Friday, January 15, 2010

letter of resignation

dear "all the unanswered emails in my hotmail/yahoo/gmail inbox",

i am veryplease see footnote 1 busyfootnote 2 and importantfootnote 3.

love, kat.



footnote 1. please read: "kind of"

footnote 2. please read: "bored"5

footnote 3. please read: "defeated"4

4. and i'll tell you why7. my job is a nightmare6.

5. no surprise there, though. am i right36?

6. no surprise there, though. am i right17?

7. earlier this week, my boss came into my office for one of our bi-annualish awkward dtwr21's which is mostly a battle against passive aggression where i get quizzed about why our website isn't up yet8, asked what singles ward i'm going to and if i'm dating anyone, and if i feel i should be doing more for the company and then after 45 minutes the conversation veers suddenly to me being asked if i want to start selling products and having my own accounts9 and i die of flabbergastation50.

8. and all i can do is repeat12 this simple, truthful answer, "as soon as i get a list of products you want to sell and pricing for them, i'll start putting it together".

9. it was bewildering10 as well as awkward15.

10. until my office compatriot46 called me the next night14 to tell me she'd found out the owner of our company was secretly sending his brother11 and distant cousin11 to a candy show in germany43 next week16.

11. and his wife

12. i said it 8 times during our talk.

13. she's the person in charge of all our sales. and all our sales reps.

14. we had been analyzing my dtwr21 during the day.

15. but that's a given.

16. however they have not as of yet said anything openly.

17. in fact, i know it frustrates many of you to hear me constantly whining about how i hate my job18.

18. because i never do anything about it20.

19. and let me be clear. i was never expecting to go. that's not what this is about. the owner of the company can send who he wants to send. it's his company. but this whole thing, this whole trip to germany that they've had to have been planning for months, they're doing secretly. they know bob13 should be the one going. and since they chose to be weird and secretive about it, they also know that when bob finds out she will most likely quit which is why they're having ambiguous conversations with me about taking over her13 job.

20. but, see, here's my sad rationalization. my job allows me a complete lack of commitment. it isn't a career. it doesn't require a work ethic. and frankly it seduces me with its lack of ties and obligations. and since i have no life plan30 whatsoever, it usually seems easier to ignore the lame ass situations than to figure out what to do with my life23.

21. "define the work relationship22"

22. not, like our work relationship29, but like my relationship with the company.

23. because thus far i've been a huge failure at figuring out what to do with my life. i come up with these plans that sound really good and have a logical progression to follow but then i can't even seem to make step one happen and i, like, go to a job interview which actually isn't too traumatizing31 and even though i'm not sure if it's my thing, it's in salt lake and the pay is good but then i don't get the job, which is fine because i wasn't sure it was my thing, but for the next couple of days i feel like i have absolutely no control over what happens to me32 or that maybe my life is destined to be slightly less than adequate due to any of the less than brilliant choices i've made in the last seven years28, and24 maybe that higher being i believe in has had enough of me being sub standard.

24. i do not like to go here25 but

25. in my blog or even in my head26.

26. but i've already become much more candid in this entry than i'd planned47. apparently i needed to vent51.

27. in fact, i'll probably disable the comments, because i don't want to stick people with unspeakable strange task of commenting48 on what has become my infamous 50+ footnote episode.

28. when i was actually allowed to start making my own choices.

29. because, um, ew.

30. i spent the first 21 years of my life convinced that i'd be married by age 2133. that was my life plan. i don't recommend this life plan to any girl for several reasons which are fairly obvious.

31. which is important on it's own, not traumatizing merits because ever since this, i've been phobic about job interviews.

32. it's about here in my thought process that i ate 11 mini donuts.

33. i even had a timeline.

34. and since i'm now whining about everything that went wrong last week, i got towed thursday night, which, well ya, it sucked44, but didn't really make me mad or frustrated, it just added to this tired42 feeling.

35. please read: "i". this is me talking myself up39.

36. and you know what? the office manager girl here is annoying and if she asks me one more time if i've finished up the private label truffle pricesheet somebody is going to have to remove all the sharp objects37 from my office because i swear on my newly completed joss whedon collection i will throw something at her.

37. and probably all the blunt objects too.

38. which is basically the point of my rambling. that after a long week of whatever last week was full of, i am so just tired.

39. even though a girl on friday34 looked at a candy bag and said, "um, no offense, but couldn't anybody do this40?"

40. probably. yes.

41. you know how people use their blogs for therapy? well, welcome to one of my sessions27.

42. and resigned to the suckitude38.

43. in october i went to boston to meet with our biggest customer. our biggest customer by far. they buy millions of dollars of candy bags each year. my compatriot46 got this account and the main reason they continue buying candy each year is because we35 create packaging specifically for them and we change it every year. the buyer at said company told us about a annual candy show in germany which is "the candy show of the year" and recommended we go. we told the owner about it who promptly told us it wouldn't be possible. which wasn't surprising19.

44. although, to quote my mom's response to my towing story, maybe i've learned my lesson about the towing companies abide by the law45.

45. by towing me from a "no parking after midnight" zone at 12:08.

46. let's call her "bob"13

47. seriously though, what started out as a light hearted romp into footnotes has turned very emotional41. i feel awkward on behalf of you all but mostly i feel awkward on behalf of me because i wasn't really aware of how i felt about most of this.

48. because do you, like, make a joke about it49? do you empathize? do you try and quell your frustration with my inability to simply quit my job and find a better one, and instead leave an encouraging comment vowing secretly to shake me later?

49. personally i'd opt for the joke.

50. not the best of made up words.

51. but you know, this whole vent event has been good. and i'll tell you why, because i didn't end up sending this to one of my unfortunate unanswered email people to deal with on their lonesome. now that would've been awkward.

Monday, January 04, 2010

reunion

i'm lousy when it comes to history. the memorizing of fascinating dates and interesting places... this is not in my arsenal, but i tell myself it's okay because when it comes to the people and places i personally deal with, my memory is extremely reliable. in fact, when it comes to matching up names and faces, i'm pretty awesome.
because my memory really likes faces.
so last week, when i ran into someone who looked vaguely familiar and seemed to recognize me, i wasn't surprised when my memory told me his name. i was surprised when my memory then took off. as in, left the building. locking the door behind it. laughing maniacally and leaving me to fend for myself in this cold, cruel world.

i then had a five minute conversation with a person who seemed genuinely upset that i didn't remember him. upset and content to watch me squirm. it went just about as badly as a conversation could go and this mystery man cut me no slack. when he finally walked away, i crumpled down in a chair next to a girl pretending to read a magazine. she looked over at me and said, "wow."
i nodded and said, "i'm actually sweating through my shirt."
"ya," she said, "that was bad."
"it was. it was really bad."
"ya. it was."
and then we sat in silence.

see, and at first i was embarassed. then i worked my way to annoyed. then i decided this guy was obviously a jerk and i might as well forget him again and then i was content.
THEN, three days later, my memory came back for a visit just long enough to make me suspicious of something. i looked through my journal from 10 years ago and yes, it's confirmed, i officially don't remember people i go on dates with.

more importantly, how is it that i turn out to be the bad guy so often in my own stories?