Wednesday, April 30, 2008


i'm not good at my job today.
but i like totally have a good excuse...
my job is hard.

okay, ya, you're right, it's not.
but it's harder than it looks.
yes, i know it looks super easy but i'm saying it's a slightly harder brand of easy than it looks.
geez. get off my back.

the essence of my job sans payroll, catalogues, kosher research, high school history projects, is this...

behold! the candy label.
an 8 inch by 2 inch rectangle waiting to be filled with ingredients and nutrition and enough cute cutesyness to make people want to spend their money on candy instead of overpriced gasoline.
i've made roughly 20 bajillion candy labels through the years and i am brainfrozen and heartburnt.

read on.
it took me approximately 32 years to make a bunch of monster lab themed halloween labels.
they mostly centered around a mad scientist who i believe spends the majority of his day walking up to things and saying, "what you talkin' 'bout, willis?"

and as much as i welcome rejection and criticism lie from those around me, and as easy going as i fancy myself not a lie. i really am convinced i "go with the flow", and as much as i don't mind a line of candy labels which i have spent infinity + 1 hours working on being unceremoniously cut sarcasm...
i'm just saying that eventually the day will be mine and these labels will be used.

Monday, April 28, 2008


the movie version of "mama mia" is coming out this summer and there is reason colin firth upon reason pierce brosnan why i'm looking forward to it. i wish i were in greece. not to be confused with "grease"- a different musical for a different time.
this is a musical i know very little about. i've never seen it, never listened to the soundtrack, i don't even know the plot. in fact, the only thing i've ever known about it is it's
translation: i am so on board.

during the commute this morning, the song "where is my mind" by the pixies came on and i thought to myself, "i would totally put this into a broadway musical." and then the drifting off part of my brain took over and the result is this... when i finally produce my big broadway hit "itunes: 99 cents + tax" it will include the following hit numbers:

"where is my mind?" the pixies
"last goodbye" jeff buckley
"the way you make me feel" michael jackson
"jonathon fisk" spoon
"sirènes de la fête" brazilian girls
"fuel" metallica
"history repeating" shirley bassey/propellerheads
"hitchin' a ride" greenday
and some sort of earth, wind and fire finale.

the drifting off part of my brain is kind of messed up.
i don't even know that any of these songs are my favorites, but the thought of turning them into book numbers with jazz hands and sequins and a possible act 2 reprise... well, it fills me with glee.
sick, sad glee.

i don't know what the plot would be because i had to get off the freeway and the road rage part of my brain took over.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008


hey, it's me! coming to you live from... my desk. glad to not be on a plane and (if i'm being truthful) glad to not be in tennessee anymore. note: when a polygamist sect with a very similar name to your religion gets a lot of media attention, don't vacation in the bible belt.
as with any experience ever there were both good and deplorable moments, but i like to think i gave it a grand ole cowboy try. i even wore cowboy boots.
see? here they are.

coincidentally i'm also demonstrating ballet's first position. it's very hard to do while lying (laying?) in bed.

i've been so busy the last couple of days trying to get caught up on all the shows on and and and and with my scramble games on facebook that i haven't even had a chance to respond to my daily fanmail.
i wish i there was more time in a day. and i wish even more i had a gorgeous personal assistant to respond to each email on my behalf...
but i have neither.

i thought it might be kind of a fun change of pace to respond to my fanmail via blog today.
kind of a two birds with one stone/seven giants with one blow type of a thing.

from: dgw
I know that you emailed me over a month ago and this is the first time you have heard from me, but I have been a little busy with work and school... Do you know what anyone else is doing? How is E? How is L? How is K, K and A? I don't here form anyone much, well, I haven't heard from anyone in a long time.
dear dgw,
you sound so busy, what with the work and the school. i'm flattered you took the time in your busy schooling working schedule to write to me, although i'm not surprised. you would be amazed how many people find the time to write to me every month. it would blow your mind. i'm very popular.
i'm not exactly sure what e, l, k, k, and a are doing but i expect i'll here form them within the month.
keep plugging away you multi tasker you,

