last straws
weekend of death. micah and i decided to rally together everyone who was back from thanksgiving break and play with a great spirit of irresponsibility. mid play group, i decided to do a quick sweep of the apartments in my ward to make sure everyone was invited.
ok, that's a partial truth. while walking over to micah's, i ran into james who i guess wanted to grace me with his unshowered presence. i dragged him with me to micah's where he, as always, went and sat quietly in a corner out of pure contrariness. i'd be talking to people and i'd look over and see him staring at me with a look of frustration and confusion.
so i left.
i ended up in apartment talking to an old friend. the same person who i used to consider one of my best friends... until he came back for fall semester and hated me. i hate when that happens.
my frustration with james carried over and exponentially increased my frustration with this guy. i began asking very straightforward questions. it seemed like a very good and mending idea at the time until i realized that very straight forward questions produce very straight forward answers.
so i left.
i went back to the play group and saw that james had left, thus leaving me with the implication of ditching him. my frustration level was again squared, or possibly even cubed. play group was no longer an option for me.
so i left.
i went home, called james and apologized, and looked forward to having some time alone to cool down. i told myself to relax. i think i even used the phrase "take a chill pill". unfortunately, i only had exedrin and a multivitamin. i opted for the vitamin but before i could calm down my roomate came home and there was no way i was going to be able to have a sane conversation.
so i left.
i had this genius idea to take a walk. but turns out it's frigidly cold nowadays, so i got in my car turned it on, put the seat down, turned the heat up full blast, and listened to "rhapsody in blue" (my second all time favorite song ever ("adagio for strings" taking first place)). i felt my frustration leaving me in the same exponential fashion in which it had previously risen -would that mean that my frustration was square rooted?- until there was a knock on the window. it was 3 boys from my ward. i sat for a minute and tried to think of a reason, any reason, i could give them for sleeping in my car without seeming like the complete lunatic i am.
nothing came...
leaving me to mumble something about going to the store, and then taking a nap. two of the guys wisely left me alone, but one was more daring and came into my car to talk. i tried to think of an answer, any answer, to the question, "is something wrong?" it had to be believable. it had to have tinge of normalcy.
nothing came...
and from that point on i have no idea what i said to him. i can't remember. i must have blacked out from panic, because the next thing i remember is this brave little man putting his head sympathetically on my knee. i patted him reassuringly and wondered what i had said.
i looked out my window hoping to find the answer.
instead i saw james staring at me with a look of frustration and confusion.
what's the polite thing to do in a situation like that? how was i to proceed?
my solution: smile and wave.
james went up to my apartment and in an homage to chris farley, i started hitting my head with both hands and yelling, "stupid! stupid! stupid!" my car was obviously not the place to find solace.
so i left.
and went back up to my apartment where i sat for the next couple of hours with an air of resignation.
that was my night of last straws, and if i had a camel i'm sure it's back would be broken in two! i give up! i am hereby a recluse. i don't want to get to know people anymore because i'll have fun with them and start to depend on them at which point they will "straightforwardly" tell me that i am manipulative, and insincere, and immature, and smelly, and i won't be able to tell myself that it's just because they don't know the real me.
i'm so tired of people telling me what's wrong with me. when i was in elementary school i used to combat teasings by yelling at the top of my lungs "STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES BUT WORDS WILL NEVER HURT ME!" and i believed it. now when being bombarded with horrible (yet valid) accusations i just want to say, "if you don't lay off, i'm going to get a big stick and break some bones."
aw... the wisdom that comes with age.
or perhaps rather than going on a neandertholic bone breaking rampage, i'll just cut myself off.
ok, that's a partial truth. while walking over to micah's, i ran into james who i guess wanted to grace me with his unshowered presence. i dragged him with me to micah's where he, as always, went and sat quietly in a corner out of pure contrariness. i'd be talking to people and i'd look over and see him staring at me with a look of frustration and confusion.
so i left.
i ended up in apartment talking to an old friend. the same person who i used to consider one of my best friends... until he came back for fall semester and hated me. i hate when that happens.
my frustration with james carried over and exponentially increased my frustration with this guy. i began asking very straightforward questions. it seemed like a very good and mending idea at the time until i realized that very straight forward questions produce very straight forward answers.
so i left.
i went back to the play group and saw that james had left, thus leaving me with the implication of ditching him. my frustration level was again squared, or possibly even cubed. play group was no longer an option for me.
so i left.
i went home, called james and apologized, and looked forward to having some time alone to cool down. i told myself to relax. i think i even used the phrase "take a chill pill". unfortunately, i only had exedrin and a multivitamin. i opted for the vitamin but before i could calm down my roomate came home and there was no way i was going to be able to have a sane conversation.
so i left.
i had this genius idea to take a walk. but turns out it's frigidly cold nowadays, so i got in my car turned it on, put the seat down, turned the heat up full blast, and listened to "rhapsody in blue" (my second all time favorite song ever ("adagio for strings" taking first place)). i felt my frustration leaving me in the same exponential fashion in which it had previously risen -would that mean that my frustration was square rooted?- until there was a knock on the window. it was 3 boys from my ward. i sat for a minute and tried to think of a reason, any reason, i could give them for sleeping in my car without seeming like the complete lunatic i am.
nothing came...
leaving me to mumble something about going to the store, and then taking a nap. two of the guys wisely left me alone, but one was more daring and came into my car to talk. i tried to think of an answer, any answer, to the question, "is something wrong?" it had to be believable. it had to have tinge of normalcy.
nothing came...
and from that point on i have no idea what i said to him. i can't remember. i must have blacked out from panic, because the next thing i remember is this brave little man putting his head sympathetically on my knee. i patted him reassuringly and wondered what i had said.
i looked out my window hoping to find the answer.
instead i saw james staring at me with a look of frustration and confusion.
what's the polite thing to do in a situation like that? how was i to proceed?
my solution: smile and wave.
james went up to my apartment and in an homage to chris farley, i started hitting my head with both hands and yelling, "stupid! stupid! stupid!" my car was obviously not the place to find solace.
so i left.
and went back up to my apartment where i sat for the next couple of hours with an air of resignation.
that was my night of last straws, and if i had a camel i'm sure it's back would be broken in two! i give up! i am hereby a recluse. i don't want to get to know people anymore because i'll have fun with them and start to depend on them at which point they will "straightforwardly" tell me that i am manipulative, and insincere, and immature, and smelly, and i won't be able to tell myself that it's just because they don't know the real me.
i'm so tired of people telling me what's wrong with me. when i was in elementary school i used to combat teasings by yelling at the top of my lungs "STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES BUT WORDS WILL NEVER HURT ME!" and i believed it. now when being bombarded with horrible (yet valid) accusations i just want to say, "if you don't lay off, i'm going to get a big stick and break some bones."
aw... the wisdom that comes with age.
or perhaps rather than going on a neandertholic bone breaking rampage, i'll just cut myself off.
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