Tuesday, December 27, 2005

work it

i'm not really in a "christmas with the peterson family" story telling kind of a mood.
so here's a picture of my dad, carolyn, and me dancing.

and if you don't find it that funny, maybe you should look at it again but this time hum something like "hypnotize" or "let's get it started".

Monday, December 19, 2005


i don't think my title needs any explanation.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

ho ho ho

dear family, friends, and other,

merry christmas!

you all mean so very much to me. and that's why for your gifts this year i've made a donation in your name to the "save kathryn's car" foundation.

because it's all about giving, really.


Tuesday, December 13, 2005


according to several sources, the ugliest dog in the world died.
days before his 15th birthday.

may he rest in peace.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

get L O S T

this weekend i experienced what will go down in history as the great L O S Tathon of 2005.
pretty self explanatory, it involved laying on my homemade futon with chocolate mini donettes, diet coke, and my lap top and rewatching the entire first season of "L O S T" in a 72 hour period.
sigh... oh, "L O S T".
and i was L O S T. 100% emmersed in the show.
and now that i've pretty much L O S T touch with reality in a way that only a person who's been doing nothing but watching fictional characters play gilligan for three days can, let me tell you...
sawyer has a very fine abdominal section and i'm glad he's so very proud of it.
locke is still creepy.
second only to walt.
and the french lady.
and i'm telling you, the "monster" is something mechanical. the numbers are everywhere. did i mention sawyer's abs? if iraqi soldiers are all like sayid then i don't get how they L O S T the gulf war. michael's totally going to go after sun at some point. who hasn't kate killed? and isn't it convenient that a nigerian heroin smuggler crashed on the island?
and hurley.
i just love him.

i don't actually have a point. really truly i don't. i'm not even sure whether to mock myself by bringing up the fact that i cry during every sun/jin episode or try to convince as many people as i can to join the L O S Tness.
so i settled on making as many "L O S T" puns as i could without sounding like an "e!" channel list show ("it looks like katie holmes and tom have set their love on 'cruise' control")

Thursday, December 08, 2005


there are certain things you can pull off in your youth...

that you can't continue pulling off when you're no longer "just a girl"...

i don't know why.
it's true though.
and for the most part i've come to terms with it. i can't dye my hair purple, i can't wear plastic jewelry, and i should probably get rid of a good portion of my t-shirts.

but at least i'm not wearing leggings.
stupid gwen stefani.

Monday, December 05, 2005

you're fired

stuck in my head: "ice ice baby" by vanilla ice.
i'm not proud of it.

reason #217 why i wish i'd called in sick today...

caught in between two sides of an extremely catty power play.
and i've watched "the apprentice" often enough to know that the person who lets themselves get caught in the middle usually ends up being fired.

forget me not

yes. the rumors are true. i forgot my mother's birthday yesterday.
i'm pretty sure you can go to hell for something like that.
my karma's completely messed up now. on my way to work this morning i HIT A GARBAGE CAN and shattered my side view mirror.

something must be done. something drastic. something to reallign the beautiful cosmos of my life. so i've been going through the list of presents i've bought recently but haven't ended up giving people to see what i can give my mother to appease her.
trendy bright green necklace? no.
wallet with bunny that says "buy me stuff and i'll be nicer"? probably not.
darth vader mask? hmm... not bad.
a can of chicken and stars soup? perhaps.
gift certificate to book store? that actually might work.
chocolate, lot's and lot's of chocolate? duh.
a kite with a dragon on it? hot chocolate mix? a pair of earrings that broke? my first born??

i'm in so much trouble.

Friday, December 02, 2005


stuck in my head: "it's judy's turn to cry"
but just the chorus, cuz that's all i know.

reason 77 why i hate winter
i woke up late, jumped in the shower, jumped out of the shower, threw on some clothes, ran out the door... and died.

froze to death.
right there.
on the sidewalk.
i knew this girl (or knew a girl who knew this girl) (or something) who grew up in alaska, and was on the swim team and after practice they'd have to run to the locker rooms with were in a different building. and the girls' hair would freeze. and once another girl karate chopped her frozen hair and it BROKE OFF!

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

letter from alanis

dear the public,

remember when i was all angsty and bitter at canada for turning me into their version of debbie gibson thus compelling me to make a grammy winning, multiplatinum album whose popularity i could never eclipse no matter how reborn and at peace and singing about india i was?
ya? well, i don't know that you do remember because i've just been informed that after 10 years, album sales are starting to taper. and that's not going to work for me. there's this little thing called "a lifestyle" which i have become accustomed to- you know, taking trips to asia, heading up anti bush campaigns- and i don't understand why you people refuse to keep me in it.
i've tried other methods of appeasing you. remember when i made that video where i was thanking random things and was naked the whole time and on the subway and standing on a corner and everyone was suddenly so thankful for the invention of the blurry dot?
and then there was the whole "i'm not afraid to play god in a kevin smith movie" phase. hehehe... that was fun.
but even that didn't make you as happy as my song about having one hand in my pocket! so what did i do? i stuck with what worked. a few months ago i re-recorded the entire "jagged little pill" album but did it all acousticky so it would reflect a new side of my angst.
some of you bought it. which is good, although i can't understand why you didn't buy two or three copies. listen, i've got a b list celebrity fiancee to support. and it's not like we're getting any "two guys a girl and a pizza place" syndication checks in the mail.
so here's what i've done. i've released my greatest hits album. it has all the songs you loved before. including, but not limited to the song i wrote about dave coulier a.k.a joey from "full house" a.k.a the surprisingly down to earth one from that season of "surreal life" just like eric estrada and that peter brady guy. you love that song, remember? you sing it at the top of your lungs every time you get dumped! you should own as many different versions of that song as you can get your hands on!
and you should buy a greatest hits cd for all of your loved ones for christmas. who knows! maybe the song "still" will start to grow on them.
in any case, it's the only solution i can think of besides, you know, making an entirely new and original album.

la morissette

Sunday, November 27, 2005


the holidays.

that most wonderful time of year
where you dread getting on the bathroom scale
for fear of what you will find there.

Saturday, November 26, 2005


broadway musicals inevitabley get made into movies. you get the cheap, homogenized version of an on stage classic.
thank goodness.
i grew up watching those movies. i love LOVE movie musicals. and maybe most of the energy and performance quality gets sapped out when you watch a actor lip syncing on the big screen. maybe it is kind of annoying when you talk about a beloved musical and someone says, "oh definitely! and minnie driver was great."
but i don't live on broadway and i'll take what i can get.
that said, i saw "rent" yesterday. growing up it was one of three musicals i wasn't allowed to see. and since i will always feel the need to rebel against my mother in any way i can, i went to see it.
and it was fine.
not very good.
but at least i got to see the context of all the songs i've listened to over the years. plus, in the opening scene one of the characters is wearing the exact same outfit that carlton used to always wear on "fresh prince of belair". and one of the guys from "newsies" had a bit part in it. and there's this part where mimi dies but then comes back to life that's so horribly done i wanted to kill myself.
and then come back to life.
and telling a story about my dead, drag queen friend who was standing in the bright light.
i bet "rent" was amazing when it first came out. but 10 years later it's lost it's societal relevance. and i for one couldn't really dwell on the fact that they were all gay and aids ridden because i was too distracted by the fact that they were living in a loft in new york for FREE.
a good portion of the audience walked out of the theater before it was half over. i'd never seen so many people walk out of a movie before. and, i mean, i saw "from justin to kelly".
i'm guessing they exchanged their tickets so they could see that nice little harry potter flick again.
which is fine.
they shouldn't be forced to watch something they find offensive.
but what did they really think "rent" was about?
maybe they didn't research it after their mothers forbade them to go see it when they were teenagers.

in any case, "the producers" is coming out soon and i'm very excited about it.

