Friday, December 26, 2008

whilst purchasing a christmas eve diet coke my chevron boyfriend, who always has something to say to me no matter which incarnation of myself he thinks i am, looked me up and down and said, "you look different today."
"i look different?"
"ya. different."
"different how?"
"i don't know. different."
"... different bad?"
"no!" reassured the homeless man who had jumped out of the dumpster and followed me into the chevron, "not different bad, different great!"
"really?"
"sure!"
"okay. thanks. happy holidays."

and all i'm saying is that a guy who was rummaging through garbage needed to reassure me that i'm pretty.


what is wrong with me?

Thursday, December 11, 2008

when i was 17, my parents finally got cable. it marked a turning point in my life.
goodbye public television. hello mtv.
besides "daria" and "real world: seattle: the one where a girl gets lyme disease: and this other guy slaps her: but despite the ticks and the drama i was still convinced living in seattle would be awesome: did you know there's a market where they throw fish?: they just throw the fish!: through the air!: did you know this em?" and that one dating show with jenny mcarthy and that late night show with dr. drew that i never actually watched because, let's get real here, installing cable hadn't robbed my parents of their mental abilities.
there was also this game show where contestants tried to keep a straight face while comedians did mini stand up routines and if they managed not to laugh they won money. it was called, like, "don't you dare laugh" or "laugh it up" or "laugh, dangit!" and maybe it wasn't on mtv maybe it was on comedy central.
i have a mind like a steel trap!

this morning i was reading about the golden globe nominations and apparently "tropic thunder" got some "noms" and people were surprised yet delighted.
my mind immediately went to this random gem from a few months ago and rewatching it makes me want to sit people down in front of it and say "if this doesn't make you smile, i will pay you 20 dollars."



ah, the pips...
laugh, dangit!

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

dear friends, family, and friends of family,

i feel compelled to ask a favor of you. i don't particularly want to do it via blog because of the potential for tacky but i also don't want to call everyone up either because when i'm interrupted mid rant i'll probably say something like, "um, i believe i had the floor" and whoever i'm talking to will be like "what is this, a phone philibuster?" and i'll be like "i did not yield the floor for a question!" and then i'll get hung up on.
so, let's get started with a confession.

i hate christmas.

exhale saying that felt really good.
as a kid i'm sure i liked christmas because of the toys and the decorations and the lack of school, but there are some things from christmas past i think back to and cringe over. so in retrospect, i don't know that i was ever all that into the season.

as an adult- an adult with a job at a holiday dependent company (there used to be a very long rant here about work but i deleted it and you are welcome). and a budget. and family of old people who "don't want anything" for christmas because they're "going to die any minute now" probably while they're shoveling their sidewalk at six in the morning because they are CRAZY and won't wait for me to wake up even though i'm totally willing to do it i'm just not a morning person.
inhale
yes, as an adult- i hate christmas.

and really, when it comes down to it, there is nothing i want or need. or even want to need. nothing. except for that one seemingly unattainable thing i've wanted for ever so long. i want to not stress over christmas. i want to spend the two pre-christmas days i have after work finally cools off NOT running around like a crazy person.
which is why i'm trying something new this year.
i'm not buying any christmas presents this year. i don't want to. sorry, but i really dislike christmas shopping. plus i'm bad at it. i figured out how much i spend on christmas presents every year and this year i'm taking that money and giving half to primary children's hospital and half to best friends animal rescue and i'm calling it good. i wish i was doing it out of altruism and a wish for peace on earth. because that would be cool. but i'm not that person.
i know it.
you know it.
and i know you know it.

now- family. friends. and family of friends. -for the favor.
first of all, please don't buy me a present this year because it will make me feel like a jerk when i'm like, "wow thanks for the awesome gift you so thoughtfully and painstakingly bought for me... a donation has been made in your name to the children and animals... so... um... did is suddenly get awkward in here?"
and secondly, please cut me some slack. if i seem like a whiner or a procrastinator or a humbug, well, then my attempts at keeping things real have worked. i get that i'm being selfish about this and i should be able to rise above the stress of the season like everyone else to show my loved ones i'm thinking about them, but i'm hoping you won't really mind and you'll take the money you would have spent on me and buy yourself something great. then if you want, take a picture of it and send the picture to me with the message, "a donation has been made in your name to my awesomeness."

which you have to admit is a great idea for a christmas present.

thanks for understanding,
kat

p.s.

Monday, December 08, 2008

eba gurin

there are many, many, yes many times when i have the distinct feeling that throughout the course of the day my mind has been removed, translated into japanese, then translated back into english and placed back in my head.
like a vcr manual.
and things don't quite come out right.
this is why i have a very strict rule forbidding in depth conversations after 10pm because i'll inevitably say something that- in the short distance between my brain and my mouth- comes out all retranslated and then i spend the next fifteen minutes trying desperately to undo what i did which turns out to be impossible because everything starts coming out in vcr manual.

"hey, kat. how are you?"
"ok, i guess. work is a nightmare but there is a light at the end of the tunnel so i just need to power through for two more weeks. 仕事は悪夢だが、そこはトンネルの終わりに光のように私は権力の座にさらに2週間を通じて必要がありますthe work nightmare, but there's light at the end of the tunnel, i like to power through the need for two weeks."
"hu?"
"um... ok, i guess."
"oh. what did you do this weekend?"
"well, grandma and i went on our weekly grocery shopping trip which took almost four hours because grandma had cabin fever and was not in the mood to be rushed. when i got home i hung up all the clothes on my bedroom floor and thought about painting my living room but ended up laying on the couch and watching "casino royale" with subtitles because i can never understand what eva green is saying. 祖母と私は祖母とキャビンフィーバーしていたため、急いでする気分でないにあったが、ほぼ4時間かかった私たちの毎週の食料品の買い物旅行に行った。家に帰って私が私の寝室の床の上にあるすべての洋服掛けと塗装についての私の考えが、リビングルームのソファで敷設終了したと言っているので、何エバグリーン字幕を理解することはできない"カジノロワイヤル"を見ている. my grandmother and my grandmother and i had cabin fever, so do not feel like you were in a hurry, but it took nearly four hours weekly of us went to the grocery shopping trip. i came back home in my bedroom on the floor and painted all hanger that i think about the end of laying on the couch in the living room and say, so i can understand the subtitles EBAGURIN not "KAJINOROWAIYARU" looking at."
"ebagurin?"
"you heard me! 私の耳に!in my ear!"
"ya. i have to go."
"oh. okay. bye!"

this might be an exaggeration to prove my very valid point.

kajino rowaiyaru!

