Monday, December 27, 2010

i woke up this morning at 11:40 am.
i want you to think about that.

you see, i have a cold. something, nine out of ten people find a way to power through. but not i. i am in no way stoic. i find that when i try to be stoic, it ends in a meltdown with collateral damage and aftermath.
to prevent the loss of innocent lives, i medicate. hard. and somewhere around 9pm i take a few nyquil and shut it down. it's my version of an induced coma.

and it works.
but i'll tell you what doesn't work. being wrenched out of a drugged stupor at 2am by a dog vomiting all over my bed. it's traumatizing and horrifying and also there's a 50/50 chance i hallucinated it.

Sunday, December 05, 2010

a story about how sometimes men are vastly superior to women...

guy sitting behind me: excuse me.
me: yes?
guy: are you ever compared to any famous singers?
me: all the time.
guy: really?
me: no.
guy: oh. well, has anyone ever told you that you look like colby calait?
me: heh... actually, ya, once before.
guy: i think you look just like her.
me: thanks, i think. truthfully, i don't really know who she is or what she looks like.
guy: it's a compliment. she's totally beautiful.
[girl sitting next to him stiffens]
me: wow. i'll take it then. thank you!
girl: has anyone ever told you that you look like celine dion?
me: ... um... no.
girl: interesting.
me: ... but you know what, celine dion's kind of awesome. and super thin. so i'm taking that as a compliment. mercy. [exeunt]


important update!!:

that girl had a point.

Thursday, December 02, 2010

the other day i was at the gym, in the middle of my super impressive workout, when a man randomly came up to me and said, "you don't need to be here. the gym is for fat people."
classy.
i was put-off for obvious reasons but his little statement got under my skin and stayed there (and not just because he follows me around the gym now and watches me lift weights and makes me vow internally to never wear my lynyrd skynyrd t-shirt again, no matter how sweet home i think alabama is).
a couple of days later i read this article in time magazine about how exercise makes people hungry so they probably won't lose weight.
and then later that day, while i was at the gym, cnn had a feature story about how dieting or trying to eat right makes you gain weight.

and here's where the soapbox starts.

every girl in america has body issues. and if she's lucky, she grows into an adult who still has body issues but is able to ignore them most of the time. i think i had a comparatively healthy self image as a teenager and i know it's because i had good genes and a huge amount of positive support but even cocooned in that absolutely ideal scenario, i can remember looking in the mirror and picking out everything that was ugly about myself. i also remember the way my friends and i used to reassure each other by putting ourselves down ("i'm so fat." "whatever, my thighs are huge." "no way, they're not as big as mine.").
it's weird.
teenage girls are messed up.

in the best cases, that mess turns into a sense of humor and even though fifteen years later i still look in the mirror and catalog my flaws (seriously, guys, i have those lines between my eyes now) at some point i'm able to shrug and say, "eh, whatcha gonna do?" and then go about my day. for the most part. i absolutely go through phases where i hate that i weigh 152 lbs instead of the 138 lbs i weighed in college (for like a week (the best week of my life!)). there are times when i want to get breast implants and also botox (the lines between my eyes, guys. they're there.) but thankfully not for long. however, if there were some sort of shrink ray that could make me 5'7", sigh, i would so be on board (i feel like the new airport security things might be shrink ray machines... however they also remind me of the machine that turned jeff goldblum into the fly... and also the machine that turned steve urkel into stefan urkel... i've forgotten my point).
so, ya, grown women are messed up too.
but there is a measurable decrease in my crazy when i eat right and exercise. i feel better, i sleep better, i have less migraines, and i don't care quite so much about that catalog of flaws. it's like i feel like i look better.

so what i really find maddening is that i can't get away from the crazy. hollywood has been messing with me my whole life, so that's pretty easy to disconnect from. but it's harder to disconnect from actual people standing in front of me, objectifying me and thinking it's somehow a compliment because they have deemed my outside parts acceptable.

here's what i'm making my new standard of normal human behavior. i feel pretty good about holding people to these two basic rules:
1. i'm not saying you shouldn't compliment the people in your life on their appearance. by all means do it. just, you know, also compliment them because they're smart, or interesting, or funny, or kind, or talented.
2.  maybe don't go up to people you don't know and comment on their bodies. it's really hard to make that seem normal.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

misilanious

today, on craigslist...
_________________________

looking for maggie (misilanious)


Date: 2010-12-01, 12:58PM MST
Reply to: job-bfngn-2089615598@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]


looking for maggie you work at lacallie last valintines day this is a job offer i hope you can get this

  • Location: misilanious
  • Compensation: doe
  • This is a part-time job.
  • Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
  • Please, no phone calls about this job!
  • Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
PostingID: 2089615598
____________________

i hope maggie gets this too.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

thanksgiving twenty-ten a.k.a. adventures in incestery... ick

if, like the rest of my family, you think it was nice and somewhat selfless of me to drive my grandmother home when she demanded to be taken home after only two hours of thanksgiving-ing, well then, you're a chump.

