Wednesday, November 30, 2005

letter from alanis

dear the public,

remember when i was all angsty and bitter at canada for turning me into their version of debbie gibson thus compelling me to make a grammy winning, multiplatinum album whose popularity i could never eclipse no matter how reborn and at peace and singing about india i was?
ya? well, i don't know that you do remember because i've just been informed that after 10 years, album sales are starting to taper. and that's not going to work for me. there's this little thing called "a lifestyle" which i have become accustomed to- you know, taking trips to asia, heading up anti bush campaigns- and i don't understand why you people refuse to keep me in it.
i've tried other methods of appeasing you. remember when i made that video where i was thanking random things and was naked the whole time and on the subway and standing on a corner and everyone was suddenly so thankful for the invention of the blurry dot?
and then there was the whole "i'm not afraid to play god in a kevin smith movie" phase. hehehe... that was fun.
but even that didn't make you as happy as my song about having one hand in my pocket! so what did i do? i stuck with what worked. a few months ago i re-recorded the entire "jagged little pill" album but did it all acousticky so it would reflect a new side of my angst.
some of you bought it. which is good, although i can't understand why you didn't buy two or three copies. listen, i've got a b list celebrity fiancee to support. and it's not like we're getting any "two guys a girl and a pizza place" syndication checks in the mail.
so here's what i've done. i've released my greatest hits album. it has all the songs you loved before. including, but not limited to the song i wrote about dave coulier a.k.a joey from "full house" a.k.a the surprisingly down to earth one from that season of "surreal life" just like eric estrada and that peter brady guy. you love that song, remember? you sing it at the top of your lungs every time you get dumped! you should own as many different versions of that song as you can get your hands on!
and you should buy a greatest hits cd for all of your loved ones for christmas. who knows! maybe the song "still" will start to grow on them.
in any case, it's the only solution i can think of besides, you know, making an entirely new and original album.

la morissette

Sunday, November 27, 2005


the holidays.

that most wonderful time of year
where you dread getting on the bathroom scale
for fear of what you will find there.

Saturday, November 26, 2005


broadway musicals inevitabley get made into movies. you get the cheap, homogenized version of an on stage classic.
thank goodness.
i grew up watching those movies. i love LOVE movie musicals. and maybe most of the energy and performance quality gets sapped out when you watch a actor lip syncing on the big screen. maybe it is kind of annoying when you talk about a beloved musical and someone says, "oh definitely! and minnie driver was great."
but i don't live on broadway and i'll take what i can get.
that said, i saw "rent" yesterday. growing up it was one of three musicals i wasn't allowed to see. and since i will always feel the need to rebel against my mother in any way i can, i went to see it.
and it was fine.
not very good.
but at least i got to see the context of all the songs i've listened to over the years. plus, in the opening scene one of the characters is wearing the exact same outfit that carlton used to always wear on "fresh prince of belair". and one of the guys from "newsies" had a bit part in it. and there's this part where mimi dies but then comes back to life that's so horribly done i wanted to kill myself.
and then come back to life.
and telling a story about my dead, drag queen friend who was standing in the bright light.
i bet "rent" was amazing when it first came out. but 10 years later it's lost it's societal relevance. and i for one couldn't really dwell on the fact that they were all gay and aids ridden because i was too distracted by the fact that they were living in a loft in new york for FREE.
a good portion of the audience walked out of the theater before it was half over. i'd never seen so many people walk out of a movie before. and, i mean, i saw "from justin to kelly".
i'm guessing they exchanged their tickets so they could see that nice little harry potter flick again.
which is fine.
they shouldn't be forced to watch something they find offensive.
but what did they really think "rent" was about?
maybe they didn't research it after their mothers forbade them to go see it when they were teenagers.

in any case, "the producers" is coming out soon and i'm very excited about it.

Friday, November 25, 2005

thanksgiving 2005: adventures in armoury

crazy cousin once removed: where are the green beans? WHERE ARE THE GREEN BEANS??
great aunt: they're still cooking.
ccor: great. GREAT! you make everything you like, but the one thing i want it STILL COOKING!!
me: seriously. she's so selfish.
great aunt: they'll be done in 5 minutes.
ccor: GAAAH!
(five minutes later)
ccor: FINALLY!!
me: it's a good thing you didn't over react.
ccor: what?
me: no. seriously. you played it really cool.

in an attempt to break with tradition, i decided that this thanksgiving i would bond with my cousin. and with the above exception, i pretty much stayed on his good side. i listened to him talk about 'nam. i went with him to walmart and helped him buy a water pik. i admired his gun collection (not a euphemism, so don't even go there). and when he said he'd hidden the last gun in his collection upstairs "just in case", i smiled and said, "good thinking".

i've turned over a new leaf again.

in other words, i have no crazy stories to tell.
nothing involving my boobs.
or getting punched in the stomach.
or choked.
or held at knife point in the kitchen.
or having my butt grabbed.
or getting hit in the head with a hammer.

i know this might disappoint some of you.

but my crazy cuz and i have totally bonded.

we are now, in fact, on such good terms that at the end of the night he gave me a gift...

ya... i'm totally bringing this with me to future family dinners.
who needs sarcasm when you have a really sharp knife?

