Thursday, March 30, 2006

revelations

i'm going to reveal something about myself that i'm sure none of you know...

i'm insecure about my height.

i know, i know.
shocking.

i suppose there were signs... like my extensive flip flop collection, and my fear of standing next to those measuring tape things on the doors at 7/11, and my refusal to join the ward choir because they'd make me stand in the back with the boys...

and although i manage to keep my insecurity hidden under a very thick blanket of smoothness and grace, it's there. sitting. latent. but ready to pounce.
like a tiger.
or something else equally pouncey.

it pounced the other day. when i was invited to go salsa dancing this weekend.

oh! which reminds me. there's something else i'm sure none of you know...

i have a love of "the dance".

i know, i know.
i'm just full of surprises today.

i love dancing. i love it in all forms. i love to dance at clubs. i love to dance by myself while i'm cleaning. i love to foxtrot, and swing dance, and even at times line dance. i love tap, and ballet, and hip hop. i love dancing movies. i love gene kelly.

and although i keep my love of the dance hidden under a very thick blanket of smoothness and grace, it's there. sitting. latent. but ready to pounce.
like mikhail baryshnikov.
or something else equally pouncey.

it pounced the other day. when i was invited to go salsa dancing this weekend.

so the question we all have to ask ourselves is, which will win? the insecurity, or the dance?

because the insecurity is telling me that if i go, i'll end up sitting in the corner.
but the love chimes in that maybe patrick swayze will come in and say "nobody puts baby in the corner."
but then the insecurity interupts and reminds me that, first of all, my name ain't baby, it's kathryn ("miss jackson if you're nasty!"). and also, i'm taller than patrick swayze.
so the love says, "why do you have to be so negative all the time?"
and the insecurity says, "i'm just keepin' it real."
and the love says, "that's the dumbest thing i've ever heard."
and somewhere around this point, i put my headphones on and listen to my violent femmes cd.

because if that doesn't drown out the voices in my head, i don't know what will.

what was the point of this blog? oh. ya. revelations.
i'm going to reveal something about myself that i'm sure none of you know...

i am a huge freak.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

amputee

stuck in my head: "the farmer in the dale".
i used to feel bad for the cheese standing alone.
who am i kidding.

i usually was the cheese.
reason 17 why i should probably get health insurance sometime soon...

this morning i woke up, got out of bed and stepped on the gift my cousin gave me this past thanksgiving
.
.
.




only boring people have all 10 toes.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

the moment

this may or may not be a sick, sad distraction tactic because i have writer's block.
you be the judge.

a lot of times you don't realize how much fun you're having at the time...














...and you don't realize how amazing your family is at the time...




...and you don't realize how amazing being by yourself can be at the time...




when it comes to being "in the moment" i hope everyone's not as idiotic as me.
thank goodness for cameras.

Monday, March 27, 2006

dreams

listen.
all i'm saying is that when you watch "take care of my cat", "rize" and "bride and prejudice" in a 24 hour period, you're bound to have some strange dreams.
that's all i'm saying.

familial

stuck in my head: "no life without wife" (from the movie "bride and prejudice")
i don't want to talk about it.

reason #3 billion why my family could kick your family's trash...


i was talking on the phone with my grandmother yesterday and she was telling me a story about how she spent an hour trying to thread her sewing machine and couldn't do it and then she said, "so anyways, i've decided that when i die you'll get my sewing machine."
and i was all, "wait. what?"
"when i die, i want you to have my sewing machine."
"but i don't sew."
"i told your mother that i want you to have it."
"but i don't sew."
"i'll leave the instructions for the sewing machine inside the drawer."
"but... sigh... thanks grandma."
"you're welcome."

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

i'm so bored in the USA

this is what the typical human brain looks like...

in contrast, this is my brain...


any questions?

me me me

my "me me me list"...

