emotikats

today's emoticons are trite, insipid, and jejune. we all know it. we all sit in our cubicles, secretly im-ing on precious company time, wishing there was something to make our anecdotes more vivid, our days fuller, our lives worth living again!
which is why it gives me great pleasure to offer you emotikats*!
"just like emoticons but with kat!"**
they make even the most bizarre story more interesting. just watch...

i went to a job interview on monday. jeremy led me back into a big glass office, sat down in his desk, and stared at me.
"tell me about yourself", he said.
i put on my "trying to make a good first impression" face...

"well... i was born and raised in salt lake city but i moved out here for school and now i work at a chocolate factory where i design their packaging. but mostly i just eat chocolate."
jeremy stared, his gold chains gleaming in the office light.
i kept going. "um... i have one older sister who lives in boston.
jeremy stared, his buzz cut hair gleaming in the office light.
i kept going. "um... i went skiing for the first time ever a couple of weeks ago."
jeremy stared, his cheap cologne gleaming in the office light.
i stared back.

there was a knock on the door...
"aughh! i can't believe someone would interupt me during an interview!... get the door."
hu.
i opened the door and some guys came in and took a desk.
i don't know why.
but jeremy stared, his braces gleaming in the office light.
the guys and the desk left.
i turned to jeremy, "so the ad in the daily herald didn't provide a lot of specifics about this job. could you fill me in on the details?"
jeremy looked at me, "this job is about making money. every time i walk into the bank with my paycheck i can't believe that i'm making this kind of money. that i'm making it morally and ethically. dan just bought a new bmw 650i coupe. his monthly payments are $2,000 a month! susan has made $50,000 so far this year! and it's only march! so what i want to know kathryn, is whether or not you can see yourself making that kind of income and doing this job!?!"

jeremy leaned back in his seat and folded his arms.

it occured to me that jeremy was a freak.

i looked at him, "hmm... i don't know."
jeremy was not amused, "listen! i'm not here to talk you into this! i'm not here to convince you! i have literally 20 people who want this job! twenty people who are dying to make money and live this life!!! so i don't need to waste my time trying to talk you into this!"

jeremy was yelling at me
his braces were gleaming angrily in the office light.
seriously, who did he think he was?

i said, "look, i read an ad in the local newspaper. i called to get some information and was told to set up a time to come in and talk to someone and that's what i'm doing. so if i'm coming off as wary, it's because i have no idea what this job is you're trying to get me to take!"

at this point i figured jeremy would thank me for coming and walk me out.
or put a curse on my household.
and kick me.
and i would be forced to continue in my non bmw, non $50,000 in two months lifestyle.

but jeremy leaned back in his chair and stared at me. sneering.
"i have a pretty good gut feeling about people and i want to give you a chance. you have some sass, and i think i could turn you into a pretty successful employee here. come back tomorrow."
i mumbled something about how i already have a job and if i were to quit i'd have to give 2 weeks notice anyways.
"what?? two weeks notice?? if your bosses decided to fire you they'd give you 30 seconds notice!! why do you owe them anything else!!"

easily the worst job interview of my life.
terrifying.
it occurs to me that i wasn't necessarily on my best behavior.
in fact, now that i think back on it, i really should've used my charm...

the end.

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