letter from alanis

dear the public,

remember when i was all angsty and bitter at canada for turning me into their version of debbie gibson thus compelling me to make a grammy winning, multiplatinum album whose popularity i could never eclipse no matter how reborn and at peace and singing about india i was?
ya? well, i don't know that you do remember because i've just been informed that after 10 years, album sales are starting to taper. and that's not going to work for me. there's this little thing called "a lifestyle" which i have become accustomed to- you know, taking trips to asia, heading up anti bush campaigns- and i don't understand why you people refuse to keep me in it.
i've tried other methods of appeasing you. remember when i made that video where i was thanking random things and was naked the whole time and on the subway and standing on a corner and everyone was suddenly so thankful for the invention of the blurry dot?
and then there was the whole "i'm not afraid to play god in a kevin smith movie" phase. hehehe... that was fun.
but even that didn't make you as happy as my song about having one hand in my pocket! so what did i do? i stuck with what worked. a few months ago i re-recorded the entire "jagged little pill" album but did it all acousticky so it would reflect a new side of my angst.
some of you bought it. which is good, although i can't understand why you didn't buy two or three copies. listen, i've got a b list celebrity fiancee to support. and it's not like we're getting any "two guys a girl and a pizza place" syndication checks in the mail.
so here's what i've done. i've released my greatest hits album. it has all the songs you loved before. including, but not limited to the song i wrote about dave coulier a.k.a joey from "full house" a.k.a the surprisingly down to earth one from that season of "surreal life" just like eric estrada and that peter brady guy. you love that song, remember? you sing it at the top of your lungs every time you get dumped! you should own as many different versions of that song as you can get your hands on!
and you should buy a greatest hits cd for all of your loved ones for christmas. who knows! maybe the song "still" will start to grow on them.
in any case, it's the only solution i can think of besides, you know, making an entirely new and original album.

yours,
la morissette

Comments

barnesanova said…
i couldn't have written this better myself.

kudos.
john said…
Maybe she should consider a You Can’t Do That On Television reunion show…
Nama said…
ha! kat's funny...
Ben said…
Agreeing with John.
Jay said…
The first time I saw the acoustic album was in Starbucks. The "You Oughta Know I'm going to blow out your ear drums with my immature screaming while One Hand is in my Pocket because I got kicked to the curb Head Over Feet, but You Learn and I'm Thankful for that Ironic situation" tour should hit next summer. . .unless she releases a DVD of the concert she Would have had that strangly looks like MTV's Unplugged.
Erika said…
I used to love Two Guys a girl and a pizza place.
And I liked it better when Seal sang Crazy. Was it Seal? Hmm
Lincoln said…
BRILLIANT! BLOODY BRILLIANT!
Em said…
I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one is holding an eviction notice!
Chester B. said…
Your blog is funny, because it's so true.

"That isn't ironic, really, it just sorta sucks."
Comments by a DJ on "Ironic."
Anonymous said…
so at first i never really got the whole focus of this particular blog. i thought that she was writing about herself and when she came to the part of being naked on a subway, i was like "no way, kat would never do that." needless to say, it took me like 5 min to catch the drift of the blog. i am stupid, but i am allowed that
Lincoln said…
I bet, under the right circumstances, that Kat could find herself naked on the subway.
Heather said…
Dear Alanis,

Not every journal entry needs to be set to music.

Thanks for your understanding,
The Public
Leah said…
Well done Ramos. And people make fun of me for being blonde... I got it right away.
Fat eSpence said…
I own "Jagged Little Pill." Why?
kat said…
i know. i have you, ryan, charlie, and roger lee borden on video singing along with "you oughta know".
hehehe... i'd forgotten about that.
Rach said…
so, Ramos, I don't actually know you, but I have heard funny stories...and I just (almost) peed my pants.