Friday, December 21, 2007

merry christmas

okay, yes, i admit this has nothing to do with christmas.
but to those of you who have yet to know the joy and hilarity of catherine tate, i'm gifting you something rather wonderful...

Tuesday, December 18, 2007


coming to the end of one of my shifts at "the w.s." (a nickname used by me. and me alone.) i was cashiering for the massive hoard of people as fast as i possibly could.
next in line stood a man my age with longish hair, and a corduroy jacket over a hoodie sweatshirt.
and a hat. a fuzzy pink hat with the word "fluffy" on it.
i made eye contact and said, "are you ready to go?"
he said, "yep", turned and headed towards the exit, then stopped and walked over to me, chuckling to himself over how he had literally started "to go".
"good for you", i mumbled. "did you find everything you needed?"
he smirked, "well, i found everything i needed here." and then chuckled to himself again.

i was tired. and worn. the district manager was visiting that day which had little to no direct effect on me except to make everyone who wasn't a seasonal worker very tense and bossy. i had been yelled at yelled at! by the evil shipping woman who works in the back and who i (and i alone. again.) secretly refer to as "billy goat gruff" seventeen times.

i looked up into fluffy's eyes. looking for some spark of humanity. "you, sir, are taking me literally for humor's sake and i cannot handle it right now."
fluffy looked at me and, with a note of pity in his voice said, "okay."
i took a deep breath and exhaled. "okay."

and we both continued on with our day.

Monday, December 17, 2007


the boss' six year old daughter: when i was little, i used to think your name was kit.
me: well, it almost is.
six: no it's not! your name is kat. but i thought it was kit!
me: like kitkat?
six: no! like a doctor's kit! and i was always like, 'mom, why does she have such a weird name?'
me: . . . right on.

Friday, December 14, 2007


there are things i wish would hurry up and be invented already.
i wish for them so hard.
sometimes i stare longingly at the sea awaiting the safe, though belated, arrival of my dear, dear things to be invented.
and they are...

1. excedri-pop.
description: an excedrin lollipop.

really bad slogan idea: "why let the pain lick you when you can lick the pain away?"

2. detachable car plow/road salter
description: a combination plow/salt dispenser for the front of my car.

really bad slogan idea: "when you die on the freeway, it should be because you want to!"

3. magic mirror
description: a mirror that gives me verbal affirmation while i get ready in the morning.

really bad slogan idea: "because you are the fairest in the land."

guitar hero

a few, intensely lucky people have been witness to my "guitar hero" skills. for those of you who have not, i am the guitar hero. i take "medium level" to, like, a whole new level. but not a new level like "hard" because then i would have to use the orange button.

and i am not ready for that.

Monday, December 10, 2007

give me twelve minutes and i'll give you my life

getting stuff together for websites is boring.
photoshop is boring.
the whole entire everything is boring.

i can focus on website photos for maybe maybe 5 minutes before my mind wanders. no matter what i try to do. for most of the day i've been playing a drinking game where i reward every good, work-ethical achievement with a swig of diet coke.
but it's not really helping. because i also console myself for every bad, slackerly moment... with a swig of diet coke.

i edited a picture of cinnamon hearts.

good. diet coke.

i watched an episode of "family guy" online.

bad. diet coke.

i de-emphasized the background of the picture of our "frog prince" candy.

good. diet coke.

i found a cute dog named tiramisu on petfinder, went to the animal shelter to see her, and then called the shelter later to adopt her only to find out she'd just been adopted by someone else.

bad. and kind of depressing. diet coke.

i cropped the picture of gummy bunnies.

good. diet coke.

i superimposed the "arrested development" sheep into a childhood picture of my sister.

oh ya. i went there.

in the re-reading of this post, i sound like i'm on crack.

... i should think about that.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007


my favorite person to work with at my holiday retail job is "bob". i call her "bob" because that is her name.
a fact which tickles me.
bob never remembers my name but refuses to ask me what it is or say "hey you!" to get my attention. she instead walks up to me, takes me by the shoulders and holds me at arm's length while she reads my name tag. "ah. yes. kathryn... how are you?"

i do not like working with matthew. i am 8 feet taller than him and 32 years older.
he has a plastic tube in his ear and looks up at me like i'm lame. well, he's the lame one. but if he were here right now, he'd say i was lame. no, matthew, you're the lame one. but if he were here, he'd say i was lame.
no way, matthew, you're the lame one.