Friday, November 25, 2005

thanksgiving 2005: adventures in armoury

crazy cousin once removed: where are the green beans? WHERE ARE THE GREEN BEANS??
great aunt: they're still cooking.
ccor: great. GREAT! you make everything you like, but the one thing i want it STILL COOKING!!
me: seriously. she's so selfish.
great aunt: they'll be done in 5 minutes.
ccor: GAAAH!
(five minutes later)
ccor: FINALLY!!
me: it's a good thing you didn't over react.
ccor: what?
me: no. seriously. you played it really cool.

in an attempt to break with tradition, i decided that this thanksgiving i would bond with my cousin. and with the above exception, i pretty much stayed on his good side. i listened to him talk about 'nam. i went with him to walmart and helped him buy a water pik. i admired his gun collection (not a euphemism, so don't even go there). and when he said he'd hidden the last gun in his collection upstairs "just in case", i smiled and said, "good thinking".

i've turned over a new leaf again.

in other words, i have no crazy stories to tell.
nothing involving my boobs.
or getting punched in the stomach.
or choked.
or held at knife point in the kitchen.
or having my butt grabbed.
or getting hit in the head with a hammer.

i know this might disappoint some of you.

but my crazy cuz and i have totally bonded.

we are now, in fact, on such good terms that at the end of the night he gave me a gift...

ya... i'm totally bringing this with me to future family dinners.
who needs sarcasm when you have a really sharp knife?

Tuesday, November 22, 2005


i inevitabley have to deal with people who test my personal credos.
especially when my credo is that i should be nice to everyone, no matter what.
extraspecially if they come up to my office and say, "um... there's someone in the men's bathroom."
and i'm all like, "oh... that's too bad."
and they're like, "i really have to go. is there another bathroom?"
and i'm all, "well, there's a girl's bathroom on the other side of the factory, but i wouldn't recommend it."
and they're all, "i reeally have to go."
and i'm like, "hu."
and they're like, "so what should i do?"
and i'm all, "i guess you just need to summon up all your willpower."
and they pause for a second and then they're all, "summon up all my willpower? what does that mean?"
and then i decide i've had enough and i turn back to my computer and i say, "that means hold it."

i'm ready to throw my credo out.

Monday, November 21, 2005


in my opinion, setting a goal is terrifying.
because you might not acheive it.
maybe "goal" isn't the right word to use, because i set a lot of goals everyday which i don't keep. and i don't really have a problem with it. i've already made it my goal twice today to "stop with the caffeine already".
nope. "goal" isn't the right word to use. but neither is "dream". it's a little too corn bally with a bit of martin luther king jr thrown into the mix.
to appease the semanticism of this particular ernie sabella entry let's say this, we all have our ambitions. our mt. everests that we say we're going to climb someday, but pretty much we just day dream about it. turning the whole effort part of it into a happy little mantage in our heads, kind of glossing over the hard work part of it, and mostly thinking about how fun it would be once all the hard work/mantagey stuff is over.
and there's nothing wrong with that. everybody day dreams. it's a good way to escape the mid afternoon boredom that is a nine to five work day. i have this one day dream involving scott baio and the end scene of "an officer and a gentleman"... i'm getting a little side tracked.
sometimes you decide to make your everest ambitions a reality (i'm not talking about chachi anymore), and that's what's terrifying to me, because the minute an ambition becomes a goal, there's a chance of failure.
and when i think about how i can't mantage my way through the hard work...

Thursday, November 17, 2005

sense and sensitivity

today my mom left a message on my phone saying her brother had died.
i was not aware that my mom had a brother.
and what an inappropriate time to spring that information on me.

and then i remembered that i knew she had a brother. and a sister. 2 sisters? maybe even three. and maybe a few more brothers.
but step brothers and sisters. or half. i'm not really sure how it works. but they're all my grandmother's age. and i've never met them. well, i met one once. but it was a long time ago and she was old and i thought she was my great aunt.

i called my mom back and didn't really know what to say, because i'd never met this step/half brother once removed (can step/half brothers be once removed?). and i don't know how close my mom is to him since i've never known her to call him, or visit him, or write him a note. or really even talk about him except when she would talk to my grandma about how he did geneology and he'd become really really fat. wait. maybe it's her cousin who does the geneology.

the conversation went pretty well, though.
and i might be going to his funeral in southern utah next tuesday.

here's hoping they don't ask me to give the eulogy.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005


dear ernie sabella*,

i like being busy. i like, what those of us who speak the chocolate biz lingo refer to as, the busy holiday season.
but i don't like that there are things i don't get to blog about when i'm busy...

i hate dr. laura.

i went to best buy on saturday and insulted salesguy tristan.

there is nothing that easy cheese doesn't make better.

i tried to take an online quiz about what my political views were, but somehow ended up taking a relationship quiz which said i was "deliberate", "brutal", "a priss", and that i "use sex as a weapon".
duh. tell me something i don't know.

the third time i bought a diet coke during one guy's shift, he said, "again?" and i said, "apparently there's not enough diet coke in the world to satisfy me today." and he said, "hu. i don't drink soda." and i said, "i don't know how to talk to you." and left.

i think this older (the "er" added out of politeness) man was trying to hit on me at work today. a chocolate supplier. trying desperately to start up a meaningful conversation where we would have mutual interests and i would see that he was pretty hip after all. and at one point he looked at what i was designing and said, "hehe... it's amazing what they can do with computers nowadayz..." and i started giggling. yes, grandpa, it is amazing. people use these new fangled computers all the time. and they drive around in horseless carriages. and they don't listen to cole porter on black vinyl disks anymore.

i love g&r's "sweet child of mine". i can't help it.

eternally yours,

*my blog has gone unnamed for way too long.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

power of love

if you're totally busy and you end up taking a late lunch and you're driving along sandhill road around 3:15ish, you might be lusky enough to see my favorite couple. they get around on a skateboard. it's adorable. because tiny blonde girl stands on the front of the skateboard and backwards baseball cap boy stands on the back and pushes and holds tiny blonde girl up.
and if you listen close enough you can hear "the power of love" playing in the background.
i can't help thinking that the skateboard couple is a metaphor for something.
i don't know what.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

what happened to miss independent?

