Good... And Good for You

today i became a woman. um... ok. that's a lie. today i pretended to be a woman. um... that sounds shifty. today i had to call up a printing company and talk to them about how they completely messed up some brochures and made them look all gross when they should've looked all hot and i had to convince them to re-print the brochures, because my bosses are all passive aggressive and didn't want to do it themselves. um... too detailed? today i became a lackey.

that's been my personal mantra this week. if you knew how to instantly lose a couple of inches off your torso thus making it possible for you to slip through a 6 inch window opening and save the last minute, pre-marital fondue extravaganza going on in your apartment, you would do it, wouldn't you? because i did. without any hesitation. if, by driving for 25 hours straight, you could get out of freakishly ugly, woodsy, tumble weedy, mutant bug infested, mutant bug fostering, road kill strewn, construction mangled, canada bordering, boring, explitive producing, forever big, hideously, horribly, hellishly stupid, stupid, STUPID montana, you would drive those 25 hours, wouldn't you? because i did. without any hesitation. if, for the past 40 hours, you'd only ingested mountain dew, ding dongs, and excedrin, wouldn't you seriously consider eating the container full of 2 days old left over spagetti factory pasta you randomly found in your glove compartment? because i did....

i can make a chocolate souffle. i can recite "billy madison" in its entirety. i can tell you about the byzantine influence on art. i can say "shut up and kiss me" in 12 different languages. i can put my legs behind my head. i can list 50 different computer fonts. i can get a grumpy two year old to take a nap. i can tell you the title and season of any "buffy" episode. i can look my crazy CRAZY relative in the eyes and say, "oh, i'm sorry, were you talking? because i wasn't listening." i can make tacos for an entire student ward. i can tell you whether or not you'll have blue eyed children using a punnett square. i can do the "beat it" dance. i can make a color wheel with the primary, secondary, tertiary, AND quaternary colors. but... i can't make jello. so if you're wondering what that bowl of freaky, somewhat gelatinous material is at the tri-ward party tonight, don't come to me. go to heather cl...

life is eerily cyclical. well, to be more precise, my life is eerily cyclical. the second or third time i go through something there's this almost tangible pressure to come out the other side intact, and unscathed. it must be an internal self redemptiony thing because i have this mad desire to be able to, when it's over, throw my head back and scream, "see?? I'VE GROWN!!" and all my past mistakes won't really count as "mistakes" anymore because they caused all the emotional growage in the first place. they were more of a means-to-an-end thing, really. more important, however, is the fact that i've designed a hot pink mailer at work. also important: i'm wearing a side ponytail. i'm bringing the fad back, girls.

do you know how much i miss the days of my grandfather giving me money and cars (as opposed to the piles of reader's digests and ceramic eagle statues he gives me now)? do you even know?? man. someday when i own disney, i'm going to make a movie about a girl who randomly gets cut off financially by her grandfather and has to support herself by working at a chocolate factory. and the owner of the chocolate factory will be played by gene wilder. and she will have a sister who works with her and says things like, "man! if i'd have know i was bigger than him i NEVER would've gone out with him." and of course, a conservative mother who says things like, "it only takes one night with a boy to be stuck with him forever." and a crazy roomate who falls down. and many MANY bad dates. and probably a few powerball, action sequences. and what a great movie it will be.

let me share with you the four events that shaped my week, in order of their importance... #1. my car hit the 20,202 mile mark. not a crucial milestone in the life of my car, but apparently something worthy of me gasping in joyful surprise. symmetrical mile markage is on my spectrum of simple pleasures. right up there with licence plates that have my initials in them. #2. all last night i was worried that i was being ungrateful, or unambitious, or cowardly lionish. but this morning i realized that i was actually being rational and logical and that maybe i don't have to go through every door that opens in order to succeed. #3. i finally tried the new adult happy meal from mcdonalds. i'm happy to have a step counter to wear at work so i can finally answer the question, "how many steps does it take to get from my desk to the printer?" and i'm happy to have a dasani water bottle with the golden arches symbol on it, but...sigh... i couldn't help but be dis...