Monday, July 28, 2003

goth

sigh... sadly, with my newly dyed hair i have to renounce my scandinavian heritage. it's heart breaking.
my hair looks so pretty, but i look so... so... west side story. crap.
maybe i just don't realize how good i look. oooo! catherine zeta jones has really dark hair and she's quite possibly the most beautiful woman in the planet. ooo!! courtney cox is beautiful too.
sigh... i just looked in the mirror to see if my hair had faded at all. it hadn't. i thought maybe if i put more make up on, it would draw attention away from my hair... now i look like elvira.

in completely different news, i've decided on july's "fox of the month". better late than never is what i always say. maybe now that you've seen my dream coach, you'll better understand why i was convinced i was athletic for a full afternoon.

Sunday, July 27, 2003

personal growth

i return to provo a better woman because...
a. i now know how to change a tire, for real. (did you know that there's a spare tire AND a tire iron AND a car jack all under my trunk? i know! i didn't believe it either. that would be a good way to smuggle drugs.)
b. i am not a married young whippersnapper.
c. i rinsed my hair with vinegar this morning.
d. i bought a new perfume to cancel out my new vinegar aroma.
e. my three day stint as potifar's wife in the high school musical will forever, in local circles, live in infamy. (my potipher's wifey scene was recently put in someone's wedding video. i jest not.)
f. oprah whinfrey is the number one pop icon. (obviously. i watched oprah religiously when i was 15. she is wise.)
g. i finally understand this quote: "i've got a fever and the only prescription? more cow bell."

Thursday, July 24, 2003

i really am sorry, creepy guy

um... hypothetical situation...
let's say you're a creepy guy.
and you're wandering around provo at 12:30 at night.
and you see a girl scrubbing her kitchen and airing out her apartment.
let's say you go and stand in her doorway.
and you startle her.
and you start talking to her.
and you sing a "negro spiritual" you wrote, to her.
and the melody is the same as the theme song to "MASH".
let's say that she continues to scrub the kitchen.
and she keeps on saying things like,
"well it was nice to meet you."
and
"i hope you have a nice night."
let's say that you refuse to leave.
and you stay.
and you stay.
and you stay.
let's say that you stay until she can take it no longer.
and so she says,
"well, maybe the next time you're wandering around writing songs and i'm having a late night scrub session we'll run into each other."
and you take that to mean:
"i want you. i need you. oh baby. oh baby."
let's say that you then ask for her phone number...

ok, hypothetical creepy but harmless guy, what would you rather the girl do?
a. say, "i'm sorry. no, you can't have my number... bye." or
b. give you a fake number so that you'll go away.

because last night i chose "b".

neither option is good. both will end up in bad feelings as well as bad karma.

but my kitchen is clean.

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

ambiguity

i don't know whether or not i'm having a good day today. i'll give you the facts in a cold, analytical manner. then you decide...
fact #1: i'm wearing dark red lipstick.
fact #2: my mom called me to tell me our dog has a genetic blood disease.
fact #3: i lost 2 lbs during my road trip.
fact #4: i have a very large, chocolatey cake in my kitchen which i'm supposed to save until friday.
fact #5: i just remembered that last night someone told me i look like woody from "toy story".

in any case, i've decided to go get mexican food tomorrow for lunch. whether i go to los hermanos, corenas, or su casa is yet to be determined by what kind of day i decide i had.

Sunday, July 13, 2003

nonsensical

honestly, i'm stressing out. i don't like transition periods.
i have no idea what i'm doing next year. i know all the things i'm not doing. ya, there are a lot of things i'm very much not doing. there's so much that happened to me last year, that really i'm not going to ever tell most people about, but it effected me in a lot of ways. i got really restless, and found myself discontented with everything i was doing. so i stopped doing everything. however, i failed to realize that ceasing to go one direction doesn't necessarily push you in another direction, much less the right direction.
so here i sit. like a duck. like a bored, restless duck.
i have a lot of options. but again, none of them seem right. nothing seems like the right direction. i'm sitting here listening for the click. but sadly, no click. no light bulb. no nothing.
man, what if there's never a click?
i'm not sad. i'm just impatient, and a little ridiculous because in this analogy makes no sense.

Saturday, July 12, 2003

kissing

ok. i started reading this article online fully intending to mock it, but now i've decided it's completely valid. it has to be written by a woman. a woman who i could be friends with. best friends with...

THE PROPER EXECUTION OF THE FIRST KISS

"Some guys have a natural, effortless mastery with women, but they are a minority. And most of the guys who are highly skilled and confident with women aren't usually motivated to take the time and caring to help other men become more successful with women. The way most of us learn how to "do it right" is by trial and error -- lots of error and always on trial.

All right Clint. Here is some priceless information that will make a big difference for you. The number one rule of proper first kiss execution is certainty that you have built a strong sense of comfort with your date before you make your move. She doesn't have to be in an altered state of blissful romantic anticipation, but she must feel physically and emotionally comfortable with you in general and particularly at the moment of truth.

Things that diminish a woman's comfort level are: any talk of sex or comments about her body, staring at her breasts, complaints about ex-girlfriends, driving too fast, an environment that's too hot, too cold or unsafe in any way, a lack of privacy, loud noises, obnoxious roommates, creepy insects, bothersome pets, and a dirty, dusty house -- to name a few. Talking about anything negative, whether it's how much you hate your boss or the last horror flick you saw, is also going to make her uncomfortable.

The way you build comfort is by keeping the conversation positive and light and by getting her to laugh as much as you can.

RAISE HER COMFORT LEVEL

Also keep in mind that as you're about to go for it, you may not feel comfortable at all. But that's normal. After all, you're the one who's about to risk rejection, not her. But all that really matters is that she feels comfortable; she has to feel comfortable or else forget it.

