Good... And Good for You

last night, i had dinner with my family. afterwards, we watched "wait until dark" which i'm sure you'll agree is a fantastic movie. but even though your cinematic tastes are already in harmony with mine, i'm still going to tell you why "wait until dark" is so awesome: 60's, henry mancini music. is that a harpsichord? (i would say that the harpsichord was the keytar of the 60's. and i would also say that autotune is the keytar of right now.) (also, do you remember the lap harp? where did THAT go?)   audrey hepburn's hair. alan arkin playing three characters or, more precisely, playing one character who plays two additional characters. the complete jerk of a husband (not actually an argument for the movie being fantastic, just something i wanted to point out. seriously, he's a jerk) who doesn't run to his blind wife after she miraculously outsmarts three murderous heroin dealers. "i'm over here... come to me... hot...

when i was 15, my sister and i decided to change the outgoing message on our voicemail to something "funny." i don't remember what we changed it to, but i do remember that my mom was  not amused. this led to a confrontation, which led to an argument, which led to the kind of high-pitched shrieking match that can only happen between mothers and teenage daughters. at one point during the three party RAGE, my mom screamed something at us and then stopped mid-sentence, hit record on the phone, and said in an overly-friendly tone, "hi. we can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave us a message we'll call you back. thanks!" and then slammed the phone down and continued on with her rage thought. it was something a crazy person (or a mother of teenage daughters) would do. it was terrifying. i feel i need to make it clear that this is not a judgment of my wonderful mom. she had multiple teens. she was at war.  nor is it an accurate representa...

about a week ago, i went to this bonfire thing and wound up trying to make small talk with a guy who i've known peripherally for about a year (meaning that he's friends of friends and often at stuff i'm at). i say "trying" to make small talk, because i went to all my go-to, icebreaker topics and he was really just not having it. plus, he was doing that thing where he was talking to me but looking around for someone better. which i hate. my defense strategy when a social situation is going awkwardly... is to make it worse. seriously. i go into a bit and i keep escalating it to see how long it takes people to get that i'm joking. its like a game of sense-of-humor chicken. so i'm in the middle of a bit and i say something like, "what do you think i should do?" and the guy i was talking to said, "i don't know. maybe you should be smoother." then he said he wanted to go get some "wassail before it runs out" and he ...

hanging out with 40-year-olds... me: i invited [other 40 year old], but he never got back to me. 40: ya? me: AND since he's not on facebook, i had to look up his phone number and text him out of nowhere like a stalker. 40: you texted him? me: ya. 40: but he doesn't have text messaging. me: ... so... how am i supposed to get a hold of him? 40: well, you could call him. me: call him? like, call him on the phone? 40: yes. me: ... well that doesn't sound right at all. versus! hanging out with 20-year-olds... me: what did you do last weekend? 20: my friends and i went camping. me: during the insane rainstorm? 20: ya. it was so much fun! we grabbed some steaks and a grill and drove up to some canyon, but it was too expensive so we drove to some other canyon but all the sites were full. so then we parked in front of an empty cabin and tried to use their grill hook up. me: what? 20: but then our grill didn't have the right sized hook up so we couldn't g...

i think about the “why am i still single?” question a lot. like, a lot. because it’s a big deal. connecting and partnering up with someone is a huge part of the life experience. and not being able to make something so integral to the human existence happen, makes me feel defective. I don't go on dates. and i try really hard not to talk too much about it because if i did, i’d have to explain that it’s not that i don’t get asked out on dates, it’s that the idea of going on a date with someone makes me panic. mentally and physiologically. my stomach clenches, my heart starts beating really fast, my breathing gets really shallow, and the only thought that goes through my mind is, “nonononononono.” and also i make this face: which isn't a normal reaction. I see that. but it’s the reaction i ALWAYS have. it doesn’t even matter whether or not i like the guy. we can be hanging out and flirting and i will be fine, but the instant i sense a date invite coming, i pan...