9 years ago, i was a sophmore in college and i was not happy about it and i will tell you why in great detail because there is nothing more important than delving into the trials of the nineteen year old co-ed.
kidding.
because there is, of course, nothing to delve. my first day back at college i almost consciously decided i hated my roommates and my apartment and my neighbors who just happened to be the cool kids from my high school and the boy who didn't love me even a little.
i hated them all.
after about thirty seconds.
all i can say is it seemed completely rational at the time.
the upside of hating my roommates and apartment and neighbors and boy who didn't love me even a little was that campus became a refuge. after class, i'd spend the day hidden away at a corner cubical in the basement of the library with fresh bread from the campus bakery and a bottle of apple juice and my homework and my walkman which basically played "every breath you take: the classics" by the police for like an entire month.
i bring this up for no other reason than the arrow 103.5 played both "every little thing she does is magic" and "king of pain" while i was driving to work today.
and i'm telling you i was back in the library drinking apple juice and reading about opportunity cost.
and i didn't even need a gigawatt.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
i had a very serious conversation with my car radio this morning as i drove to work.
the man on the radio told me a recent survey shows that, compared to years past, drastically less people believe global warming is a serious issue.
radio man asked me, "has your opinion about global warming changed in the last year? why don't you think global warming is a serious issue anymore?"
"because i am driving to work in a snow storm right now!! gaaaa!! where am i? am i in lehi? what is happening??", i calmly and attractively replied.
sanity is such a relative term.
the man on the radio told me a recent survey shows that, compared to years past, drastically less people believe global warming is a serious issue.
radio man asked me, "has your opinion about global warming changed in the last year? why don't you think global warming is a serious issue anymore?"
"because i am driving to work in a snow storm right now!! gaaaa!! where am i? am i in lehi? what is happening??", i calmly and attractively replied.
sanity is such a relative term.
Monday, October 26, 2009
spookadelic
halloween is high up on my top 40 list.
top 40 list referring to radyes, i'm bringing "rad" back*ness and not pop songs.
and also, there isn't an actual list because i'm making this all up as i type.
i'm trying to find a find a fancy way to tell you that i really enjoy halloween. it's rad!
and i seriously wish there were other yearly occasions where people would costume up because if i walk into a costume party i can tell you in the first two minutes who i want to roll with. halloween costumes make a group of people so much easier to gauge. they might as well be wearing signs around their necks announcing what they think is cool and i'm very interested in finding the people whose costumes say, "i'm awesome, ask me how."
i've started as of 2 minutes ago when i started writing this making a list of the costumes i'd like to see at some point and it includes...
dwayne wayne
the karate kid shower costume
the doppler effect is "the big bang theory" on anyone else's top 40 list?
a never nude
that's really all i have so far.
*"take it to the briiiidge"
top 40 list referring to radyes, i'm bringing "rad" back*ness and not pop songs.
and also, there isn't an actual list because i'm making this all up as i type.
i'm trying to find a find a fancy way to tell you that i really enjoy halloween. it's rad!
and i seriously wish there were other yearly occasions where people would costume up because if i walk into a costume party i can tell you in the first two minutes who i want to roll with. halloween costumes make a group of people so much easier to gauge. they might as well be wearing signs around their necks announcing what they think is cool and i'm very interested in finding the people whose costumes say, "i'm awesome, ask me how."
i've started as of 2 minutes ago when i started writing this making a list of the costumes i'd like to see at some point and it includes...
dwayne wayne
the karate kid shower costume
the doppler effect is "the big bang theory" on anyone else's top 40 list?
a never nude
that's really all i have so far.