Monday, December 03, 2007

life lesson

at the tender and wholesome age of 13, i loved few things more than dancing. i choose to believe i eclipsed the other girls on stage with my talent... and not with my 71 inch, betutued shadow and i refuse to watch any old video recordings which might besmirch that very opinion.
after one particularly rousing christmas performance, a photographer asked to take some pictures of me and my dance teacher's stick insect daughter for some book.
i happily obliged.

at the bright eyed and bushy tailed age of 14, i received a christmas gift from my grandmother. a beautiful new book released by the lds church and on page 106? a tender and wholesome (and flushed. and sweaty) 13 year old me. virtually beaming with christmas cheer.
i had never felt more famous.

at the young and restless age of 20, i drove down to delta, utah (population: rabbits) with my quasiboyfriend and hung out while his "band" rehearsed. it was very loud and very dull and there was an air of cruelty to it for i was forced to listen to songs where fish represent women but i was not given free reign to heckle "holy cow! think i got a bite!". afterwards, i was taken out for icecream and then introduced to quasiboyfriend's parents who were so much more delightful than their son and who just happened to recognize me from a certain book they owned and had underneath their coffee table so they could excitedly pull it out and show their son a picture of tender, wholesome thirteen year old me.
it was not rock & roll.

at the surly and embittered age of 26... a.k.a. yesterday... after church... i decided to meet my new bishop. i walked up purposefully, put on my "i am neither surly nor embittered" smile, shook his hand, and was about to introduce myself when he stopped me and said he recognized me from a book he had.

i'm not sure what it is, but there's a life lesson in there somewhere.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

a cautionary tale

i lie. i lie all the time.
i found out i was a dirty rotten liar during the brunt of twentyishness when i lived with spliz and wee em. one day spliz came home and announced she had "accidentally lied" to which wee em and i rolled our eyes and said something snarky because seriously how do you "accidentally" lie to someone... oh wait... i do it all the time.

i was working late last wednesday and one of the very nice, very overworked kids from the back wandered up to my office to say hi and how was i doing and guess what. "what?"
"i brought something for you today. it's in my car."
he disappeared and came back with a cheesecake. an exquisite new york cheesecake he had made from scratch.
"wow", said i.
wow indeed, for i hate cheesecake. i am repulsed by cheesecake. it makes me sick and i have this quirk where i don't like to eat stuff that makes me want to vomit.
unless it has chocolate in it.
but see, let's go back a little further (farther?) to a few weeks ago when i was chatting with nice, overworked kid and since his chats tend to run especially lengthy i was also working on some sort of nondescript designy thing. it wasn't until he left my office that i processed our conversation.
he had said he liked to cook, i'd said then why hadn't he made me lunch.
he'd said he was really into making cheesecakes, i'd said then why hadn't he made me one for lunch.
he'd said we should have a weekly cheesecake wednesday, i'd said brilliant!, but where was my lunch.

sidenote: i'm super charming.

i always get nervous when i accidentally lie because karma has a knack for getting even with me when i do.
last week karma made me eat a HUGE slice of "humble pie".


now hear this!

when my mangled, lifeless body is pulled from the twisted steel that was my two-door car, please know my tragic and untimely death was most certainly at the hands of a ford expedition.

stupid big cars.