Five Movies You Can Watch Over and Over:
1. "what's up doc"
2. "sleepless in seattle"
3. "billy madison"
4. "zoolander"
5. "the incredibles"

Five embarrassing Songs that You Know All the Words To:
1. "shoop" salt n peppa
2. "the big butt song" sir mixalot
3. "oh canada"
4. "sunrise, sunset" fiddler on the roof
5. "let's hear it for the boy" footloose

Five Memorable Halloween Costumes:
1. i don't remember any of my halloween costumes pre-turning 20. i think i was a gypsy once when i was like 6.
2. angel (age 20)
3. member of the rock band "table 9" (age 21)
4. tooth fairy (age 23)
5. cleopatra (age 24)

Five Celebrities You Believe May Secretly be Alien:
1. al roker
2. flavor flav
3. nick nolte
4. charo
5. dennis rodman

Five Occupations that You Know You Could Never Do:
1. rapper
2. door-to-door salesman
3. entomologist
4. supermodel
5. butcher

Five Books You've Recently Read Outside of Schoolwork:
1. wuthering heights, emily bronte
2. zula, toni morrison
3. lord of the flies, william golding (?)
4. things fall apart, chinua achebe
5. to draw closer to god, henry b eyering

Five Ways to Perfectly Spend an Afternoon:
1. in the pool
2. playing softball
3. movie marathon
4. playing ddr
5. road tripping

Five Lines You Blatantly Stole From a Movie, TV, a Commercial, or Song:
1. "these berries taste like burning!" -ralph from the simpsons
2. "first name's 'mister', middle name's 'period', last name's 't'!" -mr. t on "silver spoons"
3. "i don't know what caffeine does, but i'm pretty sure that without it... your head caves in." -newsradio
4. "i brought you into this world and i can take you OUT!" -cosby show
5. "i gave her my heart... and she gave me a pen." -say anything

Not Your 5 Favorite Foods, But the 5 You're Most Likely Eating:
1. diet coke with lime
2. dark chocolate
3. wendys combo meal #6
4. winterfresh gum
5. hostess donettes

5 People who should do this:
1. linko
2. barnesy
3. ben
4. spliz
5. howzett

To play. Put a link to your blog in the comments or if you don't have one, leave some responses in the comments.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

if you think that then you are wrong!

ok.
so this one time in high school, this guy asked me to go to a dance.
and apparently he knew i hadn't been asked to it yet.
so he asked me.
and apparently i told him i couldn't go because i'd already made plans to go spend the weekend with my sister who was at college in provo.
but apparently he knew that was a big, fat lie.
because apparently i hadn't made the plans until after he had asked me to the dance.
and aren't i a jerk.

a lousy, dirty jerk.

you know, and i'm really glad i can tell you folks this story today because... well... i'd forgotten it.
but apparently this guy has not.
and when he runs into people who know me, apparently he likes to tell them that story.
about how i said no to a date.

SEVEN FRICKIN' YEARS AGO!!

!

!!

sometimes i forget the effect i have on men.
it is my gift, but also my curse.


seriously though, i'm trying to think of something i'm still bitter about from high school...

Thursday, March 16, 2006

thoughts

smtmz thngk thngz wd b môr klîr f rt f-ntk-l.

n sometizzles i think th'n would be pusha if i wrote like snoop dizzogg. fo shizzle.

A
nd oft times I am wholly convinced I would appear progressively genteel if I perchance were to epistolize in the style of the Bronte sisters.


and sometimes i think things would be prettier if i wrote in technicolor.


but mostly i think, "what should i eat for lunch?"

Monday, March 13, 2006

palaver

a few days ago i was small talking with someone i'd just met and in my attempt at witty bantering i used the word "insouciant", and the conversation came to an immediate halt.
"what did you say?"
"um... insouciant. hehe... so anyways..."
"insouci-what?"
"insouciant."
"i have never heard that word before!"
"it's no big deal. it's just a word i use sometimes."
"what does it mean?"
"um... like, nonchalant. or carefree."
"hu."
"so, anyways..."
"how do you spell it?"
"i don't know. i-n-s-o-u--something. s-i-e-n-t. or maybe c-i-e-n-t."
"here, let me write it down. is it french?"
"i don't know.
"i have never heard that word before!"
"okay."

and then he stood up and walked away.

i have got to work on my people skills.
seriously.
maybe there's a class i can take or something.
like a "how to not scare off people with your vocabulary that you pretty much only have because you obsessively watch 'newsradio'" class.


by the way, don't you just love mo rocca and michael ian black? of course you do.
i hope vh1 never runs out of things for them to provide commentary on.
i wonder if they ever used to scare people with their vocabulary?

