Thursday, January 29, 2009

kat: based on a true story

i've come to accept that movies are exponentially better than real life.
it's because of the background music.
and the mantages. mantages are brilliant. i don't care what you're mantaging, you will not disappoint me.
and then there are taglines. one sentence to make people want to see the movie. i love it. i want a tagline of my own to use when i introduce myself, so people will be like, "yes. awesome. i must know more."

but until i figure out my own, original tagline i should probably borrow one and see how it goes over.
here are some of my favorites...

"kat: still the fairest of them all!"
i'm just telling it like it is. just putting it out there right at the get go. you know, because maybe the person i'm talking to doesn't have eyes.
that's right.
i said that.

"kat: nothing like it has ever been on earth before"
...powerful stuff.

"kat: she was everything the west was - young, fiery, exciting!"
i like it because it involves a simile and makes me seem literary. wait, i mean a metaphor.
an analogy?

"kat: there can be only one"
a statement that could make the listener disappointed or relieved depending on whether or not they find me annoying.

"kat: in gorgeous and shocking astravision and sexicolor!"
okay, so this might be the tagline of a 1960's horror/porn movie that was banned from finland.
and i might not understand what "astravision" is supposed to mean which, yes,- because it's a tagline for porn- makes me worry that it's some sort of nasty entendre i just don't get.
...but "sexicolor" makes me giggle.

"kat: the damnedest thing you ever saw!"
but you have to say it in an old man voice.

"kat: man has made his match ... now it's his problem."
don't think about this one too hard or you'll realize it doesn't make sense.
and also that it's not all that funny.

"kat: don't get her wet, keep her out of bright light, and never feed her after midnight."
this is not so much a tagline as it is sound advice.

"kat: be afraid. be very afraid."
and then i would do my mad scientist laugh.

"kat: don't answer the phone. don't open the door. don't try to escape."
i don't know why i would say this to anyone. unless i want them to think i'm creepy.
although i am kind of creepy so i might as well be up front about it.

"kat: the most incredible thing that ever happened is about to happen to you."
yes. confidence. yes. this might be my favorite.

as always, suggestions are always welcome.
unless they're lame suggestions.

i do not welcome lameness.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

big words

you might be interested to know that my father, the 6'4" giant of a man who kills spiders for me on a regular basis, knows a lot of big words.

words like gauche, autocratic, and macabre.

you might also be interested to know that my father used each of those words while talking to my brother-in-law, the tall, zoophobic iranian who is learning english by watching "while you were sleeping" with the subtitles on and wore his "proud to be a berkley mom" sweatshirt to dinner a few weeks ago.

and you just might be interested to know that in each instance i left the room to laugh hysterically into a pillow.

Monday, January 26, 2009

number 600 a.k.a. atypical

in an 8 hour period i...

saw a cute movie starring george michael (not the singer/songwriter) bluth
which struck rather close to home at times,
called a cab to take home a guy named churi
because i was too scared to give him a ride home,
realized i'm not a hipster
nor do i want to be one
if it involves awkward headwear, dark rimmed glasses, and a lack of underwear,
was asked what salary bracket i fall into,
cleaned up vomit,
worried that i was racist,
laughed a LOT at michael cera and realized nobody around me was laughing
because it is not hip to laugh
but it is hip to not shower and talk about how you totally saw bowie,
saw a quasi celebrity (not bowie) and didn't care,
saw a cartoon about "moonies",
received an explanation later about what "moonies" are,
stole money from my sleeping grandmother,
received a bill for having my ovaries removed
a procedure i do not remember having,
fell into a deep, overstimulated slumber.

so... typical friday night. for, you know, someone.

Monday, January 19, 2009


ever since i started harboring a secret and all consuming love for gilbert blythe, and also jack kelly, and also paul maclean, and also the volleyball scene from "top gun"... i've had a t5 list. it's gone through several incarnations- let's be honest- because that's just how life is, my friends.

and securing himself a spot on the list is neil patrick harris a.k.a. doogie...

a.k.a. dr. horrible

a.k.a. my soul mate.

now i have the rotten task of deciding which of the existing members gets shoved off a cliff.

some people say blogs are the "manifestation of the twitchy narcissism of my generation"... i just don't see it.

5. neil patrick harris
4. jack lemmon
3. hugh jackman
2. gene kelly
1. han solo and/or indiana jones

sorry fresh prince of belair. you're out.

who wants to share their t5's? you know you've got them.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

part deux

i've decided there are two different kinds of winter.
there's the glitzy, hollywood winter where i sit next to a fire with hot cocoa looking like this...

... and then i run out in the fresh, beautiful whiteness and make a snow angel.

somewhere between november 15th and january 2nd. that's hollywood winter.
and i can get behind that.

it's the second part of winter i can't handle. post-inversion. where the world seems completely enveloped in one big smog cloud. my heart seems enveloped by one big smog cloud. and i want to say i know the sun exists but i'm going purely on faith. and it's important to not roll in the snow because it is frozen and it is black.
hollywood never shows that winter.

the thing is, it's hard to tell when you've hit winter stage II because it kind of sneaks up on you.
so here's a tip: i have found the best indicator of the true state of winter is the people. when winter stage II hits- for a lack of better phrasing- everyone looks more or less vagrant.
you might laugh, you might roll your eyes, but i'm telling you stage II is coming because i just saw a guy in a wool cap and an old thick coat with the entire back ripped apart get into a bmw.

and that's all i'm saying.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009


stuck in my head: "my baby don't mess around because she loves me so and this i know fo' shoh..."

i might be ever so slightly behind the trends.

as is my morning tradition, i was sitting on my couch watching whatever random dvd i was watching shout out to what up? while i ate breakfast.
and as is morning tradition, ziggy came tottering out of the bedroom, jumped on my lap and immediately fell back to sleep.
for you see, my dog is not what you would call a morning canine.
he tends to sleep until noon or until he is roused by my incessant calls to action and glory when he'll finally emerge- ears askew-, do his morning stretches of destiny and then fall back to sleep on the nearest lap.
and as is morning tradition, i mocked his laziness and his ears which were especially askew.

i mean, seriously, how does something like that happen? heheh... fool.
then i finally got up off the couch, did my morning stretches of destiny and went up to my mirror to find out who the fairest of them all is.
my mirror's reply? "yikes."
and truth be told, i agreed with it.