We aren’t throwing anymore parties for Marie. For the time being at least. I hope everyone had fun though. We’ve just realized that we’re missing a Silver 80 GB Ipod and we’re wondering if anyone accidentally walked off with it. I believe it was playing in the kitchen for a bit. If anyone can remember seeing it or accidentally walked off with it could you please let S or I know. Any information would be greatly appreciated.
dearest pgossage,
thank you for the amazingly tactful implication that i stole your ipod "accidentally". you're right to be suspicious because i tend to turn into a freak at parties. at one party i "accidentally" punched a girl in the face, and another time i hit on a random gay man on behalf of another gay man which turned out to be extremely confusing for all parties involved, and on many occasions i've karaoked "bohemian rhapsody" in my continuing effort to prove that the louder you sing it, the better it sounds.
really, all i'm saying is i understand how kleptomania doesn't seem like too much of a stretch.
unfortunately i have no leads for you on the whereabouts of your 80 gig ipod.
because i wasn't invited to your party.
but give maria my best.

from: anonymous
I read your blog spot. I think I was very much involved in one. Was it about me?
dear anon,
there was a time when i used to write about everyone i knew. i've learned through trial and error and more error and extremely embarassing error to highly filter who and what i write about. i try not to whine about my bosses anymore because i could get fired. i've been asked by family members to not make them look crazy so i've had to stop writing about them. i don't believe in writing about religion or politics or the environment or dating or hiking or dieting or cramps or money or goal setting or people, places, or things.
i try and keep my topics to the mocking of the two living creatures who won't somehow find a way to be offended... myself and my dog.

but yes, it was probably about you.

12 days from today, all cell phone numbers are being released to
telemarketing companies and you will start to receive sales calls. You will
be charged for these calls. To prevent this, call the following number from
your cell phone--1 888 382-1222. It is the National DO NOT CALL list. It
will only take a few minutes of your time. It blocks your number for 5
years. You must call from the cell phone number you want to have blocked.
You cannot call from a different phone number.

dear mom, er, dianepslc,
... right on.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

punctuation and tennessee

no, that is not a question.
or is it.

i am not in the mood to use correct punctuation. or any punctuation besides the period.
and that comma up there.
frankly i am drunk with power.
i could be brimming with enthusiasm and dramatic pauses and you will never know because all you are faced with is the calm poker face of the period.

i wish i had that power in person. i would love to be able to contain my nervousness and excitability behind a calm veneer.
and vice versa. i would love to be able to infuse enthusiasm into a less than enthusiastic situation. but no such luck because i cannot hide my mood.
i have four emotions...
annoyed and
and it is too much effort to convince family or friends or strangers at the bus depot that the emotion on my face has just drifted and come to a halt upon my face because if it hadn't my face would have fallen asleep from boredom.
so yes woman sitting next to me on an airplane my face looks annoyed because i am truly annoyed that your baby just vomited on me.
deal with it.
it is really hard for me to not use commas.
or apostraphes.
or parenthesese.
and i totally cheated up there with the ellipsis. i realize that.
and i am cheating now because i'm using periods as commas and i'm using a smaller font
see i cannot take the emotive out of anything.

i'm going to nashville tomorrow morning.
i'm totally excited about it because it's the antithesis of everything i look for in a getaway.
but in a good way.
and, ya, i'm being purposefully vague because i don't really want to tell you what i'll be doing for 3 days.
because you would mock me.


(comma binge)

Monday, April 07, 2008


i leave for boston tomorrow. on a jet plane.
don't know when i'll... whatever, i'll be back thursday night.

it's a work trip which means the last couple weeks of preparation have been dizzying, and i've no complaint about the dizzy but i've been noticing it leaking into my personal life* which i will not tolerate.
firstly, my hair today is staying up in a bun without aid or apparatus. just my hair. defying gravity.
furthermore, i have a tiny scratch on my finger which might be slightly infected and i have yet to go around the factory telling everyone i have hepatitis.
or syphilis.
and to conclude, a drifter followed me around shopko saturday and when he asked me for a light, i dutifully checked my pockets. you know, because maybe i had an emergency lighter on me and just hadn't realized it. you never know when you might have to light a candle or burn through some ropes or prevent a drifter from killing you because nobody in f-ing utah has a f-ing light for some f-ing weed!

my dad and i had a bubble blowing contest with the bubble tape six feet of bubblegum for you... not them i bought while avoiding the drifter.
i'm pretty sure there were no winners.

