Good... And Good for You

When I was 19-years-old, I was in love with a guy in my Biology class. He was hot in that turn-of-the-millennium, Heath Ledger in "Ten Things I Hate About You" way where you ask yourself, "Wait. Is he wearing a shirt with embroidery on it?" I know that description hasn't aged well, but trust me, he was beautiful. My love for him was a special blend of pure and awkward. I made sure to never enter his zone of attention, but I'd always sit a few seats away so I could look at him approximately 137 times during class. As a high school geek trying to remake herself in college, I was basically an expert at loving someone unrequitedly and I was very happy with my new, imaginary relationship. One day after class ended, I was shuffling past Hot Bio Boy's seat when he looked up at me and smiled . I was starstruck. I didn't want to look away. So I didn't. And I walked straight into a wall. This is not an exaggeration! This is something I really did. My...

One night, back in college, one of my dude friends falsely accused me of stealing his car keys and then started ranting about how immature I was. I felt like he was being unfair, so when his back was turned... I stole his car keys. I zipped over to Walmart, made a copy of his keys, and then snuck them back into his apartment without him ever knowing they were gone. For the next three months, every time I saw him park his car, I'd wait for him to walk away and then I'd run down and move his car to the other side of the parking lot in an attempt to convince him that he'd gone insane. Sometimes, when a dude is being kind of a jerk to me, I think about 20-year-old Kat. And then I mentally travel back in time and give her a high five.

I hate the book " The Great Gatsby ." There! I've said it! Or, I mean, hat ed . I hated Gatsby when I read it for the first time 15 years ago. As a 20 year old who was super into "Bridget Jones's Diary" and had just discovered David Sedaris, it's very possible that I didn't have the life experience and depth to understand the glory that is Great Gatsby. Very, very possible. But this summer, I revisited a bunch of the books of my youth! And since my mom and my sister and a bunch of my friends who are all much smarter than I am, love Gatsby, I decided to take another whack at it! And... um... I still don't get why it's a thing. There! I've said it! Or, I mean, I don't personally get it. I understand the reasons why other people like it. Usually they like it because it's a glitzy, perfect snapshot of the flapper generation. And because it's a searing indictment of the affluence and indifference of blah blah ...

Sometimes I stare at my profile pic on social media or on a dating app and I think, “Should I update this? sigh... probably. Cuz my hair’s longer. And also I’ve lost weight... Well, that is, if souls weigh anything, then I’ve totally lost weight.”

I just glanced at the sky and thought, “Oh, wow! It’s a full moon!” And then after a five-second pause I thought, “Wait. That’s not right. It’s still daytime.” And then after another five-second pause, “That’s the sun.” So there goes my career in astrology. Wait. That’s not right.

Sometimes, to keep my ego in check, I look at my sixth grade picture. Look at her sweet, little face. I don’t know why I wore so many vests. Nobody else was wearing them. Just me, Chandler Bing, and Paula Poundstone.

Real Talk: I 100% adore my 8-year-old niece, but it’s hard for me to talk to her about her favorite TV shows. Because it makes me feel too morally superior. Listen, kid. I grew up during the era of “infotainment.” So my favorite shows taught friggin’ life skills. I’m talking “This Old House” and “Yan Can Cook” and the unsung HERO of them all “ Square One TV .” What I’m saying is, when I was your age, I could build a house, cook a four-course meal, and solve ANY math-based crime!! (#mathnet) What crimes can YOU solve??? And why are you crying?? Why is your mother shaking her head at me?? Where is everyone going? Why am I all alone again? Author’s Note: I can no longer build a house or cook.