Thursday, May 31, 2007

pirates of the caribbean III: at world's end: an epic study of surrealism: no really, think about it

i did not like the first "pirates" movie. i thought it was boring, and seriously when did keira knightly become so aggravating?

the second movie hurt me physically. i was confused and i was bored and i was dizzy from the 5 hour fight scene in a giant hamster wheel and there was too much keira talking out of her jaw and too few close ups of orlando.
and too much creepy octopus head guy. what was that about?

i have renounced my anti-"pirates franchise" ways and i'll tell you why.
the third movie is genius.
the same minds which brought us "little monsters" and "godzilla" have indeed written a magnificently abstract piece of work. a few years ago i saw akira kurosawa's "dreams" and have not since enjoyed a surrealist film.
until now.

does "pirates of the caribbean: at world's end" make sense? no.
does it stick to one plot? no. how about two? nu uh. ten? hehe. not even close.
does time zip by making it completely unnecessary to look at your watch every 5 minutes? um, no. really, really no.
in fact, i think if i had tried to, you know, make sense of it i might have run mad for it's not a sensical film as much as a quagmire of intensely ephemeral plot points. that, along with the multiple captain jacks, the crabs-slash-rocks-slash-hu,-the-rocks-are-crabs moments, and keira knightley's orangey mystic tan... it's practically david lynchian.

yep, as i sat back and let the nonsensical, the incongruous, the dada-esque moments wash over me, it was truly cathartic.

or maybe it was just that i'd been walking around all day and i was just happy to be sitting somewhere air conditioned.
ya, actually that's what was cathartic.
so... um... nevermind.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

things you can yell during a bad movie but not during a business meeting...

"why won't you just DIE already???"

"chuck norris is my personal god."

"i think this would best be settled... with a dance off."

"oh geez, put your clothes back on."

"this is the perfect blending of tedium and revulsion."

"i want my life back!!"

that's all i got.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

spring cleaning

instead of being outside where there is sunshine, purity, and joy, i am sitting in my windowless office trying to pull one more- just one more- label idea out of my skull.
i say skull because each new label i've had to make this past week has taken a little piece of my brain- as well as a piece of my soul- with it during cerebral extraction leaving me a hollowed out shell. if it were autumn i'd probably make a jack-o-lantern comparison which would most likely become awkward once i tried to stretch the metaphor into the seed baking phase. i don't know why but my allegories inevitabley tend towards awkwardness. hehe... that reminds me of a television moment...

dave:hu. you know i never really thought of it like that.
smatthew: well, nobody thinks of allegory these days.
dave: but i mean "star wars" as a metaphor for the whole nixon administration. that's fascinating.
smatthew: once you realize lord vador represents mcnamera, it all falls into place.
dave: my question is, do you think the people who made "star wars" intended it that way?
smatthew: hehe... no david. i came up with metaphor realizing the best way to explain triangular diplomacy to you was by comparing it to a popular children's movie.
dave: you know, i hate to admit this but it worked! ...wait a second, who was nixon?
smatthew: yoda.
dave: no, see, here it falls apart because yoda was a wise, old pacifist.
smatthew: no... yoda was a muppet. the puppeteer who made yoda authorize the secret bombing of cambodia on the other hand?
smatthew: exactly.

i've always assumed the inside of my head looked, well, something like this...
but as i sit here today,
lacking the mental capability for complex thought,
and proper paragraph usage,
i'm probably sporting a whole new cerebral design...
i've taken the few and very simple thoughts still floating around in my head, compressed them, and filed them under either "good" or "not good".
puppies, "good."
fire, "not good".
the series finale of "gilmore girls", "not good."
brownies, "good".
juice instead of diet coke, "not. good."

hu. it's sparse in here.

Monday, May 14, 2007


if you ask me, even an adult with actual responsibilities and the ever present standard of self sufficiency looming over their heads can find themselves in a situation where it seems completely rational to have the thought, "i want my mommy" flash through their mind.

like if you're hanging from a rickety piece of scaffolding 37 stories off the ground.

or you're sitting in a prison cell in thailand because you were caught trying to smuggle heroin across the border.

or maybe you inadvertently caused a city wide black out.

or when you have the stomach flu.
correction. when i have the stomach flu.

because really, i'm not stoic. when i get a credit card application in the mail, i call everyone i know to whine about it.
so yes, after i passed out on my bathroom floor (glamorous) i thought- well first i thought, "man. i gotta stop partying like this". and that made me laugh. but then the nausea returned so i thought- "i want my mommy."

don't judge me.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

heart to heart

dingdong: ssso my husssband wantsss to move to another country.
me: really?? that's fantastic!
dingdong: he ssspeaksss portugessse ssso he'd probably want to go to, like, portugal or brazszil and work.
me: wonderful! you should totally go for it.
dingdong: but he alssso wantsss to ssstart having kidsss.
me: hu. do you want to start having kids?
dingdong: i don't really feel ready yet. but he doesss... ssso, we probably will.
me: hu.
dingdong: i'm jussst worried about having kidsss in a third world country.
me: like portugal?
dingdong: ya.
me: ahem, well, that's totally understandable. when you have a baby, you want your family close by for support and it would be hard to be in a country where you don't speak the language.
dingdong: and alssso, if you have tripletsss in a third world country-
me: like portugal?
dingdong: ya. if you have tripletsss in a third world country, you can only choossse one to live!
me: ... what?
dingdong: they only let you choossse one to live!
me: ... hu.
dingdong: my friend sssaw it on "oprah".


Monday, May 07, 2007

wow. one man can make a difference.

i get migraines on a pretty consistent basis.
they start with the muscles in my neck tensing up and end with my brain expanding 3 sizes and trying to break out of my skull.
and really the only way to stop the madness is to take a handful of excedrin beautiful excedrin. i would marry it if woman and medication could wed and sit in a dark room with absolutely no stimuli whatsoever because somewhere between the muscles tensing and the skull splitting, all of my senses become heightened.

and not in a cool superhero kind of way.

in a "why is everyone shouting at me and why can i actually smell things and hey you, ya you mr. flourescent light, why are you trying to make me vomit?" kind of a way.
and i'm thinking my sense of cynicism gets heightened too because i did not enjoy "spiderman 3" on saturday and everyone else loved it.
the commenters thought it was brilliant.
people cried during it.

all i'm saying is what with the loudness, and the scene with hand held cameras, and the buttered popcorn in combination with the corny dialogue and badly delivered lines from extras, and spiderman swinging in front of the american flag... i really needed some excedrin beautiful excedrin. i would worship it if doing so weren't blasphemous.

maybe in my nausea i only imagined black space goo (with the capacity to turn eric foreman into venom) turning spiderman into an emo twentysomething whose evil plan is to tap dance in front of his ex girlfriend wait, was that a spoiler? i mean, i went into the movie knowing all of that from the previews. except for the tap dancing part. so if i spoiled the tap dancing revelation for you... deal with it. you know, when spiderman is evil his suit is black. that's right! i'm totally drunk with power. i'm spoiling it all for you and i don't even care!.
he's really more the diet coke of black space goo evil.

but everyone else liked it.
so you probably will too.

man, i hate not fitting in.