Thursday, May 25, 2006

buzz off

yesterday morning i had no choice but to fight to the death the kind of "fight to the death" where no one actually... you know... dies with gigantor name chosen by me and in no way meant to be ironic, like how my  cousin sometimes calls me "tiny" and then walks off laughing. i was of course forced to retreat go to work after our first meeting, for you see i had been caught unaware and unprepared and, well, unarmed. i couldn't help wondering how gigantor had gotten into my bedroom in the first place since i keep my bedroom door and window closed at all times. it may have been a miracle not a miracle in the strictest sense. or even in the lenient sense like when i was 21 and "miracles" kept on happening like the "miracle of the stray cat" and the "miracle of the snickers bar in the fridge" which all ended up tracing back to my crazy ex quasi boyfriend who had boundary issues, but i suspected foul play not foul play in the strictest sense. or even in the lenient sense like when i was 21 and foul play usually traced back to my ex quasi boyfriend who had boundary issues. when i arrived home after work i knew that there would be no turning back, that this was the moment of truth, that it was now or never and all the other cliches that would be thought at a time like this. i entered my room and quickly spotted it. it had indeed grown even larger and more grotesque during my absence. we looked at each other for quite some time, both daring the other to make the first move. the silence was unbearable. the tension could be cut with a knife but not the sexual tension. that was nonexistent. i could take it no longer. i grabbed an empty cup, let out a blood curdling ew war cry, and charged, catching gigantor off guard and trapping him inside the cup i believe it was a hogi yogi cup. you know, styrofoam. tough. good stuff. i dropped to the floor, weary from the encounter. and here we are at the crux of my tale. after all was said and done, i didn't have the heart to kill such a worthy opponent plus there was a whole ick factor. i could hear it in its efforts to free itself from its styrofoamy prison and knew it's journey was far from over. so i took prison and prisoner outside, released one from the other, squealed and ran back inside.
that's right gigantor, leave... to fight another day.

um... maybe i should mention that i've been watching a lot of "buffy the vampire slayer" lately.
but at least i didn't get stung and i'd say that puts my in the plus column.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006


stuck in my head: "we will rock you"

reason 34 why i love the internet...

i found this today. and even though i try and steer away from blaming "the media" for my problems in their entirety (i like to blame my issues on the more literal forces in my life... like boyfriends... and parents...), making the model's love handles appear and disappear filled me with a nice, warm, glowy kind of a feeling.

Monday, May 22, 2006


if my blog were a novel, you know... about me, i would imagine that snippets of if would sound something like this...

as she sat ("she" being me. "me" being the narrator and the end-all-be-all of this blog, whose bias you have to assume is accurate) waiting for church to begin, she realized that she sat alone in her pew and was in fact alone in the chapel. examining all the possibilities she decided that the rest of her ward must have seen her walk in and hidden behind the podium as part of an elaborately cruel joke.
so she went home and watched "buffy".

if my blog were a soap opera, you know... about me, i'd imagine it would go something like this...

me: how is this possible? how?? how???
dirk: pull yourself together!! (slaps me in the face)
me: this is all your fault! you had it in for me the minute i walked through those doors and i knew it! i knew it the minute i looked into your eyes. i knew that our mutual passion could only end in ruination and deceit! (throws a glass of water in dirk's face)
dirk: you don't know what you're talking about!
me: i loathe you!
dirk: i despise you!
me: you repulse me!!
(they kiss passionately)
dirk: ... so is there something i can get you instead?
me: um... ya. if you're out of the spicey chicken, i guess i'll get the #5 combo instead.
dirk: that'll be $5.36.

if my blog was a hard hitting news program, you know... about me, i'd imagine it would more or less be like this...

we interrupt the regularly scheduled programming to bring you this important news story. our sources tell us that charismatic candy label designer kat, a well known advocate of striped patterns did in fact design a label with slightly thinner than usual stripes earlier today.
i repeat... slightly. thinner. than usual.
witnesses say at one point she considered making a label with circles on it- an idea which was quickly dismissed as crazy talk. should this slightly thinner than usual striped pattern be accepted the entire candy community could be turned upside down.
tune in 5 minutes after the hour to find out how this slightly thinner than usual striped pattern will effect you, the consumer. see how president bush handled the news of the slightly thinner than usual stripe and his comments on how it will effect gas prices and the situation in the middle east.
then at 10 minutes past the hour we'll discuss how the slightly thinner than usual stripe will help your morning commute.
we return you now to your regularly scheduled programming already in progress.

sadly, my blog is only a blog.
it's tragic really.
because my life is pure drama. and it really deserves to be viewed in the proper forum.

oh gosh.
my life is so dull

Thursday, May 18, 2006

energy conservation

stuck in my head: "walk like an egyptian"

reason 2 why taking a 3 times a week yoga class after 6 months of complete and total non movement might not have been the smartest move i've ever made...

um, seriously.
we're talking the "if i sit here and don't make any sudden movements, maybe every single muscle in my back will forgive me... with time" kind of ow.

Monday, May 15, 2006

week off

taking a break.
see ya next week.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

vitamin c

if you were to talk to me on the phone or receive an email from me you would notice that i'm a tad monotone and if you then did a little research into the matter you would discover that for the last week i've been doing really strange things like eating fruit and thinking very very seriously about exercizing and if you delved deep enough you would then realize than i am, in point of fact, noncaffeinated.
for maybe, like, the 4th time in my life.

truthfully though, you probably haven't spoken on the phone with me or received an email, because in the past week i've had even less attention span than usual. and i keep on finding myself drifting off in the middle of

Thursday, May 04, 2006

mrs. astrophe

i love that when celebrities date they, as a couple, get a new name. their coupledom becomes its own entity, and instead of having to keep track of both brad pitt AND angelina jolie, i only have to worry about "brangelina".
it's such a load off my mind.
and really, something that should be used in real life. who cares about my married/dating friends individually. let's combine their names. so much easier, and i'm betting a lot cheaper come christmas.

and in closing, i'd like to especially thank "tomkat" for opening my eyes to a whole new realm of possibilities. i already knew how lucky i'd be if i married mr. call or mr. walk, but now i see that i could make a go of it with any "tom".
or "bob".
or, if i'm really lucky, "shadow".

and even if i choose to switch teams, i'd still have my options open with an "allie".

Monday, May 01, 2006


if i lived my life the way i drove, i'm pretty sure i'd be queen of some small country .... or else i'd be in prison.

if i lived my life according to what songs got stuck in my head, i'm pretty sure my name would be "janie" and i'd have a gun.

if i lived my life the way i draw, i'm pretty sure i'd be a manic depressive brunette staring at an inanimate object (hu... ok, that one's pretty accurate).

i don't really have a point.