a day in the life of kathryn

part 9,181
the one where there's a lot of love but too many good intentions.


madre: okay, i'll admit it. i really want grandchildren.
me: no kidding.
padre: do you date at all, kathryn?
me: no.
padre: not at all?
me: no
padre: ...well, i don't get that at all.
madre: listen, i'll admit it. i want grandchildren.
me: okay.
grandma: [walking into living room with an orange shirt] you left this here.
me: i did?
grandma: yes.
me: when?
grandma: a few years ago. do you want it?
me: ...no.
grandma: you don't want it?
me: no.
grandma: why not?
me: it's orange.
grandma: ...
me: and two sizes too small.
grandma: i'm trying to clean out my house before i die. [sighs and walks out of room]
padre: don't the boys ask you on dates?
me: no.
padre: no?
me: no.
padre: they're probaby intimidated.
me: ...yes i'm sure that's it.
madre: okay, okay! i admit it. i want grandchildren.
me: good for you.
grandma: [walks into living room with pair of pants] do you want these?
me: no.
grandma: carolyn left them here awhile ago.
me: define "awhile".
grandma: um... 1996?
me: no.
grandma: you don't want them?
me: really, really no.
grandma: do you think carolyn wants them?
me: well... they're size 14 khaki carpenter pants, so i'm gonna say no.
grandma: but they're such a nice material.
me: indeed.
grandma: sigh... i just don't want you to have to clean out my house when i die [walks out of room]
madre: you know, the people at work are going through all these life changes because their kids are getting married and having babies.
me: that's nice for them.
madre: and all i have is stories about our dog...
the dog: woof!
padre: you know, i used to be scared of rejection.
madre: ... so, yes, i admit it...
padre: maybe the boys are afraid you'll reject them.
madre: ... i want grandchildren...
padre: someone once told me, "if you apply for a job, you might not get it. but if you don't apply, then you definitely won't get it."
madre: ... see? i admit it!
padre: you should tell the boys that.
grandma: [walks in with a pair of jeans] now, kathryn, i wear these jeans you left here when i garden.
me: cool.
grandma: i like them because they're nice and thick and i don't get cut by the thorns. but they're the ultra low waisted pants that are the fashion now a days.
me: look at you following the trends.
grandma: well, the other day i was out in the garden picking up plums and when i stood up, it felt drafty and that's when i realized that your jeans had fallen off me!
me: grandma!
grandma: i'm just glad i was in the back yard!
me: maybe we should buy you a belt.
grandma: no. i'm going to die.
me: ... sigh.
grandma: now, kathryn, when i do die... i don't want you to go through my clothes, just throw them away.
me: actually grandma, when you die i'm just going to toss you on your bed... and burn your house down.
grandma: oh kathryn.
me: no, seriously, think about it grandma... we won't have to pay for a funeral, we won't have to clean out your house, and we'll collect some insurance money!
grandma: ... [starts nodding]... and you could probably sell the property too.

fin

Comments

Anonymous said…
hmmm.... i dont know if that was funny or disturbing. it was funny yet sad at the same time. its kinda like when you said "your mom" to me.....sigh, im so sad yet happy right now
Nama said…
you know, your grandma speaks the truth. we're all going to die...so i guess i should rethink that cashmere sweater & red pea coat i'm thinking of buying?
Kimberly said…
No, Nama, don't rethink that. You should buy them.
Ben said…
[whimpering sound]
Fat eSpence said…
Wow. Can I have your orange shirt?
Rach said…
Wow. I forgot how wonderful it is to read your blog in public and fail at trying to not laugh out loud.