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

emotikats

today's emoticons are trite, insipid, and jejune. we all know it. we all sit in our cubicles, secretly im-ing on precious company time, wishing there was something to make our anecdotes more vivid, our days fuller, our lives worth living again!
which is why it gives me great pleasure to offer you emotikats*!
"just like emoticons but with kat!"**
they make even the most bizarre story more interesting. just watch...


i went to a job interview on monday. jeremy led me back into a big glass office, sat down in his desk, and stared at me.
"tell me about yourself", he said.
i put on my "trying to make a good first impression" face...



"well... i was born and raised in salt lake city but i moved out here for school and now i work at a chocolate factory where i design their packaging. but mostly i just eat chocolate."
jeremy stared, his gold chains gleaming in the office light.
i kept going. "um... i have one older sister who lives in boston.
jeremy stared, his buzz cut hair gleaming in the office light.
i kept going. "um... i went skiing for the first time ever a couple of weeks ago."
jeremy stared, his cheap cologne gleaming in the office light.
i stared back.



there was a knock on the door...
"aughh! i can't believe someone would interupt me during an interview!... get the door."
hu.
i opened the door and some guys came in and took a desk.
i don't know why.
but jeremy stared, his braces gleaming in the office light.
the guys and the desk left.
i turned to jeremy, "so the ad in the daily herald didn't provide a lot of specifics about this job. could you fill me in on the details?"
jeremy looked at me, "this job is about making money. every time i walk into the bank with my paycheck i can't believe that i'm making this kind of money. that i'm making it morally and ethically. dan just bought a new bmw 650i coupe. his monthly payments are $2,000 a month! susan has made $50,000 so far this year! and it's only march! so what i want to know kathryn, is whether or not you can see yourself making that kind of income and doing this job!?!"

jeremy leaned back in his seat and folded his arms.

it occured to me that jeremy was a freak.



i looked at him, "hmm... i don't know."
jeremy was not amused, "listen! i'm not here to talk you into this! i'm not here to convince you! i have literally 20 people who want this job! twenty people who are dying to make money and live this life!!! so i don't need to waste my time trying to talk you into this!"



jeremy was yelling at me
his braces were gleaming angrily in the office light.
seriously, who did he think he was?



i said, "look, i read an ad in the local newspaper. i called to get some information and was told to set up a time to come in and talk to someone and that's what i'm doing. so if i'm coming off as wary, it's because i have no idea what this job is you're trying to get me to take!"

at this point i figured jeremy would thank me for coming and walk me out.
or put a curse on my household.
and kick me.
and i would be forced to continue in my non bmw, non $50,000 in two months lifestyle.



but jeremy leaned back in his chair and stared at me. sneering.
"i have a pretty good gut feeling about people and i want to give you a chance. you have some sass, and i think i could turn you into a pretty successful employee here. come back tomorrow."
i mumbled something about how i already have a job and if i were to quit i'd have to give 2 weeks notice anyways.
"what?? two weeks notice?? if your bosses decided to fire you they'd give you 30 seconds notice!! why do you owe them anything else!!"



easily the worst job interview of my life.
terrifying.
it occurs to me that i wasn't necessarily on my best behavior.
in fact, now that i think back on it, i really should've used my charm...



the end.


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*product of liz and kat, the same brilliant duo who brought you "the depths of shallowness" and "that one 'your mom' joke that nobody else laughed at"!
**working slogan.
***$19.95 (u.s.)each****
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Friday, March 03, 2006

end it

i have a bad habit of reading the msn articles from the sidebar of hotmail.com even though i know they will undoubtedly suck.
i'm so weak.
but today's sidebar had no effect on me whatsoever because i already know all the "great ways to end a date", thank you very much.
you're talking to the world's most experienced date ender.
there's the old "i have to give my sister a ride to work reeeally early tomorrow" line.
or the "i just had my dog euthanized and i'm about to start crying" line.
but if you ask me, "lines" are for amateurs.
the truly great ways to end a date take absolute commitment to the art of dating pariahnism.
choking on a piece of orange chicken and having to self administer the heimlech.
remembering to wear the newly purchased sheer shirt, but forgetting to wear a bra.
pretending to fall asleep.
really falling asleep.
sobbing uncontrollably in the middle of "borne identity"...

seriously? the hotmail.com sidebar should be getting date ending advice from me.