Tuesday, December 31, 2002

week of knowledge

some things that i've learned this past week...
* the definition of segacious: shrewd; logical; rational; everything i am NOT
* a cup of steven's mint truffle hot chocolate has 160 calories.
* all-a-dollar provides all the basic necessities of life.
* my great aunt pauline's kids are adopted. sadly i am not.
* the guy at kinkos thinks that when i was little i looked like the pepsi commercial girl.
* when you order an ebook it is not delivered to your house. it is kept on your computer and accessed with a code.
* the definition of incussiant: nonchalant; carefree. (next week i hope to learn how to spell it.)
* it is in fact possible to despise someone one day and adore them the next... and then despise them again.
* i can eat more mashed potatoes in one sitting than my dad can.
* my friends weren't lying, "lord of the rings" is a good movie.
that's quite a lot to learn all at once if you ask me.

Thursday, December 19, 2002

pack rat

i'm a pack rat. i save EVERYTHING! and it's ridiculous.
i have clothes in my closet that pre-date bananarama but i refuse to throw them away because i might need them in the future. i have so much stuff that i haven't used in years, and yet the minute i try to clean out my closet, i have this unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach that i might need these items in the future. it's like how james bond gets a whole bunch of really specific gadgets at the beginning of the movie and then throughout the film, those gadgets become strangely appropriate. ("phew... it's a good thing i had my shaving cream can that actually contains yellow spray paint, thus allowing me to inflitrate goldfinger's lab by pretending to be a large banana. otherwise i would have been killed.") it's almost though it was planned. hmmm... so as i was saying, can you imagine what would happen if james bond suddenly said, "with all these gadgets, i can't pack my tuxedo. i haven't used this shaving cream/ spray paint for ages, i'll just throw it out." there would be dire consequences!!
this is why i keep old clothes.

Wednesday, December 18, 2002

"death by christmas shopping"

that's what the coroner is going to say when i am found DEAD. it's terrifying to go out in the chaos. i've tried to do most of my shopping online, but you know that sooner or later, you have to change out of your pajamas, and go out. i went to walmart the other day to buy wrapping paper and a candle. let me tell you about the courage that i found hidden deep within me. i think that walmart's aisles get progressively narrower, especially around christmas time. little aisles plus big shopping carts equals a battle to the death. i don't know how i survived. children were being thrown everywhere, old people were moving unnaturally fast, and everyone had this look in their eye. a mixture of extreme desperation and hunger. but i went into the depths of walmart, and fought for the wrapped paper, and came out only slightly mangled. next year i'm not going to buy presents, i'm just going to give cash.

Friday, December 13, 2002


in my psychology classes, i always learn about erik erikson. i know very little about him except that he had a theory that people go through psychosocial stages. the idea is that as you grow up you move from one stage to another and you can't move to a new stage until you've resolved the conflict in the previous one. conflicts like trust vs mistrust, identity vs role confusion, or intimacy vs isolation. i don't know, maybe the way i've described it makes it sound dull, but i'm absolutely intrigued by the idea that everyone has to go through the same stuggles regardless of culture or gender or time period. i appreciate the fact that erikson described each stage of growth in terms of "conflict". i like that personal growth is something that has to happen, and is meant to happen. just like mental progression and personal progression are a natural part of living, so is spiritual progression. spiritual progression is also defined in terms of "conflict". it's a vital part of growing, and inextricably connected to our minds and our personalities.
so...umm...ya...erikson is cool.

Friday, December 06, 2002

krazy kat lady

boycotting society is the happiest move i've ever made. i no longer feel out of control. did you know that i have the power to react how i want to? it's true. i forgot that i could do that. now i have a lust for power. maybe i will boycott other things... like exercise. that's a good one. and finals. yep, definately boycotting finals. and also the 10 o'clock news. i don't know why, i just want to. ha! i don't have to be perfect all the time. i don't even have to keep up the charade of being perfect. do you realize how ridiculous it is that i honestly didn't understand this before? i don't have to be magnanimous. this small, but all important epiphany has made me so incredibly content because i no longer feel under the thumb of everyone around me. i'm no longer obligated to do an elaborate juggling act. when did my attitude of "rely on me" become one of "walk all over me"? and will this new "back off" attitude become one of "look at me and i'll throw something at you"? i doubt it. just because i went to one extreme doesn't mean i'm going to careen towards crazy cat lady status.