*term applied loosely.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008


i have had the good fortune to meet a man named alfred.
i use the term "meet" loosely.
as i've never actually spoken to him.

alfred might just be the most fascinating person i've ever encountered.
second only to "the black prince".
i think alfred is german. or austrian. or canadian.
i don't know.
but i do know that he's 137 years old. and i'm pretty sure he works down at the docks.
alfred has no time for nonsense and i like to believe that when i finally get up the nerve to talk to him, he'll use the word "lollygagging".

also, he carries a plastic grocery bag around with him wherever he goes.

VERY IMPORTANT UPDATE HENCEFORTH TO BE REFERRED TO AS V.I.U. IN THE INTEREST OF SIMPLIFICATION ALTHOUGH I MAY NEVER HAVE CAUSE TO USE THE ABBREVIATION AGAIN AND THIS OVERLY COMPLICATED EXPLANATION IS WORKING AGAINST MY SIMPLIFICATION GOAL. PLUS SINCE I'M TYPING IN ALL CAPS I FEEL LIKE I'M YELLING AT YOU ACROSS THE WORLD WIDE this just reminded me of an incident a couple of weeks ago where i was teaching my dad how to use mapquest because somehow he'd never heard of it. i can only assume he spent the last 5 years in a closet plugging his ears and rocking back and forth. or, more likely, he's spent the last 5 years, you know, being dad. anyways, it was good for my ego to explain mapquest because it's not often i know something about the internet, but when my dad started typing "www..." i was overcome with irritation. i don't know why. i really don't. i started off about how "nobody types the www part of an address anymore. nobody. it's a waste of time. what are you doing? why are you wasting time?? why do you want to be a giant time waster? why? WHY??" and now i'm yelling again. INTERNET EXPANSE:

i know this is completely unethical, but i felt like i didn't successfully get my description of alfred across. so this morning i video taped him playing chess at the park.
please don't call the police.


1. Name one person who made you laugh last night? carolyn
2. What were you doing at 0800? hitting the snooze button
3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? driving
4. What happened to you in 2006? i don't remember
5. What was the last thing you said out loud? "the essi's can't be trusted with such an important task."
6. How many beverages did you have today? so far, just water.
7. What color is your hairbrush? black
8. What was the last thing you paid for? diet coke
9. Where were you last night? work, gateway, grandma's house.
10. What color is your front door? white. i think.
11. Where do you keep your change? where don't i keep my change.
12. What’s the weather like today? cloudy
13. What’s the best ice-cream flavor? chocolate.
14. What excites you? summer. people.
15. Do you want to cut your hair? no.
16. Are you over the age of 25? yes
17. Do you talk a lot? non stop.
18. Do you watch the O.C.? no
19. Do you know anyone named Steven? a few.
20. Do you make up your own words? ya. mostly changing nouns into verbs or adjectives.
21. Are you a jealous person? ya
22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘A’. ann-marie
23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘K’. kate
24. Who’s the first person on your received call list? carolyn, i think.
25. What does the last text message you received say? i don't text
26. Do you chew on your straw? no
27. Do you have curly hair? my hair is neither curly nor straight, it is it's own texture defying definition.
28. Where’s the next place you’re going to? 7/11
29. Who’s the rudest person in your life? i really don't stick around rude people.
30. What was the last thing you ate? scrambled egg whites with cheese.
31. Will you get married in the future? you tell me.
32. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks? i abstain.
33. Is there anyone you like right now? no
34. When was the last time you did the dishes? this morning
35.Are you currently depressed? no
36. Did you cry today? no
37. Why did you answer and post this? bored.