crazy cousin once removed who is sitting at the head of the dinner table watching us all eat while he eats nothing. like, nothing. i'm still not sure why: you know, you can't even really prove that france exists.
me, sitting next to him: what?
crazy cousin once removed: seriously, how can you prove it exists?
me: well, there are maps and pictures of the eiffel tower and i know a bunch of people who have gone there. like carolyn. who's sitting right there.
ccor: but we saved their butts during world war 1 and world war 2.
me: did "we"?
ccor: and now all they do is bitch about us.
me: so wouldn't you say their bitching in fact proves that they exist?
ccor: [insert obligatory and poorly-crafted rant about 'nam.]
me: ... right on.
ccor: you know, after i caught my son using drugs again, he was standing at the top of the stairs mouthing off to me so i punched him really lightly in the windpipe.
me: ... um... sure.
ccor: and he kind of laughed at me and said, "what was that? that didn't even hurt!" so i said, "you're lucky i pulled that punch or you wouldn't be standing here right now!" and then he packed up his stuff and left and i haven't heard from him since.
me: that's too bad.
ccor: i could have punched him for real if i'd wanted to and it would have been lethal.
me: well, i think you made the right choice.
ccor: ya?
me: if you ask me, not committing manslaughter is pretty much always a good choice.
ccor: does anyone want some coffee?? no??? [insert obligatory and poorly-crafted rant against my family's religious beliefs]
me: ...right on. how's your daughter?
ccor: she's fine.
me: ya? how's her little girl?
ccor: good. she's two years old now.
me: awww, that's fun.
ccor: you know what we should do?
me: what?
ccor: we should get married.
me: ...
ccor: ...
me: ...
ccor: ...
me: ...what?
ccor: ya, i mean there'd be no hanky panky, obviously.
me: ...
ccor: but you could get artificially inseminated.
me: ...
ccor: ...
me: ya, you know, i actually don't really ever want kids. ever.
ccor: you don't?
me: nope.
ccor: why not?
me: well, ... um... it's just that the older i get, the more i realize that kids are hard work.
ccor: that's true. hu, i thought you really wanted kids.
me: nope. don't want kids. ever. but thank you for the kind offer of your sperm.
ccor: there wouldn't be anything wrong with us having a kid.
me: wouldn't there??
ccor: we'd be keeping the bloodline pure. plus we're second cousins so it would be fine.
me: ... i don't think we are. i think you're my cousin once removed.
ccor: besides, sixty-one is the new forty-one.
me: ... i don't think it is.
ccor: ...
me: ...
ccor: you know, you can't really prove that italy exists either.
me: ...

fin

Thursday, November 18, 2010

some news

as of a week ago, the 80 year old cowboy who lives next door to my grandmother and likes to comment on my italian greyhound and my legs (in that order) has decided to take it up a notch by replacing his cowboy hat with a formal, black top hat.

i thought you should know.

Monday, November 15, 2010

the darkness

no, not the band.
although, i do believe in a thing called love.
and you are more than welcome to listen to the rhythm of my heart.
no, i'm talking about daylight savings. every year when i "fall back" into the darkness, a piece of my soul begins to hibernate.
and the fact that it began to snow ever so gently the day after the daylight savings, well, that did not help.

last monday, i pulled into my driveway after running some errands but before i could get out of my car, the power lines right above me started sparking.
you know that electrical current noise? it's not something you want to hear right above your head.
i backed my car out of the driveway and parked it across the street. then i sat in my car for five minutes staring at the power lines running up and down my street and i assessed the situation, calling upon my zero years of experience with the power company. i decided everything was okay, woke up ziggy who was asleep in the passenger's seat and crossed the street to go home. when i stepped onto my driveway, the power lines above my head started sparking. i assessed my situation by looking around me at the street, wet from the day's gently wafting snow, and calling upon my zero conversations with noted kite-flier benjamin franklin, decided my driveway was a death trap and i was quite possibly going to die in a puddle of my own urine/become a superhero.
ya... i don't actually understand how electricity works.
luckily, my instincts to run away from any sort of scary/awkward/creepy situation kicked in and i picked up my dog and ranRAN! (not even a cool kind of a run but the kind of weird, crouched-down running you see people do in movies when they're running up to a helicopter) back across the street because in my mind the only way to defeat an electrical current was to get back to my car. my reasoning has something to do with the rubber tires.
then my neighbors came out of their homes and asked if i was okay, and then this weird french guy named oliver who apparently lives down the street asked me if i was single and if he could come over to my house later, and then a fire truck came (tragically, the firemen did NOT ask if i was single and if they could come over to my house later).
then i sat in my powerless house in the dark even though it was only, like, 5:30 and stared at the one candle i own and wondered why i don't own matches anymore. and then i did the only thing there is to do when you're sitting in the dark with no tv or computer or light source, i made some mental lists which i am now going to share with you.

list number one: the weirdest moments guys have chosen to send me "the vibe"
*after i'd outran electricity, "final destiny" style.
*after i put my dog to sleep.
*after dumping me.
*after finding out i was 13 years old.
*after i choked on a piece of orange chicken and coughed it up, sending it flying onto the table in front of me.
*after telling me how their son, who i went to high school with, is doing.
*after telling me a looong story about how they went off their meds, cheated on their wife and spent the weekend smoking pot.

list number two: things i apparently can live without (who knew?)
*diet coke (except when i have a cold and i tell myself diet coke is medicinal. i've been off the coke since may. in my world, that's huge.)
*reality tv (this is the one thing where i'm different than everyone else in america. and europe. and japan. on my best behavior i'm ambivalent. caught at my worst i go on weird, unprincipled rants with no valid point because truthfully i have no idea why i hate reality shows and i'm worried that it's because i hate people. or reality.)
*cereal
*a consistent income (i miss buying shoes)
*facebook
*"glee" (i keep forgetting it exists this season)

list number three: in contrast, things i apparently canNOT live without (who knew?)
*chocolate. (seriously, i can't stop eating it. i can't even go a day. i can't even cut down. and then my absolute lack of willpower bums me out and when i'm bummed out, i eat chocolate. vicious cycle!!)
*interacting with people on a daily basis. (right now i'm spending most of my days at home. this will not be something i do for the rest of ever. i talk to ziggy more than i feel comfortable admitting and eventually he gets bored with me and burrows under a blanket. so then i blatantly talk to myself.)
*tv on dvd. (i've been toying with the idea of giving up tv for a month but i can't commit to doing it. maybe i'll do it during december when the repeats are on.)

list number four: phrases from past conversations that i think could be great band names (read: mediocre indie band names)
*drunken onesies
*lori and the yahoos
*yelling at the dumbheads
*24 hours of geekitude
*single men don't go to heaven
*the essies


and that, kids, is what people did before electricity. they sat around and made lists of potential band names.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

books

i wouldn't consider myself an avid reader. i like to read and i usually have a fiction, a nonfiction, and an easy book going at the same time which sounds very impressive when said in a condescending tone and when not followed up with, "but it takes about a year to get through all three and i have to do a lot of rereading to remind myself who the characters are."