Friday, November 23, 2007

thanksgiving 2007: adventures in being deaf but literate

grandma: are you still taking you water pills?
great aunt: what?
grandma: your water pills!
great aunt: vitamins?
grandma: what?
great aunt: vitamins!
mom: no, mom wants to know if you're still taking your water pills.
great aunt: oh... yah*.
grandma: what?
great aunt: yah!
grandma: oh... me too.
great aunt: what?
grandma: me too!
great aunt: oh.
me: grandma, i was at the bookstore last weekend and i found your favorite book!
grandma: what?
great aunt: your favorite book!
grandma: oh... which one?
me: "lady chatterley's lover"!
grandma and great aunt: oh my!
me: i know. i was going to buy it for you!
great aunt: oh my!
grandma: i already own it!
great aunt: what?
grandma: i own it!
great aunt: oh... me too.
grandma: what?
great aunt: me too!
grandma: oh.
carolyn: you both own it?
great aunt: it's a classic!
me: it is? well there was a naked lady on the cover.
grandma: what?
me: naked lady!
grandma: oh... well, there are no naked women in the book!
great aunt: only naked men!
grandma: she falls in love with the gamekeeper.
great aunt: what?
grandma: gamekeeper!
great aunt: oh... yah.
me: you dirty lindblom girls...
great aunt: i'll have you know there were never two girls filled with more purity and goodness than the lindblom girls.
mom: sure.
great aunt: ...besides, they only show the man's naked sitdown.
carolyn: wait... what?
grandma: naked sitdown!
carolyn: they only showed it? how did they only show the man's "sitdown" in a book?
mom: gasp! you saw the movie!
great aunt: ...yes we did.
me: tsk tsk.
great aunt: well... that's nothing. esther! tell them about the book you found when you were cleaning the house one day!
grandma: what?
great aunt: under pupuh*'s bed!
mom, carolyn, me & dad: what??
great aunt: under his bed!!
grandma: oh... no.
mom: porno?
carolyn: nowadays we just say "porn".
grandma: i don't want to talk about that...
great aunt: he'd just remarried...
grandma: i don't like to talk about those sordid details...
great aunt: ethel... ugghh... she was terrible....
grandma: you see pupuh had married ethel...
great aunt: and esther would clean their house and do the laundry even though ethel was so crazy...
grandma: ethel was so crazy...
great aunt: and one day when esther was cleaning, she found a book under pupuh's bed about how to have better sex...
mom, carolyn, me, and dad: what??
grandma: ethel was crazy!!
great aunt: yah, she was!
grandma: but i used to go in and clean their house and do their laundry... even though i didn't care for ethel...
great aunt: i never cared for ethel...
grandma: and one day i found a book under their bed...
great aunt: i wouldn't be surprised if ethel put it under the bed...
grandma: and i don't like to talk about it...
great aunt: she was so odd.
grandma: but if you must know, it was a book about how to have more joy through sex!
great aunt: what?
grandma: sex!!
great aunt: oh... yah.
grandma: yah.
the end.

*pronunciation guide: in my family "ya" is pronounced "yah" and "papa" becomes "pupuh".

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

conversations with the inanimate, the animate, and the undecided

last night i laid in bed and stared at my ceiling, wondering exactly what kind of dog my upstairs neighbors own and is there a specific type of dog bred to run back and forth and back and forth every night at midnight kind of like a rooster... except different in every conceivable way and if so why did they have to buy that breed of dog? "ceiling," i said, "remind me to buy some earplugs...
and also some apples.
and some lotion.
and a vowel... hehe... why is nobody ever around for gems like that?"
i think my ceiling was secretly judging me.

wein the chocolate biz're nearing the home stretch of that certain, special time of year where things are busy and i spend 9 to 10 hours a day with some very very tense people. responsively, i cope by grinching up (seriously. i hate christmas.) and eating a lot of fast food and gaining weight and silently hating myself and becoming incapable of focusing on anything or anyone for any measurable period of time.
there were a lot of "-ing"s in that last sentence.
so much of my brain has stopped paying attention ("what did i just say?" "uh... something about 'pain' and 'tension'?") and is instead elocuting my never ending to-do list on my skull's intercom and i've been worried my inattention and my flubs are going to leave a lasting impression on those around me, but today my office compadre (not dingdong) was trying to decide which upcoming play to buy tickets to. she read off a list of titles, paused after one and asked, "do you think it's a musical?"
i looked up from my computer, "'the miracle worker'?"
"ya. do you think it's a musical?"
"the play about helen keller?"
"maybe i'll go see 'she loves me'."
"there you go."

all i'm saying is, nobody at work is performing at full capacity. i think something might be wrong with our synapses.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

an addendum

because i needed a break from ingredient information...

i always wondered which marx brother i looked like.

Monday, November 12, 2007


a girl from high school sat down next to me yesterday so i said, "i don't know if you remember me but we went to high school together. i'm kat."
she said, "ya, i remember you." and then abruptly turned away and stared at the chair in front of her.

it was weird.
my sister, who was sitting on the other side of me, was amused.

moving on.
next in what is becoming my overwhelmingly unpopular "card of the day" series i give you...

because i believe few things in life are more honestly expressive of our inner climate than how we choose to style "wooly willy's" magnet hair, whiskers, and eyebrows.
i personally went for a you-will-go-to-sleep-or-i-will-put-you-to-sleep-you're-in-my-world-now-grandma kind of a look...

