Saturday, October 13, 2012


a couple of weeks ago, i went to a football game with a friend and her family, including her 16 year old niece who quite obviously thinks i'm lame. which is totally fine because i am kind of lame and also she's 16, so the eye rolling and the cringing kind of just comes with the territory. i was thinking about how hard it is to be a teenage girl- how much time you spend worrying about embarrassing yourself, how HUGE the little embarrassments feel and how generally inhibited you have to become just to feel like you can survive. i really don't feel like i was ever myself with my friends until the summer after my freshman year of college because i was so terrified that they wouldn't like me. 
and i was a pretty well-adjusted kid.
as an adult, i have the opposite problem. i live alone and tend to go unchecked in a lot of ways and the challenge is to stay on the right side of social norms.
here, i'll give you an example.
halloween is coming and i freaking love halloween. i love dressing up and going to any and every party. i don't care who's throwing it or who's invited, i am in. so this moment comes when i'm picking out my costume and i'm like, "oh my gosh! i'm going to get my dog a costume! i'm going to get him that 'star wars' at-at costume because that would be hilarious! AND then i could dress up as princess leia! OR!! you know what would be so funny? is if i dressed up like ziggy and then i dressed up him like me!... wait..."
i don't want to be the teen girl who immediately puts the kibosh on the first thought because it's like so totally lame and i can't believe i even thought about dressing up my dog for halloween because people will just think i'm like so totally lame! BUT i also now have to guard myself against fully letting loose, because frankly the end of that rainbow is me on some sort of freaky, hoarders reality show ("these are my 79 dogs all named after a child i never had!").

thank you for your time.

Tuesday, October 02, 2012

the other day i was running late, as i am prone to do, and the traffic lights conspired against me despite how wildly i gesticulated at them.
so after hitting, like, my 300th red light in a row, i let out an exasperated, "gaa!" and veered to turn right. only there was a guy on the corner who stepped into the intersection in front of me.

so i hit him.

just kidding. i hit my brakes and let out another "gaa!" which made the guy look at me like i was ridiculous.
which i was.
so i flashed him the peace sign because that's what i do when i'm in my car and i want people to forgive me for being ridiculous.
but that just made the guy stop in front of my car and glare at me as though he thought i was doing a sarcastic peace sign. which i most definitely was not. my peace signs are always in earnest.
so then i gestured at him to cross. kind of a, "no, seriously, sir. it's your right of way and i realize that. proceed." kind of a gesture.
but that just made him start waving his arms at me. like he thought i was sarcastically gesturing for him to cross. which i have been known to do, so... you know... what can you do?
so i rolled down my window and said, "sorry, i'm in a hurry and i keep hitting red lights and i got frustrated. you're fine, you're golden. sorry."
which made him walk up to my window, put his hands on my door, and shove his head inside my car.
"i'm olden?"
"no. golden. i said you're golden."
he shoved his head farther in and stared at me for a few seconds, "you're kind of hot."
"and your teeth are really white."
"i like your dog."
so i did the only thing i could do.

i made out with him.

just kidding. i maintained eye contact with and slowly let my foot off the brake, rolling my way to freedom.

as i pulled away he shouted, "i'll call you!"

this is basically a story about why you shouldn't get frustrated at a red light.