right now i'm trying desperately to get through a lincoln biography but every time i pick it up i have to skim through the first chapter to remember who all the people are and abraham lincoln hasn't even become a lawyer yet.
 
i just finished a really lousy anecdotal type book which made me want to write my own anecdotal book of rebuttals. it would be titled, "no, you are wrong" and it would be subtitled "and also you're foolish."
 
and then i'm still in the middle of the last of the "lord of the rings" trilogy. this has been going on for a while. i love the sam/frodo relationship. i read an article a few months ago (when i was also reading the last book of the "lord of the rings" trilogy) which argued that sam is obviously in love with frodo. and i was bugged. i mean, i like a good, complex relationship with hints of forbidden romantic tension as much as anybody BUT in this instance i think the brotherly love between sam and frodo is much more interesting. i would argue that brotherly (sisterly) love is one of the purest forms of love. it's unselfish and loyal. the idea that sam goes with frodo on this journey because he loves him like a brother, is loyal to him, and wants nothing in return is a lot more interesting to me than the idea that sam is romantically interested in frodo. it takes some of the selflessness out of it. and it makes sam less interesting. because seriously, how far into mordor would you go with your siblings, no questions asked? way farther than with the guy you have a secret, forbidden crush on.

wait, where was i going with this?

oh. ya. i'm also reading a vanity fair magazine.
i would totally follow joseph gordon leavitt to mordor.

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

my name is kat, and i improved this message

have you guys seen this ad?


that's an amazing strategy.
i have to ask you, doesn't it remind you of a moment on "30 rock" that i'm sure we all thought was satirical?


i have got to get on board this crazy train...

dear all you people who disagree with me politically,
you could totally send me a message by not voting today.
that would really put me in my place.
really.
yours,
kat

Friday, October 29, 2010

fall opinions

i hate election time. it finally occurred to me while reading through this year's voter information pamphlet that mostly i'm disappointed to never see sam seaborn's name on the ballot. tangent!: i'm so on board with "west wing" that it worries me. i'm afraid it somehow cancels out all my hard-hearted railings against frank capra movies. tangent!: also, jefferson smith is never on the ballot. (sometimes my tangents go full circle.) real life politics are all about choosing the lesser of two boredoms and what is the constitution party anyway? does it also have a elephant/donkey mascot? if not, i'd like to assign it one. i'm assuming the party members are obsessed with the framers so they'd either want the eagle, the dove, or the turkey. i'm going to suggest a combination. i give you...

the dorkle
i don't photoshop very often. can you tell?

i LOVE halloween. i will announce this every year as though it were news and i will announce it without shame. there's an episode of "freaks and geeks" where 14-year old sam convinces his friends to dress up and go trick-or-treating. it has something to do with either not wanting to grow up or not wanting to read "crime and punishment." 
so they get ready...
... and then, because this is "freaks and geeks", they have a horrible time in every conceivable way and sam decides he might as well grow up/read a book without pictures.
i had a similar* halloween experience in junior high- in fact, i think most kids have that halloween when they decide they're too old to walk around the neighborhood begging for candy- but i like to think that even though there are many things i continue to think i'm too old** for, i'll never be too old for fun. so 50 years from now when i show up at your door dressed as batman, i do not want to hear any lectures.
happy halloween! have fun this year.

*and when i say "similar" i mean it in the most general, almost dissimilar, kind of a way.
** the list includes: staying up all night, eating taco bell at 2 am, hanging up posters without frames, "lol"ing, "omg"ing and "wtf"ing.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

remember that one week where i blogged every day and i was really proud of myself because finally FINALLY the world was privy to all the fascinating things i had to say?
good times.
then everything got busy again "busy" probably isn't the right word but it will have to do.
i really wish i was the kind of person who can take stress and nervous energy and turn it into something motivating. something which, if turned into a cinematic montage, would involve scenes of me working and looking very serious. like, maybe i would take off my glasses and stare at my computer screen and then nod with approval at my own awesomeness and then it would switch to me running some sort of errand in an outfit drastically outside of any real person's price range but everyone would look past that fact, and then it would cut to me doing sit ups, and then to me at an interview shaking hands and being generally impressive and of course this entire thing would be backed up vocally by the incomparable chaka khan.
i've gone off message.
anyways, my reality is much more scattered, not necessarily useful in any way, and rarely involves sit ups. let's look at the facts.

accomplishments of the last month: 

1) i had a couple of job interviews, including one at a place i really liked. then at the final interview they asked me if i'd be willing to possibly eventually go to full time and i was not willing and i know i'm biased but if you put out an ad for a part-time job, should you be shocked if the person who responds to your ad wants a part-time job? the answer to that is yes, you can do whatever you want.
then they asked me about my career goals and that's when it really went to pot.

2) i had jury duty. it felt like a singles activity because everyone had to stand up one at a time and answer questions about themselves. we'd all sworn an oath, however, to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth... so in that way, it was nothing like a singles activity.
luckily, i did not make the final jury cut. thank heavens. 
and i was paid $18.50 for my time.

3) i learned how to knit.
4) and purl.
i now have 4 1/2 fingerless gloves of varying lengths and colors. i have yet to make pairs for any of them.

5) i decorated my house for halloween.
booyah!
6) i painted two pictures to hang in my house for halloween. one of michael jackson's "thriller" and one of the stay puft marshmallow man from "ghostbusters." neither of them turned out as magnificent as they were in my head but i'm amused each time i walk by them and that's basically all i need. 

7) i've been paying a lot of attention to the dog my next door neighbors have been watching. my neighbors are awesome, but they're rather notorious within my family for being our ultimate example of people who should not have pets. so naturally, i've been sneaking outside a few times a day to make sure the dog is, you know, being fed and isn't being left out in the rain right before the sun sets and temperatures drop.
i'm not crazy. my mother had me tested.

8) i bought some baby clothes at the dollar store.
9) and then sewed some flourishy things onto them so my sister wouldn't know i bought her baby clothes at the dollar store.

