Friday, December 26, 2008

whilst purchasing a christmas eve diet coke my chevron boyfriend, who always has something to say to me no matter which incarnation of myself he thinks i am, looked me up and down and said, "you look different today."
"i look different?"
"ya. different."
"different how?"
"i don't know. different."
"... different bad?"
"no!" reassured the homeless man who had jumped out of the dumpster and followed me into the chevron, "not different bad, different great!"
"okay. thanks. happy holidays."

and all i'm saying is that a guy who was rummaging through garbage needed to reassure me that i'm pretty.

what is wrong with me?

Thursday, December 11, 2008

when i was 17, my parents finally got cable. it marked a turning point in my life.
goodbye public television. hello mtv.
besides "daria" and "real world: seattle: the one where a girl gets lyme disease: and this other guy slaps her: but despite the ticks and the drama i was still convinced living in seattle would be awesome: did you know there's a market where they throw fish?: they just throw the fish!: through the air!: did you know this em?" and that one dating show with jenny mcarthy and that late night show with dr. drew that i never actually watched because, let's get real here, installing cable hadn't robbed my parents of their mental abilities.
there was also this game show where contestants tried to keep a straight face while comedians did mini stand up routines and if they managed not to laugh they won money. it was called, like, "don't you dare laugh" or "laugh it up" or "laugh, dangit!" and maybe it wasn't on mtv maybe it was on comedy central.
i have a mind like a steel trap!

this morning i was reading about the golden globe nominations and apparently "tropic thunder" got some "noms" and people were surprised yet delighted.
my mind immediately went to this random gem from a few months ago and rewatching it makes me want to sit people down in front of it and say "if this doesn't make you smile, i will pay you 20 dollars."

ah, the pips...
laugh, dangit!

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

dear friends, family, and friends of family,

i feel compelled to ask a favor of you. i don't particularly want to do it via blog because of the potential for tacky but i also don't want to call everyone up either because when i'm interrupted mid rant i'll probably say something like, "um, i believe i had the floor" and whoever i'm talking to will be like "what is this, a phone philibuster?" and i'll be like "i did not yield the floor for a question!" and then i'll get hung up on.
so, let's get started with a confession.

i hate christmas.

exhale saying that felt really good.
as a kid i'm sure i liked christmas because of the toys and the decorations and the lack of school, but there are some things from christmas past i think back to and cringe over. so in retrospect, i don't know that i was ever all that into the season.

as an adult- an adult with a job at a holiday dependent company (there used to be a very long rant here about work but i deleted it and you are welcome). and a budget. and family of old people who "don't want anything" for christmas because they're "going to die any minute now" probably while they're shoveling their sidewalk at six in the morning because they are CRAZY and won't wait for me to wake up even though i'm totally willing to do it i'm just not a morning person.
yes, as an adult- i hate christmas.

and really, when it comes down to it, there is nothing i want or need. or even want to need. nothing. except for that one seemingly unattainable thing i've wanted for ever so long. i want to not stress over christmas. i want to spend the two pre-christmas days i have after work finally cools off NOT running around like a crazy person.
which is why i'm trying something new this year.
i'm not buying any christmas presents this year. i don't want to. sorry, but i really dislike christmas shopping. plus i'm bad at it. i figured out how much i spend on christmas presents every year and this year i'm taking that money and giving half to primary children's hospital and half to best friends animal rescue and i'm calling it good. i wish i was doing it out of altruism and a wish for peace on earth. because that would be cool. but i'm not that person.
i know it.
you know it.
and i know you know it.

now- family. friends. and family of friends. -for the favor.
first of all, please don't buy me a present this year because it will make me feel like a jerk when i'm like, "wow thanks for the awesome gift you so thoughtfully and painstakingly bought for me... a donation has been made in your name to the children and animals... so... um... did is suddenly get awkward in here?"
and secondly, please cut me some slack. if i seem like a whiner or a procrastinator or a humbug, well, then my attempts at keeping things real have worked. i get that i'm being selfish about this and i should be able to rise above the stress of the season like everyone else to show my loved ones i'm thinking about them, but i'm hoping you won't really mind and you'll take the money you would have spent on me and buy yourself something great. then if you want, take a picture of it and send the picture to me with the message, "a donation has been made in your name to my awesomeness."

which you have to admit is a great idea for a christmas present.

thanks for understanding,


Monday, December 08, 2008

eba gurin

there are many, many, yes many times when i have the distinct feeling that throughout the course of the day my mind has been removed, translated into japanese, then translated back into english and placed back in my head.
like a vcr manual.
and things don't quite come out right.
this is why i have a very strict rule forbidding in depth conversations after 10pm because i'll inevitably say something that- in the short distance between my brain and my mouth- comes out all retranslated and then i spend the next fifteen minutes trying desperately to undo what i did which turns out to be impossible because everything starts coming out in vcr manual.

"hey, kat. how are you?"
"ok, i guess. work is a nightmare but there is a light at the end of the tunnel so i just need to power through for two more weeks. 仕事は悪夢だが、そこはトンネルの終わりに光のように私は権力の座にさらに2週間を通じて必要がありますthe work nightmare, but there's light at the end of the tunnel, i like to power through the need for two weeks."
"um... ok, i guess."
"oh. what did you do this weekend?"
"well, grandma and i went on our weekly grocery shopping trip which took almost four hours because grandma had cabin fever and was not in the mood to be rushed. when i got home i hung up all the clothes on my bedroom floor and thought about painting my living room but ended up laying on the couch and watching "casino royale" with subtitles because i can never understand what eva green is saying. 祖母と私は祖母とキャビンフィーバーしていたため、急いでする気分でないにあったが、ほぼ4時間かかった私たちの毎週の食料品の買い物旅行に行った。家に帰って私が私の寝室の床の上にあるすべての洋服掛けと塗装についての私の考えが、リビングルームのソファで敷設終了したと言っているので、何エバグリーン字幕を理解することはできない"カジノロワイヤル"を見ている. my grandmother and my grandmother and i had cabin fever, so do not feel like you were in a hurry, but it took nearly four hours weekly of us went to the grocery shopping trip. i came back home in my bedroom on the floor and painted all hanger that i think about the end of laying on the couch in the living room and say, so i can understand the subtitles EBAGURIN not "KAJINOROWAIYARU" looking at."
"you heard me! 私の耳に!in my ear!"
"ya. i have to go."
"oh. okay. bye!"

this might be an exaggeration to prove my very valid point.

kajino rowaiyaru!

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

thankgiving 2008: adventures in censorship

in times of war, it's the custom to censor the letters from soldiers to their loved ones to assure sensitive information isn't revealed to the enemy. i don't know how long this has been in place but here's an example of a highly censored letter from 1917...


now, i'm not saying i'm in a war zone.
but if i were to write the traditional, family thanksgiving dialogue, i would have to censor out a lot to avoid getting phone calls from said traditional family.
so i'm taking the safest road possible...
happy thanksgiving!