Monday, January 29, 2007

i think i'm paranoid. and complicated

i was completely convinced while waiting in the drive thru line at kneaders, that i was being stalked by a zamboni.
a seemingly crazy sentence, since zamboni's rarely venture out amongst the populace.
but i saw in my rear view mirror a zamboni-like vehicle pass behind me EIGHT times.
and let me assure you being stalked by a zamboni is not the joy ride you might think it to be. sure, they can seem carefree and wholesome on a brightly lit ice skating rink, but it's a whole different story when you meet one on the streets because their intentions cannot necessarily be trusted.
i think i saw a movie once where this guy gets chased by a zamboni. and he's trying to outrun it, but it's the 70's and his car is large and crappy and might not have enough gas to get to the top of the hill and i think it was an early steven spielberg movie and, sure, maybe it was about a guy being chased by a semi truck, but still...

anyways, that's why when i parked my car on 700 east and got out and looked up to see the lights of a tow truck pull up behind me...
that's why i screamed.

Thursday, January 25, 2007


a week's worth of breakfasts...

friday, january 19, 2007: denny's eggs over my hammy, diet coke (16 oz).
saturday, january 20, 2007: bag of hershey's dark chocolate, two red vines.
sunday, january 21, 2007: sugar free oatmeal with soy milk.
monday, january 22, 2007: wendys fries (size small), diet coke (21 oz).
tuesday, january 23, 2007: dorritos, chocolate donettes, diet coke w/ lime (32 oz).
wednesday, january 24, 2007: diet coke (12 oz + 12 oz + 21 oz + 12 oz), 3 excedrin.
thursday, january 25, 2007: parmesan chips, brownie, diet coke (21 oz).

it's kind of a miracle i don't weigh 500 lbs.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

ups. and also downs. but really moderate ups & downs. and also a graph.

many ups and downs last week.

UP: i was telling a story and used the word "virulent". i didn't know such a word existed, but apparently it does because after i used it i looked it up in the dictionary and not only is it an actual word, but it's an actual word which i used correctly.
i was scared of my new psychic powers.
DOWN: last night whilst reading i learned that i have been mispelling the word "prerogative" my entire life and thus also mispronouncing it.
i felt stupid.

UP: at different points in the week a couple people confessed their aims to be more like me.
i was touched. my heart grew three sizes.
as did my head.

however(DOWN), when i ever so humbly pried for ellaboration one person told me she admired how i continually try to talk to the people even though they are overtly apathic towards me and the other said she enjoys how familiar i seem to be with all the 7/11 and wendys employees in the three mile radius of my apartment.
i felt pathetic.

...okay, so maybe i was setting too lofty a goal when i said "many" ups and downs.
cuz there are really just the two.

but look, here's a graph like i promised in the title...

Monday, January 22, 2007

car trouble

a scene from wendys...

it starts with me walking into the restaurant.
cashier girl: hi.
me: hi.
cashier girl: may i take your order?
me: i'd like the #6 combo with a chili instead of fries and a diet coke.
meanwhile, the drive thru window lady is peering over at me. she comes to the counter.
drive thru window lady: you didn't come through the drive thru today!
me: ya, i know.
this is when all the people from the back come up to the counter.
another drive thru window lady: why didn't you come through the drive thru?
me: car trouble. i'm walking home from work today.
drive thru window lady: oh no!
me: eh, what can you do?
kind of awkward silence
i guess i could've walked through the drive thru.
cashier girl: here's your meal.
me: thanks. well, see ya!
and then everyone waved goodbye.

i'm not particularly sure what part of the above scene made me feel pathetic but i'm vaguely certain it has something to do with the familiarity i share with the employees of all gas stations within a 3 mile radius of my apartment.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

subject: radio silence

dear "all the unanswered emails in my inbox",

i am very(1) busy(2) and important(3).

love, kat.

1. please read: "kind of"(17)

2. please read: "bored"(6)

3. please read: "defeated"(4)

4. and i'll tell you why. my job is a nightmare(5).

5. no surprise there, though. am i right(7)?

6. no surprise there, though. am i right?

7. in fact, i know it frustrates many of you(8) to hear me constantly(10) whining(12) about how i hate my job(16).