*"take it to the briiiidge"
Monday, October 12, 2009
mostly true
during the space race in the 60's, NASA spent $11 million to finance the development of this...
a 
pen.
a pen with nitrogen and special ink making it usable in extreme temperatures, underwater, and without gravity.
do you know what the russians used?
pencils.
okay, okay. that's a myth.
kind of.
the the nonexaggerated story is that the U.S. used pencils as well. they, in fact, spent $128.89 per pencil which (for some unknown reason!) people found ridiculous. NASA also saw the broken pencil tips as harmful and didn't want anything flammable on board (a rocket) so they spent $1 million on space pens.
i don't really know what the russians did. just roughed it, i guess. harmful pencil tips and all.
i haven't decided yet which story is going to be the version i tell people.
a 
pen.a pen with nitrogen and special ink making it usable in extreme temperatures, underwater, and without gravity.
do you know what the russians used?
pencils.
okay, okay. that's a myth.
kind of.
the the nonexaggerated story is that the U.S. used pencils as well. they, in fact, spent $128.89 per pencil which (for some unknown reason!) people found ridiculous. NASA also saw the broken pencil tips as harmful and didn't want anything flammable on board (a rocket) so they spent $1 million on space pens.
i don't really know what the russians did. just roughed it, i guess. harmful pencil tips and all.
i haven't decided yet which story is going to be the version i tell people.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
letdown
one of the most inconsequential letdowns of my life was when i read "pygmalian." i was 17 and in a super serious relationship with oscar wilde. and what do you do when you're infatuated with someone? that's right, you get to know their friends. thus "pygmalian."
also known as "my fair lady" except not because of the absolute lack of "by george, i think she's got it"/"the rain in spain"/"i've grown accustomed to her face" moments.
let. down.
age 17 was also the year i waited in line to see "phantom menace" on opening day thinking i was finally going to experience first hand "star wars" awesomeness.
letdown.
i mean, completely unimportant in the grand scheme of things but still.
letdown.
also known as "my fair lady" except not because of the absolute lack of "by george, i think she's got it"/"the rain in spain"/"i've grown accustomed to her face" moments.
let. down.
age 17 was also the year i waited in line to see "phantom menace" on opening day thinking i was finally going to experience first hand "star wars" awesomeness.
letdown.
i mean, completely unimportant in the grand scheme of things but still.
letdown.
Monday, September 21, 2009
obsessing
i cannot, for the life of me, remember whether or not i turned off the stove this morning and since there's absolutely no way i can commute home during lunch to check, i'm doing the next best thing...
obsessing about it.
imagining everything i own being burned to a crisp, including the secret stash of cash i forgot to deposit when i went to the bank on friday.
and then i start thinking about that scene from "the unsinkable molly brown" where the unsinkable molly brown- attempting to out think potential bandits- hides her piles of money in the stove.
then i wonder how i'm going to explain to my mother that i burned down my grandmother's house and hummels.
however, if i'm keeping it real as i'm not really prone to do, the only thing i'm obsessing about is the fact that my poor little dog is alone in the house and the first (and really only) rule of pet ownership is to not leave your pet in a burning building.
in summary, some life advice: if you can't do something constructive, do something neurotic.
i also can't remember whether or not i locked the door this morning.
obsessing about it.
imagining everything i own being burned to a crisp, including the secret stash of cash i forgot to deposit when i went to the bank on friday.
and then i start thinking about that scene from "the unsinkable molly brown" where the unsinkable molly brown- attempting to out think potential bandits- hides her piles of money in the stove.
then i wonder how i'm going to explain to my mother that i burned down my grandmother's house and hummels.
however, if i'm keeping it real as i'm not really prone to do, the only thing i'm obsessing about is the fact that my poor little dog is alone in the house and the first (and really only) rule of pet ownership is to not leave your pet in a burning building.
in summary, some life advice: if you can't do something constructive, do something neurotic.
i also can't remember whether or not i locked the door this morning.
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
it doesn't matter how you play the game, it's whether you win or lose
the other day i saw a real life recreation of a pivotal scene from "teen wolf".
you all know what i'm talking about...
now, "teen wolf" is an awesome, awesome movie. it taught us all the importance of both accepting and controlling our own inner wolf. see, the whole wolf thing is like a metaphor. a wonderfully weird, basketball playing metaphor.
and i felt like i needed to pull these real life teen wolves aside and explain how the whole point of teen wolf is to NOT go van surfing. and also, m.j.f. had a stunt man because standing on a van while your doofus friend veers around isn't- wait, what's the word?- SAFE. and also, m.j.f. had a stunt man do the whole skateboarding/holding on to a truck bumper thing too. just f.y.i.