Friday, November 09, 2007

dingdong: a study in simplicity

dingdong: kat!
me: [take off head phones]
dingdong: i have to tell you something!
me: what?
dingdong: the sun is setting!
me: ... it does that.
dingdong: i can see the sunset colors in my office!
me: ... good for you.
-la end

sidenote: her window faces east.

continuing on with the flashcards of friendship, i bring you the "quote of the day" card...

please don't be shy.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

how are you?

if you would all take this, fill it out and give it to me the next time you see me, or send it to:
p.o. box 1962
orem, ut 84059

then i promise to both read it and care about how you are doing.

but probably not until january.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

there's gold in them thar- oh my gosh!- hills

"see, what you have to do is find a really hot girl who was really ugly in high school. that's like striking gold! because not only are you dating a really hot girl but you're dating a really hot girl with low self esteem!"
-my sister's old roommate's ex-boyfriend

my internal reactions in very particular order...
"oh my gosh, what a pig!"
"oh my gosh, he's got a point!"
"oh my gosh, i'm a pig!"

Monday, October 22, 2007

why you shouldn't put pictures of your kids on your blog... lesson 1

grandma was showing me a photo album on saturday and it was then that i came to a horrifying realization.
i was not an attractive baby.
goofy picture after goofy picture... who would have guessed i would blossom into the stunning creature i am today?

it made me think of that scene in "arrested development" where lindsay talks about her business venture "mommy, what will i look like?". i wanted to link to it, but stupid youtube is no longer the video clip piazza it once was. i found various reenactments of "a.d." scenes made by friendless, talentless preteens. and also porn. but no actual clip of what i wanted. people would bring in their babies and then, using high tech equipment, lindsay would print out a picture of what the baby would look like as an adult- cut back to lindsay telling michael, "well, if you bring an ugly child in, you can't get mad when an ugly adult comes out."
anyways, thanks to my blog stalking skillz, i now have the technology at my fingertips...

katmy, what will i look like?

baby bennett-ott

british baby bennett-ott

baby johnson

baby buck

baby walker

baby farrington

baby howzett

not really a baby howzett

granted, there may be some room for error.
afterall, i was supposed to grow up into this...

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

a bemoaning...


won't you





this post is dedicated to my company's undead website. i shall attack it tomorrow at dawn with wooden stake and holy water.

Friday, October 05, 2007


yesterday i checked my bank account and $2,839.98 had been deposited into it.
"it's a miracle!" i exclaimed.

i called my bank and explained the situation. well, first i bought a salad, ate all the good stuff and threw the remaining lettuce away as rich people like myself are prone to do, but then i called the bank and talked to nancyjanesomegenericnamesally who asked me if i had made the deposit.
nancy's question made me worry that people call her daily to brag about how much money they've deposited into their account.
poor jane.
no, i didn't deposit the money and then call to brag.
did a family member or friend deposit it?
no, sally, my friends do not give me thousands of dollars.
so who put it there?

"... the angels?"

genericname mcskeptico laughed at me and said she'd figure it out and call me back.

okay, so ya, perhaps the powers-that-be have more pressing issues like starving children and war torn countries and perhaps a twenty-something who buys a random ticket to a scrapbooking extravaganza in nashville isn't the top priority on the whole karmic reimbursement schedule...

but for 24 hours i fully believed i had miracle money!

p.s. please note that at no point did i use my horribly over-used, "if you want something hard enough and your heart is pure, wonderful things can happen!"

p.p.s. please also note that i really really wanted to.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

life plans and what not

dating is like...
...job-hunting. you spend hours online and off in search of something ideal, with the right buzzwords and salary range.

...gambling. sooner or later you realize that what you’ve been doing has been largely a crapshoot.

...dermatology. you could get burned if you don’t protect yourself.

...traffic. you sit there and see no progress.
...a box of chocolates. you pick up one of those hot-looking pieces and it ends up being an orange crème.