Tuesday, November 22, 2005


i inevitabley have to deal with people who test my personal credos.
especially when my credo is that i should be nice to everyone, no matter what.
extraspecially if they come up to my office and say, "um... there's someone in the men's bathroom."
and i'm all like, "oh... that's too bad."
and they're like, "i really have to go. is there another bathroom?"
and i'm all, "well, there's a girl's bathroom on the other side of the factory, but i wouldn't recommend it."
and they're all, "i reeally have to go."
and i'm like, "hu."
and they're like, "so what should i do?"
and i'm all, "i guess you just need to summon up all your willpower."
and they pause for a second and then they're all, "summon up all my willpower? what does that mean?"
and then i decide i've had enough and i turn back to my computer and i say, "that means hold it."

i'm ready to throw my credo out.

Monday, November 21, 2005


in my opinion, setting a goal is terrifying.
because you might not acheive it.
maybe "goal" isn't the right word to use, because i set a lot of goals everyday which i don't keep. and i don't really have a problem with it. i've already made it my goal twice today to "stop with the caffeine already".
nope. "goal" isn't the right word to use. but neither is "dream". it's a little too corn bally with a bit of martin luther king jr thrown into the mix.
to appease the semanticism of this particular ernie sabella entry let's say this, we all have our ambitions. our mt. everests that we say we're going to climb someday, but pretty much we just day dream about it. turning the whole effort part of it into a happy little mantage in our heads, kind of glossing over the hard work part of it, and mostly thinking about how fun it would be once all the hard work/mantagey stuff is over.
and there's nothing wrong with that. everybody day dreams. it's a good way to escape the mid afternoon boredom that is a nine to five work day. i have this one day dream involving scott baio and the end scene of "an officer and a gentleman"... i'm getting a little side tracked.
sometimes you decide to make your everest ambitions a reality (i'm not talking about chachi anymore), and that's what's terrifying to me, because the minute an ambition becomes a goal, there's a chance of failure.
and when i think about how i can't mantage my way through the hard work...

Thursday, November 17, 2005

sense and sensitivity

today my mom left a message on my phone saying her brother had died.
i was not aware that my mom had a brother.
and what an inappropriate time to spring that information on me.

and then i remembered that i knew she had a brother. and a sister. 2 sisters? maybe even three. and maybe a few more brothers.
but step brothers and sisters. or half. i'm not really sure how it works. but they're all my grandmother's age. and i've never met them. well, i met one once. but it was a long time ago and she was old and i thought she was my great aunt.

i called my mom back and didn't really know what to say, because i'd never met this step/half brother once removed (can step/half brothers be once removed?). and i don't know how close my mom is to him since i've never known her to call him, or visit him, or write him a note. or really even talk about him except when she would talk to my grandma about how he did geneology and he'd become really really fat. wait. maybe it's her cousin who does the geneology.

the conversation went pretty well, though.
and i might be going to his funeral in southern utah next tuesday.

here's hoping they don't ask me to give the eulogy.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005


dear ernie sabella*,

i like being busy. i like, what those of us who speak the chocolate biz lingo refer to as, the busy holiday season.
but i don't like that there are things i don't get to blog about when i'm busy...

i hate dr. laura.

i went to best buy on saturday and insulted salesguy tristan.

there is nothing that easy cheese doesn't make better.

i tried to take an online quiz about what my political views were, but somehow ended up taking a relationship quiz which said i was "deliberate", "brutal", "a priss", and that i "use sex as a weapon".
duh. tell me something i don't know.

the third time i bought a diet coke during one guy's shift, he said, "again?" and i said, "apparently there's not enough diet coke in the world to satisfy me today." and he said, "hu. i don't drink soda." and i said, "i don't know how to talk to you." and left.