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

thankgiving 2008: adventures in censorship

in times of war, it's the custom to censor the letters from soldiers to their loved ones to assure sensitive information isn't revealed to the enemy. i don't know how long this has been in place but here's an example of a highly censored letter from 1917...

history!

now, i'm not saying i'm in a war zone.
but if i were to write the traditional, family thanksgiving dialogue, i would have to censor out a lot to avoid getting phone calls from said traditional family.
so i'm taking the safest road possible...
happy thanksgiving!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

BUNDT!

my sister got married yesterday morning. carolyn's new sister-in-law invited my parents and me over to her house last night for a family dinner. always being the forward thinker "that kat, she always thinks one step ahead". yep. that's what they say. i bought a video camera and brought it with me to the dinner because i wanted you guys to be able to witness two families meeting for the first time.
here you go.



beautious.

Friday, November 21, 2008

desk mess

i was going to write a poem about what my job is like this time of year but i couldn't think of anything that rhymes with "mmflkjdfhjaweoilikjdsaAAAAaaa"...

also, i don't write poems.

at about 8:30 last night i decided the best way to express to you what my job is like this time of year would be to take pictures of my desk while i spun around in my chair.








it was fun.
i'm awesome.


Wednesday, November 19, 2008

quirky

i was totally psyched when em tagged me to list 6 quirks.
"yes! finally! something to blog about!", thought i.

cuz i've got nuthin'.

but seriously people, for the last six years i've done nothing BUT regale you with my quirks. my quirks, oddities, nuances, subtleties, henceforth, ditto ditto, etc, etc... and bless you for going along with it all. "what's that? you like diet coke? haha! what ho! good times!"
above and beyond, really. you guys are fantastic.
well, but let's be honest, you're not perfect. you've got some quirks of your own and don't even think i haven't noticed which is why, in an ever so slight change in protocol, i'm going to list my working title six favorite other people quirks.

let the record show

#1 spliz is incapable of saying "nauseous". it's "nauseated". in fact, it's been so indoctrinated in me that i now say "nauseated" instead of "nauseous".
i don't know why nauseated is correct and nauseous isn't.
i don't even know that spliz knows why nauseated is correct and nauseous isn't but she has always said it with complete and utter confidence that i don't dare argue the point. but here's something to ponder, why are we always talking about nausea?

#2 someday, when you go out to eat with splincoln, look in his wallet. no, don't take the money, just look at it because i can guarantee it's perfectly organized.
like, perfectly. organized.
in ascending order. all facing the same way. all these little presidents in a row.
and it is slightly unnerving.

now look in my wallet.
yep, that's right. it's empty.

chagrined

#3 so, it's possible this actually points to the the horrible truth at the epicenter of our friendship which is our tendency to get caught in awkward and i mean awkward conversations chagrined but in such moments h has this tendency to consolingly pet her head as though her internal voice is saying, "ssh, sssh... it's okay. it will all be okay."
my internal voice is usually saying something very similar like "run!!"

#4 now em listed a self quirk about how she doesn't dance in public and i am going to contradict that because while she may not like dancing in public she does do it
and i have seen it
and i will now break it down. it involves making two rock concert devil fists, closing her eyes, and shaking.
try it. it's fun.

#5 this is a newly acquired quirk. my sister's fiance is from iran and is still in the process of learning english this is not the quirk so when speaking to him, it's best to speak slowly and simply and try really hard not to raise your voice 3 levels because for some reason that's what people always do when there's a language barrier. anyways, like all engaged couples they are around each other 37 hours a day 8 days a week and when they're not together they're on the phone or texting this is not the quirk and you can always tell when carolyn has just gotten off the phone with mohammad pause to react to his name because she forgets this is the quirk that you actually do speak english.
quite well i might add.

#6 living with my grandmother has been awesome thus far because she has easily the most endearing quirks of anyone i know. my favorite of late is her tendency to transfer her daily worries to my dog.
example A: "ziggy was worried because you were out so late."
example B: "the roofers make ziggy nervous."
example C: "ziggy didn't think dinner turned out very well."
ziggy is a very complex individual

so there you go. six quirks.
six lovely little quirks.

see? it's not always just about me people.

Monday, November 10, 2008

because i know you've missed him...

crazy cousin once removed: well... obama's the president.
me: yep.
aunt: did you vote?
me: ya. i baROCKed my vote.
ccor: i voted for mccain because he was in 'nam.
me: right on.
ccor: not that it even matters who's president.
me: why?
ccor: because all the real decisions are made by an elite, secret society.
me: gasp! ...the pentavirate?
ccor: i don't know what they're named but i know they're calling all the shots.
me: right on.
ccor: not that it even matters what secret society is ruling the world.
me: why?
ccor: because the world's going to end in the year 2012.
me: bummer.
ccor: december 21*, 2012 to be exact. so, you know, what does any of it matter?
me: ... right on.

the end.

*actual date of the apocolypse has been changed so as not to ruin the surprise for you all.

Friday, October 31, 2008

uhaul, math and photoshop

the good news is that i'm officially moved into my grandmother's basement apartment. the bad news is that three women in one house means no closet space.
it's basic math really...


but the good news is that i'll eventually have the closet to myself.
the bad news is i'll have a closet to myself because carolyn will be moving out.
but the good news is that carolyn will be moving out because she's getting married in january. at least she says she's getting married in january. i can totally see her eloping at some point in the next few months. actually, i haven't seen her in a while...

note. this whole good news/bad news way of telling things has gotten stale. i was listening to the "fiddler on the roof" soundtrack today and was kind of trying to copy the "on the one hand..." thing that tevye does, but i'm not really pulling it off. end of note.

in my short, young life, i've moved about 23 billion times. moving is good for the soul. it makes you reevaluate your priorities. more specifically it forces you to go through your stuff and decide if the sentimental value of an item is enough to warrant its packing, lifting and relocation. weight also factors into it.
it's basic math really...


this move marked an important milestone in my life because this was the first time i've rented a uhaul and a dolly and moved everything in one- i said ONE!- load.
and it rocked my world.
the whole uhaul thing was so momentous i took a picture of myself driving it.

yes, ziggy's on my lap. don't judge me. or, you know, judge me but not too harshly.
it's kind of an odd picture and i'm not sure why. it might be the uhaul euphoria (uhaulephoria) i was experiencing. or it might be the weird camera angle and the fact that i'd been up since 5:30.
you decide.
in any case i tried to fix it in photoshop but just made it freakier.

yikes. where did my nose go?

still, could be freakier...

... i know. now that you've seen this, i'll probably come crawling out of your computer moniter in 7 days to kill you.

wait a sec... okay, check it...

i'm a frank miller movie.

all right, i'm done.

Monday, October 27, 2008

i...
...'ve upgraded to the 44 ounce, super big gulp size of diet coke because the big gulp isn't doing it for me anymore.

... have big plans to write a detailed, life changing blog about how i spent the weekend moving into my grandmother's basement apartment and it will probably include 5 thousand pictures of ziggy my official moving helper because i know how much you guys love it when i take pictures of my dog. just imagine what my blog will become once i have kids.

