Monday, January 31, 2005

job description

i just spent the last 4 hours doing my boss's 14 year old son's science project.

did you know your car can go 5% further with premium gas than with regular?
but it costs 10% more.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

hygiene?

i slept through my alarm this morning. by a lot. and we all know the drill when this happens... #1 find the pile of yesterday's clothes on the floor and throw them on, #2 put in contacts, #3 grab mascara and lip gloss to put on in the car, #4 grab a can of slim fast for a make shift breakfast, #5 run out the door.
i thought i pulled myself together very nicely.
5 minutes ago i finally looked in a mirror and realized that step #1 isn't a viable option when you babysit a 2 year old.
and it wasn't the sucker residue on my shirt that convinced me.
it was the play-doh on my butt.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

nap

have you ever typed a blog with your eyes closed? you know, liek, have you ever kind of taken a nap at work more or less but typed a blog at the same time so that your bosses won't wise up to the fact that you're making 2 hours of work a day into a full time job (and getting reeeeally bored in the process_ because all they hear is the speedy type tpe typing of your keyboard?
no?
um... ya, me neither.
but i bet if i did i'd be really good at it. except i'd probably leave out most of the punctuation because it;s pretty hard to find a comma with my eyes closed.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

thoughts

as i stared at my computer screen with a sad, distant gaze, i thought to myself,
"maybe i will chop my hair off. but i'll have to lose 5 lbs first because short hair makes your hips look bigger."
and then i thought,
"there has to be some other color besides red, yellow, green and brown... and scarlet and black and ochre and peach and ruby and olive and violet and fawn and lilac and gold and chocolate and mauve and cream and crimson and silver and rose and azure and lemon and russet and grey and purple and white and pink and orange AND BLUE!!"
and then i thought,
"i'm gonna start using venn diagrams more often."
and then i thought,
"how am i going to get 9 candy labels, 2 boxes, and a pricelist done by friday?"
and then i thought,
"hehehe... that mary girl was so freaky on american idol last night."

so, you see, i have been productive.

Friday, January 14, 2005

look

i understand the need to text message.
i also understand the need to not pay attention during another dull episode of "college professor on a random, unrelated soapbox".
so it goes without saying that i can understand the need to text message someone in the middle of class.
especially when the professor's soapboax is about how technology is slowly phasing out all actual communication between people. and she's using phrases like "interpersonal" and "human predicament".

but i just can't understand the need to not turn down the volume on your keypad.
so that every 5 minutes all i can hear is:
"beepbeepbeep...beep...beepbeep...beepbeep...beep.......beep."
which roughly translated is probably, "haha i'll tell u about it l8r" or something else equally inane.
and pretty much, mr. noisy text messager, you're killing me.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

unfunny

THE ANSWERS:

#1 "this is going to get vicious."
"we're playing musical chairs."
"ya. i know. but i throw elbows."

#2 "i hear denver's just like salt lake except with less mormons."
"denver's way better than salt lake."
"...is it because there are less mormons?"

#3 "i can't believe they have oreos but no milk!! i mean really-"
"-there's milk right over there."
"oh."
"i can't believe you interrupted him during his diatribe. there was guaranteed bitterness coming."

#4 "i love tropical fruit punch koolaid."
"i love kiwi strawberry koolaid."
"there's only one solution... a taste off!"

#5 "i'm gonna try out for the football team next month, but right now i'm doing track."
"that's smart to do track."
"ya, i know. i'll be in good shape for try outs."
"no, i mean it's good to practice running. cuz those football guys are HUGE!"

#6 "during christmas break, i saw jimmy carter."
"i'm pretty sure jimmy carter's dead."
"no, he's not. because i went to the local baptist church and he was teaching sunday school."
"well that's exciting. so, what else did you do during break? you know, besides all the hanging out with dead presidents."

THE QUESTION:
which of my jokes did nobody laugh at last night?


p.s. there's nothing like the sound of a bunch of people not laughing.

Friday, January 07, 2005

compy MMV

i have a hot, new laptop.
and i'm highly infatuated with it.
i'm in the whole head-in-the-clouds stage of the relationship where i, like, think about it all day, and spend all evening with it, and brag about it to all of my friends, and, you know, write blogs about it.
it's like my trophy laptop.
i call it "compy".

koolness

i was job shadowed at work today by 2 twelve year old girls who wer supposed to be job shadowing my boss.
i am interesting and old people are not.

trendy

this is the new best show EVER.

i give it 3 weeks until it's on some vh1 list of some sort.

work it

i almost quit my job yesterday. so close.
my boss... is crazy. he and my supervisor (a term to be applied loosely) spent the entire morning in my office talking to each other about the changes they wanted me to make to a brochure they okayed THE DAY BEFORE!!
boss (to notboss): the brochure, i don't know, seems too... green.
notboss (to boss): it's a spring brochure.
boss (to notboss): it just, it don't know... seems too green.
me: do you want it to be another color?
boss (to notboss): i don't know if i want it another color. it just, i don't know... seems to green.
me: is it because it's solid? i could make a pattern.
boss (to notboss): i don't know if i want a pattern. sigh. i'd have to see the pattern.
me: here. i'll do a pattern and you can tell me if you like it.

i spent 2 hours putting a pattern on this 6 page brochure that was okayed THE DAY BEFORE!
as i finished, my boss and notboss came back into my office...
boss (to notboss): tell me what you think. for the weights of all the items, she's put "oz." for ounces. the periods really stick out to me. it's like "oz PERIOD!" "oz PERIOD!"
me: you want me to take out the periods?
boss (to notboss): i think it would look much better if she took out all the periods.

i spent 15 minutes deleting all offending punctuation.
my boss and lyle came back in...
notboss (to boss): tell me what you think. for the pricing, she's put a space between the $ and the numbers. it's like "$ SPACE! price", "$ SPACE! price"
me: you want me to take out all the spaces?
notboss (to boss): i think it would look much better if she took out all the spaces.

i spent 15 minutes deleting all offending spacing.
my boss and lyle came back in as i went back to adding a pattern to the 6 page brochure they okayed THE DAY BEFORE!!...
boss (to notboss): that looks great.
notboss (to boss): it sure does. but i don't know that there should be a pattern on the back page. that might be a bit much.
boss (to notboss): yep. but do you think she'll be able to do something about that?
me: you do know that i'm in the room, right?
boss (to ME!): what?
notboss (to ME!): hu?
me: i can hear you. because i'm in the room. do you see this?
boss (to notboss): (mocking) oh! she can hear us.
notboss (to boss): (mocking) ya. because she's in the room.
boss (to notboss): (as they walk out) maybe we shouldn't have her do a pattern after all. but it's just... i don't know.. so green.

and then i quit.
i wish i'd quit. it was very creepy. very "silence of the lambs" ("it puts the lotion on. it puts the lotion ON!! and then it makes 30 million minute changes to a brochure that was okayed 24 hours ago!!"). seriously guys. just turn me into a jacket already.

Monday, January 03, 2005

i have never

a popular drinking game.
coincidentally
also a popular fhe activity.
hu.

the point being, that i am really good at this game.
even after disregarding the obvious.

because i have never...
  • eaten a pickle
  • seen an episode of "24"
  • seen a shooting star
  • taken lortab
  • skied/snowboarded
  • gone to prom
  • played "do you love your neighbor"
  • read past the first "harry potter" book
  • seen "the matrix"
  • purchased anything at the gap

and that's just off the top of my head.