hilarious

the other night, this guy introduced me to his friend by saying, “this is kat. she’s hilarious.”

i love that compliment.

and also sometimes i hate that compliment because it has rarely, if ever, meant, “this is kat. i find her super attractive.” it’s more synonymous with, “this is kat. she’s a goofball and i’m actively friend-zoning her as we speak.”

which is fine because here's the thing: i am a goofball. and i go back and forth trying to decide how important that is to me.

i don't know that i'll be able to succinctly get my point across, so bear (bare? (i think it's bear)) with me. in my opinion, a big part of life is figuring out 1. who we are/who we want to be, 2. what aspects about ourselves we like or dislike, 3. what others like or dislike about us, and then 4. taking all that information and deciding all over again who we are/who we want to be. it's a subtle balance of self-acceptance and personal growth.

i have no problem with the idea of changing something about myself to be a better person. even if the impetus for change comes from an external source (family, friends, coworkers, religious leaders, random street people). they probably all have their own agenda (don't we all) but i would say that it's still a good thing if it's pushing me towards being the person i want to be.

i'll even take it a step further (farther? (i think this time it's farther. although, it's not a literal step that i'm taking, so maybe it's further.)) and say that to a certain extent, i also don't have a problem changing myself to conform or to be more likable. give me a makeover. point out my rough edges and bad habits. "can't buy me love" me. whatever. that's the window dressing and if it changes, i will still be me. but here (hear? (just kidding)) is where it gets more complicated; when i feel pressure to change something about myself i really like.

and this is where the goofy sense of humor thing comes in because, well, i like my sense of humor. i like making people laugh and laughing at myself. i like that i'm weird and talkative and expressive. i like being goofy. however, i also don't have a problem adapting to circumstance. i downplay my sense of humor at work and at church because those circumstances aren't about being a special unicorn. they're about getting something done. but when I think about my personal life and what kind of relationships i want with my family and friends, it involves feeling accepted and loved for who i am.

that is why, when the cute guy introduced me to his friend as "hilarious," i smiled at him and said, "thank you."
just because he didn't mean it as a compliment, doesn't mean i can't take it as one.