epiphany
last night i had a non date with mark. and by that i mean that we were supposed to go to a counting crows concert. but the tickets fell through. so mark watched me play spider solitaire for 3 hours.
three hours.
i was not happy. and subsequently i don't blame myself at all for ditching him. for saying i had things to do and leaving.
of course, i had no place to go. so i went to james'. i'm not smart. i hung out with jake for awhile but the moment james came into the living room i remembered that i don't like him.
which meant that i went to the only other place to go at 1 am in provo. walmart.
eventually i went home (due to a few phone calls from liz) and sat on my couch. until my cell phone rang. it was james. then my other phone rang. it was mark.
james waited patiently (he was really very nice abou it) as i apologized to mark (he was very nice about it too) for being a flake. then james asked me to come over. he was direct. and civil.
i figured something must be wrong. i said i'd be right over.
when i went out to my car i saw that it was covered with chocolate and roses.
i had no idea what was going on. i went to james' and we sat in my car while he pointed out a few things...
but i was stuck.
i thought to myself, "james is always going to be around. i deserve this."
which is why i let him kiss me.
but mid kiss i totally had an epiphany. i'd had such a crappy day. and such a crappy past few months and it was so stupid. me, james, dating, my newly acquired flare for drama queening... it's all so idiotic.
as of now i do deserve james. he's told me so many valid things. i am spoiled, manipulative, conceited, insincere, all of it. but i've never been mopey before. i've never had insomnia. i've never been afraid of my friends and my family. i've never been afraid of myself.
i've never been that person. i don't need to be that person.
i'm determined to fix this. do you think i can?
three hours.
i was not happy. and subsequently i don't blame myself at all for ditching him. for saying i had things to do and leaving.
of course, i had no place to go. so i went to james'. i'm not smart. i hung out with jake for awhile but the moment james came into the living room i remembered that i don't like him.
which meant that i went to the only other place to go at 1 am in provo. walmart.
eventually i went home (due to a few phone calls from liz) and sat on my couch. until my cell phone rang. it was james. then my other phone rang. it was mark.
james waited patiently (he was really very nice abou it) as i apologized to mark (he was very nice about it too) for being a flake. then james asked me to come over. he was direct. and civil.
i figured something must be wrong. i said i'd be right over.
when i went out to my car i saw that it was covered with chocolate and roses.
i had no idea what was going on. i went to james' and we sat in my car while he pointed out a few things...
- he "constantly" thought about me over thanksgiving break,
- it hurts him when i talk to other guys,
- he doesn't treat me as well as he should (thus the chocolate and flowers)
- he has all these "tender feelings" towards me.
but i was stuck.
i thought to myself, "james is always going to be around. i deserve this."
which is why i let him kiss me.
but mid kiss i totally had an epiphany. i'd had such a crappy day. and such a crappy past few months and it was so stupid. me, james, dating, my newly acquired flare for drama queening... it's all so idiotic.
as of now i do deserve james. he's told me so many valid things. i am spoiled, manipulative, conceited, insincere, all of it. but i've never been mopey before. i've never had insomnia. i've never been afraid of my friends and my family. i've never been afraid of myself.
i've never been that person. i don't need to be that person.
i'm determined to fix this. do you think i can?
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