10) i've been trying to update my portfolio and i, of course, wound up putting a lot of left field pressure on myself to the point where i couldn't start anything because of how lame it was going to turn out and why was i so intent on ruining my future?? my future! it got really weird. i finally had to force myself to sit down and just paint something. anything. the first thing i could think of. 
what i'm saying is, does anyone want to buy a painting of a giraffe? 

11) i got sick for the first time in 5 years and whined about it profusely to anyone who would listen. even chevron boyfriend got an earful. 

12) i had it continually reinforced that when it comes to dating i am, quite frankly, dead inside. an example: at a church thing, i was chatting with my bishop when he disappeared for a few minutes and came back with a man for me. my new man explained that he'd spent the summer in the middle east and offered to tell me what that was like.
"nah, i've already got a guy like that."
then i asked him if he watched "30 rock."
he did not.

13) i made a latch-hook r2d2 pillow. 

14) i've been looking at wildlife volunteer programs in africa. 
ya... i don't have any rationale for this one. but if i ever get to write a blog entitled "christmas with the chimps" it will be a happy moment.

15) i babysat my 10 month old niece. 
she loves ziggy more than me and i'm pretty sure she will not be saying "kat's gorgeous" anytime soon.

16) i've started to come down with another cold and i am not okay with it. in fact, i've had more airborne and diet coke in the last 48 hours than i've had the rest of the year combined.
and i feel alive!!


this all makes for a different sort of a montage.

Friday, September 17, 2010

tuppence a bag

this year i got my gardening under control rather early and easily which meant i could turn my attention to... the birds.
i bought a bird feeder and a bag of bird seed and i found the perfect little area in my yard and i began to nurture the neighborhood birds. 
it quickly got out of control. i'm now nurturing a large, assorted flock of very fat birds that go through a 20 pound bag of bird seed every two weeks. 
midsummer, these fat birds learned a very harsh life lesson about complacency when the neighborhood cats found out about my yard. the flock became smaller and i felt accountable. for i was the one who let the birds get fat and complacent. i was the one who shielded them from the world so they weren't prepared to face its dangers. 

have you ever had the weight of dead quail babies on your soul??

i have tried to explain to the cats that my backyard isn't their personal hunting ground, but they don't listen to reason. every few days i'll hear the birds squawking in terror so i've now gotten in the habit of going outside and personally escorting the cats out of my yard (i've also received a lot of horrifying advice about keeping cats out of my yard, the worst of which involved a pellet gun. i'm choosing at this time to not share my opinion on this) whilst giving them a sound lecture.

a couple of days ago i heard the birds squawking in terror and when i looked out the window i saw a little brown head popping out of my columbines. i made my habitual groan, shook my fist at the sky and walked out into the yard. "kitten," i began in my stern, lecturing voice... and then i stopped in my tracks. 
because i wasn't lecturing a cat.
i was lecturing a falcon.




and it was in no mood for a lecture.

i wanted to take a picture of it as proof, but it flew up into my neighbor's pine tree and wouldn't come out.
not even when i held up ziggy as bait.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

yes. i blog about my dog. deal with it.

i had to take my car to the mechanic's the other day and since i don't live too far away, i walked home after i dropped it off. i forced ziggy to come with me for a few reasons: first, walking a dog is fun. it's relaxing. it's norman rockwell and apple pie. second, after any walk that lasts more than 10 minutes, ziggy passes out for the rest of the day and i can go about my business in peace. third, i realized early in our relationship that ziggy is the ultimate "canine" protection. do you know what's better than a dog that will attack a sketchy person? a dog that charms sketchy people into protecting you. i'm not kidding. it's the old cliche "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em." there is no context in which ziggy or i can beat anybody. so ziggy joins them and takes me with him.
it is uncanny. 

my 14 block walk up main street, detailed:
the first 2 1/2 blocks, ziggy and i were escorted by a man who i will not formally classify as  "a neonazi." during our walk together, he told me an anecdote which involved him smoking a bowl with his 17 year old son but before you judge his parenting skills i want you to bear in mind that his own father used to train rottweilers as fighting dogs by having them attack him. so, you know, there's that. ziggy had absolutely no problems with this man and as a result the man had no problem with me (thankfully), the uptight chick with the han solo button on her purse.

ziggy and i then walked a block with a lady going through chemo. ziggy tried to hitch a ride on her bike and took it personally when i held him back. 

we walked with three construction workers for a while who used to go watch greyhound races. ziggy relieved himself in front of them and i looked down at my feet in shame. 

we walked with a woman who'd just quit her job. this might surprise you but i empathized with her quite a bit.

ziggy stopped and sniffed three soldiers who had just had lunch. i stared down at my feet again because the only thing i could think to comment on was how they were all wearing kicky berets and that is not an appropriate thing to comment on to three army men. 

we walked with a business man who was obviously thinking about other things because he kept asking, "now, what kind of dog is that?" 

we talked to a man eating lunch on his balcony. it had a rather rapunzelish feel to it. 
except that i am not a prince. 
and he was completely bald.

and we walked for quite a while with a 90 year old widow who was getting ready to move back to california. she lives in the same building my grandparents used to live in. she tried to convert me to her church and wouldn't believe me when i said i was already a member. probably because i'm an uptight chick with a han solo button on my purse. regardless, she hugged and kissed me goodbye.


so don't worry about me, because i have a dog with mind-control powers.