Thursday, December 05, 2002


the managers at my apartment complex decided to replace the stairs to my building. i was awakened yesterday by a tumult that i at first assumed to be the apocolypse. turns out it was a handful of some very colorful men with jack hammers and sledge hammers and every other kind of hammer. they completely demolished our stair case, and then sometime around 2pm left.
they haven't come back yet.
we have a hole where our stairs should be. luckily there are orange cones surrounding it to prevent me from falling into the gaping maw 5 feet from my door. thank heavens.

maybe i should steal some of the orange cones and construct a device such that the orange cones will surround me all the time. it could act as some kind of warning to prevent people from falling into the gaping maw of my idiosyncrasies.

Tuesday, December 03, 2002


last night i had a non date with mark. and by that i mean that we were supposed to go to a counting crows concert. but the tickets fell through. so mark watched me play spider solitaire for 3 hours.
three hours.
i was not happy. and subsequently i don't blame myself at all for ditching him. for saying i had things to do and leaving.
of course, i had no place to go. so i went to james'. i'm not smart. i hung out with jake for awhile but the moment james came into the living room i remembered that i don't like him.
which meant that i went to the only other place to go at 1 am in provo. walmart.
eventually i went home (due to a few phone calls from liz) and sat on my couch. until my cell phone rang. it was james. then my other phone rang. it was mark.
james waited patiently (he was really very nice abou it) as i apologized to mark (he was very nice about it too) for being a flake. then james asked me to come over. he was direct. and civil.
i figured something must be wrong. i said i'd be right over.
when i went out to my car i saw that it was covered with chocolate and roses.
i had no idea what was going on. i went to james' and we sat in my car while he pointed out a few things...
  1. he "constantly" thought about me over thanksgiving break,
  2. it hurts him when i talk to other guys,
  3. he doesn't treat me as well as he should (thus the chocolate and flowers)
  4. he has all these "tender feelings" towards me.
i wanted to get out of my car and run away. screaming. and waving my hands in the air.
but i was stuck.
i thought to myself, "james is always going to be around. i deserve this."
which is why i let him kiss me.
but mid kiss i totally had an epiphany. i'd had such a crappy day. and such a crappy past few months and it was so stupid. me, james, dating, my newly acquired flare for drama queening... it's all so idiotic.
as of now i do deserve james. he's told me so many valid things. i am spoiled, manipulative, conceited, insincere, all of it. but i've never been mopey before. i've never had insomnia. i've never been afraid of my friends and my family. i've never been afraid of myself.
i've never been that person. i don't need to be that person.
i'm determined to fix this. do you think i can?


new rules to help me establish my happy apathy place
(in other words, how to become a recluse)...
rule #1: no visiting people, especially if those people are also boys.
rule #2: if someone comes over to visit, do not put down current project to give full attention.
rule #3: say no to all possible dates unless doing so would severely damage ego of fragile young man.
rule #4: do not stay in rec room after ward prayer to socialize.
rule #5: do not write 5 billion love notes to everyone.
rule #6: do not plan/execute toga parties, hot tub clubs, dinners, desert clubs, etc.
rule #7: do not call james. in fact, delete his number from cell phone.

i cherish apathy. i revel in it. it is my refuge from world that refuses to do what i tell it to.
have you ever read the book "you are special" by max lucado? i love it. it's a fantastic book about little puppets who give each other gold stars or gray dots, depending on what they judge to be deserved. at the end the woodcutter, the one who made all the puppets, explains that the stars and dots only stay on if they are believed to matter.
it's amazing how my two sentence summarily butchered such a sweet story.
i bring this book up because in a very strange, twisted way, that's what i'm trying to accomplish with apathy. it's my shortcut to happiness. or at least a compromise.
i don't want people to like me. i don't want them to hate me. i just want them to leave me alone.
let max lucado shudder at his book being applied thus.

