunt: yah! grandma: oh... me too. great aunt: what ? grandma: me too! great aunt: oh. me: grandma, i was at the bookstore last weekend and i found your favorite book! grandma: what ? great aunt: your favorite book! grandma: oh... which one? me: "lady chatterley's lover"! grandma and great aunt: oh my! me: i know. i was going to buy it for you! great aunt: oh my! grandma: i already own it! great aunt: what ? grandma: i own it! great aunt: oh... me too. grandma: what ? great aunt: me too! grandma: oh. carolyn: you both own it? great aunt: it's a classic! me: it is? well there was a naked lady on the cover. grandma: what ? me: naked lady! grandma: oh... well, there are no naked women in the book! great ...

MEMO FROM THE DESKTOP OF KAT RE: THANKSGIVING Dear Every/Anyone, Kat wishes she could write to you today. Unfortunately she's in bed with a "yam related hangover" (her words, not mine). Okay, honestly? She's laying in bed watching the movie "Cocoon" and eating chocolate chip cookies. When I reminded her about writing a blog she said, and I quote, "Those suckers wouldn't know a good blog if it punched them in the kidneys". So we've compromised. Everytime Steve Guttenberg comes on screen, Kat dictates a part of this blog for me to type which basically means she mumbles something nonsensical and then laughs hysterically. For example, she's now saying something about her burgeoning love of Jason Bateman. I don't even know where that came from. I asked her for some context and she just yelled, "MY LOVE WILL NOT BE DENIED!!" so I'm going to let her do her thing and assume she's talking about "Arrested Develo...

crazy cousin once removed: where are the green beans? WHERE ARE THE GREEN BEANS?? great aunt: they're still cooking. ccor: great. GREAT! you make everything you like, but the one thing i want it STILL COOKING!! me: seriously. she's so selfish. great aunt: they'll be done in 5 minutes. ccor: GA A AH! (five minutes later) ccor: FINALLY!! me: it's a good thing you didn't over react. ccor: what? me: no. seriously. you played it really cool. in an attempt to break with tradition , i decided that this thanksgiving i would bond with my cousin. and with the above exception, i pretty much stayed on his good side. i listened to him talk about 'nam. i went with him to walmart and helped him buy a water pik. i admired his gun collection (not a euphemism, so don't even go there ) . and when he said he'd hidden the last gun in his collection upstairs "just in case", i smiled and said, "good thinking". i've turned over a new le...

crazy cousin once removed: [mid rant about "nam"] it's like marlon brando said in "apoclypse now"... "the horror! the horror!!" me: ...um... ya... i've never seen "apolcypse now". too heart of darknessy. ccor: are you being a smartass? me: are you being a dumbass? dad: [snoring in recliner] ccor: are you dating any boys? or girls? me: no. [walk over to mom, grandma, and great-aunt] great aunt: walmart is putting small stores out of business. grandma: i got this ring at walmart! ccor: i know why you're not dating anyone. [grabs my butt] you've gotten fat. me: gasp! mom: i bet a 2 carat diamond engagement ring would make you seem thinner. me: [speechlessness] ccor: i bet 2 big melons would make you seem thinner. me: [wishing the ground would swallow me up] g-ma: you and i don't have to wear bras! and then i died.

this thanksgiving was possibly the least dysfunctional my family has ever had. ever. which is all well and good, but doesn't make for good story telling. although... my grandmother and great aunt did ask carolyn and i to teach them how to hip hop dance, which we did. my crazy cousin did ask me to work for him at his landscaping company. heading up a team of "20 or so mexicans". oh and he also cornered me in the kitchen at one point with a knife saying, "you know why you'll never win? because you have fear. and fear is the enemy." to which i shouted, "no! YOU are the enemy!" and slipped out and hid behind my very large father. oh! and my other crazy cousin (my crazy cousin's brother) told me that if he ever caught me drinking beer, he'd punch my teeth out. i told him i'd cut down. and of course there was the endless barrage of questions about my not marriedness/barrenness/failure as a mormon womanness. but that's old news....

some highlights... grandma: apparently it's very inconvenient to have a family member who is hard of hearing. i read an article about how it can be very trying on a person's patience when they have to repeat everything over and over again. great aunt: where did you read that article? grandma: what? my crazy cousin disappeared into his room and when he emerged, he was wearing a clint eastwood type belt with a pearl handled revolver, a dagger, another gun, and some amo. he paused in the doorway so that we would get the full effect and i swear i saw a tumble weed go by. crazy cousin: i'm going to go for a walk. me: (look at my watch) but it's not high noon yet. crazy cousin: brigham young said that we should arm ourselves. me:... dude, he was talking about the armor of god. crazy cousin: i'm going to go back to church. me: right now? crazy cousin: i'm tired of being the oldest priest in utah valley. me: ok. crazy cousin: ...soooo... how many whores c...

thanksgiving is notoriously the worst day of my year, and when it's not the worst, it's the weirdest. here's a snippet of last year's dinner conversation... carolyn: i re-read "the house of the spirits". it was so dirty. i don't remember it being that dirty in high school. mom: of course it's dirty. that's why the parents didn't want you reading it at west high. dad: what book? carolyn: "the house of the spirits". mom: that and "grendel" me: i never read "grendel". i supposed to, but it was boring... dad: when did you read "the house of the spirits"? carolyn: at west. me: "beowolf" was boring too. mom: it had the scene where he looks up the queen's skirt. grandma: "beowolf" is an old book. me: all the classics have "questionable" material. mom: "the house of the spirits" was so inappropriate. me: did you ever read it? mom: no, but i saw part of ...