Wednesday, August 31, 2005

it's a whole new season

september 1st is my new year.
cuz that's when school starts and that's when my birthday is and yada yada yada.
and more importantly, it's the start of a new tv season.

any tv show worth anything, knows that the first episode of the season needs to be entirely expositional because it has to catch me up with everything that has happened since i saw it last. and that exposition will somehow end up driving the story line for the rest of the season.

real life seems to parallel that. every september i meet new people or remeet old people and our conversation is entirely expositional. because we need to catch each other up on the random little details that will somehow drive our plotlines for the rest of the season.

so happy new year everyone!
might i suggest spending new year's eve working on your upcoming expositional monologues, really making them shine.
because they're going to set the tone for the rest of your season.
no pressure.

Monday, August 29, 2005

not about the money

just when i think i'm out... they pull me back in.

i don't know guys. i leave it to you.
the c.e.o of our company just pulled me into a meeting.
and offered me a $5 an hour raise to stay.
in utah.

what would you do?

**and did i mention the promotion and double the hours?**

Thursday, August 25, 2005


i hate jogging.
i'm not good at it.
i look goofy doing it.
and it feels awkward.

and i've never experienced a runner's high.
and even when i used to go to the gym, i'd only do the cardio stuff if my sister was with me, cuz she liked to do the elipticals.

my parents have a treadmill which i've ignored for the last 5 years.
until this morning when i did something i've always wanted to do.
i raced.
i tried to figure out how fast real runners go, and run as fast as them.
i definitely lost the race. did you know that olympic runners are really fast?
but i still ran as fast as i could for five minutes.
until there was serious danger of me tripping.
and my parent's dog was completely scared of me.
and when i was done, i had enough adrenaline in my system that i didn't even get a diet coke today.

i always wanted to do that at the gym. stretch a little, get on the treadmill, stare at the stranger next to me and say, "ok. on your mark... get set... GO!" and do, like, a treadmill race.
but the 24 hour fitness people would probably consider that horse play.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005


i think i've found a job in gilbert, arizona.
i don't really know where that is.
but that's not the point.
i don't really know how to find an affordable apartment-
that isn't in the ghetto.
does arizona have a ghetto?
-by looking online.
but that's not the point.
i think i've found a super cute nannying job.
it's all very exciting.
and terrifying.
and exhausting.

but that is not the point.

the point is...
look at this freaky picture of a baby that i found on a nanny website.


Friday, August 19, 2005



i just quit my job.

for real.
so this is what it feels like to cut your safety net.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005


i saw a tv show once where this guy runs into an old friend who last time he saw her was trying to buy a computer and he goes, "so which one did you end up buying?" and she's all "i went with the mac." and he stares at her intently, sits down next to her, and goes, "you're a mac person?" and then they date.

or something like that.

i am that guy. this summer i found out that a guy who has annoyed me for the last two years of my life owns a mac, and suddenly he didn't seem so annoying. because he's a mac person.

i'd like to tell you that i love compy a.k.a the 15" powerbook g4 because i'm a graphic designer. or because of the suprisingly good technical support. or because it's completely reliable and higher quality than a p.c.
which are all valid points.
but i like compy cuz he's pretty. and shiney.
and hip.
i feel so hip.
when i use compy, i feel like i've taken my first step towards my fantasy where i work in the big city.
and my apartment is feng shui-ed.
and i drink organic pink grapefruit juice.
and i drive an audi.
and i'm married to a metrosexual named blaine.

and when i'm surrounded by anti-mac people, i pity them because they obviously don't have the same stellar priorities as i do.
it's sad really.
and last week i found out that the only somewhat rational argument that the antimacs had is no longer an issue.

... i think i am in heaven.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005


yesterday was a bad day.

the specifics of which aren't important.
although... you know... bad days always seem to follow the same pattern. they start out disguised as an "any other day you might have" kind of day... lulling you into a false sense of security with their any-other-dayness. and there are always a few ups that mingle in with the ego bruises and second guessing and worrisome phone calls, so it's not until you're lying in bed at 2 a.m. with your eyes wide open that you realize that you've just had

but what i really hate is how a bad day sticks with you. you wake up the next morning feeling sluggish and "knot-in-your-stomach"ish. and then 2 seconds later you remember why.
and you think to yourself, "whatever. that was yesterday. i'm fine today." but then you see yourself snapping at the gas station attendant kid because your 32 cent tuesday's diet coke cost 62 cents due to new ownership. you see yourself glaring at your computer moniter at work. you see yourself rejoice in the fact that it's rainy because otherwise you would think that mother nature is mocking you.
you see yourself doing all of this.
and that's when you realize that you are in what the great poets* have described as a funk.

or maybe it's just me.

