Monday, April 20, 2009

gardening

i spent most of saturday "gardening" and i type the word "gardening" in somewhat sarcastic quotation marks because for all i know i'm cultivating a wasteland. however i fully enjoyed myself, what with the novelty and the feeling that i was playing some sort of trivia game with mother nature. a three part game, actually...

part I: weed or plant?
the winner was, er, not always me. there's an incident with 40 year old geraniums/chrysanthimums i cannot at this time relate.

part II or deux: taking a break or taking a nap?
either way i won. unless it was a competition between me and ziggy because then he won. unless the competition was to see who could lay in the sun and not get sunburned because then i won.

part III: is that a bug?? is that a bug??
all i know is it's the neighbor's problem now.


p.s. in the "suggested friends" portion of facebook i have to keep rejecting "jesus" and i'm starting to feel guilty about it.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

pirates

i'm completely addicted to pirate news. can't get enough of it.
let's explore why...

first, i've never understood what navy seals do. i knew they existed. i assumed they did stuff, but i never heard about the stuff they were doing and i'm not going to lie to you- the silence scares me. hearing about their awesome captain-rescuing skills comforted me a little bit although it did little to nothing to diminish the image i have of demi moore shaving her head in "g.i. jane".

second, it totally made me laugh when the pirates were all, "why would you kill us? we are OUTRAGED that you would kill three of the men who kidnapped and held that ship captain for ransom and tried to take away food and aid you were sending to our starving countrymen. OUTRAGED! what did we ever do to you?? well. now we're going to have to crack down. you've forced us to. this is all your fault really. from now on, when we attack an unarmed vessel, we're going to kill everyone. because fair is fair."

which, by the way, third, why are these food/aid vessels still floating around unarmed? dude. america loves guns. we love them. i watched this "60 minutes" report on sunday about it and we love our guns automatic and unregulated. so when we send food aid through pirate infested waters during a time when pirates have vowed to avenge the deaths of their innocent comrades who were just holding that guy captive until they got their millions of dollars, why are we not arming the boat with a navy seal? or at the very least coconut bombs.
or a pit with a tiger in it?

ya, fourth, my idea of pirates has been shaped by a childhood spent watching "swiss family robinson".


not to say this situation isn't serious, but with everything else in the news that i will never be able to understand because the economy makes no sense and north korea is confusing and a "tea party" is the lamest thing to call a protest ever unless you're actually protesting a tax on tea by dumping it into a harbor (which was very rock and roll), pirates PIRATES should be an easy win. when it comes to a show of force and an ocean full of potential collateral damage... isn't that what we're supposed to be good at?

Thursday, April 02, 2009

boss of me

firstly, the only april fools day "pranks" i ever see ALWAYS (i don't exaggerate) involve girls announcing they're engaged.
it makes me feel weird.


lastly, (i should start numbering my points due to their sheer magnitude!) i don't like being told what to do and who does, really?
nobody.
trust me. i tell people what to do all the time and they never like it.

depending on the circumstance i'll tolerate it if i have to but most often i'll scream, "you're not my mother!!" and then i'll stomp off. except when it's my mom because then i'll scream, "you're not the boss of me!" and then i'll stomp off. and when it's my boss i scream,"...." nothing. because i like being employed.
so, ya. sometimes i act like a three year old, but for the most part i try and take it. because really the easiest thing to do is smile, think snarky thoughts, nod, and then go off and do whatever i want.
because i'm a grown up.
and you're not my mother.

booyah.

all i'm saying is, i have self control. do you hear that, little old lady who isn't actually related to me but who is related to my great aunt through marriage ? i have self control! so you can tell me who to call and what to do and how it's going to be while my great aunt says goodbye to my dying grandmother and i will thank you for the advice. i'll want to remind you that i'm twice your size and a third your age and then tell you to get out of my house, but i won't.
but you are not the boss of me.

i just re-read that last paragraph and realized that i want karma points for not yelling at a little, old lady.
i'm a class act.