rejection

i have a really hard time dealing with rejection.

and ya, sure, don’t we all?

but even after 20ish years of liking boys, i just haven’t figured out the whole resiliency thing. i swear i’m trying. i’m trying to put myself out there more and risk being rejected because, frankly, the guys i’m interested do not notice me and i’m tired of going out with guys who are basically a yawn in corporeal form.

when i say that i’m trying to be less ambiguous with the guys i’m interested in, i mean that i actually let them see that i like them so that when they don’t ask me out, i know it’s because they’re not interested, and not because i purposely ignored them for a month so that they wouldn’t know i like them. and then a year goes by and i’m still waiting for them to call me and say something like, “wow! i’m so impressed by how indifferent you are to me! let’s go out!!”

so, ya, that’s my goal.

and i kind of hate it. worst goal ever.

because so far, i’m getting rejected. which makes me feel, well, let’s just say, not so great about myself. and my stupid, rat face. and my stupid, spazzy sense of humor.

but there’s also kind of a relief in being able to be done. to, in one day, be able to delete someone from my phone and delete all texts and NOT over analyze anything.

i just hope that at some point i’ll be able to, you know, actually date someone i like.