*including but not limited to the black eyed peas.**
** although they would probably call it "a phunk".

Friday, August 12, 2005


"i can do two pull ups."

white lie
"i weigh 140 pounds."

accidental lie
"i'll call you back."

default lie (due to lack of sarcastic tone)
"wow. sculptural welding? sounds like a class i'd love."

bold faced lie
"sounds like fun."

bolder faced lie
"oh, sorry. i can't hear you... cuz i got these headphones on."

boldest faced lie of all time
"sure, i know what i'm doing this fall."

Tuesday, August 09, 2005


my dad is a 6'4", 240 pound teddy bear.
he knows a lot about history.
he can remember every meal he's ever eaten.
my dad can't carry a tune and he memorizes the jokes from readers digest.
he likes john wayne movies.
and also he likes golf.

in fact, he went golfing on saturday. well, why don't i let my dad tell you about it.
dad: i went golfing on saturday.
me: ya? and how was that?
dad: it was ok. there was a man there with his daughter, so i asked if he wanted to team up and he did.
me: that's nice.
dad: and then he said that he doesn't get to golf as much as he'd like because of his job.
me: his job?
dad: ya. i asked him what his job was, and he said he was an apostle in the church.
me: ...wait, [actually paying attention now] what?
dad: ya. so then i realized that i was playing golf with elder eyring.
me: are you kidding me?
dad: no. and i guess he doesn't get to golf as much as he'd like to. so i told him that was a pretty good argument against being righteous.
me: [nodding my head in defeat] sigh... oh dad.
dad: hehehe...

my dad might just be the funniest person i know and by "funniest person i know" i mean "only person i know who would tell a religious leader to be less righteous".
but if you meet him, don't ever ask him to tell you a joke.
unless you like the readers digest jokes.
because that's what you're going to get.

p.s. the link to the richard kiel page is actually because i always wanted to buy my dad the shirt r.k. wears in "happy gilmore". you know... the "guns don't kill people, i kill people" shirt.
p.p.s. so he could wear it when boys came to pick me up for dates.
p.p.p.s. "and you can count... on me waiting for you in the parking lot."

Thursday, August 04, 2005

the last 24 hours

yesterday, i went to the bank and ordered a credit card, thus compiling my non-credit history.
it was very exciting.
one of those "i don't want to go to work right now, i might as well start building credit" whims.

also, the make shift photo studio my boss ordered came today. today i'm a photographer. i'm a jack of all trades. like bert on "mary poppins". tomorrow i'll be jumping into chalk drawings.

i went to the park last night with the three kids i was babysitting. a dad came up to me and said, "these aren't your kids, are they?" yet another occasion where complete strangers sense my lack of maternal vibes. i told him, no, they weren't mine. and he gestured towards his wife and said, "see? i told her there was no way you'd had three children."
i guess that means i'm skinny?

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

six degrees

back when i was one of the candy packaging grunts, we would play the 6 degrees game. one person would name two random celebrities and then everyone would try to be the first person to find the movie chain.
and i loved it.
because i'm a huge movie geek.
and also somewhat of a movie snob.
not in a film criticky kind of way, but in a "you've never seen 'pillow talk'?? what kind of a byu co-ed are you?" kind of way.
but i degress.

the 6 degrees game used to make time go by so much faster. what? we have to package 32 cases of orange slices? no problem... someone name two celebrities.
but now i work in the office with all the grown ups.
and time goes by much, much slower.
much slower.

so i try to play the game by myself.

mickey rooney and pauly shore. go!
ok. mickey rooney was in "breakfast at tiffany's" with audrey hepburn.
who was in "robin and marian" with sean connery.
who was in "the rock" with nicholas cage.
who was in "guarding tess" with shirley maclaine.
who was in "mrs. winterbourne" with brendon fraser.
who was in "encino man" with pauly shore.

i win.
and yet i don't win, because there aren't any grunts playing with me.


ok, guys... doris day and will smith. go!