she's right here... she's right here.
i spent all day yesterday finding, buying, and building A FUTON.
it took me all day because i'm very much not good at lifting, loading, reading directions, screwdrivering, and all that jazz.
i'd like to give a shout out to walmart's ryan and tyler for trying to shove a box full of futon into my two door car. and i'd also like to explain to 17 year old ryan and married tyler that me asking them when they would be at my apartment to unload, was not a proposition but a joke. but if it hadn't been a joke, tyler, you showed a lot of integrity and ryan, um... thanks?
and while i'm dishing out gratitude, thanks to random glasses man for helping me balance the box-o-futon on my cart.
and thanks to random buying shampoo girl for helping me steer my cart.
and thanks to the family in the mini van for not laughing at me when i tried to go down the ramp and the cart tipped over and the b-o-f rolled out in front of them.
and thanks to the employees of the wendy's drive thru who were unbelievably fast at getting me my #5 combo meal when i realized at 6pm that i hadn't eaten all day and that i should probably take a break from the finding, buying, and building of the futon because i kept on catching myself thinking, "why am i doing this? why am i relying on the kindness of strangers at walmart? i didn't move to a different state, why aren't there people finding, buying, and building a futon for me?"
you know, and it's not that i don't have a fantastically thoughtful little support group. it's just that the older i get, the more responsible i'm supposed to be and the more conditional favors start to feel. especially the heavy lifting favors because it seems like there's nothing but ryan's and tyler's out there.
but now is not the time to deal with my trust issues.
now is the time for me to lay down on my beautifully completed futon (except for the last bolt which disappeared (i'm totally going to start using the phrase, "one bolt short of a futon")) and bask in the facts that 1. i did something i didn't think i'd be able to do and 2. i live in a city where strangers aren't afraid to offer help.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

"i was whack." "no, i was whack."

first of all, let me point out that this morning i woke up in a puddle of mattress because my air mattress had sprung a leak at some point during the night. my reaction? hit snooze and try to roll over, and when that proved impossible, shrug. and go back to sleep.

i had to go to work without brushing my teeth, because my roomate was in the shower and i was very very late. the last time i went without brushing my teeth was... now let's see... way back in.... oh ya, that's right NEVER!

oral hygeine is very important to me.

i feel very uncomfortable right now.

because i have this obsession with bad breath. so i'm chewing an insane amount of eclipse: polar ice gum and keeping everyone at arms length which, actually, i should have as a work rule anyways, and figuring that i can probably go home to brush during lunch if i skip the lunch part of lunch.

anyways, waking up in a destroyed bed... running hideously late to work... that had no effect on my mood, but not brushing my teeth came very very close to ruining my day. especially when i couldn't find my eclipse:polar ice at first. which i'm thinking ups me to nut status. priorities hugely out of whack. a complete lack of rationale.
but, you know, i'm not the only nut.
my sister has this insane, post-pubescent idea that her arms are fat. cap sleeves freak her out.
lincoln has to have all the bills in his wallet facing the same way and in ascending monetary order. i tried to take up his system but gleaned no sense of accomplishment from organizing my three $1 bills.
and don't even get me started on the roomates i've had over the years. slurpee diets, fear of washing cups, the firm belief that their hair falls out more than anyone else in the apartment, using only white plastic hangers...
and those are the roomates i liked.

i want to think that i know the most dysfunctional people on earth. because that would be really interesting and i could probably make a lot of money from writing a book about it. but i have this suspicion that my people are no weirder than anyone else's people.
which is fine too.
i mean, it's kind of interesting. and i could probably make no money from writing a blog about them.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005


dear diary,

i went to olive garden last night with my second favorite person ever*. i, of course, spent 10 minutes assuring the seating hostess that she really could do her hair like mine, she just needed a lot of aquanet and a smaller curling iron. and that, no really, that's all she needed.
our waiter was odd. now, when i say that i mean that his name was "odd". and also that he acted odd. i've actually had odd as a waiter before. he's reeeally touchy about his name. he doesn't like for you to ask him about it. and when he explains that it's short for "oddysseus" (yes, with two d's) he doesn't like for you to ask him if his parents are into epic poetry. and when he says that actually his parents were bikers, he does not appreciate your snickering.
so last night i knew to smile politely, to say that everything he did was perfect, and to not question the fact that he brought six extra forks with our desserts.
which i think, all in all, worked out pretty well because when he brought us our bill he looked over his shoulder and said, "are there any managers around?... ok. good. look, i had a bunch of tables in the other room and i feel like i wasn't very attentive to you guys, and you guys seem pretty cool... so... here... i gave you some extra mints."
um... ok.
also, i found gas for $2.53 a gallon. after my ridiculously overpriced diet coke and breadsticks i swerved into the station and yelled, "now
this is where i make my money back!"

i guess my point is that it doesn't matter that i'm not in l.a. today. it doesn't matter that my business meeting got cancelled at the very last minute. and that i've been completely stressed trying to get 30 billion "victorian" labels put together. it doesn't matter.
because i have a full tank of gas, and a purse full of mints.
and a hint of indigestion.


*second only to the inventor of excedrin.

van down by the river

dear those of you who always thought i could make it as a motivational speaker,
this might change your mind.
yours, kat.

life rarely goes the way i plan it. phew.

yet inevitabley i plan.

because the way i'm thinking it works is that fate/dumb luck/life require that i make the first move before they can take me in the opposite direction.

and i'm also thinking that i can't sit around and wait for things to happen. because then i would be a fatalist and fatalists think that nothing they do matters and they're victims to circumstance.
i hate fatalists.
even though i think that as a mormon i technically fall into the fatalism catagory.


Sunday, October 23, 2005


listen, i'm not entirely crazy. there are certain impulses that i know deep down are just plain wrong.
like how i want to buy cowboy boots. it's wrong.
and my desire for a personalized t-shirt that has a cartoon monkey in a school bus on it. so wrong.

but then there are times when the wrongness line isn't as clear.
like when i propose to the mall ice cream man. er, boy. well, not a boy, but not yet a man.
i'd like to think that there's no shame in that kind of whirlwind, chocolate-icecream-brownie-hot-fudge-volcano-centric romance no matter how mrs. robinsonesque it might be.
i'd like to think that being invited to his band's nursing home gig that night was nothing but adorable.
but because i'm not entirely crazy, i have a nagging feeling that my short lived affair with the icecream manboy was, well, wrongish.

man... remember the part about the hot fudge volcano?

it's like i was proclaiming on friday, when it comes to the female obsession with chocolate, man's role is not to question, but to enable.

Friday, October 21, 2005

easter bunny

my work related mental blocks often require that i google image my brains out for new ideas.

today i was looking for something old fashionedy.
and easter bunnyish.

and this is what i found...


the picture itself is called "easter bunny from hell".
and i cannot stop laughing.
that poor baby.
sigh... that just kills me.

who knows what kind of candy labels will come from this.

as per request

in response to nessa's list...

