Friday, June 30, 2006


stuck in my head: "rock the casbah"

reason 47 why it's important to never ever say to you boss "i guess i'll take off" on a friday at 1 o'clock and then when he asks why you're leaving so early you should never tell him the truth- "i don't have anything to do."

i just got home from work, after re-filing our invoices from 1996-2002.
i brought it upon myself.

Thursday, June 29, 2006


the inner ebert won't be quelled either...

i kind of have this theory that while in utero, i heard the muffled version of "raiders of the lost ark" and concluded that life outside might be worth living after all.

my point? i have big movie love. an allegiance which results in my inability to stay silent when the cinematically ignorant express their opinions. a fondness for every genre.

and a very high tolerance for off the wall, corn bally badness.

so, please keep my big, geeky movie love in mind when i ask you:

where have all the good movies gone?

i've seen a lot of great rented, and foreign movies this past year, but i can't think of the last "in theater" movie i liked enough to go see more than once.

and after seeing the sequels to "underworld" and "bruce almighty" being made, i'm wondering if we're going through some sort of sick, blockbuster dark age. ("garfield 2"? seriously??)

until there's some sort of hollywood rebirth (a cinemataissance, if you will) i've decided to focus my loquaciousness (totally just thesaurussed that) on the non blockbustery movies of the world. the list thus far includes "not one less", "fatso", "blazing saddles", "i'm reed fish", "for keeps?", and "casablanca" (i'm not gonna even bother linking it).

now i present you with my simple plea for additions to the list.
help a girl out.

did you ever think "siskel ebert" was one guy?
hehehe... um, ya... me neither.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

andy. not mickey.

the inner rooney will no longer be quelled...

i'm not going to gloss over anything or filter myself today. and i'm not going to throw in a bunch of goofy, made up adjectives as per the norm. because i want to make this perfectly clear.

i am surrounded by idiots.

you could sit me down and point out how the people who surround me fit almost entirely into the 16-21 year old age bracket and so what do i expect? i might even be tempted to agree with you and quip that although i adore teenagers individually, you have to agree that as a group they're rather stupid (and then you would roll your eyes and say, "why do you always quote that mary poppins song. it's not that funny!... sometimes i think you're the idiot that surrounds me!" and i would probably draw myself up and look down my nose at you and say, "you know, while i adore you individually, as a group you're rather stupid." and you'd start laughing and say, "that doesn't make any sense!" and i'd say, "your mom doesn't make any sense." and then i'd walk out the door, into the night, never to be seen or heard from again and you would have learned an important lesson about how words can be hurtful).

but even if there's some validity to my quippage (hu. well, i went a good two paragraphs before i made up a word and that's got to mean something) and teenagers' idiocy increases exponentially as they increase in numbers and in a twisted example of synergy, their idiocy becomes more than the sum of their parts... ok, then that would mean that idiocy is contagious.
maybe it gets airborn somehow.
i don't know.
but here in my chocolate factory world, there's a particularly vicious strain of idiot going around and the adults are catching it.

yesterday, three representatives from a much more well known chocolate company on the east coast arrived to meet with us. three perfectly intelligent people who after an hour in our factory, and a 5 minute interaction with our 20 year old office manager("i always thought orem, utah was a big city growing up but that was before i'd been to sandy... ya, i guess byu is a party school... no, i didn't go to byu because i didn't want to get married really young... uh hu, i got married last summer!"), degenerated into chris farley. i'm not exaggerating. the last thing one of them said to me as he walked out the door was, "just because it took me 5 or 6 years to graduate from college... lot's of people take that long!"

ya... they're called doctors.

the adults in my life are seriously not doing well lately, but the grand prize of consummate inanity unanimously goes to the owner's 16 year old son. he's worked here for 3 weeks and at first i thought i was having a problem with nepotism. my internal anti-nepotism rant lasted 12 hours. maybe 13. because i'd managed to forget that everyone who works at the factory is somehow related to someone else but i don't have a problem with any of them. besides, i got my job here because of my sister and i really don't have a problem with me. i had to delve deeper into my hatred. the next day he came up to the front office and asked for the key to the soda machine. our little twenty year old office manager asked him if there was a problem with the machine and he looked at her, paused and said, "you don't know who i am, do you. i'm rob's son. now let me have the key to the soda machine."

in a way, i admire his overzealous commitment to art of imbecility. his comments to the people he works with, his utter lack of respect for anyone or anything, his total absence of tact... he's going to be just like dad someday.

i might still be bitter from the time i had to do his science project.

you know, come to think of it, andy rooney would never say any of this.

Monday, June 26, 2006

a hunch

as i sit at my stupid desk
staring at my stupid computer
while stupid people ask me to do stupid things,
i can't help but suspect that it would've been better for everyone involved if i 'd



in bed.

Thursday, June 22, 2006


last sunday, my grandfather gave me my birthday present and i can hear what you're all on the verge of commenting...