you all know what i'm talking about...
now, "teen wolf" is an awesome, awesome movie. it taught us all the importance of both accepting and controlling our own inner wolf. see, the whole wolf thing is like a metaphor. a wonderfully weird, basketball playing metaphor.
and i felt like i needed to pull these real life teen wolves aside and explain how the whole point of teen wolf is to NOT go van surfing. and also, m.j.f. had a stunt man because standing on a van while your doofus friend veers around isn't- wait, what's the word?- SAFE. and also, m.j.f. had a stunt man do the whole skateboarding/holding on to a truck bumper thing too. just f.y.i.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
why blogging after a 10 hour day isn't smart
an irate russian woman threw a tea cup at the mona lisa yesterday.
i think this will become my new standard of stress measurement. am i mad enough to throw a teacup at the mona lisa? no? then i'm not really mad.
i've watched, like, every "end of the world"/"robot uprising" type movie there is this summer- i assume you've been doing the same (b.t.dub, one of the previews being shown is essentially doing nothing but giving credence to my crazy cousin's theory about the apocalypse and because, in my mind, mayan calender nuts are just repurposed nuts left over from y2k and shouldn't in any way be acknowledged, john cusack and i are fighting. tragedy.)- and it's changed me. not really. really. i will never change. let's talk about it...
1. far be it for me to bring up a topic as incensing as gun control i hate guns. they should be controlled. but i think all parties will agree that in a post apocalyptic world you will have to know how to shoot a gun. really well. so you won't be killed by a naked arnold schwartzenegger (tragedy).
this is just common sense.
which is why i secretly want to go to a gun range. to perfect my aim you do not want bad aim when facing naked arnold schwartzenegger.
this will also come in useful should i ever take up paintballing.
2. i'm chatty. i just am. it can come in handy or it can be incredibly annoying, i see this, but what really worries me is that when it comes to world-ending emergency type situations elvis had it right when he said he needs "a little less conversation, a little more action". being super chatty makes you expendable. unless you're super funny or british and i'm neither.
which is why i think it's best to pretend to be mute it's impossible to be killed if you're mute.
3. i used to think there was a karmic, golden rule kind of a thing when it came to life. but now that i have lived and i mean really lived i can tell you with all the experience of my 28 years that i still think there's a karmic, golden rule kind of thing when it comes to life. however, in post apocalyptic world, likability can be a major drawback. i mean sure, if you're evil or with the government or a nazi you'll get your comeupance and we'll all cheer (karma-ed!), but if you're super lovable? ya, you're also going to die. to make us all feel bad. you'll probably sacrifice yourself. and when you do, you'll probably say something poignant beforehand about the needs of the many outweighing the needs of the few... or the one.
and all i'm saying is, that is not for me.
so the next time i'm kind of jerk to you i'm probably just practicing not being too lovable. it could save my life!
4. my religion has a weird obsession with food storage. i'm sorry i'm not sorry but it's true. i completely understand and respect the idea of being industrious and self reliant. and i understand from a summer blockbuster perspective that when aliens invade, i'll be blockaded in my house and will be happy to have canned goods and water but i do not understand the weekly food storage email i get from my ward.
here's a sample...
"FOOD STORAGE/CANNING:
For the next 12 months, we are going to make an effort to help you gather food storage on $5.00 a week (for 2). Each week we will have the suggested items posted in the newsletter, along with other food storage ideas and even a few recipes to try. The suggested items will always be listed under the following topic: One Year Supply For $5.00 A Week for Two People
Each week take $5.00 and buy the specified items for a week. Remember that some weeks will not use all of the $5.00 and some weeks will use more than $5.00. Plan to set aside $5.00 each week regardless. There are also a few weeks you will have nothing to buy, but set aside the money for those weeks as well. By the end of the 52 weeks you will have 700 lbs. of wheat, 240 lbs. of sugar, 40 pounds of powdered milk, 13 lbs. of salt, 10 lbs. of honey, 5 lbs. of peanut butter, 45 cans of tomato soup, 32 cans of mushroom soup, 15 cans of tuna fish, 10 boxes of macaroni and cheese, 500 aspirin, 730 multiple vitamins, 6 lbs. of dried yeast, and 6 lbs. of shortening. This should sustain 2 people for 1 year.
