Wednesday, April 26, 2006


i'd write something today.
but i have ennui.

and everytime i try to think of something to write about, my brain yawns.

i'll update later.
when i don't have ennui.
what's the opposite of ennui, again?

oh ya. off-ui.

i'll update when i have that.

or whatever.

Friday, April 21, 2006

don't mess with me, man, i'm a lawyer.

imagine my joy/confusion when five seconds into "take the lead" i saw the one, the only, the incomparable...


that's right. not since amanda's 11th birthday party at the dollar theater-where we were going to see "curly sue", but got there late and decided to see "hook" instead-have i been witness to rufio's appearance on screen.
cinematic gold.
who can forget the face off of wits between rufio and robin williams a.k.a. peter pan*...

peter: i bet you don't even have a fourth grade reading level.
rufio: hemorrhoidal suck naval.
peter: or maybe a fifth grade reading level.
[kids whistle and waves their hands around]
rufio: boil dripping beef fart sniffing bubble butt.
kids: bangerang, rufio!
peter: someone has a severe ka-ka mouth, you know that?
rufio: you are fart factory. cheesy, scab picked, pimple squeezing finger bandage. a week old maggot burger with everything on it and flies on the side.
peter: substitute chemistry teacher.
rufio: mung tongue.
peter: math tutor.
rufio: pinhead.
peter: prison Barber.
rufio: mother lover.
peter: nearsighted gynecologist.
rufio: in your face, camel cake.
peter: in your rear, cow derriere.
rufio: lying, crying, spying, prying ultra-pig.
peter: you lewd, crude, rude, bag of pre-chewed food, dude.
kids: bangerang, peter!

ah... good times.

rufio's performance was so perfectly convincing that i believe the actor actually became a lost boy. that's the only explanation for his role as a dancing, smart alecky teenager. fifteen years later and he's still waiting to go through puberty.
poor rufio.
poor, poor rufio.
rufio, whose name has become my personal "shave and a haircut.... two bits." you can't chant the first part, and leave it at that.
trust me.



*transcript included against my better judgement. i don't know what kind of people the search engines are going to lead to my blog now.
mark my words, this will end in badness.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

nature vs nurture

i inherited 2 things from my dad... the habit of remembering all the important things in my life in association with the food i ate, and a sad, sick love of very bad movies.

it's probably genetic.

yes, if you ask my dad about the birth of my older sister he will launch into a story about what they were serving in the hospital cafeteria that night.
yes, if you ask me about our family vacation 5 years ago, i will launch into a story about how that was when i ate a taco bell burrito supreme for the first time in my life.

and i realized last night as i launched into a very enthusiastic plot synopsis of my dad's favorite crappy movie "remo williams", the story of a cop who's death is faked and identity is altered so he can become an elite assassin guided by a martial arts master/bullet dodger/runner across water-um-er played by joel grey so he can help kate mulgrew expose an evil guy's scandal whilst falling in love with her, and escape from sure death by using an evil lackey's diamond tooth to cut through glass, that my mockery over the years of said flick has been nothing but a flimsy masking of my undying adoration of such a cinematic disaster.

i'm one step away from owning "water world".

Monday, April 17, 2006

child within

kids have the uncanny ability to watch a movie over and over and over.
and over.
and yes, you guessed it, over.

it's endearing.
either that or unnerving.
depending on the movie.

thank heavens we grow out of it and as adults no longer clammor for more of the same thing.
am i right?

newness! originality! that's what i crave.
i feel absolutely no enthusiasm or anticipation for the same old stuff.

um... i swear.

i don't want to talk about it anymore.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

the grind

there is a three week chunk of time when my job kicks trash.

"when?" you ask?

"right now." i reply.

"why?" you ask?

"because", i reply, " my mornings involve... well, hitting the snooze button. but my later mornings involve designing halloween candy labels that center mostly around a cute, little bat i made and like to call "batsey", and talking to "tom" of "the hazelnut council" about my company's hazelnut needs and flirting a little bit because "tom" has an attractive voice and let's face it, i'm lonely, and getting a free sample of hazelnut products mailed to me.
and then my afternoons are spent at the mall writing on chocolate easter eggs with frosting."

"umm... i was just being polite." you say.

"what?" i ask.

"i was just being polite. i don't really care." you say.

you're kind of a jerk.

Monday, April 10, 2006

what might have been

oh tom lenk.
in a simpler world, i think i could have loved you.

but ours is not a simple world.

a kinder, gentler... whatever

tuesday night, as i flew to san francisco, i had vague flashes of being a friendlier person. mind you, not a nicer, or better person... just friendlier. i used to find joy in making small talk with strangers. now i avoid it. like the plague. and i do the non commital half laugh/head nod/refusal to look up from my sudoku book thing whenever people try and initiate small talk.
so, ya, maybe i used to be a nicer person too.
the way i see it, it's not my fault.
it's that somehow the soul of andy rooney has entered my being and instead of finding joy in human contact, i find joy in observing and later mocking those i encounter.

i think it's time i turned over a new leaf.
yet again.
so long, old man rooney. so long.

but before i do the whole turning over a new leaf thing yet again can i just say that i don't see why gas stations make you pay to use their air pump thing. i mean, seriously, you're charging me for air? air??
and why do some women insist on speaking with the sibilant "s"? it'sss like they think it will, i don't know, make them sssound sssweeter when really it just makesss them look sssilly. and also it's contagiousss-ahem-contagious.
but most of all, i'm sorry, 16 year old boy who got arrested for riding his bike after curfew with a broken light, that you got arrested. it's very sad and very lame. but i don't really feel right going to the courthouse and protesting the "racial profiling" that you feel occurred. yes, yes... i know how hard it's been for your people (and by "your people" i am, of course, referring to vegans). all those years of upper middle class suburban oppression...
i can't wait to read your memoir.

i feel better now.
i can turn over my new leaf yet again now.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

morning person

stuck in my head: "faith" by george michael.

reason 3 why i'm very confused today...

today, around 3:14 am, i woke up suddenly and leapt out of my bed.
it was very weird.

um... that's basically it.

it's a turf war, on a global scale

there are certain issues that transcend grey.
that are, quite tersely, either black or white.
with no room for semantics, moderation, or compromise.

and when you stumble upon a difference of opinion concerning one of these issues, the only thing you can do is try and figure out if your friendship has a sturdy enough rug to sweep the difference under and ignore.
because it must be ignored.

no amount of debating, or justification will ever bring about even a portion of mutual understanding.
such a debate does, however, have the capability of destroying friendships, and possibly ruining lives.

sigh... either you love "strictly ballroom" or you don't.
there is no inbetween.

let's never speak of it again.