... 'm reconciled to the idea that 20% of what i say is original, 10% is me quoting myself and then laughing hysterically and 70% is me quoting or requoting a movie or tv show. and then laughing hysterically. okay. so i quote "30 rock" about 5 times a day. not different quotes, the very same quote. 5 times a day. to myself. because there was this one moment in some episode months and months ago where tina fey runs to the airport to apologize to an exboyfriend before he boards his plane and leaves forever but in order to get to him in time she needs to leave her sandwich and more than 3 ounces of dipping sauce at the security check point. what does she do? she stands at the metal detector and scarfs down the sandwich saying, "i can have it all!" and then she runs and finds the boyfriend and yada yada the end. i would link to the scene but youtube is officially useless. here's the entire episode if you've got 20 minutes and you're extremely dedicated to knowing why i'm laughing to myself. about 5 times a day (more on the weekends) i'm faced with a bundle of inane and- in the long run- useless things i want to get done but that conflict with the big and important things i need to get done. the average, normal, rational person would say, "dude, just leave the sandwich behind" but i can't. i can have it all!

... want you to know that i have two hundred thousand things to get done today at work but i wanted to write a blog today.

... can have it all!!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

dear the state of utah,

what kind of sick game are you playing??

???

yours,
kat

Thursday, October 09, 2008

changing seasons

enter autumn




exit ziggy




see you next spring little buddy.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

peanut butter oatmeal

approximately 4.625 years ago a day in my life involved packaging candy, then going to school, then doing idiotic art projects for school, then designing stuff for work after school.
for very little money.
and i was eating peanut butter oatmeal twice a day and hanging on by a very tiny thread.
whatever. you know the story. you were there.

it was during this time that my zion's bank boyfriend thought i was two different people. see sometimes i'd be up in the front office at work so i'd be, you know... ahem... showered and when i saw him on these days, my bank boyfriend would be all, "what's up? how you doin'? where do you work? what do you do? are you dating anyone? right on!" and then i'd go home and eat some oatmeal and dream of pricey fresh produce. and hamburgers.
but then, one day i went to the bank after spending the day in back packaging candy and while my bank boyfriend was still courteous, he was extremely professional dare i say distant.
until he saw the company name on my paycheck.
that's when he brightened up and said, "hey! i have a friend who works there! she designs stuff for them. do you know her?"
.
.
.
"... ya... she's awesome."
that is the day i switched banks.

i've got the same thing going on now with my chevron boyfriend and i will tell you why.
on weekends when i'm keeping it real and wearing ironic t-shirts, chevron boyfriend asks me out and gives me essentially worthless stuff for free. but then on weekdays when i'm, you know... ahem... showered he asks me if he can set me up with his friend who really needs to find a nice girl. and i can't help but think about what kind of flinstone style double date i could have with chevron and his friend.

there is most definitely a moral of this story.
i do not know what it is.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

stick with what you know

the best thing about working where i do is all the free advice i get from seasoned graphic designers. wait, did i say "graphic designers"? i meant seasoned "pains in my neck".
hehe...
he.
just kidding.
i meant seasoned "people who put candy in 10 ounce bags".

i get a lot of "that's ugly." and "why are you putting those colors together? that's ugly." and "why does this santa look like it's on crack? he's ugly."
and a lot of "i don't like that"s.
not exactly constructive, but that's fine. go ahead and speak your piece.
and then please go away.
i would like to respond to one semi-valid piece of advice, "why do all your icons look so tired and sad? you should make them smile."
my response is no, no i should not force my icons to smile because when i cave in and try and cater to the "smiley" demographic, i end up with this...
smiley.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

free candy

good news, people.
the company website is finally up. finally.
finally.
and i think it deserves one more. finally.

in celebration, we're doing a giveaway on kar achoc olates.blo gspot.com some time today and i'm risking my private blog anonymity because the give away is this...

and since our website is new and our blog is new and has maybe ten hits a day, there's a really good chance you could win this.
um... that's all.

p.s. you don't have to live in utah.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

field time

once, not long ago, this one batman movie came out.
uuhhhm, the end.

good story, right?


these little high school girls were swooning over a certain christian bale the other day and i felt very strongly that no, no they do not love christian bale. they cannot love christian bale because they don't know him like i and the women (yikes) of my generation (yikes x 2) know him. they did not sing along wholeheartedly to "santa fe" on their walkman. they didn't, as an 11 year old, watch "empire of the sun" also known as two and a half hours of world war 2 prison camps and john malkovich. and they didn't spend the last hour of "little women" screaming "idiot!" every time winona rider appeared on screen. they haven't logged the field time (gibberish?).
go talk to your zac efron poster, girlies. him you can have.

i now know how my mother felt when i watched "the sting" and thought i was in love with robert redford.

i now know how my grandmother felt when i watched "philadelphia story" and thought i was in love with cary grant. and then with jimmy stewart. and then cary grant.

i do not now know how my father felt when i watched "james bond" and told him sean connery was hot.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

deluge

just keepin' it really real here at ye olde candy factory.

a few weeks ago my best friend go married, and it was lovely. i've tried to blog about it maybe 7 times and each time it has quickly degenerated into a full on deluge of sap. and we can't have that because while i accept that those sticky sweet layers are there (from my head to my feet) i prefer not to put them down in writing. i will tell you that i was preoccupied the whole weekend with what i had to do next. those layers are also very much there. i was way more preoccupied than "in the moment" which isn't to say i didn't have a good time, or even that i was stressed. i wasn't. i was preoccupied. it wasn't until i was actually on the plane, in the air, headed home, waiting for my free half of a beverage that i took a deep breath and let the hugeness of the weekend hit me. that is when i looked down at my bridesmaid's bouquet and thought, "she looked so beautiful"... and burst into tears.
deluge.
of sap. with just a hint of crazy.
the flight attendant walked by, saw my bouquet and my tears and said, "oh my gosh! did you just get married??"
i looked at the two empty seats next to me, then up at him, "you think i just got married?"
"you didn't?"
"there's no groom with me."
"well, you never know."
and he gave me my half of a diet coke and an extra napkin because i'd started crying again. this time because i'd been jilted at my own nonexistent wedding.

but that's not the story i wanted to tell you.
no.
i want to tell you a little story about how i never have a normal airport shuttle experience. it's always overly complicated and the drivers are borderline crazy and sometimes i'm forced to make small talk about a baseball team i've never heard of and sometimes i get yelled at because i'm a polygamist wife a.k.a. mormon and sometimes the driver keeps referring to himself as "double 0 seven"...

this is one of those stories.