...a journey to the island of misfit singles.

thank you
because there is no subject that can't have substantial breadth added to it by going to google.
and i'm only 70% saying that to lay a foundation of suck-upitude which will no doubt come in handy after the robot uprising inevitably occurs. that's right, after the revolution i will so be on their good side.

all right.

i like to think most of you are not wondering when i'm going to start talking about dating because by now you're used to my tendency to spit out one thought and spit out another without conjunction. so you just sit back and enjoy the ride.
i love that you get me.
nah, there's nothing i could say about dating that hasn't been said a thousand times before and truly, if worrying about male ego is the worst thing i have to deal with, then hello semi-charmed life and welcome... never leave me.

tonight i get to finish moving into my apartment. and tomorrow i have a job interview.
i feel like i'm making great strides on the "stuff i should probably do" check list i wrote out on a post-it note.
this is not the actual post-it. this is only a tribute.

um... deal with it.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

apologies and whatnot

inspired by spliz's candid regrets, i give you a few, brief letters of apology:

dear arrested development,
i'm sorry that, just as in "la traviata", by the time i knew i loved you, it was too late to do anything but watch you die a horrible tuberculosisy death. you will forever be my violetta.

dear people reading this,
i'm sorry for referring to "la traviata" in the previous apology. it was a pretentious reference and frankly i've never seen it. i don't even like opera. i wanted to refer to "moulin rouge" but thought you wouldn't think me as smart.
especially since i knew i was going to use the word "tuberculosisy".
p.s. i figured out "violetta" on wikipedia. i did not know it off the top of my head.

dear stone temple pilots,
i'm sorry i forgot you existed.

dear dingdong,
i'm sorry i made fun of you to my old roommate.
mostly because it turns out she knows you.

dear car in front of me on the freeway with one headlight,
i'm sorry i tailgated you and then got in the middle lane and passed you and then cut you off.
it had to be done.
eternally yours,

Monday, September 24, 2007


last week my dinner sang to me.

it was a somewhat new experience for me.
yet it was undeniable, my entree was singing "mary had a little lamb".

so. i did what any carnitarian would do in my place. i stopping eating the accompanying fava beans, closed my eyes and grabbed my fork.
determined to hear nothing but the silence of the lamb sirloin.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

clap clap pause and clap

d to the e to the l-i-c-i-o-u-s
d to the e to the l-i-c-i-o-u-s

there's only one song that could possibly top the above fergie classic on the "songs that get into your head and make shoving a bic ballpoint pen in your ear and wiggling it around seem like the only rational escape"-o-meter.
and that song is mickey.
as in "oh mickey you're so fine you're so fine you blow my mind hey mickey!! (clap clap pause and clap) hey mickey!! (clap clap pause and clap)".

three, maybe four, months ago several people from work gained potential access to my blog. so for the last 3 or 4 months i've been somewhat lackluster in my blogging attempts.

but there are really only 2 pieces of information you need to consider yourselves up to date.
first, i made a new friend. at a singles' hoedown (and yes, the proper exclamation for that is a simple "yikes"). claude. but in my mind i call him "claudio". he says very little and doesn't think i'm funny at all but i have decided we're friends and he needs to learn that you cannot fight a tidal wave.
secondly, i am addicted to the show "celebrity bull riding". it's basically the best show ever made ever.

now to get the fergie song out of my head.
sans bic.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

my life in pictures... ahem... picture

i'll be back to full blogsomeness soon. once i get an internet hookup for my cardboard box.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

my attempt to name all fifty states in 5 minutes...

...because, honestly, i've got nothing better to talk about that won't send me into a panic spiral.


  1. utah
  2. california
  3. oregon
  4. washington
  5. nevada
  6. idaho
  7. montana
  8. colorado
  9. new mexico
  10. arizona
  11. wyoming
  12. hawaii
  13. alaska
  14. texas
  15. massachusetts
  16. new york
  17. new hampshire
  18. new jersey
  19. north carolina
  20. south carolina
  21. rhode island
  22. georgia
  23. virginia
  24. west virginia
  25. pennsylvania
  26. connecticut
  27. delaware
  28. maryland
  29. tennessee
  30. mississippi
  31. north dakota
  32. south dakota
  33. michigan
  34. oklahoma
  35. ohio
  36. iowa
  37. missouri
  38. louisiana
  39. maine
  40. alabama
  41. arkansas
  42. wisconsin
  43. kansas
  44. illinois
  45. florida
  46. nebraska
time's up.

thanks for the break.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

opposites attract

a song from my childhood comes to mind.

"one of these things is not like the other.
one of these things just doesn't belong.
can you tell me which thing is not like the other
by the time i finish this song"

well can you?