"happy birthday! hooray! you're older! you're 25! you're a quarter of a century!"

no. no i'm not.

my birthday's in august, however my grandfather has a life(as in my life)long tradition of eccentricity. i'm sure the day i was born he went out and bought me a beautiful, top of the line crib... either that or a magazine about penguins.
i personally can't remember that far back.
but i know those are valid predictions, because... well, basically because those are two gifts i would want to give and guess who i inherited my randomness from.
that's right. grandpa.

as a young child, i was shy and inhibited and not quite sure how to deal with an old man who didn't treat me like all the other grown ups in my life did. "grandpa planned" excursions into the unknown made me wary because i never knew whether i'd end up at the zoo watching my safari hatted grandfather communicate with "chico" the monkey and saluting "toka" the elephant (who would in turn salute grandpa with his trunk. it was very weird), or at the local airforce base sitting in an old bomber plane, or on a mountain clinging desperately to the side of a horse i'd been placed atop of five minutes before it slipped in the mud.
side note: clinging to the side of a disagreeable horse in the pouring rain while the rest of your horse riding posse continues on in ignorance is awkward at best. and it really works your quads.
and on grandpa sponsored vacations i never knew if i was going to end up watching "old faithful"- that geyser of fun- go off at regular intervals for 5 hours while eating hershey's bars dipped in peanut butter and learning how to play jacks, or being told to climb over the "do not pass this point" fence and pretending to hang off a cliff for a photo op.

ya, it probably wasn't until my 22nd birthday that i was able to fully appreciate my grandfather's randomness.
the birthday before he had given me a car. a beautiful, white, shiney car with a new car smell and a sunroof. a car which my ex quasi boyfriend hated me for. a car which, during a fancy dinner at log haven, my friends used as proof that i was spoiled (which was a weird conversation in and of itself because it involved 4 twenty-somethings going around the table and saying, "no way, man! you're more spoiled because you didn't have to pay for college!" and "whatever! you always got a huge allowance!" and "nice outfit... did mommy pay for it??" as we ate our duck and lobster and complained about the hardships of our suburban, middle class upbringing... sigh... i miss those days).
but for my 22nd birthday, i was given a pile of old reader's digests and a half used bottle of shampoo and that's when i realized the true potential for randomness i had inside me. planning trips to the taco bell in parawan, giving my dad a monogramming branding iron for father's day, painting a picture of a monkey for my grandmother... those only make me the diet coke of eccentrics.

ah, how far i have to go.

Monday, June 19, 2006


i was called "ma'am" three times today.

that's right.

i was thrice "ma'am"ed.

sigh... i hate provo.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

yes. yes that was a stupid question.

our office manager is out of town until tuesday which of course means that i am the office manager until tuesday.

i don't want to get into it.

but as the "'til tuesday office gal", i just had the best phone conversation of my life...

me: hello, **** chocolates.
chick (teenagerish sounding): hi. this may be a stupid question but i was wondering if you could send me a free box of chocolates.
me: um... are with any, like, um... just because?
chick: ya.
me: ... why?
chick: because i want to give them to my dad for father's day and i'm broke.
me: [stifled laughter]
chick: sooo...
me: i don't think we can do that.
chick: ...
me: sorry.
chick: ...
me: we mostly do our donations to the local hospital. and during the summer we really don't ship out our chocolate anyways.
chica: [defeated] ok.
me: [not very well stifled laughter] but good luck with that.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

something new #2

i am not built for yoga.

i have a natural turn out. if i "allign" my feet, my knees aren't happy.
and a broken nose. pranayama is impossible.
i'm freakishly long. way too long for the mat.
i don't flex my feet, i point my toes.
i don't want "to be", i want to be better than you.
i don't want to let the movements come. i want my body to do what i tell it to.

those thirteen years of dance have officially turned me into the ultimate anti-yogist. a high arched, highly competitive, body hating, "if it doesn't hurt, then you're not doing it right" anti-yogist.

of course my progressively toned arms, the novelty, and the nap we get to take at the end of class kind of take the edge off.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

black top

this morning i put my groceries in my car and then put my cart in one of those parking lot, cart returny things because it's one of my top pet peeves when people leave their shopping carts all helter skelter so you can't get into a parking space, or you do but you end up scratching your car on the cart because for the love! you're a driver and NOT a magician who can also sit in a block of ice for 17 days and guess the number that you, the viewers at home are thinking of, am i right? but let's gain some perspective, shall we? yes, the whole shopping cart thing is definitely a pet peeve but it stands no comparison to the rest of my pet peeve list movies about animals/babies where they use cgi to make it look like they're really talking that's right "babe: pig in the city", i'm looking at you!, nicholas cage, text messaging, and the fact that you can't ask someone who they're going to call without 30 people yelling "ghostbusters!" but i don't want to get off topic and when i got back to my car my lettuce was wilted, my milk was sour, my chocolate was melted, and my eggs had incubated and hatched leaving me with 18 very angry and very hot little chickens which i ended up naming "kat".
all 18 of them.
so from now on please refer to me as "human kat" to avoid confusion.