7 things i plan to do before i die
own my own business go to europe go skiing get a manicure live outside of utah get my cavity taken care of read les miserables

7 things i can do
the splits make candy labels sight read music watch "billy madison" from start to finish in my head say "shut up and kiss me" in 12 languages draw slip through very small cracks in windows

7 things i cannot do
keep a straight face watch a movie without announcing who the actors are and what else they've been in smell drive the speed limit an even somewhat convincing impression of wayne from "wayne's world" stand still when there's music playing

7 things i find most attractive about the opposite sex
kindness sarcasmy sense of humor height big smile unassuming talented motivated

7 things that i say most often
"and that's fine" "hey how ya doin' whatchya doin' what's going on what's happening?" "i don't want to talk about it." "i don't even care." "good times" "bring it" "g'oh"

7 celebrity crushes
david boreanaz will smith jimmy fallin gavin degraw hugh jackman collin firth christian bale

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

had to be

"you're funny...
...you know, they say pretty women usually aren't funny because they never had to be.
were you a fat child?"

Monday, October 17, 2005

not dead yet

back to the land of the living.
kind of.
normally i wouldn't wear a "wanted: one cute cowboy" hoodie to work.
but for the most part it's back to the land of the living.

bring it.

which reminds me*...

i enjoy reading and i mean, really who doesn't?. when people ask me, "so... what do you like to do?" reading usually makes the list, although i wouldn't say i'm well read. ok. i would. if you were a boy. and i wanted to impress you. because you looked like you're into brainy chicks. and i felt like i needed to somehow negate my hoodie. if that happened? i'd say i was well read. but i wouldn't mean it. i'm a slow reader and impatient, so it usually takes 100 pages of forcing myself to focus before i get into a book enough to enjoy it.
but then there are the books that make me love reading. a handful of incredible books that i become immediately engrossed in. and all of a sudden i choose reading over tv, or sleep, or staring at a wall. this doesn't happen often.
i have decided that "to kill a mockingbird" is one of those books.
one of the incredibles.
i could not put it down. and even when i did manage to put it down i couldn't stop thinking about it because the characters were tangible, and the story had become real. and i kept having to censor myself in conversations because i'd almost forget that my world and harper lee's world are not the same world, and people really don't care what happened to scout today.
when i was a little art student, i went to a lot of seminars and had a lot of opinionated professors and was basically flooded with a billion different ideas about what art should or shouldn't be. i've forgotten it all. it's gone. all of it. except for one statement that art should portray "what ought to be" which sounds nice, but who knows how that would all work exactly. but if you ask me, "to kill a mockingbird" is art because atticus finch represents the way people ought to be.
i'm glad i watched that episode of "gilmore girls" where they referenced boo radley, making me think to myself, "hu. i haven't read that book since i was twelve. i bet i'd like it more now than i did then."
thank you g.g's. you've yet to let me down.
thank you, also, gregory peck. wink wink.

*ok ok... my hoodie in no way reminded me of "to kill a mocking bird". i was struggling for a segue. majorly struggling.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

last will and testament

i'm dying.

this isn't exactly the way i wanted to go, but... you know... it happens.
i have pink eye. at age 24.
and now i think the pink eye has spread to my throat.
and ears.
and nose.
and brain.

in the last hour i've put 5 excedrin, 2 prescription eye drops, a glass of airborne, 20 cookies, a chicken quesadilla, 30 billion mentholated cough drops, and 20 ounces of diet coke into my system. and i just found some old codeine. that'll probably be next.

but what i'm saying is... if the codeine doesn't help, i'm going to chop my head off.

and in that eventuality, i need to settle a few things...

mom, to you i leave all the stuff i've stolen from home over the years.
daddy, you can have my laptop so you will no longer need to borrow it and say, "i need to get one of these... how do you turn it on?"
liz, my "buffy" dvd's are all yours.
lincoln, you get the container of artificial sweetener i stole from chili's.
kate, to you i leave the best thing of all... my chocolate jar.
em, you get nothing. because you gave me pink eye.
jacob, you can have whatever you want. because let's face it, i'm a pushover for 3 year olds. especially 3 year olds that call me and ask if my eyes are still sick.

everyone else will have to fight over the rest of my stuff. especially the pictures of me.
i might be gone, but the shrine of me should still live on.


Monday, October 10, 2005

flights of fancy

i fancy myself a moderately healthy person.
and by that i mean that i think to myself, "heh, i should so not be eating this" as i shove yet another parmisan cheese pretzel into my mouth.

i fancy myself a moderately active person.
and by that i mean that i think to myself, "heh, i should so be outside doing something" as i lay on my couch and watch "simpsons".

i fancy myself a moderately reasonable person.
and by that i mean that i think to myself, "heh, i should so not be freaking out about this" as i pretend to talk on my cell phone so i can leave a room crammed full of my awkwardness and sit in a random bedroom and spend a half hour organizing some playing cards i found on the dresser.

a part of me realizes that what i want to be and what i am are two very different things.
which is why i'm sincerely glad that the bigger part of me... is delusional.

Friday, October 07, 2005


in case any of you were wondering...
no, i am not a computer programmer.
i don't know html.
to me, the inner workings of the internet are better left undelved.

just in case anyone was wondering.

side note: does anyone like country music? because i suddenly find myself with 2 free tickets to brooks and dunn tomorrow night.
who's brooks and dunn?

Wednesday, October 05, 2005


my memory is full.
i'm bad with names, dates, places, and pretty much everything that has to do with remembering because i've filled up my pretty little head with too much uselessness during high school and college. and now there's no more room for anything new or important.
i want to clean out the hard drivein my head. i want to find a way to get rid of the words to the canadian national anthem. i want my 9th grade locker combination gone. the song i played at my piano recital when i was 15, the church's young women's theme, all the episode names to "buffy" seasons 2-6, the code names i gave the boys i liked my sophmore year, the fact that ron howard's brother is in every single one of his movies, the pythagorean theorum, the words to salt n peppa's "shoop"...
it can all go.
because i have to learn a new program for work.
by tomorrow.

side note: and to quote my good friend liz, i'd like to give a "good old fashioned 90's style" birthday shout out to my sister carolyn...