Monday, September 13, 2010

cats

one of my favorite shows of all time is "newsradio." i quote it a lot and since most people haven't really watched it, they think i'm funny.
there's this one episode where the incompetent matthew earns the chance to go to the new hampshire primaries but of course he ends up not wanting to go to new hampshire and when asked why not he says, "um, ya... i have cats."

i am matthew.
partly because i'm incompetent.
mostly because i had a couple of "i have cats" conversations this weekend.

one of my favorite people was visiting this weekend and during dinner he asked if i was still yearning to move to arizona, land of warmth and sunshine and no winter inversions. 
and also no daylight savings.
i had a very weird, matthewesque reaction to his very natural question where i was like, "um, ya, i have cats." and okay, i don't have cats but i have family, and friends, and neighbors, and a place to live, and stuff to do, and a ziggy.
i doubt lincoln was looking for that fascinating glimpse into my psyche when he asked his question, but there you have it. 
cuz i'm keeping it real.

then yesterday i had a similar reaction. i went to a brunch and listened to, more than participated in, a conversation where these three girls talked about wanting to live outside of the country. they were very enthused. i sat there thinking about how much i don't want to move to a different country and learn a new language and prove that i can make it on my own. 
it would be really interesting and i'm sure it's the thing julia roberts movies are made of, but come on.
i have cats.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

i was watching an episode of "northern exposure" last night and i think i kind of resemble a moose.
i'm just saying.



do you ever play that game where you decide what animal people look like? i do- usually when i'm watching tv or really bored at church- but here's some advice... don't share your opinions because there is only one animal comparison people will be flattered by and that is the chipmunk.
or maybe a bunny.

i wish i had more to say.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

othergrandmother

during the last 37 years of blogging, i've talked a lot about my grandma (mom's mom) whom i lived with and also my grandfather (dad's dad) who kind of didn't like me, but i don't think i've ever talked about my other grandmother (dad's mom).
so let's get into it.
my grandmother is a sweet, funny woman who talks exactly like judy holliday in "born yesterday."

she grew up in the bronx with her brother, mother and cab driving, cuban stepfather. during ww2 she joined the w.a.c.s and that is when she met and married my grandfather. someday i'll put a clip on here of my grandfather telling the story of their first date. spoiler!: it involves my grandmother almost falling out of the airplane my grandfather was flying.

top that.


anyways, my grandmother and i had lunch together today (and by that i mean that i was visiting my grandmother when the "meals on wheels" lady made her delivery and gave me one of the extra meals she had (have you ever had pork with raisin sauce? neither had i)) and midway through the meal my grandmother had an epiphany. "oh, i know what's wrong," she said, "i don't have my teeth in!"
and then she stood up and left the room.
"hu," said i, and then i ate my apple sauce.
when my grandmother came back into the kitchen, she looked at my plate and said, "you're already finished?"
"well, ya. i already had my teeth in."

a while ago h recommended a movie where one of the young characters moves in with her grandmother at a retirement community and i was like, "yep, that's definitely a movie i would relate to."
and i watched it.
and it was definitely a movie i related to.

Monday, August 30, 2010

snob snubbing

i'm jinxing myself when i say this, but my unemployment has yet to feel like anything other than a vacation which, frankly, is not the best mentality to have as far as, you know, getting stuff done. 
as of tonight the hardest thing, really, has been adapting my small talk because i had one of the most fun sounding jobs on the planet. it made small talk much, much easier because if (when) the conversation lagged i could shout out "i work at a chocolate factory!!" and then the people would oooh and aaah and then i'd toss my hair and say, "ya... it's not a big deal."
my people skills are suspect.
anyways, i was thinking about it and i would say that 95% of the time my job-related small talk followed a very nice, safe, formulaic pattern, meaning we either talked about oompa loompas, or how contextually thin i am best conversation topic ever!.

which reminds me of a story which, sadly, is not about one of those conversations.

nope.

this is the story about the equally formulaic 5 percent subtraction! of the time type conversation.
quite a while ago i went to this party where i didn't really know anybody and i wound up having a conversation with this guy who didn't seem to like anything or anybody and could not wrap his brain around the fact that growing up i never skied or went boating. i finally had to have this weirdly candid moment where i explained to him that unlike him and all his siblings (i'd gone to high school with revertigo!), i'd grown up in the (very slightly) less affluent part of town middle class! where people didn't own boats. and instead of ski passes, my parents wisely bought me braces and piano lessons.
it was the better choice.
considering the situation, i felt i handled things rather adroitly adroitly!. and by that i mean i never brought up my suspicions that he has money to spend on skiing because he still lives with his parents is it you or your parents in this income tax bracket?.

and then the awkward silence fell. 

i'm sure you can tell that it was only a matter of time before i pulled out my safety topic.
"i work at a chocolate factory!!"
that's when i found out i was talking to a self proclaimed "chocolate snob." again i say the 5% conversation is just as formulaic as the 95% conversation. with the added chore of being super annoying. he talked very condescendingly about antioxidants. he talked about another local chocolate maker who is just, like, totally passionate about his product and you can completely tell, and it's all about higher end products and nobody who knows anything about quality chocolate would ever eat hersheys cue: me, lifting up the bag of hershey's kisses i'd brought to the party--- and i tolerated his little rant and smiled smirked politely but here's the thing, i've worked at a chocolate factory for 7 years, i've been to thirty bajillion trade shows where i have, at times been known to stalk food network "stars", i actually know and have worked with most of the local chocolatiers, and i like to think i've tried a wider variety of chocolate than the average person. this is why i feel i can say with confidence and perhaps even some authority that chocolate is good.
that's it.
it's good. it tastes good.
and i promise you that anyone who tries to make much more of the situation is selling something princess bride!.

i walked away from the conversation more bothered than i probably should have been because it was so indicative of what i've felt surrounded by the last couple of years, self proclaimed snobs. i'm tired of dealing with it in others and i'm tired of seeing it in myself. chocolate snobs, music snobs, grammar snobs... they're everywhere, they're taking over and they disdain me, what with my hershey's kisses, and my huey lewis, and my persistence in starting most of my sentences with "and!"
and i just want to ask, at what point is it okay to like stuff? unabashedly and nonironically? this isn't about having an opinion or stating a preference because that i love. it's about, first of all, defining yourself entirely by what you don't like and second, not just disliking something but disliking the people who like it.


first of all, yes, what i'm saying is that i dislike people who dislike stuff. 

second, since that party i've been trying to dial down my own inner snob by about a thousand... and it's hard... you know, because my default position is snark. it's basically a work in progress. i will say this, though, when i'm able to shut up my inner snob i wind up having amazing moments like this...


and i am so not being ironic.

