thanksgiving twenty-ten a.k.a. adventures in incestery... ick

if, like the rest of my family, you think it was nice and somewhat selfless of me to drive my grandmother home when she demanded to be taken home after only two hours of thanksgiving-ing, well then, you're a chump.

crazy cousin once removed who is sitting at the head of the dinner table watching us all eat while he eats nothing. like, nothing. i'm still not sure why: you know, you can't even really prove that france exists.

me, sitting next to him: what?

crazy cousin once removed: seriously, how can you prove it exists?

me: well, there are maps and pictures of the eiffel tower and i know a bunch of people who have gone there. like carolyn. who's sitting right there.

ccor: but we saved their butts during world war 1 and world war 2.

me: did "we"?

ccor: and now all they do is bitch about us.

me: so wouldn't you say their bitching in fact proves that they exist?

ccor: [insert obligatory and poorly-crafted rant about 'nam.]

me: ... right on.

ccor: you know, after i caught my son using drugs again, he was standing at the top of the stairs mouthing off to me so i punched him really lightly in the windpipe.

me: ... um... sure.

ccor: and he kind of laughed at me and said, "what was that? that didn't even hurt!" so i said, "you're lucky i pulled that punch or you wouldn't be standing here right now!" and then he packed up his stuff and left and i haven't heard from him since.

me: that's too bad.

ccor: i could have punched him for real if i'd wanted to and it would have been lethal.

me: well, i think you made the right choice.

ccor: ya?

me: if you ask me, not committing manslaughter is pretty much always a good choice.

ccor: does anyone want some coffee?? no??? [insert obligatory and poorly-crafted rant against my family's religious beliefs]

me: ...right on. how's your daughter?

ccor: she's fine.

me: ya? how's her little girl?

ccor: good. she's two years old now.

me: awww, that's fun.

ccor: you know what we should do?

me: what?

ccor: we should get married.

me: ...

ccor: ...

me: ...

ccor: ...

me: ...what?

ccor: ya, i mean there'd be no hanky panky, obviously.

me: ...

ccor: but you could get artificially inseminated.

me: ...

ccor: ...

me: ya, you know, i actually don't really ever want kids. ever.

ccor: you don't?

me: nope.

ccor: why not?

me: well, ... um... it's just that the older i get, the more i realize that kids are hard work.

ccor: that's true. hu, i thought you really wanted kids.

me: nope. don't want kids. ever. but thank you for the kind offer of your sperm.

ccor: there wouldn't be anything wrong with us having a kid.

me: wouldn't there??

ccor: we'd be keeping the bloodline pure. plus we're second cousins so it would be fine.

me: ... i don't think we are. i think you're my cousin once removed.

ccor: besides, sixty-one is the new forty-one.

me: ... i don't think it is.

ccor: ...

me: ...

ccor: you know, you can't really prove that italy exists either.

me: ...

fin