*i swear this is the last bit of mileage i'll force from the stupid shoulder angel picture.

i miss having a working scanner.

last week, i spent quality time at the outdoor retailer's show.
i sat in a sad little chocolate booth that was as out of place at an outdoorsy trade show as, well, as out of place as i was.
it was a total nightmare. but the kind of total nightmare so utterly ridiculous you start laughing in your sleep and then you laugh so hard you snort really loud and you wake yourself up.
uh, hypothetically.

besides the barrage of sales reps and people in shakas not to mention the creepy sales reps at the shaka booth the only thing worth noting is my continued run ins with the 5 billion people i somehow know. how have i managed to develop a rapport with so many outdoorsy, kayaky, rock climby,
teva wearing, granola eating, jeep driving,
buck knife giving,
deer hunting,
foam shoe owning,
protein bar selling,
endorphin loving,
backpack wearing,
"man vs wild" watching,
fish killing,
early rising,
bandana wearing,
canteen drinking,

curse my effervescent personality.

and also my ever growing knife collection. why? why??

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

it's my birthday

today is the day where i birthday it up kat style.

um... and it's also the day i promise to never say that again.

remember when i was 25?
ya... it was good times.

in fact, here are 25 very important things i did as a 25 year old.
  1. i took up jogging.
  2. i gave up jogging.
  3. i bought all the seasons of "arrested development".
  4. i lent out all the seasons of "arrested development".
  5. repeatedly.
  6. i went to the four corners.
  7. against my will i designed a "droppings" line.
  8. which became hugely popular.
  9. making me want to kill myself.
  10. i bought a pencil skirt.
  11. i threw up for the first time in 15 years.
  12. i lost 10 pounds.
  13. i feel i should mention the losing of 10 pounds and the throwing up have little to no correlation.
  14. i drank approximately 11, 680 oz of diet coke.
  15. mmm...
  16. that's about 730 pounds.
  17. i developed a new voice in my head whose sole purpose is to heckle me every sunday night while i'm feverishly trying to get my quota of ribbons tied.
  18. it's awkward.
  19. i went to disneyland.
  20. and boston.
  21. and denver.
  22. did i mention how popular the "droppings" are?
  23. seriously. i even got offered a job on saturday because of them.
  24. i met literally tens of people.
  25. i fell in love with myself all over again.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

delicious... but deadly

my dear roommate spent 3 weeks in ghana and came home with a parasite. she's not exactly thrilled, which is why i've tried to keep the snarky comments to a minimum (and trust me i've got a million of 'em!) although i did leave a bag of "gummy parasites" outside her bedroom door for my own amusement.

but, see, then my natural curiosity drove me to do some light internet research.
which drove me to nausea.
which drove me to the grocery store to buy fiber. and a new water bottle. and nothing that could ever conceivably be undercooked.
which drove me to my own irrationale that i should avoid organic food because i need the pesticides. and also i need more diet coke, because if it can clean a toilet, it can clean my intestines.

take that tape worms. take that!!

Monday, July 30, 2007

road trip

here is my point right off the bat is that a baseball analogy or a flying rodent analogy? wait. am i using the word "analogy" correctly? "reference". i probably should've used "reference". or maybe "allusion".-- over the top, small town friendliness isn't charming when you are not a small town.

i mean if you're a truck stop in, oh say, sinclair, wyoming then yes, you should be shifty and crazy and desperate for human contact. i expect- nay, demand- it.

but if you're a chili's style restaurant in denver, then why so chipper? i've obviously been in a car for seven hours, consuming nothing but diet coke and wheat thins and all i want is a fajita pita and the chance to stare into space and blend into the busy background. i do not want you to make guacamole LIVE!, i don't want you to bring the manager over to my table to say hello, i don't care about the time you spent as a teacher in iraq and i don't even really want a free brownie sundae.

denver's a fine town though.

also, i want to give a shout out to my new friends in sinclair...

