Monday, October 30, 2006

lost driver's license

okay. let's look past the fact that the song "mack the knife" has been stuck in my head all day for no apparent reason.
the truth of the matter is that i'm losing my mind.
my mom made the good point last night that this at least proves i once had one.
point well taken.
but it doesn't change my point.
that i'm going mad.
i saw this old movie once where this guy decides to make his wife think she's going crazy so he can have her commited and get control of her inheritance, so he secretly moves things and steals things and acts generally treacherous and moustache twirly.
and the same thing's happening to me. except i don't have an inheritance.
or a husband with a twirly moustache.
but my stuff keeps on disapearing and either i'm crazy, or someone out there is plotting against me.

or i need to clean my room.

Friday, October 27, 2006

lists

some songs that describe me today:
uno "basket case" green day
dos "under pressure" queen featuring david bowie
tres "help" the beatles

songs that do not describe me today:
un "free at last" g love
deux "hard knock life" jay z
trois "oklahoma" from the musical "oklahoma"

some actors i'm worried about because i haven't heard anything about them lately:
ichi the former stars of the acclaimed kids show "today's special"
ni dr. greene from "e.r." a.k.a. goose from "top gun"
san christian slater

some things that sound really good right now:
men men
twee pretzelmaker's salty, buttery pretzel with cream cheese
drie some diet freaking coke!

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

twofer

sorry, i don't usually do this* but does this thrill anyone else? it's like when the flip cell phone first came out and i was all "finally! my own communication device. now if i could only afford a tricorder..." except in this case i'm picturing isaac asimov...

...doing a mighty tap dancing number in the after life while singing, "remember the three laws of robotics everyone! la la la" while michael crichton glowers in his mansion yelling, "when will it be my turn? when? when?? when will disneyland open their 'it's a cretaceous world after all' ride? gaaa!"



*link to "news" articles.
*comment on "news" articles.
*write two blogs in the same day.

a day in the life of kathryn

part 9,181
the one where there's a lot of love but too many good intentions.


madre: okay, i'll admit it. i really want grandchildren.
me: no kidding.
padre: do you date at all, kathryn?
me: no.
padre: not at all?
me: no
padre: ...well, i don't get that at all.
madre: listen, i'll admit it. i want grandchildren.
me: okay.
grandma: [walking into living room with an orange shirt] you left this here.
me: i did?
grandma: yes.
me: when?
grandma: a few years ago. do you want it?
me: ...no.
grandma: you don't want it?
me: no.
grandma: why not?
me: it's orange.
grandma: ...
me: and two sizes too small.
grandma: i'm trying to clean out my house before i die. [sighs and walks out of room]
padre: don't the boys ask you on dates?
me: no.
padre: no?
me: no.
padre: they're probaby intimidated.
me: ...yes i'm sure that's it.
madre: okay, okay! i admit it. i want grandchildren.
me: good for you.
grandma: [walks into living room with pair of pants] do you want these?
me: no.
grandma: carolyn left them here awhile ago.
me: define "awhile".
grandma: um... 1996?
me: no.
grandma: you don't want them?
me: really, really no.
grandma: do you think carolyn wants them?
me: well... they're size 14 khaki carpenter pants, so i'm gonna say no.
grandma: but they're such a nice material.
me: indeed.
grandma: sigh... i just don't want you to have to clean out my house when i die [walks out of room]
madre: you know, the people at work are going through all these life changes because their kids are getting married and having babies.
me: that's nice for them.
madre: and all i have is stories about our dog...
the dog: woof!
padre: you know, i used to be scared of rejection.
madre: ... so, yes, i admit it...
padre: maybe the boys are afraid you'll reject them.
madre: ... i want grandchildren...
padre: someone once told me, "if you apply for a job, you might not get it. but if you don't apply, then you definitely won't get it."
madre: ... see? i admit it!
padre: you should tell the boys that.
grandma: [walks in with a pair of jeans] now, kathryn, i wear these jeans you left here when i garden.
me: cool.
grandma: i like them because they're nice and thick and i don't get cut by the thorns. but they're the ultra low waisted pants that are the fashion now a days.
me: look at you following the trends.
grandma: well, the other day i was out in the garden picking up plums and when i stood up, it felt drafty and that's when i realized that your jeans had fallen off me!
me: grandma!
grandma: i'm just glad i was in the back yard!
me: maybe we should buy you a belt.
grandma: no. i'm going to die.
me: ... sigh.
grandma: now, kathryn, when i do die... i don't want you to go through my clothes, just throw them away.
me: actually grandma, when you die i'm just going to toss you on your bed... and burn your house down.
grandma: oh kathryn.
me: no, seriously, think about it grandma... we won't have to pay for a funeral, we won't have to clean out your house, and we'll collect some insurance money!
grandma: ... [starts nodding]... and you could probably sell the property too.

fin

Friday, October 20, 2006

holiday

reasons i've thought of to include in my "i quit" speech that didn't involve the phrase, "every day i lose another piece of my SOUL!"... 0

days since i combed my hair... 11

blisters from tying ribbon... 2

times i've listened to queen's "i want to break free"... 20 billion


'tis the frickin' season.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

el spader

having encountered a handful of people in the last month who neither respect the true infamy of the 80's james spadernor seem to have even the basic knowledge of a little movie i like to call "pretty in pink", i now feel it is my duty to present my favorite scene from said movie...



oh duckie.

Monday, October 16, 2006

karma

yes, it's true. at the dance party saturday night i did in fact slap a small asian girl.

but it was accidental, and she was not in my line of vision, and i apologized profusely when it happened and also 20 minutes later when i accidentally rammed into her during a particularly vigorous running man experience.

sadly it's also true that i refrained from slapping the little punk in the beanie who decided he hated me.

college boys.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

instant weight gain

a beautiful thing happened awhile ago.
i was watching tv the other day when the power went out. a few minutes later, the power came back on and my tv was inexplicably in widescreen mode. so for the last couple of weeks every time i watch tv, everything's a little bit, well, squatty.

i love it. i will never go back to regular tv. ever.

watching the 20 pounds heavier cast of "friends" is nothing short of miraculous.