on my way to the airport to go home, it wasn't just me and mick ("like mick jager") the shuttle driver from yugoslavia. there was also a little man with a mustache.
man with mustache: hello.
me: hiya.
m w/ m: are you travelling?
me: ...[quick check to make sure i am in fact in an airport shuttle] yes. ... are you travelling?
m w/ m: why yes, yes i am. i am on my way to the airport to fly back to oregon.
me: right on. what did you do while you were out here?
m w/ m: i attended a convention on the bahai faith.
me: what is the bahai faith?
m w/ m: [i'm not going to go there, because it was weird. if you, like myself, have never heard of the bahai faith, i suggest you go here where it's much more clear.]
me: sounds awesome.
m w/ m who goes to bahai conventions: where are you travelling to?
me: i'm on my way home. to salt lake city.
bahai: what time is your flight?
me: 7:30.
bahai: my flight takes off at 7:01 and the shuttle picked me up at 4:30 and then it picked you up at 5:00 and i have not had the chance to eat and my friend mick here has so kindly agreed to let me stop and get something to eat if it is all right with you.
me: ... i guess that's okay.

so mick drove us to a jack-in-the-box where he and bahai went in and ate. they offered to buy me something, but i'd just eaten and frankly i was terrified so for the next 20 minutes i sat alone in the shuttle trying to read my book while a few 14 year old boys in the parking lot mooned me. bahai did, at one point, run out to the shuttle to give me the small beverage he'd bought for me. as he closed the shuttle door and ran back inside to finish his hamburger with mick, the song "eye of the tiger" started playing on the radio.

and that's when i realized that bahai was right, there is a god.
up in heaven.
laughing at me
.

Monday, September 08, 2008

diary of woman with migraine

efchlfhvnioer;oinds
dsaif
sdn
nausea
sdjklf
k;lkdfs
rejnehjaiaiaiaiain jmn


fin.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

professionalish

about a month ago i was talking to my future husband who was visiting from boise (and i was also plugging my ears and rocking back and forth whenever the waiters at olive garden would sing their plucky birthday song to some poor, unsuspecting customer who just wanted some free cake already! cute-cutesy birthday songs are really high up on my soul-shuddery pet peeves list.) about how much he misses me and how pretty i am and how living in montana for 3 years was a huge mistake due to montana being the lamest state ever invented.

yes, that is how the conversation went.

there was more to the conversation of course, like how i am mystified as to how people who are no longer in school meet, you know, other people.
i've actually brought up this topic of conversation a lot with people in the last month because i have this feeling there's an obvious answer and i'm just not that smart. during this particular conversation, splincoln brought up his recent joining of the young professionals group in his area and it actually made me think, "hu. that is BRILLIANT." i'm young. i'm, you know, professional. ish. i should check this sucker out.

but after a brief browsing of the activities on salt lake's version, i realized something.
i'm not active.
so here's what i'm thinking. i just have to start a young inactive professionals type group and i'm golden. we could do stuff like get together once a week and watch "30 rock". or sit quietly and finally finish the book we started a month ago.
or go to farmer's market like we've been meaning to do all summer.
or finally go see the new batman movie. and iron man. and the hulk. and even the sisterhood of the travelling pants. 2.
or do laundry.
or go shopping for a new pair of jeans that doesn't have to be kept up with a safety pin and the belt i stole from em 4 years ago.
or unpack from my weekend in san diego.
or go grocery shopping because i ran out of paper towels and it's becoming a problem.

this may have turned into my to-do list.
which i guess, if i could find it, would be the perfect group for me to join.


i've got so much stuff to do.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

fast times

the teeny boppers have started school again which, let's face it, is thrilling.
nine years ago i made it out of high school unscathed with less than a handful of names on my vengeance list, and as a result i don't think about high school much. until i talk with the teensy tiny teeny boppers. today i've made a point of asking them how their day was as they walk in to work and this is what i've gotten so far...

"how was your day?"

"fine. i just basically fell in love today, that's all."

"i pretty much hate all my classes."

"this kid named rocky passed the spirit stick on to me."

"i wore my 'many dates' shirt today."

"this guy came up and talked to me today and he was pretty cool and we were both wearing green and then my friends told me later not to like him because he's a jerk and they told me some stories about him but, like, you can't just stop being in love with someone in one day."


i'm telling you.
thrilling.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

a pictoral day in the life

i wish i had more cause to use the word "pastoral" in my everyday life.
i don't know why.

i really like my life.
i'm saying that outright because i don't think it comes across in my (lack of) blogs. ever. the blogging voice is an ever surly voice. if my blog had an actual voice, i imagine it would sound quite a bit like john stossel but hopefully without any implications of a mustache.

i wish i had more cause to use the phrase "mustached lothario".
i don't know why.

look...

that's what my bedroom floor looks like.
nightmare.
inability to hang up clothes is my worst "housekeeping" trait. this is a very dull topic, i accept that, but i feel very very passionately about how much i hate hanging up clothes.

look...
that is a picture of my dog. he sleeps a solid 23 hours every day.
i have been sleeping a solid 9.5 hours every night. i have two alarms in my room and they are useless against me.
my theory is that i have a thyroid disorder of some sort, but nobody at work believes me. they say if i stopped drinking diet coke i wouldn't be so tired. their theory goes against everything caffeine stands for but when i point that out my coworkers roll their eyes and walk away.
anyways, sometimes when i'm bored i like to wake up ziggy for my own amusement...
he loves it.
he also loves that my sheets have flowers on them. he thinks it's cool and he doesn't care what anyone else thinks.


i'm at work right now.
this is what i look at all day...
this is what my computer looks at all day...
this is what i think about all day...
(the rest of the annie leibovitz disneyland pictures are here)

this is what i spend a lot of time trying not to think about...
See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

this is what my computer thinks about...

um... that's really all i've got so far.

Monday, July 28, 2008

julymas

dear friends both real and imaginary,

how are you?
good? good.

so... blogging.
all right, i'm going to make a statement about blogging that i'm assuming rings true for everyone. or at least i hope rings true. which is why i shall boldly speak in second person.
after a year, or maybe even a few months, of consistent blogging, your reactions to life's little situations change. everything becomes fodder for a good blog anecdote. you're quicker to laugh at yourself and roll your eyes because it's easier to see things from the omniscient story teller's point of view.
and that's great.
but then, down the line, you change even more. during conversations you start picking out the blog worthy lines. you go on dates looking for things to mock later. you contemplate taking a tape recorder with you to family thanksgiving dinners.
and then. down the line, you're cooking dinner and you puncture your finger and blood splatters EVERYWHERE and you howl and elevate your arm and think "i should take a picture of the blood splattered kitchen to put on my blog!"
and that is what they in the AA program call hitting rock bottom.

julymas 2008.
i have never made an entire julymas dinner myself and i'm proud to say that as of yesterday i still have not made an entire julymas dinner myself.
because that would be hard.
as happens with any of my worthwhile endeavors, i instigated the cooking, forced people to refer to the julymas turkey as "henry" and then was quickly shoved out of the way by people who know how to cook and are not inept and don't perforate their fingers with cans of cream of mushroom soup splattering blood EVERYWHERE in the process.
ahem, hypothetically.

and that's really all i have to say.


later,
kat

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

wave to the elephants!

for some ungodly reason, there was a tour of the chocolate factory today. it has never happened before and in fact should never happen because tours of an actual chocolate factory are disenchanting. not an oompa loompah to be seen. no experimental products which go against the very laws of nature.
and for goodness sake, why am i part of the tour?