*** Remember to add $5.00 more for every 2 additional people in your family.
Week 12: 4 cans Mushroom Soup, 2lbs Shortening"
although i appreciate the sentiment that this is food storage for two in my mind i'm blockaded in my home with orlando bloom, i refuse to be stuck in my house, hiding from aliens, eating cream of mushroom soup and 700 pounds of wheat.
what it really comes down to is this. when the world ends in 2012, i want to go out in the first wave. there's no way i want to make it through all the mass devastation just to mutely shoot the transformed kitchen appliances stealing my 40 pounds of powdered milk.
i think i've made my point.
i think this will become my new standard of stress measurement. am i mad enough to throw a teacup at the mona lisa? no? then i'm not really mad.
i've watched, like, every "end of the world"/"robot uprising" type movie there is this summer- i assume you've been doing the same (b.t.dub, one of the previews being shown is essentially doing nothing but giving credence to my crazy cousin's theory about the apocalypse and because, in my mind, mayan calender nuts are just repurposed nuts left over from y2k and shouldn't in any way be acknowledged, john cusack and i are fighting. tragedy.)- and it's changed me. not really. really. i will never change. let's talk about it...
1. far be it for me to bring up a topic as incensing as gun control i hate guns. they should be controlled. but i think all parties will agree that in a post apocalyptic world you will have to know how to shoot a gun. really well. so you won't be killed by a naked arnold schwartzenegger (tragedy).
this is just common sense.
which is why i secretly want to go to a gun range. to perfect my aim you do not want bad aim when facing naked arnold schwartzenegger.
this will also come in useful should i ever take up paintballing.
2. i'm chatty. i just am. it can come in handy or it can be incredibly annoying, i see this, but what really worries me is that when it comes to world-ending emergency type situations elvis had it right when he said he needs "a little less conversation, a little more action". being super chatty makes you expendable. unless you're super funny or british and i'm neither.
which is why i think it's best to pretend to be mute it's impossible to be killed if you're mute.
3. i used to think there was a karmic, golden rule kind of a thing when it came to life. but now that i have lived and i mean really lived i can tell you with all the experience of my 28 years that i still think there's a karmic, golden rule kind of thing when it comes to life. however, in post apocalyptic world, likability can be a major drawback. i mean sure, if you're evil or with the government or a nazi you'll get your comeupance and we'll all cheer (karma-ed!), but if you're super lovable? ya, you're also going to die. to make us all feel bad. you'll probably sacrifice yourself. and when you do, you'll probably say something poignant beforehand about the needs of the many outweighing the needs of the few... or the one.
and all i'm saying is, that is not for me.
so the next time i'm kind of jerk to you i'm probably just practicing not being too lovable. it could save my life!
4. my religion has a weird obsession with food storage. i'm sorry i'm not sorry but it's true. i completely understand and respect the idea of being industrious and self reliant. and i understand from a summer blockbuster perspective that when aliens invade, i'll be blockaded in my house and will be happy to have canned goods and water but i do not understand the weekly food storage email i get from my ward.
here's a sample...
"FOOD STORAGE/CANNING:
For the next 12 months, we are going to make an effort to help you gather food storage on $5.00 a week (for 2). Each week we will have the suggested items posted in the newsletter, along with other food storage ideas and even a few recipes to try. The suggested items will always be listed under the following topic: One Year Supply For $5.00 A Week for Two People
Each week take $5.00 and buy the specified items for a week. Remember that some weeks will not use all of the $5.00 and some weeks will use more than $5.00. Plan to set aside $5.00 each week regardless. There are also a few weeks you will have nothing to buy, but set aside the money for those weeks as well. By the end of the 52 weeks you will have 700 lbs. of wheat, 240 lbs. of sugar, 40 pounds of powdered milk, 13 lbs. of salt, 10 lbs. of honey, 5 lbs. of peanut butter, 45 cans of tomato soup, 32 cans of mushroom soup, 15 cans of tuna fish, 10 boxes of macaroni and cheese, 500 aspirin, 730 multiple vitamins, 6 lbs. of dried yeast, and 6 lbs. of shortening. This should sustain 2 people for 1 year.
