Tuesday, February 28, 2006

driven

i am what the great thinkers of the world call...
a list maker.
i think it's because i'm not an especially driven person. i want to be driven but unfortunately i am what the great thinkers of the world call..
lazy.

so i make lists. millions of lists.
"to do" lists of every shape, color, and size.
some of them long term, some of them short term, and some of them in between term.
serious lists, flippant lists, surreal lists.
i make lists. billions of lists!
because every once in a while after i actually do some of the stuff on the list, i get to sit on my couch and watch vh1 without the usual nagging guilty feeling.

i cherish those moments.

which is why i will continue to make lists. trillions of lists!
inane lists written on post it notes and scattered in my room and on my desk and in my purse and on the dashboard of my car...
and odds are that at some point during the day i'll be able to check something off.
and that, my friends, is a very good feeling!

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

family tree

my mother's mother's father immigrated to the u.s. from sweden about 50 billion years ago.
if there is one thing i believe, it's that nothing is more important than undestanding who our ancestor's were and where they came from, because it is their influence and not the touch and feel of cotton that make up the fabric of our lives.
for example, because of my swedish mother's mother's father, i pronounce "ya" as "yaw".
and i'm the poster child for passive aggression.
because if there is one thing i believe, it's that you should never admit to being annoyed or angry with someone. no matter what. in fact, you should probably never admit to being annoyed or angry with anything. whether animate or no.
for example, i keep track of the books i read in my journal and i rate them on a scale from1-4 stars so that in the future i'll know which ones are worth reading again. however, i've yet to give a book less than 3 stars because that would seem harsh.
and even though i vowed to take the black eyed peas off the "favorite music" portion of my profile the next time i heard "my humps", when the time came i couldn't do it.
because if there is one thing i believe, it's that "let's get it started" is one of the best dance party songs in the history of the world. and those who have a love of "the dance" need to show loyalty to good dance songs in the continuing effort to stomp out the lame ones.
for example, we should twist and shout, beat it, and fight for our right to party as often as possible.
otherwise we'll be overrun with oops i did it agains and my milkshake bringing boys to the bar.
and if there is one thing i believe, it's that songs like that make my swedish mother's mother's father roll over in his grave.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

expectations

unquestionably there are days when men are the preferable gender.

but today is not one of these days.

nope. today is one of those days where the men fall horribly short of the delightful woman type gender.
because when you chop about a foot of hair off your head, the woman gender squeals with excitement and calls you a short haired goddess while the man gender for the most part does not notice. and those of the masculine gender who do (with the exception of 2, thus far) furrow their brow and say, "what did you do to your hair?"

cut it.
i cut it.

tomorrow i'll go back to my blind and somewhat dysfunctional adoration of men and their quirks. i'll go back to what, in my estimation are very low expectations for one half of the world's population. i just need a catalyst.
maybe i'll watch "indiana jones". or something starring the ever inspirational hugh jackman.
but today i sit at my desk bewildered.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

search engine

i always find the randomest websites when i'm using a search engine. i'll type in something normal like "string cheese" and end up on a website about the korean war.
ok. that's a lie. i've never searched for "string cheese" ever. i don't even know what the korean war was. i assume it was fought in korea. i was taking some literary license but frankly, i don't want to get on oprah winfrey's bad side so i'm going to stop with the exaggeration for interest's sake, and stick to the truth.
um... so... i'll type in something normal like "easter bunny" and end up on a website with a photoshopped santa picture.
it's very confusing.
so i did a little research to see what searches were leading people to my randomness. apparently "katie couric bird poop", "cute hairdos for black girls", and "mexican rattlesnake powder" have all led people to my blog.
which makes no sense.
however, the fact that my blog popped up when someone searched for "the perfect woman" makes all the sense in the world.

Friday, February 10, 2006

totally

yep.
i could definitely live on a cruise ship.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

1 part strongbad, 2 parts "simpsons", 5 parts hydrocortisone. stir and let sit for 10 hours

as much as i try to fight it, deep down i know i've found my life's calling.
and that calling is sitting in front of a certain chocolate store in the mall.
and writing on big chocolatey hearts with frosting.

it's not that i'm good.
it's that i'm so good.
maybe not so much with the skill and the penmanship, but with the getting inside the heads of the provonian mall rats.
they love me and my little frosting messages.
they flock to me with open arms and five dollar bills, demanding more of my sugary brilliance!

i'm just saying, 10 hours of that in one day is enough to make anyone not really care that one of their hands is completely numb.
ok, well, maybe the apathy is 2 parts accolade and 1 part high dosage of benadryl.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

i had a whole post worked out where i was going to talk about my experience with phase 1 of the south beach diet.
it would be scathing.
it would border on brilliance.
and it would of course make fun of... well... me.

but i woke up this morning completely covered in a very itchy, very red, very swollen rash, and my eyes and throat are also very swollen and itchy. it's inexplicable and it's very very unpleasant.
so, here i sit at work with a bottle of benedryl, a tube of hydrocortisone cream, and a diet coke with lime, using all my mental effort to not cough, or scratch, or touch my eyes.

still... something must be said.
because i have very strong feelings about this whole sitution.
feelings that are perhaps best expressed through graphic art.



you should see the interpretive dance.