Friday, August 06, 2010

29

my birthday is tomorrow and the prospect of turning 29 is bringing out my crazy.
it has nothing to do with getting older (seriously, bring on my thirties. bring it!). i just can't seem to shake the thought that this is the last year of my twenties (in my head, vincent price is saying it) and it's making me think.
and you know what happens when girls like me start thinking...

additionally, i'm right in the middle of an overwhelmingly busy few weeks. i put in my two weeks notice at work last week and somewhere around wednesday, the endorphin high wore off and now there's just panic. and darkness.
and really well-intentioned psychological monkey torture from all fronts.

it's great.

so, i have this mondo to-do list that has somehow morphed into a to-do loop. it's like the wyld stallyn paradox...

my to-do loop usually starts with me looking for a mac os x upgrade and gradually spirals into loopy madness. about 10 minutes later the only thing my brain can do to escape the loop is let the birthday crazy interrupt with something weird and random like "i should totally take tap dancing lessons!"
or
"taco bell! i should go to taco bell!"
or
"i'm going to get another dog!"
or
"how much does botox even cost?"

at this point, i'd like to take a moment to talk about what has happened to my analogy. from what i can tell, there is one side of me having a birthday related breakdown. this side of me finds it necessary to- in grand, mr. roper from "three's company" style- constantly burst in on the bill & ted, unemployed, other side of me and say something nonsensical.
uh hu. yep. sure.
i guess i just wanted you to know that i know that at some point in my rambling, something went very wrong.

i suspect everything will be fine once my birthday is over with and i'm done working insane, overtimey hours and i stop getting life advice from people who really don't think i am in any way a capable person.


you do know that our ability to find our own pain amusing is the only thing that separates us from the beasts, don't you?
and by "beasts" i mean "people on reality tv shows."

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

avocado

this is ziggy...



i have this theory. that ziggy...
is a dog.

i've been basing my whole relationship with ziggy off of this canine assumption. i take him on walks, feed him dog food, put him in dog training class so that after 6 months of class i can go through this process...

"sit, ziggy."



"ziggy. hey. ziggy."



"sit."



"no. ziggy. i said, 'sit.' are you listening to me?"



"sigh... fine."



"stand there... good boy."

as i was saying, i've been assuming for the last few years that ziggy's a dog but a neighborhood tomcat has openly decided to challenge my ruling. i don't have a picture of the cat but he is huge and beautiful and in love with ziggy.
i know it's love because of the late night "mreeeooooowwww"ing outside the window and the gifts left on our doorstep (dead mouse, dead sparrow) and the general always aroundyness of the tomcat. there is something very real going on and i don't know how to break it to ziggy's boyfriend that ziggy is probably a dog.


you know how an avocado is technically a fruit and we all know it and we've seen the proof but still, when it comes down to it, we consider it a vegetable?
ya, ziggy is an avocado.

Friday, June 04, 2010

weave, seek, help: too tall for vegas

this post is dedicated to all the "of all"s i have swarming through my head on a daily/nightly/not-really-nightly basis.

the first of all is, did you guys watch "community" this season? because it is hilarious. by far my favorite new show because it involves "ghosting," wanting to "can't be me love" a.k.a. "love don't cost a thing" a person, a paintball apocalypse, and an argument that ended with the line, "for the record, there was an episode of 'happy days' where a guy literally jumped over a shark! and it was the best one!"
i want to marry chevy chase, hang out on the "community" set, befriend the guy who plays "abed" and force him to always be in character and answer to the name abed. it is a four-step plan.
a weird, bordering on psychotic, four-step plan.


second of all, it is impossible to debate a political issue with someone whose main rebuttal is, "well, i don't believe that's true." ...yet i persist.
a closely related third of all, saying you agree with glen beck on everything and to the same degree is not something you say with pride. you should say it with downcast eyes and shrugged shoulders. you should say it in the same tone i use when i admit how much i love the show "my lovely sam-soon" (don't worry, i'll explain when i get to fourth of all). third of all, part b, using scriptures to prove a political point makes you look crazy. god wants me to own guns?

fourth of all, i'm totally addicted to this korean show called "my lovely sam-soon." my love for it is inexplicable but very, very real. the main character is apparently a fat and frumpy spinster. this is what she looks like...

what's that? which one is she? well obviously she's the one holding the cake. frumpy! i feel i need to point out that the guy with the flower in his mouth is sam-soon's love interest but he has yet to eat flowers during the show. the other guy is my future husband.
fourth of all, part rant, you know, i've always heard that truly interesting people don't watch tv because it's a waste of time and instead of watching fictional people do interesting things, we should all be out doing interesting things ourselves... pfft, whatever, i love television. besides, have you ever talked to a person who doesn't ever watch tv? because i have and they're not that interesting. last year was especially bountiful- it was the year i found "freaks and geeks" (thanks, revamped79), "west wing" (thanks, mom), and "battlestar galactica" (thanks, all you people who had a tinge of shame in your voice when you let it slip that you were skipping out of work early to catch the season premiere)- but i'm having good luck this year as well. did you know that "m*a*s*h" is actually really funny?

fifth of all, i mentioned last blog that both my hotmail and facebook accounts were hacked last week. it was very annoying to go through the process of dehacking everything however, once i got back into everything i was totally amused at how lame the hacker's evil plan was. hacker changed my facebook status to "i'm back." that's a very mild brand of evil. i mean, come on, hacker! you can do better than that. hacker also sent out the following email to all my hotmail contacts (sadly, hacker put all the addresses in wrong so only, like, three people received this)...

"It is with deep sorrow and broken heart that am sending you this mail. Am in deep need and my situation is lamentable. my family and I decide to come visit Wales,United Kingdom for a short vacation. To our greatest dismay we were attacked and ripped apart at the park of the hotel where we were lodging,all cash,credit cards and mobiles were forcefully robbed off us at gun point but we still have our passports with us.

