Thursday, November 25, 2010

thanksgiving twenty-ten a.k.a. adventures in incestery... ick

if, like the rest of my family, you think it was nice and somewhat selfless of me to drive my grandmother home when she demanded to be taken home after only two hours of thanksgiving-ing, well then, you're a chump.

crazy cousin once removed who is sitting at the head of the dinner table watching us all eat while he eats nothing. like, nothing. i'm still not sure why: you know, you can't even really prove that france exists.
me, sitting next to him: what?
crazy cousin once removed: seriously, how can you prove it exists?
me: well, there are maps and pictures of the eiffel tower and i know a bunch of people who have gone there. like carolyn. who's sitting right there.
ccor: but we saved their butts during world war 1 and world war 2.
me: did "we"?
ccor: and now all they do is bitch about us.
me: so wouldn't you say their bitching in fact proves that they exist?
ccor: [insert obligatory and poorly-crafted rant about 'nam.]
me: ... right on.
ccor: you know, after i caught my son using drugs again, he was standing at the top of the stairs mouthing off to me so i punched him really lightly in the windpipe.
me: ... um... sure.
ccor: and he kind of laughed at me and said, "what was that? that didn't even hurt!" so i said, "you're lucky i pulled that punch or you wouldn't be standing here right now!" and then he packed up his stuff and left and i haven't heard from him since.
me: that's too bad.
ccor: i could have punched him for real if i'd wanted to and it would have been lethal.
me: well, i think you made the right choice.
ccor: ya?
me: if you ask me, not committing manslaughter is pretty much always a good choice.
ccor: does anyone want some coffee?? no??? [insert obligatory and poorly-crafted rant against my family's religious beliefs]
me: ...right on. how's your daughter?
ccor: she's fine.
me: ya? how's her little girl?
ccor: good. she's two years old now.
me: awww, that's fun.
ccor: you know what we should do?
me: what?
ccor: we should get married.
me: ...
ccor: ...
me: ...
ccor: ...
me: ...what?
ccor: ya, i mean there'd be no hanky panky, obviously.
me: ...
ccor: but you could get artificially inseminated.
me: ...
ccor: ...
me: ya, you know, i actually don't really ever want kids. ever.
ccor: you don't?
me: nope.
ccor: why not?
me: well, ... um... it's just that the older i get, the more i realize that kids are hard work.
ccor: that's true. hu, i thought you really wanted kids.
me: nope. don't want kids. ever. but thank you for the kind offer of your sperm.
ccor: there wouldn't be anything wrong with us having a kid.
me: wouldn't there??
ccor: we'd be keeping the bloodline pure. plus we're second cousins so it would be fine.
me: ... i don't think we are. i think you're my cousin once removed.
ccor: besides, sixty-one is the new forty-one.
me: ... i don't think it is.
ccor: ...
me: ...
ccor: you know, you can't really prove that italy exists either.
me: ...

fin

Thursday, November 18, 2010

some news

as of a week ago, the 80 year old cowboy who lives next door to my grandmother and likes to comment on my italian greyhound and my legs (in that order) has decided to take it up a notch by replacing his cowboy hat with a formal, black top hat.

i thought you should know.

Monday, November 15, 2010

the darkness

no, not the band.
although, i do believe in a thing called love.
and you are more than welcome to listen to the rhythm of my heart.
no, i'm talking about daylight savings. every year when i "fall back" into the darkness, a piece of my soul begins to hibernate.
and the fact that it began to snow ever so gently the day after the daylight savings, well, that did not help.

last monday, i pulled into my driveway after running some errands but before i could get out of my car, the power lines right above me started sparking.
you know that electrical current noise? it's not something you want to hear right above your head.
i backed my car out of the driveway and parked it across the street. then i sat in my car for five minutes staring at the power lines running up and down my street and i assessed the situation, calling upon my zero years of experience with the power company. i decided everything was okay, woke up ziggy who was asleep in the passenger's seat and crossed the street to go home. when i stepped onto my driveway, the power lines above my head started sparking. i assessed my situation by looking around me at the street, wet from the day's gently wafting snow, and calling upon my zero conversations with noted kite-flier benjamin franklin, decided my driveway was a death trap and i was quite possibly going to die in a puddle of my own urine/become a superhero.
ya... i don't actually understand how electricity works.
luckily, my instincts to run away from any sort of scary/awkward/creepy situation kicked in and i picked up my dog and ranRAN! (not even a cool kind of a run but the kind of weird, crouched-down running you see people do in movies when they're running up to a helicopter) back across the street because in my mind the only way to defeat an electrical current was to get back to my car. my reasoning has something to do with the rubber tires.
then my neighbors came out of their homes and asked if i was okay, and then this weird french guy named oliver who apparently lives down the street asked me if i was single and if he could come over to my house later, and then a fire truck came (tragically, the firemen did NOT ask if i was single and if they could come over to my house later).
then i sat in my powerless house in the dark even though it was only, like, 5:30 and stared at the one candle i own and wondered why i don't own matches anymore. and then i did the only thing there is to do when you're sitting in the dark with no tv or computer or light source, i made some mental lists which i am now going to share with you.