Monday, October 03, 2005


a lot of people look to my blog to keep them abreast of today's "hot topics".
because i never shy away from controversy.
no way. i look controversy straight in the eye and i say, "you don't scare me, bucko."
that's right.

i hate that there are state quarters.
it's idiotic.
i was getting a diet coke from the vending machine, as i've done before and as i will do again, most likely very soon, and i grabbed all the change out of my pocket and realized that i was checking the backs of all my quarters so that i wouldn't spend a new one. because should i find a 2005 one, i'm supposed to save it and give it to my mother and grandmother who have these cardboard maps of the u.s. with a space for each state's quarter.
luckily i didn't have any new ones. only ohio and connecticut. so i was able to get my soda.
in a society that's been known to have a "beanie baby craze" why would our government introduce collectable currency?
really lame collectable currency that doesn't even light up. or speak.
and i'm dreading the day in, like, 2007 when the utah quarter comes out because then everytime i'm standing in line at walmart or mcdonalds, the person in front of me will make the cashier go through all of the quarters in the register so they can add to their treasured pile of utah quarters hoarded in their dresser drawer.
and you know the utah quarter's gonna have a beehive on it.
and bees are so not cool.
not that conneticut's tree, or georgia's peach is any better.
but i'm not grading on a curve.

all i know is that in two thousand whenever, when my mother presents me with my completed quarter map, i'm totally going to...
save it.
i'll want to go to the movies.
and pull out my map at the ticket window and take the quarters out one at a time to pay for my ticket to "spiderman 57: the geriatric arachnid strikes back" because money is meant to be spent.
but i won't. i'll save it. because that quarter map will be my mother's labor of love. and more than that it will be the result of 15 years of never being sure whether or not i'll be buying a diet coke.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

mix cd

i leave it to you...

best break up songs

(sappy, heart break ballads need not apply)

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

number 300 a.k.a. chicken pot pie

you might ask me why i'm in a good mood today.
and i might tell you it's because i get to put all my belongings which i somehow managed to cram into my little two door car (sans the box of cheerios my mom woke me up to remind me to take) into an apartment. an apartment. my apartment. courtesy of this man and his wife.
no. more. commuting.
and no more exorbitant weekly gas expenditures. (there are way too many big words in that sentence)

to show my gratitude to my parents for their patience with my boxes lining their hallways for the last month, i decided to make sunday dinner. chicken pot pie.
my own recipe.
which i invented.
while i was making it.
on sunday.
now that i look back at it, i think my main weakness with cooking is that i approach it the same way i did when i was ten... if it looks good, throw it in. this is the technique that led to the banana/tang/peanut butter smoothie of '91.

and the black bean surprise of '98.

i will say this about the chicken pot pie of '05....
1. i liked it,
2. it may or may not have made my dad sick to his stomach,
and 3. last night for an "apartment warming" present, my mom gave me a cookbook.

Monday, September 26, 2005


every couple of years i go through my cell phone and delete the people i don't call anymore.
it's a big event, because i can't help feeling that deleting a phone number is the same thing as deleting a person from my life.
and, i mean, really it is the same thing. because i don't have any phone numbers memorized.
and i never have the energy to look one up.
then, i go through my instant messenger list.
and really once you're off of my hotmail contacts list, you're out of my life.
this is not something i take lightly.
which is why i only do this every couple of years.
if i did it any more regularly i'd be a horrible, callous recluse.

so, what have we learned today?
that i'm not ready for pizza pipeline to be gone from my life.

Sunday, September 25, 2005


"lost" is the best show on television.
and i intend to prove this statement.
but please bear in mind that i haven't taking geometry since i was a freshman in high school
and even then, i wasn't good at proofs.

given: a group of blog readers with good taste in tv shows.
prove: "lost" is the best show on tv.

axiom 1: people with good taste want to watch something besides the 5 billion copycat reality shows out there. ("martha stewart's apprentice" theorum)
axiom 2: a good non reality tv drama has a lot of intensity, plot twists, and action. ("dallas" theorum)
axiom 3: intense situtions are made more intense and believable if the characters are dynamic. (my 11th grade english teacher talking to us about shakespeare theorum)
axiom 4: dynamic characters are made more interesting when there's a love triangle. (every movie ever made theorum)
axiom 5: especially when there's a bad boy in the love triangle. (han solo theorum)
axiom 6: good plot+good characters+rabid polar bears, unexplained island hatches, cursed lottery numbers, and miraculous de-crippling= the best show on television. ("lost" is the best show on tv theorum)

so there you go.
it's unflappably logical.

maybe some of you aren't keen on logic.
to those of you i say: the season premiere showed us that inside the mysterious island hatch...
... is a man named desmond.
see? best show on tv.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005


ok ok. maybe i've been a bit hastey.
maybe utah's autumns aren't all bad.
and maybe the indian summer part of utah's autumn is the most beautiful time of the year.

Monday, September 19, 2005


this morning, all my stuff had been moved to another desk.
i don't know why.
i don't really care why.
they can move me to the closet if they want,
and my mood won't change.

Saturday, September 17, 2005


if there's anything i've learned from watching "star wars", it's this...
everyone needs an obiwan.
or a yoda.
or even just a mentor.

and i have one.
seriously, his name was batu.
he was my intermediate drawing professor.

really all he ever did was compliment my drawings a lot in a really thick mongolian accent.
but that's kind of yoda-ish, right?

the point is, he made me want to be an artist. later on, i had so many insane professors who told me my contour drawings were not up to par, and i had no handle on what cubism was, and once a professor walked up behind me and said, "gosh! you SUCK today!"...

but somewhere in the back of my mind i could here batu saying, "ooooohhhhh.... so beauteefull! so deleecut."
it was my own little, "use the force the luke" mantra.

Thursday, September 15, 2005


when i was six years old, i broke my nose. and i when i say i broke my nose, i mean that my sister and i were playing superwoman on our swingset in the backyard and i got swung too high. and when i say that i was swung too high, i mean that my sister laughed diabolically as she swung me higher and higher until i slipped off the swing and fell on my face. but don't feel bad for me because i gave as good as i got. and when i say i gave as good as i got i mean that i have a very distinct memory of rushing at her one time and biting her. hard. awkward.
now then... because i have a broken nose, i have a rotten sense of smell. i didn't always know this. until i was 19 years old, i thought i had a normal sense of smell. and when i say i thought i had a normal sense of smell, i mean that i never really had cause to think about it. and when i say i never really had a cause to think about it, i mean that i just assumed everyone else was exaggerating or being over dramatic when they talked about how something smelled. until one day when my best friend and i were cooking. and when i say cooking i mean trying to make chicken alfredo pizza... with thyme in the crust. and apparently thyme smells delicious as my friend pointed out and i just rolled my eyes and said it doesn't smell like anything and you know it. and that turned into a spice smelling extravaganza and that's when i realized the awful, awful truth.
i'm missing one of the essential five senses. not that my other 4 are so sharp either.
in a world where smells are everywere, i wander cluelessly. and when i say cluelessly, i mean that several times a day i have to b.s. my way through a smell related situation. and when i say b.s. i mean that i sniff whatever the person wants me to, and then mimic their facial expression because i have no idea whether or not the smelly thing was good smelly or bad smelly, but i figure they probably just wanted affirmation and don't so much care that i don't know what i'm talking about.
i don't like telling people about my inability to smell. and when i say that i meant that it's never a succinct conversation because i go on tangents and they ask the same follow up questions... yes, i can taste food except for tea. yes, i can smell some things. and when i say that i mean that the human brain is amazing because it remembers smells. a lot of times i won't be able to identify a smell, and then people say what it is and all of a sudden i can smell the smell a lot better because my brain remembers what it smells like. it's like when you smell something and it triggers a memory... except in reverse.
apparently, something stinks in the office closet. why'd they have to tell me? jerks. i didn't smell it until they said something.