The other crucial key to proper first kiss execution is: don't say anything. The easiest way to appear suave and sophisticated when you first make your move is to do it in silence. For instance, imagine you and your date are sipping tea on her couch after the two of you have been out for a lovely meal. Try to get a couple of good one-liners into the conversation if you can. Then make sure that she's finished saying anything she might have been sharing with you, give her a big smirk of a smile, and then silently and sweetly, lay one on her.

Don't justify yourself, just go for it...

BE BOLD

Don't try to justify your actions with a compliment. Don't try to excuse or explain what you're about to do. Don't try to motivate her by telling her how much you like her. Don't ask her for permission to kiss her, which she will perceive as weak and begging (unless her Interest Level [degree of love] is off the chart from the get-go).

Remember, the classic male archetype of women's romantic fantasies is "The strong silent type." As my Uncle Jethro Love used to say, "You can't wind up saying something that lowers her Interest Level or her comfort level if you simply don't speak at all, now can you?" So be Mr. Nike, and without a word -- just do it.

Sometimes that first kiss happens magically and effortlessly, as if you and your date were actors in a romantic film with all the elements in perfect alignment. But more often, things don't flow so perfectly. Many times, going for that first kiss is like trying to change the dust bag on an old hoover; no matter how careful you are, things can get a bit messy. That's okay. If the Interest Level is there, she'll be happy that you went for it, regardless of any lack of elegance in your approach. To you Psych majors: when they like you, they help you and they give you the benefit of the doubt. "

Friday, July 11, 2003

dating diatribe.

ok... i can't hold it in any longer. people need to grow up before they start dating. they need to get some self confidence. and some patience. people are messing up! everywhere i look! and i just want to shake them, shake them all and tell them to go to their rooms and think about what they're doing. here are the new restrictions on dating. for the love people!

if you are constantly looking for someone better to date, looking to trade up... you should NOT be in a relationship.

if you see yourself as constantly being wronged by the opposite sex... you should NOT be in a relationship.

if you're attracted to a person's independence but are upset when that person doesn't need you... you should NOT be in a relationship.

if you are freakishly preoccupied with how much a person likes you, rather than how much you like them... you should NOT be in a relationship.

if you aren't happy... you should NOT be in a relationship.

if you have a history of cheating on the people you date... you should NOT be in a relationship.

if you really, really want to be dating someone, anyone... you should NOT be in a relationship.

if you get insanely jealous when a good friend is dating someone... you should NOT be in a relationship.

if you only like a person when other people like them... you should NOT be in a relationship.

there. i've said it. and i refuse to take it back.
you know, not dating can be a really good thing.
all these newly single people might be wondering what they should do. i suggest listening to books on tape.

Friday, July 04, 2003

flash to the past

this has nothing to do with anything. i just thought it was funny...

"sunday, september 23, 2001
...after sacrament, the durr boys went to sit by their family. W sat next to the random girl sitting with the durr family. i assumed it was a new beehive. i thought it was nice of him to fellowship the young beehive aged girl. during the talks i noticed that W was cuddling with the young girl, however the durr family didn't look shocked. it comes to this... W's... dating... a 12 year old!!
i sat on the stand wondering if the congregation could see my ego deflating. apparently i am the most unattractive, undesirable woman on the planet. boys who've been rejected by every other woman they've met choose to date junior high students over me. gaaa! i'm repulsive. i must lose 5 pounds immediately.
after sacrament the girl disappeared. i can only assume she went to primary."

Wednesday, July 02, 2003

i don't even know where they hold the meetings

i am not a member of the cool club, but i do have a subscription to the newsletter. here's this month's featured article. i feel this is worth sharing..

July 2003
To All Members,
To minimize the recent confusion which has run rampant amongst society of late, we have compiled a brief list of common "anti-cool" behavior. We readily acknowledge the irrelevant and repetitive appearance of said list to our members, and hope that the standards stated in it will be spread to those whose behavior necessitate an intervention.

Cool: Making a joke.
Hard to Forgive: Laughing at your own joke.
Unpardonably Lame: Laughing so hard at your own joke that you somehow hit your head on a water glass.

Cool: Spending the day at the beach.
Hard to Forgive: Wearing a bikini. Oh! and you're 60.
Unpardonably Lame: Yelling at a cop for not letting you, your husband, and possibly your young kids drink the beer keg you brought.

Cool: Seeing your neighbor at Disneyland with his family.
Hard to Forgive: Not being able to remember your neighbor's name.
Unpardonably Lame: Taking your MISTRESS to Disneyland instead of your wife.

Cool: Being able to maintain a functional, romantic relationship.
Hard to Forgive: Dating before you're 16.
Unpardonably Lame: Prepubescent PDAing for 2 hours in the Splash Mountain line.

Cool: Inviting a friend to go to Hawaii and California with you.
Hard to Forgive: Not inviting a friend to go to Hawaii and California with you.
Unpardonably Lame: Disinviting a friend after inviting them to go to Hawaii and California with you.

Cool: Driving a cute, white car.
Hard to Forgive: Side seat driving.
Unpardonably Lame: Slamming on the brakes and trying to make the side seat drivers walk home.

Cool: Taking your grandkids to Disneyland.
Hard to Forgive: Standing up during a fireworks display.
Unpardonably Lame: Turning into an "Uber Granny" and yelling at the small Japanese tourists for blocking your view.

Cool: Writing blogspots.
Hard to Forgive: Not commenting.
Unpardonably Lame: Making derogatory or mocking comments about fake "cool clubs".