list number one: the weirdest moments guys have chosen to send me "the vibe"
*after i'd outran electricity, "final destiny" style.
*after i put my dog to sleep.
*after dumping me.
*after finding out i was 13 years old.
*after i choked on a piece of orange chicken and coughed it up, sending it flying onto the table in front of me.
*after telling me how their son, who i went to high school with, is doing.
*after telling me a looong story about how they went off their meds, cheated on their wife and spent the weekend smoking pot.

list number two: things i apparently can live without (who knew?)
*diet coke (except when i have a cold and i tell myself diet coke is medicinal. i've been off the coke since may. in my world, that's huge.)
*reality tv (this is the one thing where i'm different than everyone else in america. and europe. and japan. on my best behavior i'm ambivalent. caught at my worst i go on weird, unprincipled rants with no valid point because truthfully i have no idea why i hate reality shows and i'm worried that it's because i hate people. or reality.)
*cereal
*a consistent income (i miss buying shoes)
*facebook
*"glee" (i keep forgetting it exists this season)

list number three: in contrast, things i apparently canNOT live without (who knew?)
*chocolate. (seriously, i can't stop eating it. i can't even go a day. i can't even cut down. and then my absolute lack of willpower bums me out and when i'm bummed out, i eat chocolate. vicious cycle!!)
*interacting with people on a daily basis. (right now i'm spending most of my days at home. this will not be something i do for the rest of ever. i talk to ziggy more than i feel comfortable admitting and eventually he gets bored with me and burrows under a blanket. so then i blatantly talk to myself.)
*tv on dvd. (i've been toying with the idea of giving up tv for a month but i can't commit to doing it. maybe i'll do it during december when the repeats are on.)

list number four: phrases from past conversations that i think could be great band names (read: mediocre indie band names)
*drunken onesies
*lori and the yahoos
*yelling at the dumbheads
*24 hours of geekitude
*single men don't go to heaven
*the essies


and that, kids, is what people did before electricity. they sat around and made lists of potential band names.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

books

i wouldn't consider myself an avid reader. i like to read and i usually have a fiction, a nonfiction, and an easy book going at the same time which sounds very impressive when said in a condescending tone and when not followed up with, "but it takes about a year to get through all three and i have to do a lot of rereading to remind myself who the characters are."

right now i'm trying desperately to get through a lincoln biography but every time i pick it up i have to skim through the first chapter to remember who all the people are and abraham lincoln hasn't even become a lawyer yet.
 
i just finished a really lousy anecdotal type book which made me want to write my own anecdotal book of rebuttals. it would be titled, "no, you are wrong" and it would be subtitled "and also you're foolish."
 
and then i'm still in the middle of the last of the "lord of the rings" trilogy. this has been going on for a while. i love the sam/frodo relationship. i read an article a few months ago (when i was also reading the last book of the "lord of the rings" trilogy) which argued that sam is obviously in love with frodo. and i was bugged. i mean, i like a good, complex relationship with hints of forbidden romantic tension as much as anybody BUT in this instance i think the brotherly love between sam and frodo is much more interesting. i would argue that brotherly (sisterly) love is one of the purest forms of love. it's unselfish and loyal. the idea that sam goes with frodo on this journey because he loves him like a brother, is loyal to him, and wants nothing in return is a lot more interesting to me than the idea that sam is romantically interested in frodo. it takes some of the selflessness out of it. and it makes sam less interesting. because seriously, how far into mordor would you go with your siblings, no questions asked? way farther than with the guy you have a secret, forbidden crush on.

wait, where was i going with this?

oh. ya. i'm also reading a vanity fair magazine.
i would totally follow joseph gordon leavitt to mordor.

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

my name is kat, and i improved this message

have you guys seen this ad?


that's an amazing strategy.
i have to ask you, doesn't it remind you of a moment on "30 rock" that i'm sure we all thought was satirical?


i have got to get on board this crazy train...

dear all you people who disagree with me politically,
you could totally send me a message by not voting today.
that would really put me in my place.
really.
yours,
kat