"if you look to your left you'll see katasaurus rex. her diet consists of diet coke and sarcasm..."
he... just kidding.
it was more like, "this is our graphic designer kat. hey kat! what are you doing?"
i looked up from my computer, momentarily stopped slurping my diet coke and said, "playing scramble."

that's right folks, move it along.
looks like it's about time for her feeding.

Friday, July 18, 2008

welcome to the future. aint it grand.

at exactly 14:52 i clicked "upload", stood up in my office and announced that i was finished with 2008.

and so i am.

so long suckers, cuz i'm done. i'm onto 2009 now!
can't wait until you all catch up with me. although by the time you get to 2009, i'll be way ahead of you. i'll be so comfortable in 2010 that i will probably be calling it "twenty-ten" and since i'm so ahead of the game, it won't even be annoying!

deal with it.

and merry christmas.

Monday, July 14, 2008

good news!

i didn't have to cancel my dead grandfather's milk delivery after all.
the price increase was rescinded.


i hate when i write a three sentence blog because i think it sounds funny and then right before i hit publish i realize there are serious clarifications to be made about how my grandfather died in 1976 and, come on, how callous a person do you think i am that i would announce a recent death in that way- wait, don't answer that. so then my whole dream of writing a short, light "blogette" goes down the drain because i'm not only in ramble mode, but in defensive mode because apparently everyone thinks i'm a jerk.

Monday, July 07, 2008

absentee

it's a well documented fact that i have scores of imaginary friends. not like, hallucinations or anything, just lots of people whom i encounter and then build an imagined relationship with.
i'm a socially awkward extrovert.
it's how i cope.

last night, i became friends with kevin the incense king. i know of his royal lineage because it's written on the side of his car.
next to his bumper sticker that says, "real men love jesus".
anyways, kevin the incense king lives in my apartment complex with his 3 sons who are always running around outside torturing each other. the other day i came out of my apartment and one of the sons sat dejectedly on the stairs. ziggy took the initiative and trotted over to lick him. "you must taste good", i said in a very non-creepy way (i swear). the incense prince looked up at me and said, "i just ate some cookies."
"oh, that explains it."
then a second prince came over and said, "i ate bacon this morning!"
"hu. be careful then because ziggy might try and eat you."
okay, ya, i admit it. that was creepy. (socially awkward extrovert.)

so last night, the incense king decided we were friends and gave me and ziggy a bag of incense. i will never know for certain, but i assume it smells quite good.

and now i'm friends with a king.
which i bet gives me diplomatic immunity somehow.


new topic.
i have the "compare people" application on facebook. two pictures of friends pop up with a question like, "who is more likely to bring about world peace?" and it's fun and great and remeniscent of every note i passed in junior high.
but.
every week i get emailed updates of my "strengths and weaknesses" from this very scientific process. and, you know what? fine. nobody i know thinks i'm "tough" or "studious". fine. whatever.
fine.
but how is "most absentee" a strength?
and what does that even mean?
that i'm not sitting in my friends houses when they come home at night? that i'm not secretly living in their closets? that i'm not popping around corners going "here i am!"?
or maybe that i'm absent from class? i graduated! i don't have to go to class anymore!
okay. most likely it means i don't show up to things, right? but i don't get invited to anything so how can people point out that i'm not somewhere where i wasn't asked to be in the first place?

let's move on.
this has nothing to do with anything.
but i felt spliz's photography prowress needed some publicity.
thanks for taking all the website product photos!
you truly have a gift...

Thursday, June 26, 2008

jury duty

i don't know how it happened, but somehow i am a registered voter.
i know this because i got a nice little note in the mail telling me i've got jury duty.
federal jury duty.
for four months.
and i want to be all patriotic and excited, but instead i'm filled with dread because i would seriously be like the worst jury member of all time ever.
because i'm squeamish.
and i tend not to pay attention to anything that starts crossing over into jargon mode.
and "12 angry men" is one of my favorite movies.

stupid "rock the vote" commercials.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

bits

my chevron boyfriend is officially a u.s. citizen today. after ten years.
i asked him what he was going to do to celebrate.
he said, "party."
ah, the american way.

thanks matt, moydie, and brandon for keeping me updated on charlie the unicorn. it made me laugh.

however, after seeing this, you'll have to excuse me while i bang my head repeatedly against a wall.
no offense to you who are obsessed with the books.
it's just not my thing.
people seem to think it's my thing.
because i like "buffy".
but the buffy thing is not same thing as this thing which i repeat is just not my ... thing.

oh! in postscript. i occasionally forget to take my cell phone with me sometimes so to those who called me last friday, sorry i missed you.
i have never felt so popular as i did when i got home on friday night.

Friday, June 13, 2008

many things to many people

on not coming to work on saturday...
"salt lake needs me out there... even more than it needs me in here tormenting lyle."

on doing laundry...
"how was the laundromat?"
"cold."
"that's to keep the clothes fresh."

mostly i just wanted to post something on friday the 13th.

please tell me your best quote of the day.

ahem... top that!
if you would be so kind.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

spaz

i am a spaz.
and the more taciturn a person is, the more garrulous i become.
to fill the silence.
as someone who errs on the side of spazziness, i sometimes wonder how the other side thinks. that look of fear and awe as i prattle on... i assume the thought behind it is, "wow. does she ever stop talking?" and the answer is no, no i don't. not until i'm interrupted or out of breath.
but, you know, maybe the thought behind the look is "if she stops talking i'm going to have to speak. social awkwardness! gaah!" or "i don't feel so good... wait, i had a tomato earlier! i probably have salmonella! gaah!"
there could be a multitude of reasons for the look of terror and abhorrence that have nothing to do with my conversational skills.

ya, i know.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

addiction

dear scramble posse,

let's face it, i put more mental energy into a game of scramble than i do in an entire day of work.
but i'm dealing with a slight deluge at work which is using up too much mental focus.
and also too much time.
i promis i will be back shortly.
and when i am, believe me, you will all bow down before my scramble genius.

especially you em.

kisses,
kat

Monday, May 19, 2008

busy

i go back and forth on the whole "being busy" spectrum.
more importantly i go back and forth on whether i like being busy.
i like being active. i like being busy with a project that has an end point. confidentially, i like being busy when it makes me feel important. seriously. that's how i roll.
i don't like being busy for busyness' sake. i don't like being busy with a project that i know will never come to fruition. i don't like being busy because i spent too much time commuting.
and i don't like being busy on really hot, sunshiny days like today when i'm pretty sure my calling in life involves sitting in a big inflatable chair in the middle of a swimming pool.
days like to day make me think i should stop and i should smell the flowers.