Friday, September 09, 2005

thinking backwards

but what it all comes down to is that, in the end i can fool my mind, but not my hair.
plus the possibility of a muddled, backwards blog.
or you might have to put effort into remembering what you're not thinking about, which involves a lot of step retracing and thinking backwards.
and experience what people call a pang.
you might remember it all of a sudden.
but eventually you're going to have to remember what it is you're not thinking about.
and worry about them later.
and i'm forgetful anyways, so it's really easy to shove things to the back of my mind.
especially about things i can't control.
because i don't like to be stressed or worried or angry.
and 2nd, it reminded me that i repress things.
1st, that i might have been more stressed last month than i realized.
but their appearance reminded me of two things.
they're gone now.
*this morning i found 2 grey hairs.

*maybe you should start here and read up.

Thursday, September 08, 2005


there is an inate desire deep within us, to not live at home.
and if there isn't, there should be.
it should be instinctual.
i don't want to seem ungrateful. i've been crashing at my parents house for the last 2 1/2 weeks. and i love my parents. i get along really well with them. my mom even made me a lunch to take to work with me today. the exact same lunch she gave me all through elementary school and junior high... half a sandwich cut diagonally, chips, an apple and 2 cookies. my parents are great.
but there is an inate and profound drive for me to not live with them.
which is why it gives me great joy to tell you that i am signing a lease for my new apartment today at 5 o'clock.
it's all very exciting.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

work conversation

"ecstasy is a drug you should do with a lover... and not with your cousin... trust me."

and this is why it's important to be able to talk to the candy packaging kids in the back room. because you'll never be bored. sure, you'll shake your head and seriously wonder about the direction their life is taking, but you will never be bored.

Friday, September 02, 2005


in high school there was one decision which defined you.
your morning radio show.
the morning show that you listened to as you drove to school.
so that when you sat down in first period, you could look over at the person next to you and say, "did you listen to ________ today? "
and really, as far as my waspy, teen angsty social circles reached, there were only two shows to choose from.
chunga or radio from hell.
top 40s or alternative.

personally? i was a faithful radio from hell fan. x96 was as edgey as a skinny, honor roll, cheerleader girl like me could pull off.
i've since been introduced to tupac, metallica, tim mcgraw, and even jazz.
but as far as morning shows go, if it's not monotone mockery, i want no part of it.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

it's a whole new season

september 1st is my new year.
cuz that's when school starts and that's when my birthday is and yada yada yada.
and more importantly, it's the start of a new tv season.

any tv show worth anything, knows that the first episode of the season needs to be entirely expositional because it has to catch me up with everything that has happened since i saw it last. and that exposition will somehow end up driving the story line for the rest of the season.

real life seems to parallel that. every september i meet new people or remeet old people and our conversation is entirely expositional. because we need to catch each other up on the random little details that will somehow drive our plotlines for the rest of the season.

so happy new year everyone!
might i suggest spending new year's eve working on your upcoming expositional monologues, really making them shine.
because they're going to set the tone for the rest of your season.
no pressure.

Monday, August 29, 2005

not about the money

just when i think i'm out... they pull me back in.

i don't know guys. i leave it to you.
the c.e.o of our company just pulled me into a meeting.
and offered me a $5 an hour raise to stay.
in utah.

what would you do?

**and did i mention the promotion and double the hours?**

Thursday, August 25, 2005


i hate jogging.
i'm not good at it.
i look goofy doing it.
and it feels awkward.

and i've never experienced a runner's high.
and even when i used to go to the gym, i'd only do the cardio stuff if my sister was with me, cuz she liked to do the elipticals.

my parents have a treadmill which i've ignored for the last 5 years.
until this morning when i did something i've always wanted to do.
i raced.
i tried to figure out how fast real runners go, and run as fast as them.
i definitely lost the race. did you know that olympic runners are really fast?
but i still ran as fast as i could for five minutes.
until there was serious danger of me tripping.
and my parent's dog was completely scared of me.
and when i was done, i had enough adrenaline in my system that i didn't even get a diet coke today.

i always wanted to do that at the gym. stretch a little, get on the treadmill, stare at the stranger next to me and say, "ok. on your mark... get set... GO!" and do, like, a treadmill race.
but the 24 hour fitness people would probably consider that horse play.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005


i think i've found a job in gilbert, arizona.
i don't really know where that is.
but that's not the point.
i don't really know how to find an affordable apartment-
that isn't in the ghetto.
does arizona have a ghetto?
-by looking online.
but that's not the point.
i think i've found a super cute nannying job.
it's all very exciting.
and terrifying.
and exhausting.

but that is not the point.

the point is...
look at this freaky picture of a baby that i found on a nanny website.


Friday, August 19, 2005



i just quit my job.

for real.
so this is what it feels like to cut your safety net.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005


i saw a tv show once where this guy runs into an old friend who last time he saw her was trying to buy a computer and he goes, "so which one did you end up buying?" and she's all "i went with the mac." and he stares at her intently, sits down next to her, and goes, "you're a mac person?" and then they date.

or something like that.

i am that guy. this summer i found out that a guy who has annoyed me for the last two years of my life owns a mac, and suddenly he didn't seem so annoying. because he's a mac person.

i'd like to tell you that i love compy a.k.a the 15" powerbook g4 because i'm a graphic designer. or because of the suprisingly good technical support. or because it's completely reliable and higher quality than a p.c.
which are all valid points.
but i like compy cuz he's pretty. and shiney.
and hip.
i feel so hip.
when i use compy, i feel like i've taken my first step towards my fantasy where i work in the big city.
and my apartment is feng shui-ed.
and i drink organic pink grapefruit juice.
and i drive an audi.
and i'm married to a metrosexual named blaine.

and when i'm surrounded by anti-mac people, i pity them because they obviously don't have the same stellar priorities as i do.
it's sad really.
and last week i found out that the only somewhat rational argument that the antimacs had is no longer an issue.

... i think i am in heaven.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005


yesterday was a bad day.

the specifics of which aren't important.
although... you know... bad days always seem to follow the same pattern. they start out disguised as an "any other day you might have" kind of day... lulling you into a false sense of security with their any-other-dayness. and there are always a few ups that mingle in with the ego bruises and second guessing and worrisome phone calls, so it's not until you're lying in bed at 2 a.m. with your eyes wide open that you realize that you've just had

but what i really hate is how a bad day sticks with you. you wake up the next morning feeling sluggish and "knot-in-your-stomach"ish. and then 2 seconds later you remember why.
and you think to yourself, "whatever. that was yesterday. i'm fine today." but then you see yourself snapping at the gas station attendant kid because your 32 cent tuesday's diet coke cost 62 cents due to new ownership. you see yourself glaring at your computer moniter at work. you see yourself rejoice in the fact that it's rainy because otherwise you would think that mother nature is mocking you.
you see yourself doing all of this.
and that's when you realize that you are in what the great poets* have described as a funk.

or maybe it's just me.

