Friday, July 29, 2005

deja vu all over again

i used to feel so smart.
until i was maybe 8.
then it all went down hill.
that's not really what this is about.
but it's a little bit what this is about.

in elementary school, i was in the rabbit class. cuz i used to be smart. i memorized my times tables, i learned how to spell, i took the tests and moved on. 7 times 8 equals 56? fine. i believe you. can we hurry this up?
ah, to be young.
in life? i'm dumb. i'm in the turtle class. i see that now. because the same problems keep repeating themselves over and over and over. and i just don't seem to get it.
i want to get it.
i want to learn motivation, and self awareness, and integrity, and especially common sense so i can move on.
and learn something new.

after i passed off my multiplication tables, i got to go in the hall with the other rabbits and play "simon says". and all the sad, stupid turtle kids would watch us play while the teacher explained to them for the forty-seventh time that 7 times 8 equals 56. and we would feel smart and they would feel stupid and really, why did we have to memorize the time tables up to 12 anyways?
why not stop at 11?
or keep going to 19?

Thursday, July 28, 2005

travel the world and the seven seas

dear kat,

you seem like a seasoned traveller. tell me, what's the best place ever?

yours truly,
an ardent reader*

p.s. you're pretty.

dear ardent,
i live in a beautiful state. but in the past few years i've been to some amazing places. here, we'd better look at this logically.
i mean, massachusetts has the T. it has charming little restaurants on the north end like giacomo's. it has people standing in the street watching red sox games. it has my sister.
but utah has streets that follow the grid system. there are mountains and canyons and arches. there's no humidity. the water doesn't taste like cigarette butts.
but in massachusetts most of the men over 25 are still single.
but in utah most of the men don't come up to you on the street and ask you to sleep with them. ("i have lots of money. i could buy you anything you wanted.")
and then there's arizona. it has sun all year round. and no daylight savings. and the grand canyon.
mexico has gorgeous scenery. and the mexican military. and yummy food.
washington and oregon have gorgeous beaches, and waterfalls, and greenery.
idaho has, you know, potatoes. and sage brush.
wyoming has cowboys, and steak, and cabins.
pennsylvania has philly cheese steak sandwiches, independence hall, and west philadelphia (born and raised).
new york has broadway, and the soup nazi, and times square.
california has celebrities. and disneyland. and redwoods. and the ocean.
but rhode island has the ocean too. and also old mansions that you can walk through.

sorry, i can't pick a favorite. but i can tell you this...
montana's got nothing.
never go there.


*i might be my own ardent reader.
it happens.

Monday, July 25, 2005


dear friends and enemies,

i'm in boston right now.
i've been here since last thursday.
i'll be back on wednesday.
i am cool.
and you are not.

because i am in boston.




Monday, July 18, 2005

back up

it's important to have a back up.
i don't know why, but it is.
why is it important to have a back up?

oh. that's right. because you don't want to die alone.

ok. i'll buy that. i don't want to die alone.
all alone.
except for my cats.
and shot glass collection.

but i don't plan on dying for quite some time, people. and i don't have problems with living alone.
all alone.
except for my cats and shot glasses.
and maybe a ferret or something.

which is why my back up plan doesn't come into effect until i'm 80.

so picture this...

...but add 60 years.
and pretend we're in a nursing home instead of an olive garden. (mmm... black tie mousse cake)
living out the rest of our senility together.

please note: the past couple of blogs may or may not be me revelling in the fact that i found a way to scan pictures in at work.
please also note: this particular blog may or may not be the result of lincoln sending me a forward that made me laugh so hard i cried just a little bit.
also note: i mean, really, the guy cracks me up.
and note: in 60 years i'm pretty sure we'd be, like, "grumpy old men" except that i'm not a man.
and: i'd probably be the walter matthau character. lincoln would be jack lemmon.
and: man, that would be awesome!
and: why did he move to monatana again? (lincoln. not walter matthau. who cares where he lives.) he may or may not be a loser.


i hope i edited out everything i needed to. i almost forgot to cover the account number.

wait a second, what does it say in the "for" category? for "being the hottest girl ever"?? why yes. that is what it says. hu. interesting.

and now it's time to play...
list all the responses that jumped into my head when i got this check
(yipee! hooray!)

i'll start...
"it's about time i started making a living off of my good looks."
"do i have to pay taxes on this?"
"easiest 47 cents i ever made."
"i wish guys would do this instead of buying me dinner."
"...and my mom said my looks would never get me anything."
"this is better than the monthly check your mom sends me so that i'll talk to you!"

Thursday, July 14, 2005


doesn't it seem like the songs that get stuck in your head should be stuck there for a reason?
like, some inner part of your soul wants the outer part of you to know exactly how both of you are feeling. and those feeling would best be expressed through song.
the song choice should mean something.

i was never aware that i wanted to rock and roll all night and party every day.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

just a thought

"Wednesday was happy hour with Nana, a semi interesting black man I met in San Jose."

some commentary...
first of all, that's one of the best sentences i've ever had emailed to me. it makes me want to write a book just so i can make that the first line.
second of all, why are epithets or aphorisms* so rarely used in real life?
third of all... well, i guess i only have the two points.

*a tersely** phrased statement of a truth or opinion.

**brief and to the point; effectively concise.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005


there's so much that i don't know.
and i don't mean that in a philosophical "oh! the world is so big and i am so small" kind of way.
and i'm not trying to be vague or ambiguous either.
i don't know how to drive a stick shift.
or rent a u-haul.
or apply for jobs when you don't know someone working there.
or find a good apartment.
or sign up for utilities.
or turn a pile of savings bonds into a high interest earning nest egg.
or get good credit.
or use online plane tickets.
or set up a server on my mac.
or afford health insurance.

so... pretty much what i'm saying is... i don't know how to take care of myself.

Monday, July 11, 2005


i've been busy at work today 1 designing packaging for a new product called "chocolate animal droppings" which are actually chocolate covered nuts and raisins humorously offputtingly entitled by the canadians, and 2 planning my trip to visit my sister in boston. wicked awesome. i leave in 10 days. i pretty much just want to eat good seafood.

the other day i watched "a patch of blue", an old sydney poitier movie chalk full of social commentary as all of s.p.'s movies seem to be. there's always some sort of serious "don't superficially judge me" undercurrent to his movies. and my incessant "man he's hot when he monologues" comments seem horribly inappropriate.

Friday, July 08, 2005


"i saw the worst movie last night. 'hitchhiking the galaxy' or something like that... and i'll tell you, it made that idiot from idaho, what's his name?... 'napolean dynamite'. ya... it made 'napolean dynamite' look good."

-40 year old man on cell phone

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

fire bad. tree pretty.

writer's block.

head like clogged up drain.

like drain full of hair.

and semi opinions.

be patient.

will find figurative draino.

fix everything.