Friday, September 24, 2004

wishful thinking

people whom i've sometimes wished would read my blog, until i actually think about it and decide it's better off that they don't...
  • my mom
  • jacque cousteaux (even though he's dead. i think. if he's not, he's like 133 years old, in which case why isn't he on the news?)
  • donahue (even though he might be dead too)
  • pauly shore (even though his career is dead)
  • doogie howser (even though he's fictional)
  • james
  • one of the old members of menudo (but not ricky martin)
  • leonard nemoy
  • somebody french

Monday, September 20, 2004

get along with THIS!

if my blog were a sitcom, it would have to have a little off topic, pre-credits, opening blurb scene.

i've been going to the gym pretty religiously this week and i've been trying to eat a v. high protein lunch for energy purposes. i'm not really sure what "high protein" involves. steak, obviously. and eggs. and hopefully mexican food because really that's what i've been eating for lunch.
i haven't lost any weight yet.

roll opening credits. and now to the point.

i thought i knew how to get along with people, but lately i don't feel up to the task.
my roomate's friends come over pretty consistently. Saturday her sister wore a t-shirt that said, "i [heart symbol] buns." and the whole group of them kept on calling each other's cell phones and leaving the message,"you're such a fag" over and over and over.
i sat in the kitchen and sketched a picture of an eye.

this guy came into the retail store to buy a bunch of mint truffles for his little sister's wedding shower. his t-shirt said, "trust me i'm a virgin."
i did not trust him.

ok. if my blog were a sitcom, you'd definitely get a commercial break, so here you go. why don't you go get a beverage or something?

a nice young man was, well, let's say aggressively befriending me (re: standing in retail store for 2 hours talking about ex-navy adventures, alaska, and the mythical "white elk", leaving notes paper clipped to time card, calling every morning to check in, etc.) and bless his heart, i really couldn't get myself to pay attention. i kept on watching teen mothers take their young infants to the piercing kiosk right outside the store (horrifying). and then i'd realize i wasn't paying attention, and try to focus, but i couldn't because old navy adventures really aren't that interesting when there isn't some sort of war on.

of course, you could compare that to the 2 byu boys whose idea of aggressive befriendment was... well... a blog sitcom would have dialogue, right?
me: would you like a fudge sample?
byu dude: i bought a hat today.
me: so... yes?
byu dude: a u.s.c. hat.
me: what flavor would you like?
byu dude: i'm going to where it to the game.
me: ok
byu dude: are you going to the game?
me: the game?
him: the game.
me: what game?
him: sigh... the byu/usc football game.
me: oh... i don't really care about that.
him: i really value your honesty at this early stage in our relationship.
me: so... fudge?

maybe i never really got along with people. maybe it's just that people got along with me.
i miss those days.

the only other thing my blog sitcom would need (besides a laugh track) is another off topic blurb during the closing credits.

i'm currently reading "i, robot". it's good, but i'm thinking of telling people i'm reading "the brothers karamazov" because it sounds smarter.
and it's not like anyone's ever actually read it.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

the master plan!!

when i moved into my new apartment complex, i found myself never intending to date again. ever. i momentarily lack the mental resiliency and emotional aptitude which dating requires. (and when i say i "momentarily lack" it, i mean that i never had it.)
there have been signs.
sign, the first... yesterday morning i killed a suspicious looking spider (the task involving 1. 409 and, 2. jumping up & down and squealing). when it mysteriously reappeared on my bedroom wall that night i was fully convinced i was about to be the target of some renegade arachnid vendetta.
sign, the second... while filling in at the retail store- which, by the way, is completely boring and i suggest you never do it- i started to wonder if i was the mall equivalent of the ape exhibit at the zoo. i gawked back at my audience hoping to see someone i knew and had the strangest sensation that everyone looked familiar. is it possible that i've met every single person in utah valley? that i've been to so many provo dances/firesides/classes/stake conferences that i've seen everyone?? i then started imagining what kind of prize i should get for such an achievement.
sign, the third... i cried during an episode of "dawson's creek".

such signs call for drastic measures. hence, the birth of...
the master plan!!
swearing off human contact didn't seem healthy, or even plausible. swearing off all male contact seemed equally impractical. but swearing off all contact with attractive men? that's a healthy plan, a necessary plan, a master plan!!

granted, the master plan(!!) is built entirely upon prejudice. my prejudice. against good looking men.
granted, i've become a looksist. a horrifyingly blatant looksist.
granted, if the rest of the world took up a similar master plan i'd be entirely friendless. i'd be this really, really pretty, friendless girl.
granted also, whilst congratulating myself on the brilliance of the master plan i had a random chance encounter with an old friend which led to a random chance encounter with the most avoidable guy in my new ward, which led to a random chance reevaluation of my master plan.

yet... still.

Thursday, September 02, 2004


there's a stray cat that owns my apartment complex. i hate this stray cat. me. the lover of all animals. and most inanimate objects. kat. i hate it.
and i feel completely horrible about it. so yesterday, when i opened my door and it ran in and meowed by my fridge, i made myself not resent it's unabashedness. instead i named it william and threw a 4 day old egg roll outside for it. but truth be told i did resent william.
i don't get it. at the villa there was a stray cat and i loved it. there was also tony and that crack addict guy, and i didn't have a problem with them either. where did my good will, and easy goingness, and love of mankind go? or... you know, animalkind, or whatever. sigh... you know what i'm getting at.