Wednesday, June 05, 2013

thin but wiry

i've been taking advantage of my three whole weeks of "no class!" weeknights (not to be confused with "low class!" weeknights (because that's EVERY weeknight! (... i don't know))) and going to my favorite weightlifting class at the gym. i'm super buff now. i can totally lift moderate levels of weight for my gender/age/body type classification like you wouldn't believe!

ANYways. my gym started a new class called "body combat" and if you know me and my love of sitting on the couch and watching taebo, you know that this is my type of class. i found out that it starts right after my weightlifting class, so i decided to give it a whirl.
and i loved it.
and i will tell you why.
the reasons being threefold:
1. it was a good workout. beating the air wildly with my tiny, petulant fists is a solid workout.
2. everybody in the class takes it very seriously. they act like ll cool j's mama personally called them up and told them to knock the air out. the teacher encourages the intensity by wearing boxing gloves (to, i guess, protect his hands from the air as he beats it wildly) and yelling at us to keep our guard up (lest the air punch us in our heads) and put on our angry faces (in response, i always instinctively look at myself in the mirror where i discover that i am, in fact, wearing a big, goofy grin).
3. there are a few "moves" that are amazing.
i must describe my favorite moves to you in detail. 
my favorite moves being threefold: 
there's one where you sweep the leg of the air. and the teacher always yells out "sweep the leg, johnny!" (i am the only person in the class who gets the reference) and i am delighted. but also conflicted because i want to beat the air with honor and not have to resort to cheap shots.
there is also a move where you kick the air in the stomach and then kick the air's sidekick (also air) in the knee caps and then pretend to jump over each of their slumped, unconscious bodies. the only thing i can think to liken it to is a move the rat king makes in "the nutcracker" (coincidentally, that would make a really good name for another move in class).

i am really freaking good at this move. like, better than anyone in the class. probably better than anyone in the world (watch your back, rat king!). because if there is any move that i would actually use in a real life fight, it would be to leap over people and run away. that is my move. that is my jam. (sadly, we have yet to use my other move, "the windmill," in class)
but my most favorite of all the moves that we move, is a little thing called "street brawl." in essence, you push the air to the ground and hold it down with one hand while you wail on it with your other. not even "johnny" would've done this to daniel-san (that is lie. i was testing you and you failed. the cobra kai dojo believes the enemy deserves no mercy).
i like to think that some gym trainer was walking at night in compton and saw an actual street brawl and thought, "wow. that looks like an awesome workout."
alternatively, i also like to think that some gym trainer was walking at night in compton and got pinned to the ground and wailed on and thought, "wow. your arms look amazing."

i might start referring to this class as "fight club" because, having written all this out, i'm pretty sure the only thing that could make this more awesome is if i were to start thinking i was beating up the brad pitt version of myself.
and also i could start making soap.
because that's a part of "fight club," right? they make soap?
ya... i've only seen the cleanflicks version of "fight club" so i don't really know what it's about. the edited version was only, like, 55 minutes long.

1 comment:

Jay said...

I now have an entire arsenal of edited movies that were added to my library. And each movie is just about half as long as the original. I am against this. But I don't think there is any way for me to win the battle of the edited movies.

Also, awesome job of the trainer mixing Karate Kid and exercise. Now if only you are working out to the soundtrack, I think you would be set to walk through Compton by yourself.

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