crazy cousin once removed who is sitting at the head of the dinner table watching us all eat while he eats nothing. like, nothing. i'm still not sure why: you know, you can't even really prove that france exists.
me, sitting next to him: what?
crazy cousin once removed: seriously, how can you prove it exists?
me: well, there are maps and pictures of the eiffel tower and i know a bunch of people who have gone there. like carolyn. who's sitting right there.
ccor: but we saved their butts during world war 1 and world war 2.
me: did "we"?
ccor: and now all they do is bitch about us.
me: so wouldn't you say their bitching in fact proves that they exist?
ccor: [insert obligatory and poorly-crafted rant about 'nam.]
me: ... right on.
ccor: you know, after i caught my son using drugs again, he was standing at the top of the stairs mouthing off to me so i punched him really lightly in the windpipe.
me: ... um... sure.
ccor: and he kind of laughed at me and said, "what was that? that didn't even hurt!" so i said, "you're lucky i pulled that punch or you wouldn't be standing here right now!" and then he packed up his stuff and left and i haven't heard from him since.
me: that's too bad.
ccor: i could have punched him for real if i'd wanted to and it would have been lethal.
me: well, i think you made the right choice.
me: if you ask me, not committing manslaughter is pretty much always a good choice.
ccor: does anyone want some coffee?? no??? [insert obligatory and poorly-crafted rant against my family's religious beliefs]
me: ...right on. how's your daughter?
ccor: she's fine.
me: ya? how's her little girl?
ccor: good. she's two years old now.
me: awww, that's fun.
ccor: you know what we should do?
ccor: we should get married.
ccor: ya, i mean there'd be no hanky panky, obviously.
ccor: but you could get artificially inseminated.
me: ya, you know, i actually don't really ever want kids. ever.
ccor: you don't?
ccor: why not?
me: well, ... um... it's just that the older i get, the more i realize that kids are hard work.
ccor: that's true. hu, i thought you really wanted kids.
me: nope. don't want kids. ever. but thank you for the kind offer of your sperm.
ccor: there wouldn't be anything wrong with us having a kid.
me: wouldn't there??
ccor: we'd be keeping the bloodline pure. plus we're second cousins so it would be fine.
me: ... i don't think we are. i think you're my cousin once removed.
ccor: besides, sixty-one is the new forty-one.
me: ... i don't think it is.
ccor: you know, you can't really prove that italy exists either.