*including but not limited to the black eyed peas.**
** although they would probably call it "a phunk".

Friday, August 12, 2005


"i can do two pull ups."

white lie
"i weigh 140 pounds."

accidental lie
"i'll call you back."

default lie (due to lack of sarcastic tone)
"wow. sculptural welding? sounds like a class i'd love."

bold faced lie
"sounds like fun."

bolder faced lie
"oh, sorry. i can't hear you... cuz i got these headphones on."

boldest faced lie of all time
"sure, i know what i'm doing this fall."

Tuesday, August 09, 2005


my dad is a 6'4", 240 pound teddy bear.
he knows a lot about history.
he can remember every meal he's ever eaten.
my dad can't carry a tune and he memorizes the jokes from readers digest.
he likes john wayne movies.
and also he likes golf.

in fact, he went golfing on saturday. well, why don't i let my dad tell you about it.
dad: i went golfing on saturday.
me: ya? and how was that?
dad: it was ok. there was a man there with his daughter, so i asked if he wanted to team up and he did.
me: that's nice.
dad: and then he said that he doesn't get to golf as much as he'd like because of his job.
me: his job?
dad: ya. i asked him what his job was, and he said he was an apostle in the church.
me: ...wait, [actually paying attention now] what?
dad: ya. so then i realized that i was playing golf with elder eyring.
me: are you kidding me?
dad: no. and i guess he doesn't get to golf as much as he'd like to. so i told him that was a pretty good argument against being righteous.
me: [nodding my head in defeat] sigh... oh dad.
dad: hehehe...

my dad might just be the funniest person i know and by "funniest person i know" i mean "only person i know who would tell a religious leader to be less righteous".
but if you meet him, don't ever ask him to tell you a joke.
unless you like the readers digest jokes.
because that's what you're going to get.

p.s. the link to the richard kiel page is actually because i always wanted to buy my dad the shirt r.k. wears in "happy gilmore". you know... the "guns don't kill people, i kill people" shirt.
p.p.s. so he could wear it when boys came to pick me up for dates.
p.p.p.s. "and you can count... on me waiting for you in the parking lot."

Thursday, August 04, 2005

the last 24 hours

yesterday, i went to the bank and ordered a credit card, thus compiling my non-credit history.
it was very exciting.
one of those "i don't want to go to work right now, i might as well start building credit" whims.

also, the make shift photo studio my boss ordered came today. today i'm a photographer. i'm a jack of all trades. like bert on "mary poppins". tomorrow i'll be jumping into chalk drawings.

i went to the park last night with the three kids i was babysitting. a dad came up to me and said, "these aren't your kids, are they?" yet another occasion where complete strangers sense my lack of maternal vibes. i told him, no, they weren't mine. and he gestured towards his wife and said, "see? i told her there was no way you'd had three children."
i guess that means i'm skinny?

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

six degrees

back when i was one of the candy packaging grunts, we would play the 6 degrees game. one person would name two random celebrities and then everyone would try to be the first person to find the movie chain.
and i loved it.
because i'm a huge movie geek.
and also somewhat of a movie snob.
not in a film criticky kind of way, but in a "you've never seen 'pillow talk'?? what kind of a byu co-ed are you?" kind of way.
but i degress.

the 6 degrees game used to make time go by so much faster. what? we have to package 32 cases of orange slices? no problem... someone name two celebrities.
but now i work in the office with all the grown ups.
and time goes by much, much slower.
much slower.

so i try to play the game by myself.

mickey rooney and pauly shore. go!
ok. mickey rooney was in "breakfast at tiffany's" with audrey hepburn.
who was in "robin and marian" with sean connery.
who was in "the rock" with nicholas cage.
who was in "guarding tess" with shirley maclaine.
who was in "mrs. winterbourne" with brendon fraser.
who was in "encino man" with pauly shore.

i win.
and yet i don't win, because there aren't any grunts playing with me.


ok, guys... doris day and will smith. go!

Friday, July 29, 2005

deja vu all over again

i used to feel so smart.
until i was maybe 8.
then it all went down hill.
that's not really what this is about.
but it's a little bit what this is about.

in elementary school, i was in the rabbit class. cuz i used to be smart. i memorized my times tables, i learned how to spell, i took the tests and moved on. 7 times 8 equals 56? fine. i believe you. can we hurry this up?
ah, to be young.
in life? i'm dumb. i'm in the turtle class. i see that now. because the same problems keep repeating themselves over and over and over. and i just don't seem to get it.
i want to get it.
i want to learn motivation, and self awareness, and integrity, and especially common sense so i can move on.
and learn something new.

after i passed off my multiplication tables, i got to go in the hall with the other rabbits and play "simon says". and all the sad, stupid turtle kids would watch us play while the teacher explained to them for the forty-seventh time that 7 times 8 equals 56. and we would feel smart and they would feel stupid and really, why did we have to memorize the time tables up to 12 anyways?
why not stop at 11?
or keep going to 19?

Thursday, July 28, 2005

travel the world and the seven seas

dear kat,

you seem like a seasoned traveller. tell me, what's the best place ever?

yours truly,
an ardent reader*

p.s. you're pretty.

dear ardent,
i live in a beautiful state. but in the past few years i've been to some amazing places. here, we'd better look at this logically.
i mean, massachusetts has the T. it has charming little restaurants on the north end like giacomo's. it has people standing in the street watching red sox games. it has my sister.
but utah has streets that follow the grid system. there are mountains and canyons and arches. there's no humidity. the water doesn't taste like cigarette butts.
but in massachusetts most of the men over 25 are still single.
but in utah most of the men don't come up to you on the street and ask you to sleep with them. ("i have lots of money. i could buy you anything you wanted.")
and then there's arizona. it has sun all year round. and no daylight savings. and the grand canyon.
mexico has gorgeous scenery. and the mexican military. and yummy food.
washington and oregon have gorgeous beaches, and waterfalls, and greenery.
idaho has, you know, potatoes. and sage brush.
wyoming has cowboys, and steak, and cabins.
pennsylvania has philly cheese steak sandwiches, independence hall, and west philadelphia (born and raised).
new york has broadway, and the soup nazi, and times square.
california has celebrities. and disneyland. and redwoods. and the ocean.
but rhode island has the ocean too. and also old mansions that you can walk through.

sorry, i can't pick a favorite. but i can tell you this...
montana's got nothing.
never go there.


*i might be my own ardent reader.
it happens.

Monday, July 25, 2005


dear friends and enemies,

i'm in boston right now.
i've been here since last thursday.
i'll be back on wednesday.
i am cool.
and you are not.

because i am in boston.




