Friday, February 25, 2005

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

the smelly kid

when i sat down at enrichment the other night, everyone in a 5 foot radius sniffed the air and looked confused.
for you see, i smelled.
not bad. i didn't smell bad. and i'm also pretty sure i didn't smell good.
i just smelled.
a friend of mine wanted to buy a girl some lotion and guys can't do stuff like that by themselves. they need a spunky, know-it-all gal pal to go with them. and tell them what smells good. and carry the ever so conspicuous pink stripey bag to the car.
i'm happy to oblige, even with my non sense of smell.
i'm happy to smear every single kind of lotion on my person, so that it can be more easily smelled.
i'm happy to smell each one and pretend like i can smell a difference.
and in the end i'm happy to announce that "love spell" is without question the scent that should be purchased.
because after it's all over and done with the spunky, know-it-all, gal pal gets ice cream.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005


the kids in my ward finally realized that i'm tall.
i'd settled into complacency. that was the main problem i think.

on sunday after ward prayer i was doing the typical mingley thing, and i noticed a group of nearby minglers speaking in hushed tones... then looking over at me... then speaking in hushed tones.
then looking over at me.
and i thought to myself, "man. i must be lookin' good tonight!"
and then, one from the group was sent over to me. the scout. the scout sidled up to me and in a hushed voice asked, "so... how tall are you?"
and without any sense of humor, or, you know, insouciance, i rolled my eyes and said, "5'11". and no, i don't play basketball. and i don't play volleyball."
so the scout scurried back to the group to report that i indeed know how tall i am. and that i have an attitude problem.
they figured the best course of action was to surround me and discuss it in further detail.

i think the other main problem was that i wore high heels to church that day.
oh sense of humor, where have you gone?

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

oh my

the most common misconception about me is that i'm good at art.
and since i'm so good at art it follows that i must be good at illustrating proposal books.
and scrapbooking.
and writing on chalkboards.
and making valentine's.
and valentine boxes.
and face painting.
and science fair project posters.
and relief society flyers.

there's a lot of "ere go"-ing involved in this misconception.

so feel free to come to the mall any morning this week.
because i'm an artist.
and of course i know how to personalize big chocolate hearts.
of course i know how to write caligraphy with frosting.
of course i can do it just as well as that guy with 14 years experience.

of course.
cuz i'm an artist.

Friday, February 04, 2005

in case you're bored

pop quiz.
put your calculator and notes away.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

time's on my side

christofer ott is my hero.
for showing me the best answering machine recording in the history of the world made by some guy in hartford, conneticut...
"hello this is uh t-bone, or ty, down here at south side auto uh running the show down here and uh thanks for calling the phone number and uh your call is very important to me i'm trying to make a business down here and uh i'm changing the message cuz there's somebody special that called me up and i don't know who she is but i know who you are and you know who i am and uh i'm the one who called and uh we're gonna get back together believe me and uh it's gonna happen and i know who you are and you know who i am and i'm a scam artist and i wanna scam you away from that retard your with and you're gonna hang out with me cuz you're not gonna (too indistinguishable)...
over and out.
...and i love ya.
over and out.
...and it's gonna happen.
...time's on my side and not on nobody elses side.
...cuz i'm the commander down here.

i hope t-bone or ty doesn't have caller i.d.

would it be unethical to post his phone number?