"We've seek help at embassy and high commission,the Police too, unfortunately they have been unable to help or offer any reasonable support whatsoever. Our flight leaves in couple of hour from now but we are being held to ransom by the hotel management because we cannot settle the hotel bills. It is clear we would not be allowed to leave until we do so. Word cannot explain the anguish in my heart now. I am in need of immediate assistance."
yep. sounds just like me. fifth of all sidenote: if you say the phrase, "we've seek help" enough times it starts to sound like a mantra. "weave... seek... help." i'm thinking of making that the working title of my memoirs. but if i do that, i'm going to have to invest in a loom.

sixth of all, i spent memorial day weekend (is it supposed to be "memorial day weekend" or "memorial weekend?" i want to know.) in vegas with two of my favorite ladies. i've never spent any non-stopover time in vegas before so this was pretty exciting for me what with the shows and the food and the shopping and the dancing and the actual, not messing around with you sunshine. that's right, utah. sunshine! here's the thing, though. i am too tall for vegas (alternate working title for my memoirs). there were comments, there were stares, there was full on grabbing me by my shoulders and saying, "you're sooo tall!" and when we went dancing, the five other tall people and i were like meerkats.

it reminded me of how my family and i never worried about losing each other in crowds.

it's a thing.

Monday, May 03, 2010

humor. and whatnot.

i haven't posted for a good, long while. i doubt you've noticed but, believe me, i have.

actually, i have many, many half-written blogs in the docket but i haven't been able to get one to the point where i'm okay sending it out into the unforgiving internet maw. mostly because everything i write seems to quickly degenerate into a rant. i'm not quite sure who i'm ranting to but i am great at it. one of my secret/not-so-secret dreams is to steal andy rooney's job (another one of my secret dreams is to be one of the voice over people for kung fu movies (have you seen "drunken master"?)) and i'm proud to say that i am exactly one bushy pair of eyebrows away from living that dream.

today i'll try to de-brow for a sec and talk about friendship and i have high hopes of finishing my thought because both my hotmail and facebook accounts were hacked over the weekend (by the way, i am not in wales, united kingdom. also, i was not attacked and ripped apart at the park of my hotel although, if you think about it, that would have been lamentable.) and if i don't write this blog, i'll have to actually do my job (lamentable!).

more than a month ago i spent the day in san francisco.
not in a good way.
in a work way.
which means i spent four hours in the air, a couple of hours in the airport and 57 hours on the bart for a two hour meeting in a hotel lobby.
why are people never jealous of my fabulous, jet-setting life? am i not selling it?
three things salvaged the day... 1) the super duper mega sale at anthropologie, 2) the avocado egg rolls i had for lunch and still dream about, and 3) the book i brought with me. i managed to bring the perfect airplane book. entertaining, easy to open up and get back into every time i found myself on some form of public transportation, and in no way political or endorsed by oprah.
harold ramis- writer of "ghostbusters", "caddyshack" and "groundhog day"- is responsible for my favorite piece of advice,
"identify the most talented person in the room and, if it isn't you, go stand next to him."
okay. first things first, i want you to imagine the room where harold ramis is not the most talented person.
no really, i want you to think about it.

who do you even go stand by?

moving on. when i read that sentence, i was all, "mr. ramis, please." because that is how i live my life. there aren't many rooms where i fancy myself the most talented, intelligent, or entertaining person, and i'd love to say that i make up for it with hustle or moxie -because those are the qualities every cary grant movie is made of- but it's a lie. we all know i've never had anything akin to either moxie or hustle but! what i lack in hustle and moxie, i make up for in standing somewhat awkwardly in the corner. (just try and base a cary grant film around that quality. i dare you.)
luckily, i do have an ability i'm proud of. something i will now refer to as the "ramis principle." i have a knack for spotting awesome. in fact, in my mind, i get full credit for all the entertaining people i know because at some point i saw them, mentally dubbed them "awesome" and then forced my way into their lives.

now, you can try and tell me how, odds are, one friendly person will get along with another friendly person and i will want to agree with you but deep down i know the truth about my gift. because, yes, i can get along with most people until the cows come home and then i can get along with the cows, but there is a unique subset of personality that i revel in and being able to spot it and then go stand next to it is one of the saving graces of my existence.

do you see what happens when i don't have access to email or facebook?

Monday, April 12, 2010

a couple of months ago i decided to give up diet coke. there are many reasons to give up caffeinated soda, some of them good and some of them stupid.
things that are NOT helping me to give up the diet coke:
1. other beverages
2. my computer screen
3. the spice girls song playing on the radio
4. florescent lights
5. halogen lights
6. the sun
7. ibuprofin
8. chocolate
9. people on the freeway
10. people in my office
11. people
12. your face

things that ARE in fact helping me to give up the diet coke:
...


the end.

Friday, January 15, 2010

letter of resignation

dear "all the unanswered emails in my hotmail/yahoo/gmail inbox",

i am veryplease see footnote 1 busyfootnote 2 and importantfootnote 3.

love, kat.



footnote 1. please read: "kind of"

footnote 2. please read: "bored"5

footnote 3. please read: "defeated"4

4. and i'll tell you why7. my job is a nightmare6.

5. no surprise there, though. am i right36?

6. no surprise there, though. am i right17?

7. earlier this week, my boss came into my office for one of our bi-annualish awkward dtwr21's which is mostly a battle against passive aggression where i get quizzed about why our website isn't up yet8, asked what singles ward i'm going to and if i'm dating anyone, and if i feel i should be doing more for the company and then after 45 minutes the conversation veers suddenly to me being asked if i want to start selling products and having my own accounts9 and i die of flabbergastation50.

8. and all i can do is repeat12 this simple, truthful answer, "as soon as i get a list of products you want to sell and pricing for them, i'll start putting it together".

9. it was bewildering10 as well as awkward15.

10. until my office compatriot46 called me the next night14 to tell me she'd found out the owner of our company was secretly sending his brother11 and distant cousin11 to a candy show in germany43 next week16.

