Tuesday, April 24, 2007

i just might stop to che-eck you out

i love wendys. i love their frostys.
i love violent femmes. i love coming up with my own interpretation of the lyrics of "blister in the sun".
i even sort of love corbin allred. i love that every time i see him i'm reminded of his role as screaming little boy in "robin hood: men in tights".

but i cannot abide the latest wendys commercial.
chicken sandwiches. violent femmes music. mormon movie actors.
these three worlds should NEVER INTERSECT.

i feel like i'm taking crazy pills.

Friday, April 20, 2007

p-a-r-a-noid

ok, fine. when i tried to open the trunk of my car the other morning and my car key broke in the lock, i admit i thought the broken key was a harbinger of the bad karmic voodoo i'd flippantly referred to while mocking the poor girl i work with for 7 straight hours.

because deep down i'm incredibly superstitious.
and also on the surface i'm superstitious.
and basically in all the middle layers of my personality i'm superstitious.

but so many serendipitous things happen in any given day... except instead of finding john cusack's phone number on the back of a five dollar bill, i tend to run into middle aged ladies in the yarn aisle at walmart who just happen to know for a fact that the newest sublimation project i've undertaken and focused all my sense of fulfillment and self worth into is, in fact, useless.

and i have to leave walmart in shame.
and sit in my car thinking, "hu, what were the odds of that?" which naturally lends itself to, "why haven't i found that deliciously cusacky $5 bill yet? i bet the odds are the same." which naturally lends itself to, "man that movie sucked. why do i know so many details about it? and i only saw it the one time. what are the odds of me remembering so many things about such a lame movie but not remember to buy toilet paper while i was at walmart?"


i sat on the curb with my half-a-key for about 30 seconds contemplating my newly jinxed life.
but that got boring.
because seriously if sarcasm gives you bad karma, i was screwed long ago.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

snapt update 17:03

can overhear her on the phone with her husband having one of her "i love you... no i love you more... no i love you more..." conversations.
i didn't know people in real life did that.

after many, many hours of her incessant and unyielding jibberish, her "i don't eat buffalo" type moments, and her pawning off her job to me i have decided to put into action the best defense mechanism there is... and go home.

because the staring at her with seething annoyance in my eyes just isn't doing it for me anymore.

snapt update 16:48

if you have to say, "just kidding" after every somewhat snippy comment...
the things you're saying aren't clever.

you can probably also judge that from the people not laughing.

now i feel sorry for her.
hehe... just kidding.

snapt update 16:25

for the last fifteen minutes, prattlicious has been telling the 19 year old pregnant girl who works here about stretch marks and other traumatizing things.
it is awkward.

i put on my ipod and turned it up really loud to drown them out also reasoning that when prattley mcprattleson (of the provo mcprattlesons) comes into my office and is ignored, she'll have to leave in defeat.
but she won't be able to get offended.
cuz i'm just listening to my ipod.

ultimate backfire.

when the prattulencecame into my office, not only did she persist until i took out my headphones to listen to her, but because my ipod was on so loud, i didn't here her come in and now have the unsettling feeling she's sneaking up on me.

snapt update 16:03

ahem.

it's not.

snapt update 16:02

oh! perhaps, like the mighty tyranasaurus rex, her vision is based on movement!

snapt update 15:13

went into her office to make peace. asked her what she's been up to.

hello 15 minute explanation of the intricacies of the miss pleasant grove beauty pageant , how are you? no, i didn't know judges deduct points during the interview process if your shoes aren't conservative enough.

i'd also like to give a special shout out to the karmic blackhole i've decided to welcome.

snapt update 14:52

experiencing a crisis of conscience.
perhaps prattler's prattling isn't all that bad.
perhaps it's me.

and what if this judgemental attitude sends me into some sort of karmic blackhole where nothing even remotely good will happen to me ever again??

snapt update 14:19

like many utah valleyians, ding dong ssspeaksss with a lisssp.
a very exsssstreme emphasssisss on all her letter s's.

that is how i know the little spiel she'sss invented for anssswering the phone involvesss 5 S's.


sss

snapt update 13:46

gaaa!! wouldn't leave.
finally, called her extension from my cell phone.
when she left to answer phone, i hung up cell phone, snuck into the back and ate a piece of chocolate.

very effective.

snapt update 13:02

ding dong came into my office to tell me she's going to leave early tomorrow. this means i have to stay late tomorrow covering for her.
last week she took thursday and friday off because her family was going to moab. however, last wednesday she informed me, "ya, me and my husband aren't going to go to moab this weekend. but i'm still not going to come into work."
50% of her job description is just to, you know, be here. and she's the only person here at the factory who has to have someone* cover for her when she doesn't show up.