8. because i never do anything to fix it.

9. because i really only have one point to make. do you know what doesn't get rid of a headache? i do. 11 mini donuts.

10. oh my gosh though, the office manager girl here is killing me with all of her "annoying beyond the telling of it" character traits and if she asks me one more time if i've finished the private label truffle pricesheet somebody is going to have to remove all the sharp objects(11) from my office because i swear on my newly completed joss whedon collection i will throw something at her.

11. and probably all the blunt objects too.

12. because really, it's not like i'm saving the universe, or ending world hunger. i'm, you know, making 2" x 8" candy labels(13).

13. a girl(15) on friday glanced at one of my labels and said, "um, no offense, but couldn't anybody do this(14)?"

14. probably. yes.

15. let(18)'s call her "bob".

16. so let me assure you of my dedication to not turn this whole light hearted romp in footnotey territory into an infamous vent event(9).

17. wait. scratch that. please read: "very".

18. to borrow an enjoyable mannerism from spliz(19)

19. i fixed the link. sorry about that.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007


covet covet covet


um. covet.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007


ya, i've so got nothing to say.
nothing cute.
or funny.

oh, wait!


there, that's funny.

Friday, January 05, 2007


i'ma bust a mad blog in your ears.

ya... that's not working for me. even the part of me that thinks that one weird al song is funny was embarassed by that intro.
and frankly i'm pretty sure what i said up there makes no sense.

some good news- after only 4 days of, you know, not binge eating and doing the running ahem! apply term loosely thing, i have lost all my holiday weight.
can you deal with that?

i have a tendency towards restlessness.
this may come as a surprise to some of you. this may, in fact, stun many of you and cause you to go into a sort of coma catalyzed by the shock and awe you are now feeling. this may cause of few of you to question your very existence in a kierkegaardian "life has no inherent meaning" kind of a way. and this paragraph may cause some of you to roll your eyes and click the "next blog" button at the top of the page because sarcasm is really only funny when its understated.
i don't do understated.
so i have this tendency towards restlessness which pops up about every year or so. sometimes it results in a drive to montana. sometimes it means i sign up for a business writing class which turns out to be way harder than i expected which means i end up whining about it to random people instead of, you know, studying.
and sometimes it results in me starting to pack up my belongings to move to salt lake and if howzett is reading this then... hehehe... um... no it doesn't.

a couple of years ago i wrote my "i have never" list. now, with two years of wisdom and worldlyness if will smith can misspell "happiness", i can throw "y"s in anywhere i want to behind me, i offer an adendum:
i have still never done anything on that list except for the skiing thing and the "matrix" thing but i did manage to take a yoga class and consequently learn how to do a very awkward and wobbley head stand, consistently jog, unwillingly learn how to give a sort of decent hair cut, eat duck, and empanadas, go to san francisco twice, and boston once...
see what i mean?

it turns out that whenever i laugh or find something enjoyable i clap. how do i know this? because of the new ring i bought at hot topic...
and because of all the little jab marks on the palm of my other hand.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

harassed (please pronounce it the british way)

i am the most awkward person on the phone.
this has nothing to do with anything. except that i just got off the phone with one of our printers and i am the most awkward person on the phone.

my story
as i drove up to salt lake on new year's eve day for family dinner, i sang along to cake's "short skirt, long jacket".

to the left of me i sensed a hoverer. i glanced over to the carpool lane and indeed, the car next to me was hovering. a 15ish year old girl and a 15ish year old boy looked over at me, grinning while the adult in the driver's seat matched my speed, and then the boy held up his cell phone and took my picture.

it was awkward.

i slowed down so they would pull ahead, which they did although the children never broke eye contact, turning their heads and grinning out the back window.

it was creepy.

i got out of the passing lane and, ever the master of repression, forced myself to think of other things. however, five minutes later as i neared my exit, i looked over at the carpool lane and they were still there.

still matching my speed.
still grinning.
still holding up the camera phone.
i looked at them and asked "what?"
the boy waved.
i waved back.
the girl blew a kiss.
i stared at her with furrowed brow.
and exited i-15.

2006 set the bar pretty low.
this is all i'm saying.