*** Remember to add $5.00 more for every 2 additional people in your family.
Week 12: 4 cans Mushroom Soup, 2lbs Shortening"
although i appreciate the sentiment that this is food storage for two in my mind i'm blockaded in my home with orlando bloom, i refuse to be stuck in my house, hiding from aliens, eating cream of mushroom soup and 700 pounds of wheat.
what it really comes down to is this. when the world ends in 2012, i want to go out in the first wave. there's no way i want to make it through all the mass devastation just to mutely shoot the transformed kitchen appliances stealing my 40 pounds of powdered milk.
i think i've made my point.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
on sunday, my family and i celebrated the 42nd* annual julymas and i like to think you were all celebrating along with me... in your hearts.
the form my celebration took was to cook the traditional mountain of food and then eat it.
sadly, i didn't take any pictures of the feast but i did make a quick sketch of what it was basically like...
i'm very talented.
*give or take.
the form my celebration took was to cook the traditional mountain of food and then eat it.
sadly, i didn't take any pictures of the feast but i did make a quick sketch of what it was basically like...
i'm very talented.
*give or take.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
baba o'riley
last week, i went to the first of this summer's twilight concert series. it was all very impressive. from the flannel shirts to the crystal spiders to the solitary blonde effectively blocking the view of a whole wad of people by standing on a chair and trying to nonchalantly see who was looking at her (answer: all the people who can't see the stage because you're standing on a chair. that's who's looking at you).
by far the most impressive part of the whole thing was jenny lewis, whose voice is much more powerful than rilo kiley ever led me to believe.
i like music (possibly the most daring opinion anyone has ever posted on any website ever)(i'm a maverick) but having as many audiophile friends as i do, i don't feel i can claim anything more than that. as it is i'm worried i might have to prove my likeage through a series of trivia questions and karaoke challenges.
please. never put me through that kind of mental torture.
the other day, one of the little candy packaging balls of angst came into my office to brag about the class he'll be taking during his first semester of college.
"history of rock and roll".
now i know and you know this class is not going to be what he thinks it's going to be (coughcougheasyAcough) and that's okay. but you know what's not okay? the blank expression on his face when i jokingly offered to lend him some cds (the specific cds aren't important (coughcoughzeppelincough)). you know what else was not okay? his long pause and his earnest response, "um... no thanks. i'm pretty sure this class is basically going to be about, like, elvis."
this was the moment my new project (read: "new mix cd" (read: "rock 101: know it, don't blow it")) was born. a compilation of rock songs i really, just... like.
here's the question:
what's the first song you would think of to include in your own "know it, don't blow it" mix?
mine was the beatles "helter skelter".
i don't know why.
by far the most impressive part of the whole thing was jenny lewis, whose voice is much more powerful than rilo kiley ever led me to believe.
i like music (possibly the most daring opinion anyone has ever posted on any website ever)(i'm a maverick) but having as many audiophile friends as i do, i don't feel i can claim anything more than that. as it is i'm worried i might have to prove my likeage through a series of trivia questions and karaoke challenges.
please. never put me through that kind of mental torture.
the other day, one of the little candy packaging balls of angst came into my office to brag about the class he'll be taking during his first semester of college.
"history of rock and roll".
now i know and you know this class is not going to be what he thinks it's going to be (coughcougheasyAcough) and that's okay. but you know what's not okay? the blank expression on his face when i jokingly offered to lend him some cds (the specific cds aren't important (coughcoughzeppelincough)). you know what else was not okay? his long pause and his earnest response, "um... no thanks. i'm pretty sure this class is basically going to be about, like, elvis."
this was the moment my new project (read: "new mix cd" (read: "rock 101: know it, don't blow it")) was born. a compilation of rock songs i really, just... like.
here's the question:
what's the first song you would think of to include in your own "know it, don't blow it" mix?
mine was the beatles "helter skelter".
i don't know why.
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