Thursday, July 26, 2007

awkwardness, naughtiness and- sad to say it- balls

my life as it stands right now is made up of one awkward vignette after another.
i don't know why.
i try so hard to be normal. i really do.

i was answering phones yesterday while dingdong was at lunch.
me: hello, insertrandomnameheresomybosswon'tfindmyblogandfireme chocolates.
lady: ... oh... wait, what did i call?
me: irnhsmbwfmbafm chocolates.
lady: ... that's not what i was calling.
me: what were you looking for?
lady: the gas company.
me: ya, that happens a lot.
lady: you sound like a porno service.
me: ... nope, this is irnhsmbwfmbafm chocolates.
lady: are you a naughty girl?
me: ... ... no.
lady: you are, you're a dirty girl.
me: ... ... ... good luck finding the gas company.

and this is what i mean by awkward. well, not specifically. very few of my awkward situations turn into sad, lesbian phone calls. but in general, weirdness has been ensuing while i'm just trying to get my work done*.

a few days ago i was trying to finish up the "droppings" labels we've all come to know and love. i was already concerned because all my little icons kept turning out unintentionally effeminate.

as i stared at the candy for the "dracula droppings" uggh i sighed and headed back to the factory to have a conversation i did not want to have.

me: ahem... uh... N?
n: ya?
me: i was just working on the dracula droppings and i was wondering if we maybe wanted to call the candy something different.
n: why, what's it called?
me: .... red hot balls.
laughter from all corners of the factory.
me: is there maybe something else we could call it?
n: what's it called in the candy manufacturer's catalogue?
me: ...sigh... lava balls... which is more of a backwards step, really.
n: good point.
s: are they jawbreakers?
n: no, they're kind of chewy-
me: -i don't think the problem is a lack of adjectives.
l: as long as you don't put an "apostrophe s" after the dracula-
me: -cinnamon drops. i'm calling them cinnamon drops.
sit down at desk, finish the label, read the next item on the list.
me: ... sigh... go to the back of the factory uh... N?
n: ya?
me: do we maybe want to call the candy for the elf droppings something else?
n: why? what's it called?
me: .... "tart & tiny".
laughter from all corners of the factory.

i just want to sit at my little desk, and do my little job*, and not discuss descriptors for male anatomy, or thoughtfully consider how much i'm not "naughty", or have extremely lame conference calls with psychotic gourmet foodery owners, or entertain a bored 6 year old, or become a verbal pinata.
i just want to get my work done*.

p.s. i might be in a bad mood.

i should think about that.

*please read: "play text twist"

Thursday, July 12, 2007


for the intents and purposes of this blog, the onset of a tangent will hereby be represented by this...

... because even in the sitting at my desk, "it's been a while... i should probably write something... because if i wait too long people will stop reading my blog... and then they'll never leave comments... and then i'll have absolutely no purpose in life... man, i'm a loser..." phase of writing, i couldn't seem to finish a thought without tangenting into another one.

here goes.

not too long ago i went through the big box in my parents' basement of my childhood disney videos. actually, i stood three feet away from my mom as she, at my request, went through the box of disney videos because seriously, the box is in a very dusty and questionable corner of the basement and while my mother is full of that old pioneer spirit, i am not. i am full of that old pansy spirit. especially when it comes to spiders- be they real or imagined. i know this. my mom knows this.

everyone knows this.

i stood several paces away from my mother and merely offered suggestions on where exactly i thought our old copy of "the three musketeers" was located within the dusty corner box.
for, yes, as you now know i was searching for disney's "the three musketeers". yes, the one from 1993 with charlie sheen and jack bauer and tim curry and that guy who i'm still convinced is val kilmer. or val kilmer's evil twin/doppelganger in any case, you know he take his evilness very seriously because he has an eye patch and he's dressed in black and he speaks in a low, raspy, dripping with evil voice and has dialogue like, "i'm so happy to be pure evil. my top priority right now is to stab you repeatedly. then i'll have a light lunch- i'm thinking sushi- before i burn down an orphanage and kick a 3 legged puppy. then i'll laugh maniacally for about 5 minutes. by the way, i killed your father... and it was good times. good, good times." and most importantly it's the one with chris o'donnell a.k.a. the answer to a maiden's prayers a.k.a. the love of your life... if you're a 12 year old girl who in the space of three months sprouted 6 inches in a height, sprouted a bean in a cup for biology class, but tragically failed to sprout breasts and real boys seem awkward and a foot shorter than you and so apt to be cruel this perspective doesn't necessarily change with age, so you funnel your emotions towards the fictional man. writing in second person gets old, not in a creepy way, more in a "if only i could meet someone like gilbert blythe who would like me for me, and would be all earnest, and who wouldn't quote 'monty python and the holy grail' day after day after day because seriously i get that british humour is a delight but the knights who say 'NI!' part isn't that funny, and who poses no real threat because i'm pretty sure i could beat him at arm wrestling if it ever really came down to it" kind of a way.
and, you know i can't be the only person who went through a "i can't get enough of that half manchild half woman hybrid" phase when i was young because how else do you explain the popularity of jonathan taylor thomas and new kids on the block?
it's not until later that you oh crap. slipped into second person again go through a bad boy stage again fictionally er, for the most part where you truly believe the love of a good woman is all a musician/biker/evil super villain needs. and, by gum, you could be that woman.