*me. lovely how that works out, right?

snapt update 11:57

officemate threw a sharpie at my head.

totally worth it.

snapt update 11:56

office prattler's method of listening is to parrot back whatever you say to her in a wide-eyed, incredulous tone.
"what are you doing?"
"reading an email."
"you're reading an email??"
"um... yep."
"who is it from?"
"my mom."
"you're reading an email from your mother??"
"um... yep."

she came into my office and started picking up the mock ups on my desk and asking "what's this for?" "how about this?" "what are you going to do with this?"
"you think i should stick this mockup where??"

decided to distract and dash.
asked officemate what she did this weekend and when the prattler turned to her and said incredulously, "you went out to dinner??" i snuck out of the office and sat in the back cold room for about five minutes eating a piece of chocolate.

when came back to office, prattler was gone.

victory.

snapt update 10:54

"when i was first dating my husband, he was 23. it wasn't until he just turned 25 that i realized how old he is!"

snapt update 10:21

one sentence exposition: we're trying to meet the qualifications to be "kosher" so we can sell our products to more places.

the office ding dong just got off the phone and came into my office
"a rabbi rosenbaum called for rob."
"hu."
"... do you think rabbi is his first name?"

snapt. crackt. popt.

i consider myself a tolerant woman.

wait... no i don't. i was thinking of mother teresa.
she's tolerant.
i am intolerant.
and surly.

deal with it.

i hate the receptionist at work. i loathe her. i used to call her "the prattler" but now i refer to her simply as "ding dong". she goes against everything i believe to be wholesome and true. she aggravates me on so many different levels i can no longer contain my annoyance.

i therefore dedicate this day to the dissecting and ruination of the office idiot.



hoorah.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

gluttony

i like food.
more importantly, i like people who like food.
i'm disappointed when people are picky or hesitant to try something new and different.

i have a few friends from a seasonal job three years ago and every couple of months we try a new restaurant in salt lake. i always go home fully satiated. a feeling which only comes when the people are interesting, the evening is relaxed, and you remember you're binging yourself at a place recommended by tim and nina. binging yourself on lobster. and chocolate truffle gateau. and this mushroomy appetizer thing...

also. last night when i was talking to holly who will always order a few appetizers and a couple of entrees until inevitably the server looks at her and asks, "is this all for you?" and looks all incredulous because she's about 72 pounds, but she just wants to get the most out of her dining experience and try a little bit of everything about what she's been up too she told me she's started working on her masters and wants to transfer to columbia university and then finally be able to go to africa to do humanitarian work, and all i thought was, "wait... you can do stuff like that even when you're married?"
i hate that i have this preconceived notion of what marriage is. still. not even of what marriage is, more a notion of what you can suddenly cook 5 course meals and cannot fantasize about running into christian bale one day as he is serendipitously trying to cast someone in his newest venture "newsies: part deux: this time it's personal: do you think that kid from 'doogie howzer' is still alive?" and then fall in love during the hip hop remix of "santa fe" do once you get married. that you give up one version of yourself to become another. i've never thought of a husband as someone who would want to move to another continent or encourage you to get your masters, or make you more of an adventurous and motivated person.
it was as though i'd had a breakthrough.
a beautiful, wonderful breakthrough.

Monday, April 09, 2007

small talky

people are interesting.
indubitably.
doubtless.
without a doubt.

this is the conclusion i've come to after spending a week at the mall, sitting in a corner. people watching. small talking. rating attractiveness on a scale of 1 to 7...
it's a wonderful vacation from the life of a desk job.

most people are friendly and patient and willing to make good natured small talk about how my hand probably gets tired and do i mind if they watch and then they say thanks and oh, isn't that cute, and continue on with their day.
some people are not friendly. or patient. but it's because they're having a bad day (please read: "week" (please read: "year" (please read: "life"))) and let's face it, that's pretty interesting too.
and then there are the few people who are simply rude and patronizing and entitled and obviously do not believe in the concept of karma.
they should be dragged from their cars and beaten. i spent my weekend watching "newradio".

i got to deal with a little bit of everyone. which i love. mostly because it gives me something to write about.
except that i kind of don't want to write anymore.

today's moral...
people=interesting
desk job= boring

zydeco


i found a wonderful deal on one of most fantasmagorical cinematic experiences of my life.
i say, quite simply, hoorah.

and also, bring it.