Good... And Good for You

i'm not good at my job today. but i like totally have a good excuse... ... my job is hard . okay, ya, you're right, it's not. but it's harder than it looks. yes, i know it looks super easy but i'm saying it's a slightly harder brand of easy than it looks. geez. get off my back. the essence of my job sans payroll, catalogues, kosher research, high school history projects, is this... behold ! the candy label. an 8 inch by 2 inch rectangle waiting to be filled with ingredients and nutrition and enough cute cutesyness to make people want to spend their money on candy instead of overpriced gasoline. i've made roughly 20 bajillion candy labels through the years and i am brainfrozen and heartburnt. read on. it took me approximately 32 years to make a bunch of monster lab themed halloween labels. they mostly centered around a mad scientist who i believe spends the majority of his day walking up to things and saying, "what you talkin' 'bout, willis?...

the movie version of " mama mia " is coming out this summer and there is reason colin firth upon reason pierce brosnan why i'm looking forward to it. i wish i were in greece. not to be confused with "grease"- a different musical for a different time. this is a musical i know very little about. i've never seen it, never listened to the soundtrack, i don't even know the plot. in fact, the only thing i've ever known about it is it's pure abba. translation: i am so on board. during the commute this morning, the song "where is my mind" by the pixies came on and i thought to myself, "i would totally put this into a broadway musical." and then the drifting off part of my brain took over and the result is this... when i finally produce my big broadway hit "itunes: 99 cents + tax " it will include the following hit numbers: "where is my mind?" the pixies "last goodbye" jeff buckley "the way you make...

hey, it's me! coming to you live from... my desk. glad to not be on a plane and (if i'm being truthful) glad to not be in tennessee anymore. note: when a polygamist sect with a very similar name to your religion gets a lot of media attention, don't vacation in the bible belt. as with any experience ever there were both good and deplorable moments, but i like to think i gave it a grand ole cowboy try. i even wore cowboy boots. see? here they are. coincidentally i'm also demonstrating ballet's first position. it's very hard to do while lying (laying?) in bed. i've been so busy the last couple of days trying to get caught up on all the shows on abc.com... and nbc.com... and cbs.com... and fox.com... and with my scramble games on facebook that i haven't even had a chance to respond to my daily fanmail. i wish i there was more time in a day. and i wish even more i had a gorgeous personal assistant to respond to each email on my behalf... ... .. . but i have ...

whatup. no, that is not a question. or is it. i am not in the mood to use correct punctuation. or any punctuation besides the period. and that comma up there. frankly i am drunk with power. i could be brimming with enthusiasm and dramatic pauses and you will never know because all you are faced with is the calm poker face of the period. i wish i had that power in person. i would love to be able to contain my nervousness and excitability behind a calm veneer. and vice versa. i would love to be able to infuse enthusiasm into a less than enthusiastic situation. but no such luck because i cannot hide my mood. i have four emotions... amused confused annoyed and sleepy and it is too much effort to convince family or friends or strangers at the bus depot that the emotion on my face has just drifted and come to a halt upon my face because if it hadn't my face would have fallen asleep from boredom. so yes woman sitting next to me on an airplane my face looks annoyed because i am truly annoy...

i leave for boston tomorrow. on a jet plane. don't know when i'll... whatever, i'll be back thursday night. it's a work trip which means the last couple weeks of preparation have been dizzying, and i've no complaint about the dizzy but i've been noticing it leaking into my personal life* which i will not tolerate. firstly, my hair today is staying up in a bun without aid or apparatus. just my hair. defying gravity. furthermore, i have a tiny scratch on my finger which might be slightly infected and i have yet to go around the factory telling everyone i have hepatitis. or syphilis. and to conclude, a drifter followed me around shopko saturday and when he asked me for a light, i dutifully checked my pockets. you know, because maybe i had an emergency lighter on me and just hadn't realized it. you never know when you might have to light a candle or burn through some ropes or prevent a drifter from killing you because nobody in f-ing utah has a f-ing light for s...

i have had the good fortune to meet a man named alfred. i use the term "meet" loosely. as i've never actually spoken to him. alfred might just be the most fascinating person i've ever encountered. second only to " the black prince ". i think alfred is german. or austrian. or canadian. i don't know. but i do know that he's 137 years old. and i'm pretty sure he works down at the docks. alfred has no time for nonsense and i like to believe that when i finally get up the nerve to talk to him, he'll use the word "lollygagging". also, he carries a plastic grocery bag around with him wherever he goes. ******** VERY IMPORTANT UPDATE HENCEFORTH TO BE REFERRED TO AS V.I.U. IN THE INTEREST OF SIMPLIFICATION ALTHOUGH I MAY NEVER HAVE CAUSE TO USE THE ABBREVIATION AGAIN AND THIS OVERLY COMPLICATED EXPLANATION IS WORKING AGAINST MY SIMPLIFICATION GOAL. PLUS SINCE I'M TYPING IN ALL CAPS I FEEL LIKE I'M YELLING AT YOU ACROSS THE WORLD WIDE...

1. Name one person who made you laugh last night? carolyn 2. What were you doing at 0800? hitting the snooze button 3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? driving 4. What happened to you in 2006? i don't remember 5. What was the last thing you said out loud? "the essi's can't be trusted with such an important task." 6. How many beverages did you have today? so far, just water. 7. What color is your hairbrush? black 8. What was the last thing you paid for? diet coke 9. Where were you last night? work, gateway, grandma's house. 10. What color is your front door? white. i think. 11. Where do you keep your change? where don't i keep my change. 12. What’s the weather like today? cloudy 13. What’s the best ice-cream flavor? chocolate. 14. What excites you? summer. people. 15. Do you want to cut your hair? no. 16. Are you over the age of 25? yes 17. Do you talk a lot? non stop. 18. Do you watch the O.C.? no 19. Do you know anyone named Steven? a few. 20. Do you m...