Good... And Good for You

the good news is that i'm officially moved into my grandmother's basement apartment. the bad news is that three women in one house means no closet space. it's basic math really... but the good news is that i'll eventually have the closet to myself. the bad news is i'll have a closet to myself because carolyn will be moving out. but the good news is that carolyn will be moving out because she's getting married in january. at least she says she's getting married in january. i can totally see her eloping at some point in the next few months. actually, i haven't seen her in a while... note. this whole good news/bad news way of telling things has gotten stale. i was listening to the "fiddler on the roof" soundtrack today and was kind of trying to copy the "on the one hand..." thing that tevye does, but i'm not really pulling it off. end of note. in my short, young life, i've moved about 23 billion times. moving is good for the so...

grandma: are you still taking you water pills? great aunt: what ? grandma: your water pills! great aunt: vitamins? grandma: what ? great aunt: vitamins! mom: no, mom wants to know if you're still taking your water pills. great aunt: oh... yah*. grandma: what ? great aunt: yah! grandma: oh... me too. great aunt: what ? grandma: me too! great aunt: oh. me: grandma, i was at the bookstore last weekend and i found your favorite book! grandma: what ? great aunt: your favorite book! grandma: oh... which one? me: "lady chatterley's lover"! grandma and great aunt: oh my! me: i know. i was going to buy it for you! great aunt: oh my! grandma: i already own it! great aunt: what ? grandma: i own it! great aunt: oh... me too. grandma: what ? great aunt: me too! grandma: oh. carolyn: you both own it? great aunt: it's a classic! me: it is? well there was a naked lady on the cover. grandma: what ? me: naked lady! grandma: oh... well, there are no naked women in the book! great ...

on sunday, after watching me shove yet another "superbowl" cupcake into my mouth, my grandmother ever so solemnly informed me, "kathryn, you eat too much chocolate." i finished chewing, wiped the excess frosting off my face and said, "i'm sorry, apparently we've never met. i'm your granddaughter. kathryn. i've been shovelling chocolate into my mouth ever since i was old enough to, you know, shovel. so deal with it." concerned, my grandmother cupped her hand to her ear and said, "what?" raising my voice i repeated, "i said, 'i'm sorry'..." she smiled. i chickened out, "i said i'm sorry." superbowl cupcakes though. genius. i might not follow the basketball, but the food sure is good.

part 9,181 the one where there's a lot of love but too many good intentions. madre: okay, i'll admit it. i really want grandchildren. me: no kidding. padre: do you date at all, kathryn? me: no. padre: not at all ? me: no padre: ... well, i don't get that at all. madre: listen, i'll admit it. i want grandchildren. me: okay. grandma: [ walking into living room with an orange shirt ] you left this here. me: i did? grandma: yes. me: when? grandma: a few years ago. do you want it? me: ...no. grandma: you don't want it? me: no. grandma: why not? me: it's orange. grandma: ... me: and two sizes too small. grandma: i'm trying to clean out my house before i die. [ sighs and walks out of room ] padre: don't the boys ask you on dates? me: no. padre: no ? me: no. padre: they're probaby intimidated. me: ...yes i'm sure that's it. madre: okay, okay ! i admit it. i want grandchildren. me: good for you. grandma: [ walks into living room with pair of pants ] d...

i took the matriarchs to walmart yesterday. i don't think people truly understand how much i adore these two women. i'm guessing it's mostly because i love only two groups of people in this world- those who love me, and those who remind me of myself. my grandmother and great aunt are part of the elite few who fall into both categories. i feel this statement justifies the use of a venn diagram... anyways, i enjoy them mostly because they feed my narcissism, but also because they're hilarious. they spent most of the afternoon arguing about who was more feeble. they both made some pretty good arguments about why the other might keel over any second. my grandmother explained that my great aunt had a dizzy spell a couple of weeks ago, has high blood pressure, and a doctors appointment tomorrow. my great aunt brought my grandmother's thyroid condition and thin blood, and looked very smug when we took turns at walmart's blood pressure machine and my grandmother's p...

stuck in my head: "no life without wife" (from the movie "bride and prejudice") i don't want to talk about it. reason #3 billion why my family could kick your family's trash... i was talking on the phone with my grandmother yesterday and she was telling me a story about how she spent an hour trying to thread her sewing machine and couldn't do it and then she said, "so anyways, i've decided that when i die you'll get my sewing machine." and i was all, "wait. what?" "when i die, i want you to have my sewing machine." "but i don't sew." "i told your mother that i want you to have it." "but i don't sew." "i'll leave the instructions for the sewing machine inside the drawer." "but... sigh... thanks grandma." "you're welcome."