i think this older (the "er" added out of politeness) man was trying to hit on me at work today. a chocolate supplier. trying desperately to start up a meaningful conversation where we would have mutual interests and i would see that he was pretty hip after all. and at one point he looked at what i was designing and said, "hehe... it's amazing what they can do with computers nowadayz..." and i started giggling. yes, grandpa, it is amazing. people use these new fangled computers all the time. and they drive around in horseless carriages. and they don't listen to cole porter on black vinyl disks anymore.

i love g&r's "sweet child of mine". i can't help it.

eternally yours,

*my blog has gone unnamed for way too long.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

power of love

if you're totally busy and you end up taking a late lunch and you're driving along sandhill road around 3:15ish, you might be lusky enough to see my favorite couple. they get around on a skateboard. it's adorable. because tiny blonde girl stands on the front of the skateboard and backwards baseball cap boy stands on the back and pushes and holds tiny blonde girl up.
and if you listen close enough you can hear "the power of love" playing in the background.
i can't help thinking that the skateboard couple is a metaphor for something.
i don't know what.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

what happened to miss independent?

she's right here... she's right here.
i spent all day yesterday finding, buying, and building A FUTON.
it took me all day because i'm very much not good at lifting, loading, reading directions, screwdrivering, and all that jazz.
i'd like to give a shout out to walmart's ryan and tyler for trying to shove a box full of futon into my two door car. and i'd also like to explain to 17 year old ryan and married tyler that me asking them when they would be at my apartment to unload, was not a proposition but a joke. but if it hadn't been a joke, tyler, you showed a lot of integrity and ryan, um... thanks?
and while i'm dishing out gratitude, thanks to random glasses man for helping me balance the box-o-futon on my cart.
and thanks to random buying shampoo girl for helping me steer my cart.
and thanks to the family in the mini van for not laughing at me when i tried to go down the ramp and the cart tipped over and the b-o-f rolled out in front of them.
and thanks to the employees of the wendy's drive thru who were unbelievably fast at getting me my #5 combo meal when i realized at 6pm that i hadn't eaten all day and that i should probably take a break from the finding, buying, and building of the futon because i kept on catching myself thinking, "why am i doing this? why am i relying on the kindness of strangers at walmart? i didn't move to a different state, why aren't there people finding, buying, and building a futon for me?"
you know, and it's not that i don't have a fantastically thoughtful little support group. it's just that the older i get, the more responsible i'm supposed to be and the more conditional favors start to feel. especially the heavy lifting favors because it seems like there's nothing but ryan's and tyler's out there.
but now is not the time to deal with my trust issues.
now is the time for me to lay down on my beautifully completed futon (except for the last bolt which disappeared (i'm totally going to start using the phrase, "one bolt short of a futon")) and bask in the facts that 1. i did something i didn't think i'd be able to do and 2. i live in a city where strangers aren't afraid to offer help.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

"i was whack." "no, i was whack."

first of all, let me point out that this morning i woke up in a puddle of mattress because my air mattress had sprung a leak at some point during the night. my reaction? hit snooze and try to roll over, and when that proved impossible, shrug. and go back to sleep.

i had to go to work without brushing my teeth, because my roomate was in the shower and i was very very late. the last time i went without brushing my teeth was... now let's see... way back in.... oh ya, that's right NEVER!

oral hygeine is very important to me.

i feel very uncomfortable right now.

because i have this obsession with bad breath. so i'm chewing an insane amount of eclipse: polar ice gum and keeping everyone at arms length which, actually, i should have as a work rule anyways, and figuring that i can probably go home to brush during lunch if i skip the lunch part of lunch.

anyways, waking up in a destroyed bed... running hideously late to work... that had no effect on my mood, but not brushing my teeth came very very close to ruining my day. especially when i couldn't find my eclipse:polar ice at first. which i'm thinking ups me to nut status. priorities hugely out of whack. a complete lack of rationale.
but, you know, i'm not the only nut.
my sister has this insane, post-pubescent idea that her arms are fat. cap sleeves freak her out.
lincoln has to have all the bills in his wallet facing the same way and in ascending monetary order. i tried to take up his system but gleaned no sense of accomplishment from organizing my three $1 bills.
and don't even get me started on the roomates i've had over the years. slurpee diets, fear of washing cups, the firm belief that their hair falls out more than anyone else in the apartment, using only white plastic hangers...
and those are the roomates i liked.

i want to think that i know the most dysfunctional people on earth. because that would be really interesting and i could probably make a lot of money from writing a book about it. but i have this suspicion that my people are no weirder than anyone else's people.
which is fine too.
i mean, it's kind of interesting. and i could probably make no money from writing a blog about them.