Tuesday, August 11, 2009

why blogging after a 10 hour day isn't smart

an irate russian woman threw a tea cup at the mona lisa yesterday.
i think this will become my new standard of stress measurement. am i mad enough to throw a teacup at the mona lisa? no? then i'm not really mad.

i've watched, like, every "end of the world"/"robot uprising" type movie there is this summer- i assume you've been doing the same (b.t.dub, one of the previews being shown is essentially doing nothing but giving credence to my cousin's theory about the apocalypse and because, in my mind, mayan calender nuts are just repurposed nuts left over from y2k and shouldn't in any way be acknowledged, john cusack and i are fighting. tragedy.)- and it's changed me. not really. really. i will never change. let's talk about it...

1. far be it for me to bring up a topic as incensing as gun control i hate guns. they should be controlled. but i think all parties will agree that in a post apocalyptic world you will have to know how to shoot a gun. really well. so you won't be killed by a naked arnold schwartzenegger (tragedy).
this is just common sense.
which is why i secretly want to go to a gun range. to perfect my aim you do not want bad aim when facing naked arnold schwartzenegger.
this will also come in useful should i ever take up paintballing.

2. i'm chatty. i just am. it can come in handy or it can be incredibly annoying, i see this, but what really worries me is that when it comes to world-ending emergency type situations elvis had it right when he said he needs "a little less conversation, a little more action". being super chatty makes you expendable. unless you're super funny or british and i'm neither.
which is why i think it's best to pretend to be mute it's impossible to be killed if you're mute.

3. i used to think there was a karmic, golden rule kind of a thing when it came to life. but now that i have lived and i mean really lived i can tell you with all the experience of my 28 years that i still think there's a karmic, golden rule kind of thing when it comes to life. however, in post apocalyptic world, likability can be a major drawback. i mean sure, if you're evil or with the government or a nazi you'll get your comeupance and we'll all cheer (karma-ed!), but if you're super lovable? ya, you're also going to die. to make us all feel bad. you'll probably sacrifice yourself. and when you do, you'll probably say something poignant beforehand about the needs of the many outweighing the needs of the few... or the one.
and all i'm saying is, that is not for me.
so the next time i'm kind of jerk to you i'm probably just practicing not being too lovable. it could save my life!

4. my religion has a weird obsession with food storage. i'm sorry i'm not sorry but it's true. i completely understand and respect the idea of being industrious and self reliant. and i understand from a summer blockbuster perspective that when aliens invade, i'll be blockaded in my house and will be happy to have canned goods and water but i do not understand the weekly food storage email i get from my ward.
here's a sample...
For the next 12 months, we are going to make an effort to help you gather food storage on $5.00 a week (for 2). Each week we will have the suggested items posted in the newsletter, along with other food storage ideas and even a few recipes to try. The suggested items will always be listed under the following topic: One Year Supply For $5.00 A Week for Two People

Each week take $5.00 and buy the specified items for a week. Remember that some weeks will not use all of the $5.00 and some weeks will use more than $5.00. Plan to set aside $5.00 each week regardless. There are also a few weeks you will have nothing to buy, but set aside the money for those weeks as well. By the end of the 52 weeks you will have 700 lbs. of wheat, 240 lbs. of sugar, 40 pounds of powdered milk, 13 lbs. of salt, 10 lbs. of honey, 5 lbs. of peanut butter, 45 cans of tomato soup, 32 cans of mushroom soup, 15 cans of tuna fish, 10 boxes of macaroni and cheese, 500 aspirin, 730 multiple vitamins, 6 lbs. of dried yeast, and 6 lbs. of shortening. This should sustain 2 people for 1 year.

*** Remember to add $5.00 more for every 2 additional people in your family.

Week 12: 4 cans Mushroom Soup, 2lbs Shortening"

although i appreciate the sentiment that this is food storage for two in my mind i'm blockaded in my home with orlando bloom, i refuse to be stuck in my house, hiding from aliens, eating cream of mushroom soup and 700 pounds of wheat.

what it really comes down to is this. when the world ends in 2012, i want to go out in the first wave. there's no way i want to make it through all the mass devastation just to mutely shoot the transformed kitchen appliances stealing my 40 pounds of powdered milk.

i think i've made my point.