Good... And Good for You

This one time, I had to run an errand at the Gateway Mall (back when it, you know, had stores) and as I walked down the street, out of NOWHERE, a full-on, freaking Teen Wolf appeared around a corner and started walking towards me. “Gah! Teen Wolf!,” I exclaimed. The Teen Wolf responded by extending his arms to either embrace or murder me. So I said what I always say when I’m either gonna be murdered or hugged: “No no no no no no no...” I gingerly sidestepped the Teen Wolf while maintaining aggressive eye contact with him until I reached the corner and could run towards freedom. Turns out it was actually the Jazz Bear. -The End- ... It occurs to me now that I was actually making aggressive eye contact with his fake, Jazz Bear eyes. Which would explain why he never blinked.

When i’m single, an “evening in” means watching a season and a half of, like, The Office, in a ratty, over-sized t-shirt that I’ve had since junior high, while I pour chocolate chips straight into my mouth from the bag. When I’m dating someone, an evening in means watching an awesome 80’s movie like Last Starfighter or Superman, in my Dirty Dash t-shirt to fool the guy I’m with into thinking I’m active, and ordering a gigantic pizza. And I’m assuming that if I were married and parental, an evening in would mean watching the latest Pixar, in a t-shirt that used to be my husband’s until I claimed it as my own, while I sneak away to the pantry every five minutes to eat candy that I don’t want my greedy little child goblins to know we own. My point is... what the heck did people do before television ? I mean, I guess they probably listened to the radio. But before radio? Well, they probably read books. And before books? They died of dysentery. I truly don’t expect any of you

I truly worry about the day that I go missing and the FBI has to delve into my phone’s search history for clues. Because you know that some crime podcast is gonna parse where my head was at when I googled “do koalas have STDs?” What they need to understand is that I have a totally healthy curiosity about the world around me!! ... which is why I also googled “whale nipples.”