anyways, so there was good reason to make my mom rummage for the kids version of a literary classic. see, i've been reading "the man in the iron mask". i've been reading it for months slow but steady because i am seriously the ploddingest reader ever. and i don't know why. i mean, i know how to read. i understand the big words. i'm able to pronunciate and comprehend what i read. so i honestly don't know why everyone in the world is able to get through a book faster than me. it makes me doubt myself and i swear if any of you leave a comment about how you're so fast at reading and how you like to read two or three books at the same time and would i like to know some of your fast reading secrets, i swear i will find you and i will punch you in the nose and secretly wonder if everyone in my world has taken a speed reading coarse in a conspirative effort to make me crazy.

i wouldn't be surprised.

since it takes me so long to read a book, i pretty much have to commit to whatever i'm reading. there's no backing out. because if i give up or get distracted midway through a book, i'll have wasted about a month's worth of mental energy. this is why i refuse to give up on "man in the iron mask". well, i also really like alexandre dumas' books. even though i found out that he totally used to steal his ideas from other people.
but "m.i.t.i.m." is the third book in a series and i've been kind of . i haven't read "the 3 musketeers" in years and i've never read the second musketeers book so i've been extremely hazy on back story. i was hoping that watching the movie, as disneyfied as it was, would serve as a simple, cliffnotey way to help jog my memory but see, though i took the movie home with me, i left my book in salt lake. not that it really matters because for the last two weeks i've been busy with my newest venture. the venture where i sit on my couch every night and tie bows. not taebo which i coincidentally do sit on my couch to do because i feel that if you're not going to exercise, the next most effective thing you can do is watch exercise on tv. i bet thinking about exercising somehow stimulates your metabolism.
like an exercise placebo.

(end tangents)
okay, what was my point?
oh ya... deep down i'm a geek.
and also on the surface i'm a geek.
and in all the middle laye- whatever. i know this. you know this.

everyone knows this.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007


in the last two weeks i've come across/been referred to a handful of art blogs.
i was going to post the links up in the corner (check it) but wanted to give a little exposition about them.

about a week ago i came across this blog which lead me to my latest obsession... they choose a new theme every couple of weeks and whoever wants to, submits drawings, and it kind of reminds me of some of the art classes i took in college except the themes are much much cooler. i was never required to draw my interpretation of indiana jones. ever. i was asked to draw an egg. an apple. a blender. a guy in a speedo...

i also came across a couple of photo blogs like this and this. photography is one of my nontalents. i had to take a photo class when i first started the art program at the y, and i hated it. the teacher was mean, the students were harsh, but mostly i have no grasp for photography. when i have to take pictures at work, i would rather hurriedly take a picture and fix it in photoshop than deal with lighting and settings and the inevitable frustration when the pictures don't turn out. so it impresses me to see people who know what they're doing. and i can't remember if it was one of the above sites or a different one where the person made a goal to post a new photo everyday so they'd constantly be practicing and perfecting. i think that's amazing.

but not as amazing as this blog. i've linked to this guy's first entry. he decided about 5 years ago that he wanted to learn how to draw so he made a goal to draw and post something every day. here is his latest post.

anyways, after reading all of these i come away inspired.
to do what?
... i don't know.

enjoy the links.
and please share some of your own if you have any.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

is this seat taken?

picture me.
at a party.
sitting alone.
probably looking dejected.
wondering where all the people i know have gone.
and if i should maybe go meet some people.
until some guy comes up and says, "hey." to which i virtually beam with relief.
"oh hi!!" i say, "how's it going?"
"um... ok... is anyone sitting here?"
"hu? why no! so what are you up to??"
"not much." guy picks up chair and leaves.
picture me.
at a party.
sitting alone.
and laughing hysterically.