... he's smelling flowers.
i swear.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

raised by the t.v.

let's get down to business.

here are the best television theme songs of all time.
i am of course lying.
sorry to get your hopes up.
actually these are simply the theme songs i could serenade you with if you were with me right now...

"perfect strangers"


"silver spoons"


"fresh prince of bel-air"



"the monkees"


"friends"


"charles in charge"


"mad about you"


"cheers"



not to mention the songs i could hum...
"the a-team", "doogie howzer", "arrested development"...

be thankful we're miles and miles apart.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

brainburnt

i'm not good at my job today.
but i like totally have a good excuse...
...
my job is hard.

okay, ya, you're right, it's not.
but it's harder than it looks.
yes, i know it looks super easy but i'm saying it's a slightly harder brand of easy than it looks.
geez. get off my back.

the essence of my job sans payroll, catalogues, kosher research, high school history projects, is this...


behold! the candy label.
an 8 inch by 2 inch rectangle waiting to be filled with ingredients and nutrition and enough cute cutesyness to make people want to spend their money on candy instead of overpriced gasoline.
i've made roughly 20 bajillion candy labels through the years and i am brainfrozen and heartburnt.

read on.
it took me approximately 32 years to make a bunch of monster lab themed halloween labels.
they mostly centered around a mad scientist who i believe spends the majority of his day walking up to things and saying, "what you talkin' 'bout, willis?"


and as much as i welcome rejection and criticism lie from those around me, and as easy going as i fancy myself not a lie. i really am convinced i "go with the flow", and as much as i don't mind a line of candy labels which i have spent infinity + 1 hours working on being unceremoniously cut sarcasm...
i'm just saying that eventually the day will be mine and these labels will be used.
somehow.
someday.
somewhere.

Monday, April 28, 2008

musical

the movie version of "mama mia" is coming out this summer and there is reason colin firth upon reason pierce brosnan why i'm looking forward to it. i wish i were in greece. not to be confused with "grease"- a different musical for a different time.
this is a musical i know very little about. i've never seen it, never listened to the soundtrack, i don't even know the plot. in fact, the only thing i've ever known about it is it's
pure
abba.
translation: i am so on board.

during the commute this morning, the song "where is my mind" by the pixies came on and i thought to myself, "i would totally put this into a broadway musical." and then the drifting off part of my brain took over and the result is this... when i finally produce my big broadway hit "itunes: 99 cents + tax" it will include the following hit numbers:

"where is my mind?" the pixies
"last goodbye" jeff buckley
"the way you make me feel" michael jackson
"jonathon fisk" spoon
"sirènes de la fête" brazilian girls
"fuel" metallica
"history repeating" shirley bassey/propellerheads
"hitchin' a ride" greenday
and some sort of earth, wind and fire finale.

the drifting off part of my brain is kind of messed up.
i don't even know that any of these songs are my favorites, but the thought of turning them into book numbers with jazz hands and sequins and a possible act 2 reprise... well, it fills me with glee.
sick, sad glee.

i don't know what the plot would be because i had to get off the freeway and the road rage part of my brain took over.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

fanmail

hey, it's me! coming to you live from... my desk. glad to not be on a plane and (if i'm being truthful) glad to not be in tennessee anymore. note: when a polygamist sect with a very similar name to your religion gets a lot of media attention, don't vacation in the bible belt.
as with any experience ever there were both good and deplorable moments, but i like to think i gave it a grand ole cowboy try. i even wore cowboy boots.
see? here they are.

coincidentally i'm also demonstrating ballet's first position. it's very hard to do while lying (laying?) in bed.

i've been so busy the last couple of days trying to get caught up on all the shows on abc.com... and nbc.com... and cbs.com... and fox.com... and with my scramble games on facebook that i haven't even had a chance to respond to my daily fanmail.
i wish i there was more time in a day. and i wish even more i had a gorgeous personal assistant to respond to each email on my behalf...
...
..
.
but i have neither.

i thought it might be kind of a fun change of pace to respond to my fanmail via blog today.
kind of a two birds with one stone/seven giants with one blow type of a thing.


from: dgw
I know that you emailed me over a month ago and this is the first time you have heard from me, but I have been a little busy with work and school... Do you know what anyone else is doing? How is E? How is L? How is K, K and A? I don't here form anyone much, well, I haven't heard from anyone in a long time.
dear dgw,
you sound so busy, what with the work and the school. i'm flattered you took the time in your busy schooling working schedule to write to me, although i'm not surprised. you would be amazed how many people find the time to write to me every month. it would blow your mind. i'm very popular.
i'm not exactly sure what e, l, k, k, and a are doing but i expect i'll here form them within the month.
keep plugging away you multi tasker you,
kat

from:pgossage
We aren’t throwing anymore parties for Marie. For the time being at least. I hope everyone had fun though. We’ve just realized that we’re missing a Silver 80 GB Ipod and we’re wondering if anyone accidentally walked off with it. I believe it was playing in the kitchen for a bit. If anyone can remember seeing it or accidentally walked off with it could you please let S or I know. Any information would be greatly appreciated.
dearest pgossage,
thank you for the amazingly tactful implication that i stole your ipod "accidentally". you're right to be suspicious because i tend to turn into a freak at parties. at one party i "accidentally" punched a girl in the face, and another time i hit on a random gay man on behalf of another gay man which turned out to be extremely confusing for all parties involved, and on many occasions i've karaoked "bohemian rhapsody" in my continuing effort to prove that the louder you sing it, the better it sounds.
really, all i'm saying is i understand how kleptomania doesn't seem like too much of a stretch.
unfortunately i have no leads for you on the whereabouts of your 80 gig ipod.
because i wasn't invited to your party.
but give maria my best.
kat

from: anonymous
I read your blog spot. I think I was very much involved in one. Was it about me?
dear anon,
there was a time when i used to write about everyone i knew. i've learned through trial and error and more error and extremely embarassing error to highly filter who and what i write about. i try not to whine about my bosses anymore because i could get fired. i've been asked by family members to not make them look crazy so i've had to stop writing about them. i don't believe in writing about religion or politics or the environment or dating or hiking or dieting or cramps or money or goal setting or people, places, or things.
i try and keep my topics to the mocking of the two living creatures who won't somehow find a way to be offended... myself and my dog.

but yes, it was probably about you.
kisses,
kat

from:dianepslc
12 days from today, all cell phone numbers are being released to
telemarketing companies and you will start to receive sales calls. You will
be charged for these calls. To prevent this, call the following number from
your cell phone--1 888 382-1222. It is the National DO NOT CALL list. It
will only take a few minutes of your time. It blocks your number for 5
years. You must call from the cell phone number you want to have blocked.
You cannot call from a different phone number.

dear mom, er, dianepslc,
... right on.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

punctuation and tennessee

whatup.
no, that is not a question.
or is it.