i've always thought there was great closure when someone you dated or crushed on gets married. and then they have babies and dogs and house payments and when you're family asks you how whatzhisname is, you say "um, i don't know, married?" and everyone is happy with that. see? closure. my grandparents totally trumped me. grandpa: "i was talking to my old high school girlfriend and she's in a home now. she likes it though. she says she's been hit on three times." me: "but in a home the old men hit on the vending machine." grandma palmer: "i went to a high school dance with whatzhisname... he's dead now!" ok. fine. you win. THAT's closure.

during dinner with my grandmother, my out of town parents called to check up on us. my grandmother's side of the conversation went like this... "i wasn't sure if she would like soup, but i made some and she seemed to like it. she ate it all. and she had some broccoli, and some carrots, and some potatoes, and some chicken... she seems fine. i checked her gums and they were pink..." um, ya... they were talking about my dog. i'm great, by the way, mom. working through some jealousy issues with the dog, which is pretty weird...but... that's fine.

on sunday, my grandmother very abruptly turned to me and said, "you eat too many carbohydrates!!" she was very vehement about it. hello slim fast how i've missed you. and also celery. hello celery. i did not miss you.

crazy cousin once removed: [mid rant about "nam"] it's like marlon brando said in "apoclypse now"... "the horror! the horror!!" me: ...um... ya... i've never seen "apolcypse now". too heart of darknessy. ccor: are you being a smartass? me: are you being a dumbass? dad: [snoring in recliner] ccor: are you dating any boys? or girls? me: no. [walk over to mom, grandma, and great-aunt] great aunt: walmart is putting small stores out of business. grandma: i got this ring at walmart! ccor: i know why you're not dating anyone. [grabs my butt] you've gotten fat. me: gasp! mom: i bet a 2 carat diamond engagement ring would make you seem thinner. me: [speechlessness] ccor: i bet 2 big melons would make you seem thinner. me: [wishing the ground would swallow me up] g-ma: you and i don't have to wear bras! and then i died.

this thanksgiving was possibly the least dysfunctional my family has ever had. ever. which is all well and good, but doesn't make for good story telling. although... my grandmother and great aunt did ask carolyn and i to teach them how to hip hop dance, which we did. my crazy cousin did ask me to work for him at his landscaping company. heading up a team of "20 or so mexicans". oh and he also cornered me in the kitchen at one point with a knife saying, "you know why you'll never win? because you have fear. and fear is the enemy." to which i shouted, "no! YOU are the enemy!" and slipped out and hid behind my very large father. oh! and my other crazy cousin (my crazy cousin's brother) told me that if he ever caught me drinking beer, he'd punch my teeth out. i told him i'd cut down. and of course there was the endless barrage of questions about my not marriedness/barrenness/failure as a mormon womanness. but that's old news....

i feel it's worth mentioning that during dinner last night my grandmother told a story about how she fell into her garbage can a few days ago and couldn't get out. i also feel it's worth mentioning that i laughed so hard i couldn't breathe.

some highlights... grandma: apparently it's very inconvenient to have a family member who is hard of hearing. i read an article about how it can be very trying on a person's patience when they have to repeat everything over and over again. great aunt: where did you read that article? grandma: what? my crazy cousin disappeared into his room and when he emerged, he was wearing a clint eastwood type belt with a pearl handled revolver, a dagger, another gun, and some amo. he paused in the doorway so that we would get the full effect and i swear i saw a tumble weed go by. crazy cousin: i'm going to go for a walk. me: (look at my watch) but it's not high noon yet. crazy cousin: brigham young said that we should arm ourselves. me:... dude, he was talking about the armor of god. crazy cousin: i'm going to go back to church. me: right now? crazy cousin: i'm tired of being the oldest priest in utah valley. me: ok. crazy cousin: ...soooo... how many whores c...

thanksgiving is notoriously the worst day of my year, and when it's not the worst, it's the weirdest. here's a snippet of last year's dinner conversation... carolyn: i re-read "the house of the spirits". it was so dirty. i don't remember it being that dirty in high school. mom: of course it's dirty. that's why the parents didn't want you reading it at west high. dad: what book? carolyn: "the house of the spirits". mom: that and "grendel" me: i never read "grendel". i supposed to, but it was boring... dad: when did you read "the house of the spirits"? carolyn: at west. me: "beowolf" was boring too. mom: it had the scene where he looks up the queen's skirt. grandma: "beowolf" is an old book. me: all the classics have "questionable" material. mom: "the house of the spirits" was so inappropriate. me: did you ever read it? mom: no, but i saw part of ...