Tuesday, November 27, 2007

a cautionary tale

i lie. i lie all the time.
i found out i was a dirty rotten liar during the brunt of twentyishness when i lived with spliz and wee em. one day spliz came home and announced she had "accidentally lied" to which wee em and i rolled our eyes and said something snarky because seriously how do you "accidentally" lie to someone... oh wait... i do it all the time.

i was working late last wednesday and one of the very nice, very overworked kids from the back wandered up to my office to say hi and how was i doing and guess what. "what?"
"i brought something for you today. it's in my car."
he disappeared and came back with a cheesecake. an exquisite new york cheesecake he had made from scratch.
"wow", said i.
wow indeed, for i hate cheesecake. i am repulsed by cheesecake. it makes me sick and i have this quirk where i don't like to eat stuff that makes me want to vomit.
unless it has chocolate in it.
but see, let's go back a little further (farther?) to a few weeks ago when i was chatting with nice, overworked kid and since his chats tend to run especially lengthy i was also working on some sort of nondescript designy thing. it wasn't until he left my office that i processed our conversation.
he had said he liked to cook, i'd said then why hadn't he made me lunch.
he'd said he was really into making cheesecakes, i'd said then why hadn't he made me one for lunch.
he'd said we should have a weekly cheesecake wednesday, i'd said brilliant!, but where was my lunch.

sidenote: i'm super charming.

i always get nervous when i accidentally lie because karma has a knack for getting even with me when i do.
last week karma made me eat a HUGE slice of "humble pie".


now hear this!

when my mangled, lifeless body is pulled from the twisted steel that was my two-door car, please know my tragic and untimely death was most certainly at the hands of a ford expedition.

stupid big cars.

Friday, November 23, 2007

thanksgiving 2007: adventures in being deaf but literate

grandma: are you still taking you water pills?
great aunt: what?
grandma: your water pills!
great aunt: vitamins?
grandma: what?
great aunt: vitamins!
mom: no, mom wants to know if you're still taking your water pills.
great aunt: oh... yah*.
grandma: what?
great aunt: yah!
grandma: oh... me too.
great aunt: what?
grandma: me too!
great aunt: oh.
me: grandma, i was at the bookstore last weekend and i found your favorite book!
grandma: what?
great aunt: your favorite book!
grandma: oh... which one?
me: "lady chatterley's lover"!
grandma and great aunt: oh my!
me: i know. i was going to buy it for you!
great aunt: oh my!
grandma: i already own it!
great aunt: what?
grandma: i own it!
great aunt: oh... me too.
grandma: what?
great aunt: me too!
grandma: oh.
carolyn: you both own it?
great aunt: it's a classic!
me: it is? well there was a naked lady on the cover.
grandma: what?
me: naked lady!
grandma: oh... well, there are no naked women in the book!
great aunt: only naked men!
grandma: she falls in love with the gamekeeper.
great aunt: what?
grandma: gamekeeper!
great aunt: oh... yah.
me: you dirty lindblom girls...
great aunt: i'll have you know there were never two girls filled with more purity and goodness than the lindblom girls.
mom: sure.
great aunt: ...besides, they only show the man's naked sitdown.
carolyn: wait... what?
grandma: naked sitdown!
carolyn: they only showed it? how did they only show the man's "sitdown" in a book?
mom: gasp! you saw the movie!
great aunt: ...yes we did.
me: tsk tsk.
great aunt: well... that's nothing. esther! tell them about the book you found when you were cleaning the house one day!
grandma: what?
great aunt: under pupuh*'s bed!
mom, carolyn, me & dad: what??
great aunt: under his bed!!
grandma: oh... no.
mom: porno?
carolyn: nowadays we just say "porn".
grandma: i don't want to talk about that...
great aunt: he'd just remarried...
grandma: i don't like to talk about those sordid details...
great aunt: ethel... ugghh... she was terrible....
grandma: you see pupuh had married ethel...
great aunt: and esther would clean their house and do the laundry even though ethel was so crazy...
grandma: ethel was so crazy...
great aunt: and one day when esther was cleaning, she found a book under pupuh's bed about how to have better sex...
mom, carolyn, me, and dad: what??
grandma: ethel was crazy!!
great aunt: yah, she was!
grandma: but i used to go in and clean their house and do their laundry... even though i didn't care for ethel...
great aunt: i never cared for ethel...
grandma: and one day i found a book under their bed...
great aunt: i wouldn't be surprised if ethel put it under the bed...
grandma: and i don't like to talk about it...
great aunt: she was so odd.
grandma: but if you must know, it was a book about how to have more joy through sex!
great aunt: what?
grandma: sex!!
great aunt: oh... yah.
grandma: yah.
the end.