i am not in the mood to use correct punctuation. or any punctuation besides the period.
and that comma up there.
frankly i am drunk with power.
i could be brimming with enthusiasm and dramatic pauses and you will never know because all you are faced with is the calm poker face of the period.

i wish i had that power in person. i would love to be able to contain my nervousness and excitability behind a calm veneer.
and vice versa. i would love to be able to infuse enthusiasm into a less than enthusiastic situation. but no such luck because i cannot hide my mood.
i have four emotions...
amused
confused
annoyed and
sleepy
and it is too much effort to convince family or friends or strangers at the bus depot that the emotion on my face has just drifted and come to a halt upon my face because if it hadn't my face would have fallen asleep from boredom.
so yes woman sitting next to me on an airplane my face looks annoyed because i am truly annoyed that your baby just vomited on me.
deal with it.
it is really hard for me to not use commas.
or apostraphes.
or parenthesese.
and i totally cheated up there with the ellipsis. i realize that.
and i am cheating now because i'm using periods as commas and i'm using a smaller font
see i cannot take the emotive out of anything.

unrelated:
i'm going to nashville tomorrow morning.
i'm totally excited about it because it's the antithesis of everything i look for in a getaway.
but in a good way.
and, ya, i'm being purposefully vague because i don't really want to tell you what i'll be doing for 3 days.
because you would mock me.

later!

,,,,,,,,,,,
,,,
,
,,
,
(comma binge)

Monday, April 07, 2008

dizzy

i leave for boston tomorrow. on a jet plane.
don't know when i'll... whatever, i'll be back thursday night.

it's a work trip which means the last couple weeks of preparation have been dizzying, and i've no complaint about the dizzy but i've been noticing it leaking into my personal life* which i will not tolerate.
firstly, my hair today is staying up in a bun without aid or apparatus. just my hair. defying gravity.
furthermore, i have a tiny scratch on my finger which might be slightly infected and i have yet to go around the factory telling everyone i have hepatitis.
or syphilis.
and to conclude, a drifter followed me around shopko saturday and when he asked me for a light, i dutifully checked my pockets. you know, because maybe i had an emergency lighter on me and just hadn't realized it. you never know when you might have to light a candle or burn through some ropes or prevent a drifter from killing you because nobody in f-ing utah has a f-ing light for some f-ing weed!

my dad and i had a bubble blowing contest with the bubble tape six feet of bubblegum for you... not them i bought while avoiding the drifter.
i'm pretty sure there were no winners.

*term applied loosely.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

alfred

i have had the good fortune to meet a man named alfred.
i use the term "meet" loosely.
as i've never actually spoken to him.

alfred might just be the most fascinating person i've ever encountered.
second only to "the black prince".
i think alfred is german. or austrian. or canadian.
i don't know.
but i do know that he's 137 years old. and i'm pretty sure he works down at the docks.
alfred has no time for nonsense and i like to believe that when i finally get up the nerve to talk to him, he'll use the word "lollygagging".

also, he carries a plastic grocery bag around with him wherever he goes.

********
VERY IMPORTANT UPDATE HENCEFORTH TO BE REFERRED TO AS V.I.U. IN THE INTEREST OF SIMPLIFICATION ALTHOUGH I MAY NEVER HAVE CAUSE TO USE THE ABBREVIATION AGAIN AND THIS OVERLY COMPLICATED EXPLANATION IS WORKING AGAINST MY SIMPLIFICATION GOAL. PLUS SINCE I'M TYPING IN ALL CAPS I FEEL LIKE I'M YELLING AT YOU ACROSS THE WORLD WIDE this just reminded me of an incident a couple of weeks ago where i was teaching my dad how to use mapquest because somehow he'd never heard of it. i can only assume he spent the last 5 years in a closet plugging his ears and rocking back and forth. or, more likely, he's spent the last 5 years, you know, being dad. anyways, it was good for my ego to explain mapquest because it's not often i know something about the internet, but when my dad started typing "www..." i was overcome with irritation. i don't know why. i really don't. i started off about how "nobody types the www part of an address anymore. nobody. it's a waste of time. what are you doing? why are you wasting time?? why do you want to be a giant time waster? why? WHY??" and now i'm yelling again. INTERNET EXPANSE:

hu.
um.
v.i.u.:
i know this is completely unethical, but i felt like i didn't successfully get my description of alfred across. so this morning i video taped him playing chess at the park.
please don't call the police.

survey

1. Name one person who made you laugh last night? carolyn
2. What were you doing at 0800? hitting the snooze button
3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? driving
4. What happened to you in 2006? i don't remember
5. What was the last thing you said out loud? "the essi's can't be trusted with such an important task."
6. How many beverages did you have today? so far, just water.
7. What color is your hairbrush? black
8. What was the last thing you paid for? diet coke
9. Where were you last night? work, gateway, grandma's house.
10. What color is your front door? white. i think.
11. Where do you keep your change? where don't i keep my change.
12. What’s the weather like today? cloudy
13. What’s the best ice-cream flavor? chocolate.
14. What excites you? summer. people.
15. Do you want to cut your hair? no.
16. Are you over the age of 25? yes
17. Do you talk a lot? non stop.
18. Do you watch the O.C.? no
19. Do you know anyone named Steven? a few.
20. Do you make up your own words? ya. mostly changing nouns into verbs or adjectives.
21. Are you a jealous person? ya
22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘A’. ann-marie
23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘K’. kate
24. Who’s the first person on your received call list? carolyn, i think.
25. What does the last text message you received say? i don't text
26. Do you chew on your straw? no
27. Do you have curly hair? my hair is neither curly nor straight, it is it's own texture defying definition.
28. Where’s the next place you’re going to? 7/11
29. Who’s the rudest person in your life? i really don't stick around rude people.
30. What was the last thing you ate? scrambled egg whites with cheese.
31. Will you get married in the future? you tell me.
32. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks? i abstain.
33. Is there anyone you like right now? no
34. When was the last time you did the dishes? this morning
35.Are you currently depressed? no
36. Did you cry today? no
37. Why did you answer and post this? bored.

Monday, March 24, 2008

dare devil

my dog is afraid of his water dish.
it's pathetic.
i thought he'd work through this issue and in the process become a stronger, more self aware dog. i even bought him a shirt to boost morale.


if you look close enough, you can see that he's screaming on the inside.
alas. months have gone by and the dare devil refuses to face his fear no matter how much i roll my eyes at him.
then, the other day i saw a spider and shrieked and ran out of the room.
which was sort of an epiphany.
a sad, strange epiphany.
we all have our phobias and no amount of opposable thumbs is going to change that.
so i bought dare devil a new, small and in no way intimidating water dish. and i have never seen him so hydrated and sure of himself. he tony danza*'s that new water bowl!

and i'm all for having a happy, healthy, hydrated dog... but seriously. i don't do 5am walks.


*shows it "whose the boss"**.
** i really thought i could pull that off.

