Good... And Good for You

right when i think i'm on my way to becoming this wonderful, glowing, grown up type person, i find myself responding to situations like a 15 year old. no even worse, like a 13 year old. it's not good. i see this. the glowing grown up in me sees that this isn't good. but the 13 year old... sigh... the 13 year old wants people to cater to me. the 13 year old is stressed and moody and just wants ice cream and non stop sunshine.

i'm mutating into the type of person i've always feared becoming... my mother. i've noticed that i start up conversations with random strangers in grocery store lines, at lagoon, in clothing stores... then the spirit of my mother exits my body and i'm stuck making small talk to somebody who i don't really care about but who it turns out is very oppinionated about the california governer situation, or the price of eggs, or their junior high teacher, and so i nod politely and will the line to move faster. which i think might mean that i'm also mutating into the only other type of person i've always feared becoming... my father.

at the moment i feel as though i could be an episode of the "mary tyler moore show". you know, the episode where after a summer of tomfoolery she decides to buckle down, find a quick way to get a college degree, sign a rental contract, and find the most demeaning job she can. but wait! just when you thought it couldn't get any funnier, mary decides to become independent both financially and emotionally and so she pays for the rental deposit out of her "saving up for a really cool electric guitar" fund and makes an eye appointment. then she walks downtown, twirls in a circle, and throws her hat up in the air. i have my 22nd year plan. by the end of this year i plan to have a college degree, a little bit of money saved up, an idea of where i'm going to move to next summer, and a gibson electric guitar. i'm sorry if i've seemed on edge lately, but you see... i'm poor, i'm overwhelmed, i'm impatient, and quite frankly i've been hype...

how is it possible for an idea to seem so simple and straight forward when you talk about it during relief society and then suddenly turn complicated and not-so-cut-and-dry in practice during the week?

i've been brainwashed by my society's grading system. i realized this today while i was driving on i-15. i consistently do a little something i like to refer to as "solid speeding". if there were a speeding class i'm pretty confident i would get an "a". and i like a's. they make me feel superior to everyone who didn't get an "a". i can't go under 65mph. i can't. that would be failing, and that would be wrong because i know i can do better, i can go faster. i don't understand people who are satisfied with their non speeding. as i pass them, i like to look them in the eye hoping they'll catch the vision. as i fly past them, i leave them inspired.

as promised, yesterday at 6:45 i turned over a new leaf. so you don't have to worry anymore guys.

i'm sure you've all heard this story, but i really enjoy telling it. last summer, there was a delightful young man who lived in the villa. i called him kevon (because that was his name). sometimes he was a bit off putting. he would lure me into his car using rasberry cheesecake as bait. he would whisper creepy nothings into my ear. he would kidnap me and try to take me to parties. but deep down he was a cool guy. when kevon moved into a much nicer apartment, he took me on a tour. and that day something came over me. i'm not sure if it was the lack of cinder blocks, or the lack of lead based paint, but i was caught up in the moment and offered to be his new roomate. kevon laid down the law, "i would never live with a girl unless she was my girlfriend." happy to be playing a fun new game, i said, "ok." then the mood changed to one of complete gravity as kevon said, "umm... i think it would be better if we were just friends." was kevon...

this is a story about how bad timing can be a good thing... today i ran errands. eventually i ran a grocery store type errand. only when i got out of my car i realized that i... had... no... CREDIT CARD!!! i stopped in the parking lot and shook my head in frustration. then i drove home and ran inside and got my credit card and ran out and drove back to smith's. as i pulled into the grocery store parking lot i made grumbley noises. because i was upset. and then i noticed someone walking in front of me. and it... was... JAMES!!! i did what any of you would do, i swerved into the first parking space i saw. and i turned off my car. and i ducked. and hyperventillated just a little. i watched him drive away and i laughed at myself. however i was still a little weirded out by the "what if i'd had my credit card and had gone in 5 minutes earlier and ran into him and had to talk to him?" thought. so i bought myself a lot of flowers for my room. and ...

i try reeeally hard not to cry. but let's face it, i have a sensitive soul. there are certain things that always make me cry. like a little girl. to the point of sniffling... *the last 5 minutes of the fifth season finale of "buffy" *denzel washington in "glory" *boys (sigh... a moment of pathetic candidity) *animals dieing (seriously, if you hunt, don't tell me. DON'T.) *my mom