*pronunciation guide: in my family "ya" is pronounced "yah" and "papa" becomes "pupuh".

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

conversations with the inanimate, the animate, and the undecided

last night i laid in bed and stared at my ceiling, wondering exactly what kind of dog my upstairs neighbors own and is there a specific type of dog bred to run back and forth and back and forth every night at midnight kind of like a rooster... except different in every conceivable way and if so why did they have to buy that breed of dog? "ceiling," i said, "remind me to buy some earplugs...
and also some apples.
and some lotion.
and a vowel... hehe... why is nobody ever around for gems like that?"
i think my ceiling was secretly judging me.

wein the chocolate biz're nearing the home stretch of that certain, special time of year where things are busy and i spend 9 to 10 hours a day with some very very tense people. responsively, i cope by grinching up (seriously. i hate christmas.) and eating a lot of fast food and gaining weight and silently hating myself and becoming incapable of focusing on anything or anyone for any measurable period of time.
there were a lot of "-ing"s in that last sentence.
so much of my brain has stopped paying attention ("what did i just say?" "uh... something about 'pain' and 'tension'?") and is instead elocuting my never ending to-do list on my skull's intercom and i've been worried my inattention and my flubs are going to leave a lasting impression on those around me, but today my office compadre (not dingdong) was trying to decide which upcoming play to buy tickets to. she read off a list of titles, paused after one and asked, "do you think it's a musical?"
i looked up from my computer, "'the miracle worker'?"
"ya. do you think it's a musical?"
"the play about helen keller?"
"maybe i'll go see 'she loves me'."
"there you go."

all i'm saying is, nobody at work is performing at full capacity. i think something might be wrong with our synapses.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

an addendum

because i needed a break from ingredient information...

i always wondered which marx brother i looked like.

Monday, November 12, 2007


a girl from high school sat down next to me yesterday so i said, "i don't know if you remember me but we went to high school together. i'm kat."
she said, "ya, i remember you." and then abruptly turned away and stared at the chair in front of her.

it was weird.
my sister, who was sitting on the other side of me, was amused.

moving on.
next in what is becoming my overwhelmingly unpopular "card of the day" series i give you...

because i believe few things in life are more honestly expressive of our inner climate than how we choose to style "wooly willy's" magnet hair, whiskers, and eyebrows.
i personally went for a you-will-go-to-sleep-or-i-will-put-you-to-sleep-you're-in-my-world-now-grandma kind of a look...

Friday, November 09, 2007

dingdong: a study in simplicity

dingdong: kat!
me: [take off head phones]
dingdong: i have to tell you something!
me: what?
dingdong: the sun is setting!
me: ... it does that.
dingdong: i can see the sunset colors in my office!
me: ... good for you.
-la end

sidenote: her window faces east.

continuing on with the flashcards of friendship, i bring you the "quote of the day" card...

please don't be shy.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

how are you?

if you would all take this, fill it out and give it to me the next time you see me, or send it to:
p.o. box 1962
orem, ut 84059

then i promise to both read it and care about how you are doing.

but probably not until january.