Friday, March 07, 2008

say it aint so

this morning, while i was driving to work the radio played a smashing pumpkin song, then a weezer song, then an r.e.m. song and then a nirvana song.
i went to abc.com to watch the latest episode of "lost" and noticed there were episodes of "my so called life" up and ready to view.
"clueless" is a brilliant, brilliant movie. i know because my sister and i rented it. it was in the "new release" section of blockbuster.

so i'm just wondering which morning it was exactly that i woke up in 1995. not that i have a problem with it. i just feel like maybe the PTBs could've asked or even just warned me before they sent me swirling back in time. i mean, am i supposed to right some life altering wrong from freshman year of high school? or am i supposed to lay low and try to avoid altering the space time continuum? are there snapples in this reality? will a butterfly flapping its wings in tibet cause a hurricane in ontario? i don't even know what night a famous bolt of lightening hit the clock tower! gaah!

.
.
.
man... reality bites.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

sticks

... well... at least it wasn't "stretch".
that's how you know you're playing
and not
kat's crazy knife wielding cousin's nickname generator.

Monday, February 25, 2008

12 times. i use the word "expect" 12 times.

me: "geez dad! why did your stupid ancestors decide to move to lame, unhappy america anyways?"
dad: "religion."
me: ".... oh... right... ok then."
____________________

me: "hey nicky! guess where the happiest place in the world is."
nicky: "fiji!"
me: no.
nicky: "australia?"
me: "nope. denmark."
nicky: "really?"
me: "yep."
nicky: "hu."
me: "apparently it's because they have low expectations."
nicky: "isn't marijuana legal there?"
me: "apparently it's because they have low expectations and weed."
____________________





____________________

about a week ago i was cornered by someone at work- we'll call him "crazy pants"- who wanted to know what i thought was going to happen with our company's website and if i thought we needed a "big picture person" and didn't i think he'd be great in that capacity? and then crazy pants started talking about how his life hasn't turned out like he'd expected it to and that's why he relates to my boss because obviously my boss's life hasn't turned out as expected either.
later that same night i was catching up on the phone with one of my favorite people of all time and as we finished up i said one of my awkward phone fillers like, "it's all coming together" or "it's gonna happen" or whatever it is i say because pauses in phone conversations make me uncomfortable and she said, "you know, i've been waiting for things to come together and they never do... my life is so not turning out how i expected it to."
fair enough.
i quickly commiserated. afterall, my life isn't turning out the way i expected either. but when i got off the phone i thought about it and that's not necessarily true because i don't honestly know what i expect my life to be. for the last few years it seems like i'm more focused on what i think other people expect my life to be and, regardless of whether or not my assumptions are valid, i use those assumed expectations as my measuring stick.
and, big surprise, most times i fail to meet those expectations.
i don't believe the key to happiness is lowered expectations. obviously. but i do believe surrounding myself with false expectations causes a lot of my discontent.

i don't know.
feedback?
____________________

this commercial continually makes me laugh.
now, you might think this has nothing to do with what i just wrote but you'd be wrong because it takes place in norway. which is scandinavian. like denmark.
totally applicable.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

who's on first?

when juan works at a candy factory juan, not surprisingly, comes into contact with, you know, a lot of candy. trade shows, neighboring companies, new products, vendors, sales reps... there's a lot of candy out there.
and if juan grew up obsessed with, well, food in general but especially chocolate, then sampling chocolate covered espresso beans, dark chocolate/chili pepper candy bars, lava truffles, and even chocolate bacon bars would be a dream job.
but even if juan has an unusually high tolerance for the wonderfully weird of the candy world, juan has to draw a line somewhere.
and that line is the dark chocolate, fig, fennel, and almond bar.
with two squirrels on the label.
holding a fig.
with hearts squirting out of it.

did you guys ever see that episode of "newsradio" where bill is all, "juan knows these things." and dave's all, "juan who?" and bill's like, "not juan. one."
this was kind of an homage to that.

i'm looking forward to comments from "hugh".
...
i'm boring today.

Friday, February 15, 2008

a week.

sunday
alarm set for 4am
i flew to anaheim sunday morning to go to a trade show. and let me tell you, it was all business.

no really.


work, work, work. that's all i ever do.


no fun was had.


except the fun of working and working hard.



monday
no alarm. miracle.
i've only had one quasi celebrity siting in my life. and i don't know how much that one counts because nobody believed me.
thank heavens i was carrying a camera around with me because the tradeshow i went to was a huge draw to the red carpet set.
and now i have proof!
here's a picture of people ogling dr. quinn medicine woman.

and here's a picture of people staring at vanna white.

hard. evidence.

tuesday
back in utah.
1. should i be worried by my familiarity with the wendys drive thru employees?
2. nothing says "i love you" like the phrase "wanna do it?" written in frosting on a chocolate truffle heart.

wednesday
got done with work at 7 pm.
after i got off work my 40 minute commute to slc took me 5 hours.

let's think about that for a second.
FIVE HOURS.
no really. think about it.

we will seriously wait right here until you think about it.

and for anyone else who was stuck in the commute from hell wednesday night, i'm sorry. i was right there with you.
seriously people. i almost died.
not because of the "dangerous" "hurricane speed winds" or the "snow drifts" or the "idiots" who "think" "four wheel drive" "equals" "invincibility" (maybe my chris farley impressions don't really cross over into written form.) but because it took me four and a half hours to go 10 miles (yes, that's a little over 2 miles an hour. yes, i could have walked faster. yes, i did the math in my head as i sat in my car gnawing on a peanut butter truffle heart for nourishment) and i was so frustrated i just stopped living. well. almost.

near death experience.
i am not prone to hyperbole.
and i am not copying spliz's blog.

thursday
alarm set for 4 am.
working at a chocolate factory has killed christmas and seriously maimed halloween for me. but i'm happy to say that even when it's combined with lack of sleep and having to explain 127 times that no i'm not writing on little cakes but on heart shaped chocolate and yes, yes i am very talented thank you for having the clarity to recognize that, and no i don't know where the forever 21 is located.... working at a chocolate factory cannot and will not beat the valentine's day out of me. i love valentine's day. i love that you celebrate it by wearing pink and eating cinnamon candy. i don't even care that my left hand fell off at approximately 7:30 pm because love was in the air (yes, you should be humming the song (loudly (and with gumption)) even though rumor has it it should never be played (which totally goes against my ownership of the "strictly ballroom" soundtrack but whatever)) and valentine's day miracles abounded (really and truly. maybe i'll talk about it later.) as did chocolate covered strawberries.

friday
alarm was slept through. and rightfully so.
i even managed to hit snooze on ziggy. he tried to wake my up at 8:30 and i managed to convince him to sleep for another half hour.
1. should i be worried that i ordered something new at arbys but they still gave me the meal i usually order every other time i go there?
2. that's really all i've got so far.