11. and his wife

12. i said it 8 times during our talk.

13. she's the person in charge of all our sales. and all our sales reps.

14. we had been analyzing my dtwr21 during the day.

15. but that's a given.

16. however they have not as of yet said anything openly.

17. in fact, i know it frustrates many of you to hear me constantly whining about how i hate my job18.

18. because i never do anything about it20.

19. and let me be clear. i was never expecting to go. that's not what this is about. the owner of the company can send who he wants to send. it's his company. but this whole thing, this whole trip to germany that they've had to have been planning for months, they're doing secretly. they know bob13 should be the one going. and since they chose to be weird and secretive about it, they also know that when bob finds out she will most likely quit which is why they're having ambiguous conversations with me about taking over her13 job.

20. but, see, here's my sad rationalization. my job allows me a complete lack of commitment. it isn't a career. it doesn't require a work ethic. and frankly it seduces me with its lack of ties and obligations. and since i have no life plan30 whatsoever, it usually seems easier to ignore the lame ass situations than to figure out what to do with my life23.

21. "define the work relationship22"

22. not, like our work relationship29, but like my relationship with the company.

23. because thus far i've been a huge failure at figuring out what to do with my life. i come up with these plans that sound really good and have a logical progression to follow but then i can't even seem to make step one happen and i, like, go to a job interview which actually isn't too traumatizing31 and even though i'm not sure if it's my thing, it's in salt lake and the pay is good but then i don't get the job, which is fine because i wasn't sure it was my thing, but for the next couple of days i feel like i have absolutely no control over what happens to me32 or that maybe my life is destined to be slightly less than adequate due to any of the less than brilliant choices i've made in the last seven years28, and24 maybe that higher being i believe in has had enough of me being sub standard.

24. i do not like to go here25 but

25. in my blog or even in my head26.

26. but i've already become much more candid in this entry than i'd planned47. apparently i needed to vent51.

27. in fact, i'll probably disable the comments, because i don't want to stick people with unspeakable strange task of commenting48 on what has become my infamous 50+ footnote episode.

28. when i was actually allowed to start making my own choices.

29. because, um, ew.

30. i spent the first 21 years of my life convinced that i'd be married by age 2133. that was my life plan. i don't recommend this life plan to any girl for several reasons which are fairly obvious.

31. which is important on it's own, not traumatizing merits because ever since this, i've been phobic about job interviews.

32. it's about here in my thought process that i ate 11 mini donuts.

33. i even had a timeline.

34. and since i'm now whining about everything that went wrong last week, i got towed thursday night, which, well ya, it sucked44, but didn't really make me mad or frustrated, it just added to this tired42 feeling.

35. please read: "i". this is me talking myself up39.

36. and you know what? the office manager girl here is annoying and if she asks me one more time if i've finished up the private label truffle pricesheet somebody is going to have to remove all the sharp objects37 from my office because i swear on my newly completed joss whedon collection i will throw something at her.

37. and probably all the blunt objects too.

38. which is basically the point of my rambling. that after a long week of whatever last week was full of, i am so just tired.

39. even though a girl on friday34 looked at a candy bag and said, "um, no offense, but couldn't anybody do this40?"

40. probably. yes.

41. you know how people use their blogs for therapy? well, welcome to one of my sessions27.

42. and resigned to the suckitude38.

43. in october i went to boston to meet with our biggest customer. our biggest customer by far. they buy millions of dollars of candy bags each year. my compatriot46 got this account and the main reason they continue buying candy each year is because we35 create packaging specifically for them and we change it every year. the buyer at said company told us about a annual candy show in germany which is "the candy show of the year" and recommended we go. we told the owner about it who promptly told us it wouldn't be possible. which wasn't surprising19.

44. although, to quote my mom's response to my towing story, maybe i've learned my lesson about the towing companies abide by the law45.

45. by towing me from a "no parking after midnight" zone at 12:08.

46. let's call her "bob"13

47. seriously though, what started out as a light hearted romp into footnotes has turned very emotional41. i feel awkward on behalf of you all but mostly i feel awkward on behalf of me because i wasn't really aware of how i felt about most of this.

48. because do you, like, make a joke about it49? do you empathize? do you try and quell your frustration with my inability to simply quit my job and find a better one, and instead leave an encouraging comment vowing secretly to shake me later?

49. personally i'd opt for the joke.

50. not the best of made up words.

51. but you know, this whole vent event has been good. and i'll tell you why, because i didn't end up sending this to one of my unfortunate unanswered email people to deal with on their lonesome. now that would've been awkward.

Monday, January 04, 2010

reunion

i'm lousy when it comes to history. the memorizing of fascinating dates and interesting places... this is not in my arsenal, but i tell myself it's okay because when it comes to the people and places i personally deal with, my memory is extremely reliable. in fact, when it comes to matching up names and faces, i'm pretty awesome.
because my memory really likes faces.
so last week, when i ran into someone who looked vaguely familiar and seemed to recognize me, i wasn't surprised when my memory told me his name. i was surprised when my memory then took off. as in, left the building. locking the door behind it. laughing maniacally and leaving me to fend for myself in this cold, cruel world.

i then had a five minute conversation with a person who seemed genuinely upset that i didn't remember him. upset and content to watch me squirm. it went just about as badly as a conversation could go and this mystery man cut me no slack. when he finally walked away, i crumpled down in a chair next to a girl pretending to read a magazine. she looked over at me and said, "wow."
i nodded and said, "i'm actually sweating through my shirt."
"ya," she said, "that was bad."
"it was. it was really bad."
"ya. it was."
and then we sat in silence.

see, and at first i was embarassed. then i worked my way to annoyed. then i decided this guy was obviously a jerk and i might as well forget him again and then i was content.
THEN, three days later, my memory came back for a visit just long enough to make me suspicious of something. i looked through my journal from 10 years ago and yes, it's confirmed, i officially don't remember people i go on dates with.

more importantly, how is it that i turn out to be the bad guy so often in my own stories?