Good... And Good for You

a couple of weeks ago, i went to a football game with a friend and her family, including her 16 year old niece who quite obviously thinks i'm lame. which is totally fine because i am kind of lame and also she's 16, so the eye rolling and the cringing kind of just comes with the territory. i was thinking about how hard it is to be a teenage girl- how much time you spend worrying about embarrassing yourself, how HUGE the little embarrassments feel and how generally inhibited you have to become just to feel like you can survive. i really don't feel like i was ever myself with my friends until the summer after my freshman year of college because i was so terrified that they wouldn't like me.  and i was a pretty well-adjusted kid. as an adult, i have the opposite problem. i live alone and tend to go unchecked in a lot of ways and the challenge is to stay on the right side of social norms. here, i'll give you an example. halloween is coming and i freaking love hall...

the other day i was running late, as i am prone to do, and the traffic lights conspired against me despite how wildly i gesticulated at them. so after hitting, like, my 300th red light in a row, i let out an exasperated, "gaa!" and veered to turn right. only there was a guy on the corner who stepped into the intersection in front of me. so i hit him. just kidding. i hit my brakes and let out another "gaa!" which made the guy look at me like i was ridiculous. which i was. so i flashed him the peace sign because that's what i do when i'm in my car and i want people to forgive me for being ridiculous. but that just made the guy stop in front of my car and glare at me as though he thought i was doing a sarcastic peace sign. which i most definitely was not. my peace signs are always in earnest. so then i gestured at him to cross. kind of a, "no, seriously, sir. it's your right of way and i realize that. proceed." kind of a gesture. but th...

so, it turns out my grandfather did not have a secret family in germany. i know i should be happy about it, but all i can think about is how the potentially greatest chapter of my currently unwritten memoirs will now never be written. and how the title of my memoirs, "kat: nazi hunter," has lost the touch of irony that was sure to make it a best seller.

sixish+ months ago, i was watching "60 minutes" with my dad and there was a story about people who don't have the facial recognition part of their brain so they don't have the ability to recognize anybody. ever. not even their children. it was sad. they quizzed the non-recognizers by holding up pictures of famous people like martin luther king, jr. and george clooney, etc. and the poor, non-recognizers knew not a one. and neither did my dad (which made me feel slightly more forgiving towards him regarding the time i had a five minute conversation with him at the bank and it turned out he didn't know who i was (but (silver lining) he was still very nice to me)). like, seriously. he didn't know anybody. and every time they held up a picture of a black guy, he would guess jesse jackson, which was never the right answer. THEN they moved on to the people on the opposite side of the spectrum, a super recognizer, who remembers every face. it was also kind of sad...

the main reason i try not to do anything ironically is that i'm forgetful and if i do something often enough, i forget i'm doing it ironically and it becomes an actual thing. forgotten irony is the reason i say, "keepin' it real." it's why i make a pouty, fish face when i dance. and, oh gosh, it's why i dance the way i do. the running man? why am i always doing the running man?? it's the reason for the nonstop dialogue i provide for animals. i now have full-on, two-sided conversations with ziggy. it's one mother-issue away from being norman bates-ian. it's to blame for the hair feathers i wear. and my neon everything. AND my punk, 80s makeup (i'm 31!). and the fact that i've seen every episode of "dawson's creek." ...ahem... and "that's so raven." all i'm saying is that i don't wear irony well. or, i don't wear it ironically. or whatever.

i ran into this guy the other day who i remembered instantaneously (instantly?) and vividly. but he didn't recognize me so i didn't mention it. about 20-25 years ago, he lived next door to my grandma and consequently he and i would play together almost every day. one summer afternoon, we sat in his living room eating popsicles when he inexplicably stood up and stripped nude. following his lead, i stood up and RAN HOME! later, his mother brought him over to my grandma's house and forced him to apologize to me for nuding up. i did not bring up this story the other day. but it is so in my arsenal in case i ever see him being a jerk. it's my own brand of vigilante justice.

a certain senator's campaign manager, who i really like (he's very grandpa-ish) (and he calls me "bright eyes"), came by the office to talk to my boss and, while he was waiting, said rather seriously, "kathryn, come sit down and talk to me." "sure, bob." i sat down next to him on the couch and waited for him to compose his thoughts. "now... why on earth is a girl like you single?" so much for getting my perspective on the budget crisis. i did what i always do and joked around the issue and then smiled and nodded while he gave me dating advice, and then said, "i think you're absolutely right!" so here's what i think, in a couple of weeks the congressman who might be challenging a certain senator in the primary is going to be coming into the office. and i figure i'll sit down with his campaign manager and have him/her give me some dating advice. and that is how i'll decide who to vote for.

if there is one thing i have learned in the last 3 years, it is this... thing i've learned #1: old people, like small children, thrive on routine. thing i've learned #1b: do not mess with their routine. so, random hypothetical, let's say you decide to go on your first vacation in, like, a year. and you're just going to be out of town for 3 1/2 days, but one of those days is a day of the week you usually visit a certain, semi-crazy old lady whose genetic material you share. well, you have just torn that old person's routine asunder and nothing , not even trying to visit in the morning, before you head to the airport, will set things right. thing i've learned #1c: when you break their routine, old people will try to destroy you using only their words. old person: do you think you'll still have a job when you come back? me: um, yes. because i'm good at my job. old person: i don't know. you're going to learn the hard way how important it is ...