Monday, July 18, 2005

back up

it's important to have a back up.
i don't know why, but it is.
why is it important to have a back up?

oh. that's right. because you don't want to die alone.

ok. i'll buy that. i don't want to die alone.
all alone.
except for my cats.
and shot glass collection.

but i don't plan on dying for quite some time, people. and i don't have problems with living alone.
all alone.
except for my cats and shot glasses.
and maybe a ferret or something.

which is why my back up plan doesn't come into effect until i'm 80.

so picture this...

...but add 60 years.
and pretend we're in a nursing home instead of an olive garden. (mmm... black tie mousse cake)
living out the rest of our senility together.

please note: the past couple of blogs may or may not be me revelling in the fact that i found a way to scan pictures in at work.
please also note: this particular blog may or may not be the result of lincoln sending me a forward that made me laugh so hard i cried just a little bit.
also note: i mean, really, the guy cracks me up.
and note: in 60 years i'm pretty sure we'd be, like, "grumpy old men" except that i'm not a man.
and: i'd probably be the walter matthau character. lincoln would be jack lemmon.
and: man, that would be awesome!
and: why did he move to monatana again? (lincoln. not walter matthau. who cares where he lives.) he may or may not be a loser.


i hope i edited out everything i needed to. i almost forgot to cover the account number.

wait a second, what does it say in the "for" category? for "being the hottest girl ever"?? why yes. that is what it says. hu. interesting.

and now it's time to play...
list all the responses that jumped into my head when i got this check
(yipee! hooray!)

i'll start...
"it's about time i started making a living off of my good looks."
"do i have to pay taxes on this?"
"easiest 47 cents i ever made."
"i wish guys would do this instead of buying me dinner."
"...and my mom said my looks would never get me anything."
"this is better than the monthly check your mom sends me so that i'll talk to you!"

Thursday, July 14, 2005


doesn't it seem like the songs that get stuck in your head should be stuck there for a reason?
like, some inner part of your soul wants the outer part of you to know exactly how both of you are feeling. and those feeling would best be expressed through song.
the song choice should mean something.

i was never aware that i wanted to rock and roll all night and party every day.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

just a thought

"Wednesday was happy hour with Nana, a semi interesting black man I met in San Jose."

some commentary...
first of all, that's one of the best sentences i've ever had emailed to me. it makes me want to write a book just so i can make that the first line.
second of all, why are epithets or aphorisms* so rarely used in real life?
third of all... well, i guess i only have the two points.

*a tersely** phrased statement of a truth or opinion.

**brief and to the point; effectively concise.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005


there's so much that i don't know.
and i don't mean that in a philosophical "oh! the world is so big and i am so small" kind of way.
and i'm not trying to be vague or ambiguous either.
i don't know how to drive a stick shift.
or rent a u-haul.
or apply for jobs when you don't know someone working there.
or find a good apartment.
or sign up for utilities.
or turn a pile of savings bonds into a high interest earning nest egg.
or get good credit.
or use online plane tickets.
or set up a server on my mac.
or afford health insurance.

so... pretty much what i'm saying is... i don't know how to take care of myself.

Monday, July 11, 2005


i've been busy at work today 1 designing packaging for a new product called "chocolate animal droppings" which are actually chocolate covered nuts and raisins humorously offputtingly entitled by the canadians, and 2 planning my trip to visit my sister in boston. wicked awesome. i leave in 10 days. i pretty much just want to eat good seafood.

the other day i watched "a patch of blue", an old sydney poitier movie chalk full of social commentary as all of s.p.'s movies seem to be. there's always some sort of serious "don't superficially judge me" undercurrent to his movies. and my incessant "man he's hot when he monologues" comments seem horribly inappropriate.

Friday, July 08, 2005


"i saw the worst movie last night. 'hitchhiking the galaxy' or something like that... and i'll tell you, it made that idiot from idaho, what's his name?... 'napolean dynamite'. ya... it made 'napolean dynamite' look good."

-40 year old man on cell phone

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

fire bad. tree pretty.

writer's block.

head like clogged up drain.

like drain full of hair.

and semi opinions.

be patient.

will find figurative draino.

fix everything.


Thursday, June 30, 2005


saw "war of the worlds" last night and left the theater happy to have seen a well made version of an "oh crap aliens are killing everybody let's run" movie.
that's what it had promised to be, and that's all i really wanted.

i like movies where the earth is going to be destroyed by aliens/meteors/the earth's inner core freezing/godzilla(ok, maybe not godzilla)/a giant volcano/etc because i feel like i'm being prepared for the real deal.
bring it.

first of all, in case of a real life "oh crap aliens are killing everybody let's run" event... i'm staying far away from the u.s. army, cuz they'll definitely be the first thing to go down. and new york will be the second.
and in the face of real devastation, i'm going to strategically rip my shirt and find either the most eccentric scientist i know, or the best looking guy with undiscovered potential** (or if i'm really aching to live, the aging scientologist* with a fetish for young, taller-than-him brunettes) because then i'll have a pretty good chance of survival.
and if i can't find one of them, then i'll find some adorably scrappy, emotionally distant children.
or an adorably scrappy, emotionally distant ex husband.

it's just common sense.

*speaking of tom, in my continued efforts towards tolerance, i spent upwards of 10 minutes online trying to figure out what scientology is, why there isn't any actual science involved, and why celebrities would rather believe in aliens, than god.

and speaking of hell freezing over, i got a raise today. when i get home i plan to jump about yelling "yippee" in manner of the annoying little boy in "swiss family robinson".

Tuesday, June 28, 2005


today was a sad day in my life.

today i realized that i now prefer diet coke to mountain dew.
i mean, and i knew this day would come. i've been working towards this for awhile, and i thought i wanted it, i really did.
no more sugary sodas, that was my goal.

but i can remember buying my first can of mountain dew from the high school vending machine when i was 14 years old. granted, mostly because it correlated with meeting one of my best friends and also, because my mom thinks caffeine and "the simpsons" are evil so rebelling against her has always been memorable.

i feel so petty, because it's not like i love diet coke, it's more just that i've grown accustomed to its taste.
it almost makes the day begin.
i've grown accustomed to the tune is whistles night and noon. it's joys, it's frowns, it's ups, it's downs are second nature to me now. like breathing out and breathing in.
i was serenely independent and content before we met.
surely i can always be that way again... and yet... i've grown accustomed to the trace of something in the air.
accustomed to its... taste.


Friday, June 24, 2005


i'm pretty good at those "word power" quizzes in reader's digest, the utah grid system makes perfect sense to me, i can count to 84 leaving out all the multiples of 7 and numbers with a 7 in them, and i'm really good at "cranium".
which is why i feel like i can tell people that i'm smart.
not freaky intelligent. just smart.
when i'm sleep deprived? ya, it all goes away. all of it. the vocabulary, the numbers, the ability to cope in the real world... gone.
and suddenly eating curry four meals in a row seems valid.
taking an hour to find american fork seems valid.
watching "the 'burbs" seems valid.

and all the well rested people of the world seem... well... psychic.