Monday, December 02, 2002

last straws

weekend of death. micah and i decided to rally together everyone who was back from thanksgiving break and play with a great spirit of irresponsibility. mid play group, i decided to do a quick sweep of the apartments in my ward to make sure everyone was invited.
ok, that's a partial truth. while walking over to micah's, i ran into james who i guess wanted to grace me with his unshowered presence. i dragged him with me to micah's where he, as always, went and sat quietly in a corner out of pure contrariness. i'd be talking to people and i'd look over and see him staring at me with a look of frustration and confusion.
so i left.
i ended up in apartment talking to an old friend. the same person who i used to consider one of my best friends... until he came back for fall semester and hated me. i hate when that happens.
my frustration with james carried over and exponentially increased my frustration with this guy. i began asking very straightforward questions. it seemed like a very good and mending idea at the time until i realized that very straight forward questions produce very straight forward answers.
so i left.
i went back to the play group and saw that james had left, thus leaving me with the implication of ditching him. my frustration level was again squared, or possibly even cubed. play group was no longer an option for me.
so i left.
i went home, called james and apologized, and looked forward to having some time alone to cool down. i told myself to relax. i think i even used the phrase "take a chill pill". unfortunately, i only had exedrin and a multivitamin. i opted for the vitamin but before i could calm down my roomate came home and there was no way i was going to be able to have a sane conversation.
so i left.
i had this genius idea to take a walk. but turns out it's frigidly cold nowadays, so i got in my car turned it on, put the seat down, turned the heat up full blast, and listened to "rhapsody in blue" (my second all time favorite song ever ("adagio for strings" taking first place)). i felt my frustration leaving me in the same exponential fashion in which it had previously risen -would that mean that my frustration was square rooted?- until there was a knock on the window. it was 3 boys from my ward. i sat for a minute and tried to think of a reason, any reason, i could give them for sleeping in my car without seeming like the complete lunatic i am.
nothing came...
leaving me to mumble something about going to the store, and then taking a nap. two of the guys wisely left me alone, but one was more daring and came into my car to talk. i tried to think of an answer, any answer, to the question, "is something wrong?" it had to be believable. it had to have tinge of normalcy.
nothing came...
and from that point on i have no idea what i said to him. i can't remember. i must have blacked out from panic, because the next thing i remember is this brave little man putting his head sympathetically on my knee. i patted him reassuringly and wondered what i had said.
i looked out my window hoping to find the answer.
instead i saw james staring at me with a look of frustration and confusion.
what's the polite thing to do in a situation like that? how was i to proceed?
my solution: smile and wave.
james went up to my apartment and in an homage to chris farley, i started hitting my head with both hands and yelling, "stupid! stupid! stupid!" my car was obviously not the place to find solace.
so i left.
and went back up to my apartment where i sat for the next couple of hours with an air of resignation.

that was my night of last straws, and if i had a camel i'm sure it's back would be broken in two! i give up! i am hereby a recluse. i don't want to get to know people anymore because i'll have fun with them and start to depend on them at which point they will "straightforwardly" tell me that i am manipulative, and insincere, and immature, and smelly, and i won't be able to tell myself that it's just because they don't know the real me.
i'm so tired of people telling me what's wrong with me. when i was in elementary school i used to combat teasings by yelling at the top of my lungs "STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES BUT WORDS WILL NEVER HURT ME!" and i believed it. now when being bombarded with horrible (yet valid) accusations i just want to say, "if you don't lay off, i'm going to get a big stick and break some bones."
aw... the wisdom that comes with age.
or perhaps rather than going on a neandertholic bone breaking rampage, i'll just cut myself off.